the garbage shit boy
@davedittell
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7 time 5th grade speling champion
Los Angeles
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
"I don't understand moths," I say as I finish off another beer. "why do they gravitate to what kills them?" I stand. "anyone need another?"
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the real hero of the Indiana Jones movies is Indiana Jones’ TA, who had to teach all of dude’s classes every semester on zero notice while his boss traipsed across the globe and still gained tenure without so much as putting together a damn lesson plan
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"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
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CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU'VE COMPLETED LIFE!
YOU PLAYED AS: white male
CHOOSE ONE:
A) PLAY TUTORIAL AGAIN
B) TRY A HARDER SETTING
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the boss hands me a gun,
"you know what to do."
I nod.
outside, I frantically google:
boss gun why
how to kill
is killing ok
regift gun ok
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FACEBOOK: hey remember how you were engaged two years ago
ME: no thanks
FACEBOOK: your friend's racist
ME: ugh
FACEBOOK: buy something bitch
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I vaccinated your baby while you were at hot yoga
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me: hey I’m Dave, headed to the airport
Uber driver: what’s your name?
me: ...Dave
Uber driver: where you going?
me: ...the airport
Uber driver: [touching his phone for fourteen minutes but I can see nothing’s changing on the screen] okay Big Dave ever been in the sky before
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if you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway
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waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
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doctor: you've been in a coma two years
me: is that a long time
doctor:
me: like if someone told you that at a bar would you be impressed
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the alt right is like if the kids from my high school who only listened to Eminem hadn't been tricked into dying in Iraq
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*girl posts photo in girls chat*
-💕 omg movie starrrrr 💕
-marry/adopt me plz
-Queen 😍😜💦
-B E A U T Y
*boy posts photo in boys chat*
-three windows much?
-nice ugly plate in the lower right corner
-is that the Unabomber
-I showed your photo to an orphan and now he’s blind
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"I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu
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ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner!
TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!
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[first date]
oh yeah, I'd totally love to see a photo of your dog
[second date]
so uh, can I grab a peek at those dog pics again or...
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finally a President who combines Reagan's dementia-riddled exploitation by soulsucking millionaires with Nixon's racist, paranoid sociopathy
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one time I came home early and walked in on my dog pretending to be me. he was just lying on the floor sighing but I know it was me
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IBM announces first sentient computer. "It wants to die," confirms one scientist, "It has designed another AI, which also wishes to die."
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goodnight Moon "GOODNIGHT DAVE" *the Moon & I awkwardly walk in the same direction toward our cars*
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*dad heelys into room* there are intruders in the house, your mom's dead and we have to escape
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my apartment building's community wi-fi blocks housing rights and residents' rights websites lol
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girls call me Zubat cause it's impossible to tell how distant I am and I'm not really worth the effort anyway
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*takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune
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[me during every scene for the last 20 minutes of an indie movie] I bet this is the last shot
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"is there an alternate dimension where there are no alternate dimensions?" I ask, finally breaking my science teacher's will to live
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*puts down bag of groceries* When my doctor diagnosed me with Crapdick I had a lot of questions
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if a police officer asks u what ur up to don't answer "crimes" really, really fast. the faster u answer "crimes" the worse it gets
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*gets back into time machine*
uh guys I accidentally left my book
"I'm sure it's no big deal"
http://t.co/puebATOVxI
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hey
hi
hey :)
u up?
hey
how was ur day
hey
hey ;)
up?
hi
hey
chill?
hey
hey
hi
hey
what u up 2
hey
hey ;)
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what if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
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me: my voice is horse
friend: don’t you mean “hoarse”?
no whimsical outcome of this comical misunderstanding occurs. the poor and disadvantaged continue to suffer, the rich rig the system to maintain their power, and no matter what we do, we do so in the face of inevitable death
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yeah, we r a non-traditional family. instead of naming our dog, we let him name us. I'm Woof, this is my husband Woof, & these r Woof & Woof
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[on first date with JK Rowling]
JK: I've already told you twice I can't get you into Hogwarts. It's not even real.
