Doug Bies
@dougbies
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New York Jets fan, poker player, Instagram, Snapchat, & Untappd: dougbies
Austin, TX
Joined December 2009
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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don't like
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An advent calendar, but filled with progressively larger pieces of Xanax
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
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What base is it when you make her a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup?
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A woman on a 37 minute flight ordered 4 beers and I might be in love y’all
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I undid her bra, and a couple of Cheetos fell out
And then, I knew, I found "the one"
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A dating site, but you only see pictures of their refrigerator
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Maybe 2019 will be the year that HR and I agree about what is and isn’t funny
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You’re pretty, maybe this picture of my gross penis will make you leave your husband
~ guys on Twitter
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A woman at Chipotle held the door for me and spilled her burrito bowl on the ground so I bought her a new one and now we’re going to fall in love
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I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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A woman saying “correct me if I’m wrong” is a trap
I know this now
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Me at 15: I hope I see boobs today
Me at 25: I hope I see boobs today
Me at 35: I hope I see boobs today
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People who pick plain doughnuts over doughnuts with sprinkles on them are serial killers
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I've never found a needle in a haystack, but this one time, I found an onion ring in my french fries
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People that give zero fucks about the Kardashian’s are my people
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I don’t judge a book by its cover, but I do judge a person by their choice in Girl Scout Cookies
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I just overheard a millennial call a Chicken McNugget "UGG-shaped" and now I hate everything
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
Curly fries that are literally the size of slinky’s
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My dad at 34: Married, house, career, 3 kids
Me at 34: Snapchatting burps, balancing bowls of cereal on my moobs, spooning with beer cans
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Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
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My spirit animal is an ant that’s carrying a piece of food bigger than itself
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I have absolutely nothing in common with people that want to be in Times Square on New Years Eve
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