xXSaltyDogXx
@doggiedogthedog
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proud USN vet-I don’t believe anything I read and only 1/2 of what I write-❤️🐶-
Owatonna, MN
Joined March 2016
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Pinned Tweet
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
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People who get all butt hurt by things people say obviously never held the flashlight for their dad.
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I’m a grown man, I can do whatever the hell my wife says I can
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Alexa play Metallica...
Alexa play Metallica...
Alexa play Metallica...
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron...
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Son: you can go dad, that guy has his blinker on
me: yeah well, people lie
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Do lobsters scream when you boil them? How would I know?!
The most expensive thing I’ve ever boiled was an all beef hot dog. That fucker took it like a champ.
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I thought it would be funny to send my wife a dick pic. She immediately text back – OMG, did you slam your thumb in your truck door again?
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Me, to wife: you are so pretty when you’re mad at me
daughter: mom is always pretty
me: that’s what I said
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@sheseemslegit
I can barely get a fricken RT and there’s MFers getting laid on here?! WTF am I doing wrong?!
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My wife has been having trouble sleeping the past couple nights. She hasn’t told me why this is my fault yet. Sometimes she gives me a couple days to see if I can figure it out on my own. Which is nice.
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I know I’m a nice person because my wife is always looking at me and saying-
nice,... real fucking nice...
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@She114r
Yes yes yes! I mean, that’s how you know, right? I still get them when she enters a room, even after 34 years❤️
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My wife and I were 19 when we got married. Sure I’ve help raise two kids but my wife has raised three
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I asked my wife if she even liked sex. She said- “with you?” As if she needed clarification.
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Wife: one of my boobs is way bigger than the other
Me, looking at my son: I think she’s talking about us
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I just realized I’ve been sitting here watching the wife clean. I told her- this is the worst reality show ever! You should do it without clothes. We’ll call it Naked and a Maid. I’m doing the cleaning now. It’s hard to sweep with most of the broom handle stuck in your ass.
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I like everyone....except the mailman, that son of a bitch is up to something
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Should I be concerned that my wife always refers to me as her 1st husband?
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The great thing about being married is you can have sex whenever your wife wants to
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Wife and I just got groceries. As we put them in the car I told her she had the cutest butt in that joint.
Wife: I noticed you were doing your research
Some people just can’t take a compliment
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My wife is always giving me crap about my big belly but I don’t think it’s too bad for someone who’s had 2 kids.
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Told the wife she looked so damn cute today I was gonna put her on my “to do” list.
She asked if that meant she needed to remind me every 6 months like everything else on that list
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My sister wants me to kick some guys ass because he told her he wants to fill her cooter with ice cream and then eat it all out. Now I am the bad guy because I told her I wasn’t messing with anyone that can eat that much ice cream
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They say you can’t buy happiness but I bet you can. They probably just keep it behind the counter
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I have a metal rod in my leg and a plate in my head. Sometimes when it thunderstorms I’m my own wifi hotspot
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Just to be perfectly clear, I’m not on twitter to fuck around. I made a commitment a long time ago to only disappoint one woman
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The wife was feeling a little frisky this morning, needless to say I am going to be three minutes late for everything today
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My mom left us when I was 5. I remember crying myself to sleep on my 6th birthday because she didn’t send anything. I got a card from her every year after that.
I think I was 13 when I realized they were in my dad’s handwriting. I never shed another tear over my mother again.
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I’m so used to pulling dryer sheets out of my pant leg or shirt. The other day I was talking to a customer and thought I felt one in my sleeve but when I pulled it out it was my wife’s panties. I just looked at the guy and said “ta da!”
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I never learned to swim because I figured it would never be more than an hour since I last ate
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I was just sitting at a red light when I noticed a woman in a tiny bath robe let her dog out. I am not going to lie you guys, she was gorgeous! Some kind of terrier/Shih Tzu mix I’m guessing
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A few years ago I told my wife all I wanted for Christmas was either a plasma tv or a bj (she hates spending money) I got the tv.
This year I’m gonna ask for a fishing boat or anal
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I touched my wife’s bare sides with my ice cold hands and accidentally taught her Kung fu.
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I promised Dog that no matter how bad things get, I won’t eat her. I asked her if she would promise me the same and she just looks the other way and ignores me.
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It doesn’t bother me when people don’t like me. I don’t always like me and I am me.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m 51 and I still fit in my HS girlfriend
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In a Wisconsin bar. I ask the bartender if he wants to hear a Packers joke. He says “there’s 3 other guys in here, we’re all over 6 foot, 250 lbs and we’re all Packer fans, you sure you wanna tell a Packers joke?”
Me: no, not if I’m gonna have to explain it 4 times
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I just coughed and Dog started crying. I told her, it’s OK daddy’s not dying. Then my wife started crying...
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my memory keeps getting worse. Yesterday I was at the store when a woman in yoga pants bent over to get something off the bottom shelf and I forgot I was married. Luckily, a woman behind me rammed her cart into my back side and told me to go wait in the car. Then I remembered.
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She’s so pretty, I suck my gut in when I read her tweets
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I told my wife I almost choked to death eating a whopper. She brought home Burger King four more times that week
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Omg, I just realized today is the 2 year anniversary of my check engine light coming on
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Sometimes my wife gets mean when she’s horny but she also gets like that when she’s hungry. So if she says something mean I grab her butt. If she slaps my hand away, I make her a sandwich
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I had to fix the toilet and tossed some 10+ y/o magazines in the recycling bin that were stacked up in the way. The next day they were back in place.