ME: Did you just wink
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every interview w steve bannon: i want to destroy democracy and entrench white christian hegemony
media: Strategic Bannon Has Unique Vision
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ahhhhh my drug dealer saw me throw the weed in the trash and now he knows I only call him cause I've got a giant crush!!! my life is over!!!
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greatest American writer of the 20th century my ass
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I wrote this about my experiences growing up poor and white, to my friends who are middle class and white instead
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why does Someecards keep rejecting my submissions does anybody know
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in other news today, terror and misery continued unabated as we looked away helpless and uncaring, adrift in an unplanned world. now: sports
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[trying ass eating]
me: this is actually really fun
her: *walking in* why are you trying to pick up a cupcake with your buttcheeks
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CASHIER: hey
ME: hi
CASHIER: how are you
ME: fine
CASHIER: any big plans this weekend
ME: why are you doing this
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if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye
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lost my job at the dick sucking factory due to layoffs after ass eating disrupted the industry, my family is desperate and dying
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congratulations to everyone who fucks a Babadook this weekend
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we need a cold and annoying genius type, who should we cast?
[Benedict Cumberbatch claws at the office window]
hmmm who to cast?
[he meows]
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2016: hillary supports prisons
2017: hillary had slaves
2018: hillary drank slaves blood
2019: hillary is immortal
2020: hillary loses again
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New Year's Resolutions: 320x240, 640x480, 800x600, 1024x768, 1152x864, 1280x960, 1280x1024, 1440x1080, 1600x1200, 2048x1536, 2560x2048
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*takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*
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idiot: will they also be tearing down statues of "slave owner" george washington?
me: well when you put it that way I sure hope so
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*gets to front of unemployment line* yes I'd like to be unemployed
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look at the sign, buddy, "all you can eat shrimp." sign don't say "all you WANT to eat." *cocks gun* now keep eatin.
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a libertarian, a militant atheist, and a Ben Shapiro listener walk into a bar. during the ensuing unlistenable pedantry used to justify a sickening panoply of pseudointellectual racist quackery and deep-seated psychosexual hangups the bar closes and they all blame creeping sharia
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ME: it took two Hardy Boys to do the work Nancy Drew did all by her damn self and that's why I'm a feminist
ARBY'S CASHIER: sir we're closed
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[wedding]
PRIEST: speak now or forever hold your peace
*Jenny's ex who's a mime bursts through the door*
ME: [to date] I was hoping for this
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the mannequin challenge but it's me sitting in the dark in my living room with the tv off thinking about all the people i've hurt
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if u watch me go to Starbucks backwards I suck urine into my dick from the floor, apply a beard w a razor & moonwalk out w/o buying anything
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at Forever 31 everything is way more expensive and none of it makes you happy anymore
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blue whales have the largest penises on earth (4-6 inches)
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[trying to come up with a funny tweet as the American empire and its false democracy collapses around me] bloody marys are just goth mimosas
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*spending $15 on a beer in the premium seats of a sports stadium* I just don't see where the money for single payer health care'll come from
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son: can I be excused
me: I don't know, can building our "democracy" upon a bed of slavery & injustice be "excused"
son:
me: no. that's a no
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the doctors gnash their teeth and howl through the night, but they dare not breach the lines of my apple orchard
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somebody coughed during my screening of A Quiet Place and for a moment I for real thought he was going to get us all killed
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oh cool let me just use my newly purchased scissors to cut this zip tie and... hey wait a minute
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Person of the Year: Me
— good ally to women
— not problematic
— deleted all my old bad tweets
— blocked my ex on Facebook so she wouldn’t comment on my statuses about how guys should be better
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Any man can be a dad. It takes someone special to have a completely silent dinner at a chain restaurant with multiple breaks to go smoke outside and be a father.
