Michael Haneke Paneke
@davo_arid
Followers
3K
Following
154K
Media
11K
Statuses
36K
“I have tried hard, but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person.” - Lily Bart
Minneapolis, MN
Joined January 2017
My wife is watching MANHUNT on AppleTV, a miniseries about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Patton Oswalt's character just called John Wilkes Booth a "creep," in case you were wondering exactly how much work went into faithfully recreating the language of 1865.
1K
339
12K
“This narrative had special power because it derived from facts”
40
421
9K
The most controversial Simpsons episode EVER:
The best prompt you could put into AI was "90s Simpsons Screencap" because it had no idea how to scale characters and occasionally just invented new Simpsons.
56
520
8K
These are texts my wife received from our HVAC repairman earlier today. Either he has a fetish or he’s trying to fuck her, right? Like, there is no third possibility?
445
90
8K
Simultaneously the straightest and gayest President we’ve ever had:
23
302
8K
Btw: The creator of this show sent me a DM yesterday, whining “I’m sorry this one mistake meant you couldn’t enjoy the THREE YEARS of writing and production and research involved” lol.
My wife is watching MANHUNT on AppleTV, a miniseries about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Patton Oswalt's character just called John Wilkes Booth a "creep," in case you were wondering exactly how much work went into faithfully recreating the language of 1865.
376
248
7K
“chill for 9 months and deliver a baby”. I love how, for libs, everything in America is “A Handmaid’s Tale” *except* for the elites renting out immigrant wombs and taking their babies.
If some gays paying a woman $250k to chill for nine months and deliver a baby rustles your jimmies that hard I suggest moving to the mountains and cutting your internet umbilical cord now because shit's gonna get far weirder than that far quicker than you'll be able to handle.
67
455
4K
I have no idea who these 5 guys are, but based solely on the fact that they’re speaking at the DNC I’m going to assume that they really did commit the crimes they were arrested for.
49
104
4K
I know the last 75 “racist white cop murders innocent black person just because he’s evil” stories have ultimately been revealed to be bullshit, but….gosh….this latest one?
24
166
3K
I remain amazed by how little *care* is given by the people tasked with managing our culture. Like, not a single person on set that day heard that and thought "hey guys, are we *sure* this politician born in 1826 used Zoomer slang?".
210
49
3K
Louis CK on American Beauty:
33
108
2K
Everyone sharing the Wil Wheaton/Elmo post is missing the *real* gold in the comments, where he says Larry David raped Elmo.
147
236
2K
I love this line from the sheriff in “No Country for Old Men”:
Today’s society is basically admitting it doesn’t know how to persuade people life is worth living.
22
216
2K
Hopping on the “Let Dasha star in the ‘My Year of Rest and Relaxation’ Adaptation” bandwagon. She’s the ONLY actress I trust to deliver lines like this:
10
85
2K
I’m drinking a beer right now. First one I’ve had in six years. I’ve decided that my options in life have dwindled to two, suicide or alcoholism, and, reader, I’m choosing the former.
129
18
2K
“We’ve had cameramen literally record assault” Jesus Christ get over yourself you freaks, it’s pretend-humping.
An intimacy coordinator responds after Mikey Madison revealed #Anora did not have one on set:. “We’re really only hearing from the two lead actors, the director and the producer. We’re hearing from the people who have the most power on this set, but they can’t speak for how
33
44
2K
Unfunny people haven’t been this excited since Cards Against Humanity was released.
16
90
1K
PLEASE do NOT confuse your GOOGLE SEARCH with my MEDICAL DEGREE
13
139
903
also
I get why Sydney Sweeney is popular now. She has a unique look (especially her eyes) and good comic timing. She also produced “Anyone But You” (her new star vehicle), so it looks like she’s riding fast. I look forward to seeing where she goes from here.
12
56
1K
The State’s closing argument against Kyle Rittenhouse is that he did not have the right to self defense because “Everybody takes a beating sometimes.” I swear to God:
82
188
909
Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong'
3
58
949
For my very first time, tonight I get to watch Filipino movie *on the big screen*! Cathy Garcia-Sampana’s HELLO, LOVE, AGAIN is playing at one of our suburban multiplexes. I’m so excited—can’t believe this got theatrical distribution in America, that’s incredible!
5
207
973
A white *wide receiver* getting shot in a carjacking by a career criminal? Is Steve Sailer running this simulation?.
