Breakfast 🍩 ☕️ 🍑
@donutscoffeeme
Followers
19,011
Following
1,443
Media
1,765
Statuses
50,442
Queen of stoner munchies, says @TheNostalgicCo . Hedonistic trollop. Fat kid. Here for the tits and giggles. NSFWish. 40. Probably joking. She/her. 🌷🌻🪷🏳️🌈
Not Canada
Joined November 2020
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Pinned Tweet
How Richard Marx saved my life, a thread. (TW: Suicide)
Back in 2008, my life was as miserable as a country music stereotype. Bad breakup from a cheater. My dog died. I could only find part-time work. My medical insurance ran out, and I had been informed I needed a biopsy.
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My life is a disaster, but I don't want to be fat anymore. I've lost 14 pounds since the beginning of June. And I'm like 90% sure the exercise is helping with my stress.
Virtual high five me, please? I need something to feel good about.
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If you score more than a single point on this, there's a 98.725% chance you're too young for me.
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Being an adult has ruined my childhood fantasy of being an adult
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I'm 100% that bitch who will try to do a strip tease then get my bra hook caught in my hair and trip over my panties
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Okay, I'm 40 now. When does the extra sexiness kick in?
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On sinful Sunday I do shower selfies because alliteration amuses me
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Washing off the sins of the day...
Pink light by special request
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Hello, new followers!
If you followed me thinking this is some kind of fitness or motivational account, it's really not.
It's more pervy humor, fat girl nudity, mental health weirdness, and occasionally bitching into the void to get it out of my head.
Just so you know.
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Real talk from a fat chick: I'm not demanding you find me attractive, I'm just asking you to not be a dick and let me exist in peace
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Horny me makes much worse decisions than drunk me
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A pie eating contest means something completely different on pornhub
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When he says he's in a meeting, that's code for send nudes, right?
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Please stop calling me a gold digger, I prefer the term inheritance huntress
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I walk outside and the mosquitoes get a text that their uber eats has arrived
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Sports bras are evil, so this counts for sinful Sunday, right?
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My shower curtain grabs my ass more often than any human does
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream... so now I'm awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
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Idk. It's Tuesday. I miss fleets. So this happens.
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Depression: I don't want to take a shower
Also depression: I don't want to get out of the shower
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I was informed I shouldn't tweet about sex so much, so this tweet is about coffee because I don't get enough of that either
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
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If they seduce you with humor, does it lead to a funny bone?
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I have way too much lingerie for the amount of sex I'm not having
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Me as a wife: wanna touch my boobs for good luck?
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I don't want much, just good coffee and a conversation with someone who's happy I exist
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Shout out to everyone who basically forgets how socializing works immediately after saying hello
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Shout out to the decent men who don't turn abusive when they get turned down
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You guys... 4 weeks ago, I felt dead after doing a 30-minute cardio workout. Today I did over an hour and I feel really good. Still chonky, but getting healthier and stronger every day. And I'm proud of me!
*virtual high fives all around*
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Shout out to everyone surviving their own personal hell and still trying to help others get through theirs with humor and compassion
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Personally identifying as a sexy motherfucker today
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I posted this, then put my phone down to go eat dinner (shrimp and veggies with sweet and sour sauce over quinoa)... and y'all have made me cry 🥲
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So this happened... (see comments for the details ⬇️)
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[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
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Hypothetically speaking, how long after the sex should you wait before tweeting?
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Whenever a bunch of people follow me at one time, I like to post a spicy pic so they know what they're getting into right away
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I knew I'd made a mistake when his sex playlist only had 4 songs
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Might fuck around and send a bunch of "hey" DMs just to see what the big thrill is
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My sex tape would probably be on comedy central instead of pornhub
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Y'all I took a super cute selfie today and I'm almost tempted to break my no face on Twitter rule
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The cure for having a crush on me is talking to me for more than 5 minutes
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20 years ago messy hair and wet sheets were signs of a good time, now they just mean restless sleep and a hot flash
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What I want: a few hours of sex
What I need: a few hours of sleep
What I'll get: neither
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A homewrecker, but it's just my cat knocking shit over again
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Anxiety: *steals sex drive*
Me: Whatever, I'll joke about it
Anxiety: *hides sense of humor*
Me: At least I can comfort eat
Anxiety: *ruins appetite*
Me: Well fuck, guess I'll sleep
Insomnia: hi
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*dabs a little gasoline on my neck before going out
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My favorite people have a big, caring heart and a perverted sense of humor
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DM rooms: where you see your friends naked before you know their names
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Sure, I'll ride your face... I just need you to sign this waiver of liability first
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Shout out to everyone who loves the idea of being social but not the reality
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If you're afraid of bodily fluids on your face, great sex might not be for you
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Wouldn't it be cool if nice people just hollered out random compliments like assholes do insults?
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What if I told you women expressing their sexuality doesn't make them promiscuous? And sharing sexual thoughts or pictures or jokes mean they owe men on the internet exactly nothing?
Mindblowing, right?
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It's snowing again and I would definitely perform sexual favors for someone to clear my driveway
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Imagine being on twitter and getting offended by the word "fuck"
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Gonna start calling my boobs "the litigators" because they win so many arguments
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Humor is the emotional duct tape that holds me together
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But if I make better choices I'll have boring stories
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My signature move is worrying myself into a panic attack over stupid shit
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Just refilled my purse ibuprofen if you were looking for someone ready to party
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Your ass was made by squats, mine was made by snacks... we are not the same
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I need a big fat hug, a bunch of forehead kisses, and someone to tell me it'll be okay
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I could really go for some mindblowing sex, a solid 8 hours of sleep, and like world peace or something
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Confession: I've repeatedly told my cat "I know" but I don't... I don't fucking know at all
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Auto correct fails are just our phones' revenge for seeing us naked
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Sorry fellas, my dad said he's proud of me today so I won't be seeking your approval in the DMs
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Shout out to everyone powering through depression with too much coffee, inappropriate comments, and bad jokes
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Me: I'm so happy
Depression: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, everything is great
Anxiety: Are you sure?
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Can't wait for cool autumn weather and bulky hoodies so I can stop sucking my gut in so hard in public
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Reverse cowgirl so you can do the heimlich if I choke on these nachos
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Day 427 without sex: got turned on slowly pushing the French press all... the... way... down
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My reach on this app is shit because most of the time I panic when I try to interact with another human beyond tapping a heart icon 🤷🏻♀️
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Accidentally turned myself on when I flipped my wet hair back over my head and it smacked my ass like a flogger
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Gonna start expressing gratitude by telling people "I'm glad your parents had sex"
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