the real hero of the Indiana Jones movies is Indiana Jones’ TA, who had to teach all of dude’s classes every semester on zero notice while his boss traipsed across the globe and still gained tenure without so much as putting together a damn lesson plan
me: hey I’m Dave, headed to the airport
Uber driver: what’s your name?
me: ...Dave
Uber driver: where you going?
me: ...the airport
Uber driver: [touching his phone for fourteen minutes but I can see nothing’s changing on the screen] okay Big Dave ever been in the sky before
*girl posts photo in girls chat*
-💕 omg movie starrrrr 💕
-marry/adopt me plz
-Queen 😍😜💦
-B E A U T Y
*boy posts photo in boys chat*
-three windows much?
-nice ugly plate in the lower right corner
-is that the Unabomber
-I showed your photo to an orphan and now he’s blind
me: my voice is horse
friend: don’t you mean “hoarse”?
no whimsical outcome of this comical misunderstanding occurs. the poor and disadvantaged continue to suffer, the rich rig the system to maintain their power, and no matter what we do, we do so in the face of inevitable death
a libertarian, a militant atheist, and a Ben Shapiro listener walk into a bar. during the ensuing unlistenable pedantry used to justify a sickening panoply of pseudointellectual racist quackery and deep-seated psychosexual hangups the bar closes and they all blame creeping sharia
Person of the Year: Me
— good ally to women
— not problematic
— deleted all my old bad tweets
— blocked my ex on Facebook so she wouldn’t comment on my statuses about how guys should be better
Any man can be a dad. It takes someone special to have a completely silent dinner at a chain restaurant with multiple breaks to go smoke outside and be a father.
Build your perfect political party
You have $1
Human rights for all - $20
Provides sustainable jobs - $40
Guarantees minimum standard of living - $70
Universal health care - lol jk
Caves in to billionaires and big business for personal gain no matter who it kills - $1
the original script for Shrek had a seven minute sex scene but they didn’t have the computing power in 2001 to make it happen for under $100 million per second
every time a bell rings angels still don’t exist. there is no god, existence has no meaning, life meanders without purpose, all your pain and suffering is for naught, and no I don’t want to buy any Girl Scout cookies today but I really support what you guys are doing so good luck