A 17-year-old Norteno gang member from Tracy, CA was caught with a gun just three days ago and subsequently released, has now shot 49ers' player Ricky Pearsall. Despite his recent arrest, authorities released him, leading to this tragic incident involving the professional
3
30
895
99% of the replies:.
@AugustMillionXO @davo_arid Yes this is definitely her fault and not the creep’s.
8
1
878
@okaypompeii I can’t believe I’m approvingly referencing Yorgos Lanthimos, but I really thought this pithy quote of him should have been enough to shut down the entire “Poor Things” controversy (and every other controversy just like it about “bad” art.)
3
30
857
Here are the top candidates to be Kamala’s VP, except I’ve made them all look younger and hotter. We’ll start with the favorite, Pennsylvania governor Josh Shapiro:
11
28
866
The comments remind me of Jarvis’s classic
Comedy is being 'policed by the Left' with 'sensitivities that seem out of proportion to the joke', says Office co-writer Stephen Merchant
5
57
744
90% of this Filipino teen romance I'm watching is set in a convenience store, yet it still comes up with images more expressive than anything in this year's slate of Best Picture nominees.
6
232
730
Look guys, you just have to tolerate schizophrenic crackheads jacking off on you while you ride the subway—that’s just part of the social contract. But there IS a line: If you don’t Wear A Mask, well, sorry pal, but it’s clobberin time.
8
74
640
And last but certainly not least, California governor Gavin Newsom:
7
17
631
I’m sorry to say that 90% of this was just “count calories/eat less.” But some tips:. 1- use smaller plates.2- focus on high-protein foods, eat them first. Esp. at breakfast. 3- drink a ton of water (and no soda or alcohol).4- cardio! (The whole purpose was to keep up w/my kids.)
21
12
586
If you ever feel like you’re bad at your job, comfort yourself with the knowledge that this woman is still getting paid for her journalism.
13
52
511
I don’t judge, but why exactly do over 100 of my mutuals follow this one specific account which appears to only post photos of scantily glad women with very large breasts?.
83
7
492
Men are like “I’m gonna end my marriage so I can flop around on a younger woman for ten minutes.”.
17
24
486
@macho_taildrop @danup My wife is fond of pointing out how *the shape of infant babies’ heads* is always wrong in films set >100 years in the past, they’re always too flat (due to the modern practice of only letting babies sleep in their backs).
5
22
516
@RichardDawkins I used to be an atheist, but this tweet was so embarrassing it made me become a Christian.
4
5
460
@tractor_owner SPOILER ALERT: Lincoln is only in the first episode. I gather it's more about the search for Booth.
38
1
529
I'm not normally a fan of the crazy fashion trends that the YOUTHS are getting up to, but I am in love with Belle Mariano's eye shadow/makeup in An Inconvenient Love.
3
173
533
@MuseZack I always think of it the other way: how frustrating it must be as a 70-year-old man who every night has to sing the lyrics that seemed profound to him at age 25.
3
3
529
@corgzone @thepinksmoke Bingo. Literally every movie is “what if this awesome/imaginative thing that children dream about was just the Human Resources department of a mid-size marketing firm?”.
0
9
381
@LittleMammith SCENARIO: Guatemalan scales the border wall. ICE finds him in Texas a month later. He says “I’m claiming asylum, I’m a victim of persecution in my home country.” He’s allowed to continue working here while awaiting his asylum case. Is he in this country “legally” or “illegally”?.
2
0
350
this is still just because Pratt posted about how much he loved his wife
15
17
312
@faceyouhate I’ve stared at that shot for several minutes and haven’t found any Easter eggs, what am I missing, does that guy wind up having a big role in the sequel or something?.
0
1
328
@xtinatucker His World Cinema Foundation restoring and releasing Lino Brocka’s “Insiang” was literally life-changing for me. I never would have discovered Filipino film otherwise.
1
4
300
The idea that it is somehow BEYOND THE PALE for a film critic to mention that an actor is literally bad at talking is the funniest thing, lol. Like going to a symphony and pointing out a guy can’t play his instrument only to be hit with “whoa, white man, check your privilege!”.
I am genuinely confused how this was approved to publish at ROLLING STONE. What are we even doing here? How is Any of this at all relevant to the show? Or are we saying it's okay that a valid "critique" is just bigotry? #TheAcolyte
11
9
305
Are the new Avatar water aliens Filipino? Consider:.1- they live on a tropical archipelago .2- they greet elders with a hand to the forehead.3- they all call each other “bro”. Lots to consider.
3
29
291
I just realized that these guys think they’re gonna look like this in *their* 50s too, lol.