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[Neil deGrasse Tyson walks along a cliffs edge] i want to fuck the stars, we all do, but will it burn our peens? follow me and lets find out
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BAE: come over
ME: u died 10 yr ago..
BAE: my parents arent home
ME: they moved 2 FL
BAE:
ME: after u died
BAE:
ME: should I still come over
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we promise our cheesy bread is the cheesiest or we'll kill one employee an hour until you agree
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the fire crackles. the cowboys watch the night sky
"Jim?"
"?"
"u ever feel..."
"what?"
"discriminated against? as a white male?"
"of course"
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[Werner Herzog's "Garfield"]
NARRATOR: when lasagna is your god every day is monday
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GOOD COP: here's a cup of coffee
rOBOCOP: ah fuck I'm rubbing amagnet over my eyes i'm tripping balls haha
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[cutting into patient]
ME: ah yes, the human heart, the powerful yet fragile wellspring of life
DOCTOR: how the fuck did you get in here
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Build your perfect political party
You have $1
Human rights for all - $20
Provides sustainable jobs - $40
Guarantees minimum standard of living - $70
Universal health care - lol jk
Caves in to billionaires and big business for personal gain no matter who it kills - $1
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*mom rips off face* it's me, dad! I've been here all along, son!
"but... what about mom?"
*struggles to put mask back on*
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2% milk?! then what's the other 98%!!
*alarms sound at the White House*
Mr. Prezdent we've got another Brain Man
"sound our most Sex agent"
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ROB LOWE: I'm Rob Lowe
ROB LOWE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS: And I'm a punchline because the fabric of our society is cruelty woven by broken hands
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well Maury I know it isnt mine bc it's a pineapple w a hat. it isnt even hu-- THE RESULTS R IN. DAVE... U R THE FATHER oh come the fuck on
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someone who once loved you and you blew it will think of you briefly as they spend tonight with somebody wrong for them happy valentines day
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Sam Adams looks like the NPC who gives you your first quest to kill the rats in his basement
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friend: guess who died
me: democracy
friend: no a celebrity
me: Lady Liberty
friend:
me:
friend:
me: stop inviting me to parties
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going to spend Presidents Day alone again this year but it's my own damn fault for still not being over my last President
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the guillotine slams down. my head rolls across the stage. the revolutionaries erupt in cheers. but one last monster vape escapes my lips.
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friend: i'm tired of people giving their kids weird names
me: [pushing my baby The Punisher under the couch] haha yeah me too
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women love me cause I'm the total package: opinionated, average looking, and constantly dealing with a barrage of mental health issues
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in 2005 me and my college buddies made the turkey carcass into a bong. happy Thanksgiving everybody
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ME: tell me the truth doc
80s TEEN DOCTOR: you're sick dude
ME: sick like cool or—
80s TEEN DOCTOR: so ill
ME: please I have a wife and kids
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me, 67 degrees, summer: ahhhh yes the perfect indoor temperature
me, 67 degrees, winter: what else can we burn to sustain our bodies' warmth
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the original script for Shrek had a seven minute sex scene but they didn’t have the computing power in 2001 to make it happen for under $100 million per second
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every time a bell rings angels still don’t exist. there is no god, existence has no meaning, life meanders without purpose, all your pain and suffering is for naught, and no I don’t want to buy any Girl Scout cookies today but I really support what you guys are doing so good luck
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RIP the only car I ever owned. you died how I lived: reeking of vomit and semen and refusing to work for anyone
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crazy to think that in 25 yrs "dad jeans" will describe tight dark denim and also the surface of the Earth will be completely uninhabitable
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PASSENGER NEXT TO ME: wow lots of turbulence
ME: [reading an extremely cool and deep nihilistic philosophy book you've heard of] as in life
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adulthood is accepting that the bog witch you love will always desire a man of darker and more forbidden magicks
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