Asked the wife what was up. She said they had recipes in them. I had to pretend that made sense for my own safety and well-being
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I told my wife’s boobs that I liked them both the same (but then I winked at the left one)
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My wife giggles whenever she hears someone say circumstantial evidence even though I’ve explained several times that has nothing to do with circumcisions.
She usually replies- well someone gave them a tip about the evidence. This leads to more giggling😂😂
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I keep one magazine subscription just in case I ever need to send one of those notes where you cut all the letters out of a magazine.
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Today is the 3rd anniversary of that time my wife told me I was right.
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When I look at my wife and say “wow, what an ass” I am complementing her cute little derrière.
When she says it to me I get the feeling she means something completely different
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Just curious, what do you guys call the meal between 2nd breakfast and 1st lunch? you know, so we’re all on the same page
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Even after 34 years of marriage my wife and I continue to learn things.
Today my wife learned I don’t especially like scrambled eggs made in the microwave and I learned I can make my own goddamned eggs
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No one knows I am on Twitter, especially most of the other people on Twitter
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My wife told me she needed sex in the worst way. Lucky for her, that’s the only way I know
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To all you people out there that write serious replies to joke tweets- do you have any other hobbies other than shitting in the punch bowl?
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I told the wife she looked so damn sexy today I was gonna put her on my “to do” list.
She asked if that meant she needed to remind me every 6 months like everything else on that list
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Later this month my wife and I will celebrate 33 years together. I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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If you don’t have anything nice to say, get a Twitter account
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Dog was freaking out about something last night so I told her to “calm down”. Apparently that doesn’t work with female dogs either.
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Probably the best thing about being married is I can have sex any time my wife wants to.
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I grew up in a small town. How small?
-We had a town dog
-you could refer to anyone by their 1st name and everyone knew who you were talking about
-you could call a wrong # and talk for 20 mins
-if you fucked up, any adult would whoop your ass
-you couldn’t beat bad news home
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I guess I’ve always just figured if Mick Jagger couldn’t get any satisfaction, what chance do I have?
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Dog and I will be sitting out in the garage with the door up and the music on if anyone wants to stop by and have a couple or 12🍺🍺🍺🍺
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I’m not a dic pic guy, but if I was, I wouldn’t take some crappy cell phone pic. I’d haul that SOB down to glamour shots. There’d be at least 3 wardrobe changes and multiple backgrounds. Can you see him in a little sailor suit with his Dixie cup cocked forward? Awww...
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Never call your wife a hoarder unless you are standing far enough away to finish the entire word before she punches you.
Another lesson learned the hard way.
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You know what sucks about being a dog?
Absolutely nothing, it’s fucking awesome! Why do you think we are so goddamn happy all the freaking time
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I never learned to swim. I just figured, what’s the use? It’s never going to be more than an hour since I last ate.
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We’ve been married 34 yrs but she’s still that girl that kicked off her shoes, stepped on my feet, laid her head on my shoulder and danced her way into my ❤️. I felt her breath on my neck and her heart beat against mine and I fell. We were16. You ever heard of anything so stupid?
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I learned to cook the old fashioned way. Mom left us when I was 5 and I got really hungry.
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I could butter my butthole and whistle better music out my ass than the absolute crap my son listens to. Where did I go wrong?
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My wife is 52 and she has never been sexier or more beautiful than she is right now.
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I’ve been looking at my finances and working on the projections. I am on track to retire at 63 as long as I die by 65.
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2 nights ago it stunk like skunk outside so bad, we had to close our windows.
Tonight the wife made a stinky so bad we opened them back up.
20 minutes later the skunks were pounding on our door begging for a truce.
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I’m worried because my memory keeps getting worse. Yesterday I was at the grocery store when a woman in yoga pants bent over to get something off the bottom shelf and I forgot I was married. Then I heard a woman behind me tell me to go wait in the car and I remembered.
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As a child I remember sitting on my grandparents porch and watching it rain. Now I sit in my garage with the door open when it thunderstorms and the sounds and smells take me back to that simpler time.
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If I tell you I love you, then I love you. Don’t ask me stupid questions like
-How much have you had to drink tonight sir?
or
-do you know why I pulled you over?
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son: you can go dad, that guy has his turn signal on…
me: yeah, well… people lie son. people fucking lie
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Last night I sneezed five times in a row and my dog started crying. I gave her a big hug and told her not to worry, daddy isn’t dying anytime soon… Then my wife started crying
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My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
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I noticed a bunch of cigarette butts at the end of my driveway and asked the wife if they were her boyfriend’s.
She asked why I thought that. I told her because my girlfriend doesn’t smoke,... oops.
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My wife just text me that she really needs to get laid tonight. So I text back:
that sucks, I was really hoping we could spend some time together
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You can tell how far south you are in the US by how many other Waffle House signs you can see from the Waffle House parking lot you are in.
*if the answer is 2 or more, there’s an alligator in that mud puddle you’re standing next to
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I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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I used to walk 2 miles every day. I know it was 2 miles because I drive to that liquor store now and I checked the odometer
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My wife is upset with me because she had a dream that I slept with her sister.
1- it was a dream
2- she doesn’t have a sister
Now she’s upset that I pointed these 2 things out.
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My name is Ron.
My wife can’t seem to get enough of me because lately she’s been calling me more Ron.
That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
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The only time we use the garbage disposal is when I’m trying to turn the light on above the kitchen sink
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I hooked up with one of my old high school girlfriends last night. Alright, it was my wife but it sounds more twittery if I say it that way.
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My wife told me she loves that I can always make her laugh. I am hoping it was just a coincidence that I was naked at the time
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