8
7
284
Thinking again about the “all the good artists are liberals, all conservatives have are Ted Nugent and Kirk Cameron” and realizing that all it really means is that liberals don’t read.
I’ve finished “No Country for Old Men,” and I agree with Cormac McCarthy’s premise: liberal women with blue hair, stupid tattoos and piercings are responsible for all the world’s evil. They have ushered in the End Times. We are all doomed. There is no God: they killed Him.
19
14
260
I used to think this, but I am becoming red-pilled (or is it black-pilled?) into the view that: No. There is something that entered our air and water around 1990 that is making us get fatter than we should, regardless of what we eat.
Half the reason obesity is prevalent is the fact that obesity is normalized.
40
11
242
Thinking about the popularity of Mehdi and John Oliver and Trevor Noah among the liberal set, and I think a huge part of their success is that they are foreigners. Liberals WANT to know we are being weighed *by outsiders,* and that they have found us WANTING.
"White people kill other white people at almost the same rate black people kill other black people & yet you never hear anyone complaining about 'white on white crime'. These aren't points of sage wisdom from Maher. They are classic racist dog whistles.".
15
23
249
When I worked at an Amazon call center for a summer, I had a Black customer call in to complain that he hadn’t received his copy of this particular 1972 western, and it remains the most uncomfortable phone call of my entire life.
11
21
262
Woody Allen changed his name to hide his Jewishness. Astute observation from one of the alt-right’s brightest minds.
29
11
248
@faceyouhate I watched The Shining once at a “midnight screening” in Uptown on Halloween, so you can imagine the crowd that showed up. They laughed the whole time, especially hard at her reactions. And it’s like…”Yes, this is who the Razzies are made for.”.
4
3
246
“Lamb Chop, I’m going to put my hands through the back of your head, is that okay? Does this feel good? Can I open your mouth with my fingers now?”
@davo_arid He knows it’s a puppet, right?.
4
10
246
Up next, the most famous contender: Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg:
7
7
252
If you liked this post, you should definitely check out the 1975 Filipino melodrama “Maynila sa mga Kuko ng Liwanag,” currently streaming on the Criterion Channel:.
13
8
239
@BrndnStrssng It makes you long for the halcyon days when the taxation of trade routes to the outlying star systems was in dispute.
1
1
224
Picking a romantic movie for an at-home date night with my wife, and I know I *should* pick something I haven’t seen before, but I know there’s no chance it will be better than ISA PA WITH FEELINGS (Cruz, 2019), so that’s what we’re seeing!
4
120
249
11th wedding anniversary tomorrow. Take THAT everyone who called me gay in college!
20
3
231
Chapo Trap House’s “Hunter Biden is actually Chad for being a monstrous drug addict who uses his Dad’s influence to avoid any consequences for his crimes” is one of their most effective marketing campaigns on behalf of the Democratic Party.
21
14
202
To take a sympathetic view: the guy destroyed his face and body by taking all those drugs for this film—sacrificing years off his life in the process—and then for it to come out and learn immediately that he WASN’T going to be a star, that none of it mattered…It’s gotta be hard.
Kumail Nanjiani Says He Started Seeing a Therapist Because of Bad ‘Eternals’ Reviews: ‘I Do Have Trauma From It’
15
6
229
Courtroom testimony from one of the “Exonerated 5”:
1
8
220
John Simon: “Cybill Shepherd in Taxi Driver looks like Mussolini in drag.”. Cybill Shepherd in Taxi Driver:
18
5
211
@evrythingstays Salaam’s testimony is so awful it almost crosses over into bring funny. THIS is the guy the DNC is celebrating tonight.
5
13
215
Rittenhouse’s brother and grandmother and aunt and uncle and cousins all lived in Kenosha because it’s actually just 20 minutes from his house, lol. But love to see the Chapo boys joining forces with Pod Save America on this one.
3
7
172
My 5-year-old watched THE PHANTOM MENACE for the first time today. I asked him about it during bedtime tonight, and all he could talk about was pod racing and the Jedi—the idiot, too stupid to graap what it’s *really* about (the taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems).
12
17
213
“Whoa, cool tattoo! I love Fleetwood Mac too. Those opening tracks on the ‘Mirage’ album—so perfect! I think that’s when they peaked. What about you, what’s your favorite?”. “STOP MANSPLAINING, INCEL!!!!”.
13
14
214
And much thanks to everyone for all the kind comments! :).
8
1
199