Mr.Carter
@dexteristwisted
Followers
3,351
Following
1,376
Media
16,201
Statuses
257,035
Stand up for what you believe in. Trump Troller ... Always positive.... Huge everthing L.A. sports nerd... extremely dirty minded, but always respectful
Joined May 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Why in the fuck are cereal bags not ziplock yet?
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I've noticed that anyone driving slower than me is a dumb-ass and anyone driving faster than me is a maniac
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Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny... then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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Why does toliet paper need a commercial??....i mean whose not buying this
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I just blocked someone who said "chocolate chip cookies suck" ..... I'm not fucking around today
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me...When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
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Why do I check my voicemail?...1% to hear the message....99% To get rid of that annoying icon
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Gordan Ramsey should be my GPS..."You just missed the exit you're a fucking disgrace"
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My mom as mom.: You get what you get now deal with it
My mom as a grandma:.Would you like your grilled cheese cut into stars or hearts
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If i am ever murdered..just know I ran my mouth to bitter end
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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn't coming in clearly...I feel that way about too many people
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Welcome to adulthood.. You officially get pissed when they rearrange stuff at your grocery store
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Personal trainer: What's your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs...
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
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I've reached the age where passing out on the couch has nothing to do with being drunk
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Ok hear me out ....A smoke detector that turns off when you scream "I'm only cooking "
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Who the fuck took my charger??
A game the whole family can play
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Me: I'm done being the victim
Google search: How to bite a mosquito back
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To the woman that flipped me off earlier when I honked at her....Your fucking phone is on top of your car
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Back in my day I had to roll down my car windows with my bare hands
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
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Never let anyone treat you like a yellow starburst
You're a red starburst, and don't forget it
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My garbage man just stuck a pamphlet for AA on my recycling bin....
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So glad that I grew up before cell phones existed..I did so many stupid things and there is no record of it
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Today's 3 year olds can turn on laptops and computers....
When I was 3 I ate mud
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Sometimes the first step towards forgiveness is realizing that person is a total fucking idiot
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I can't believe my neighbor
knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m last night..
Luckily I was up playing the bagpipes
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A gorgeous face doesn't mean anything without a kind heart
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Sometimes I wonder if this all happening because I didn't forward that E-mail to 10 people
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I've come to a point in my life.... where I need a stronger word than fuck
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Spilling a beer..... is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon
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Hear me out there should be bloopers at the end of horror movies, so it relaxes you before bedtime
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I never delete my text messages...just in case a MF'er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
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Fuck you and the horse you rode in on...wait not the horse the horse is cool
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Nobody goes through more shit.. then someone with a good soul
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If I could tag my cat in cat memes id be like "lol this is so you"
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When I'm done eating... I have to show my hands to my cat like I'm a blackjack dealer
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'Fuck it" ...My final thought before making most decisions
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No need to seek revenge on people who are already miserable
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Tom Cruise is trending? Who else thought some weird scientology shit must of happened
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Look just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things
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Scooby-do taught us that in the end real monsters are always human
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Just changed my voicemail greeting to "hang up and text me that shit please"
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Maybe getting abducted by aliens is just the vacation I need right now
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@RepMTG
@replouiegohmert
@MayorBowser
@RepMattGaetz
@RepGosar
I haven't told you this in few weeks sorry
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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
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@thekjohnston
@ProudResister
@chuckschumer
@SpeakerPelosi
Problem is we have a conscious Republicans just want to win no matter who is elected, if Hillary did the crap Trump is doing in office I'd be the first to say I screwed up voting for this person. Republicans don't care they just care that there guy is in office
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Sure therapy is great, but I found screaming "FUCK THIS" as loud as I can has a similar result
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McDonald's just yelled my order 867 I yelled back 5309 and nobody laughed..Then I felt old so I ate my burger in the playground area
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