guterman
@danguterman
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166
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Carol & The End Of The World (2023), Rick & Morty, Colbert Report, At Home with Amy Sedaris, Community, The Onion (Head Writer)
Los Angeles, CA
Joined March 2009
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Birmingham
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Medina
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Shapiro
• 196765 Tweets
FNAF
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Adin Ross
• 174053 Tweets
Walz
• 168710 Tweets
Iraq
• 130239 Tweets
Raskin
• 116554 Tweets
Fortnite
• 103061 Tweets
#WWERaw
• 78271 Tweets
Tati
• 61885 Tweets
Alonso
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原爆投下
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原子爆弾
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Poseidon
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Fortaleza
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Gunther
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平和記念式典
• 24693 Tweets
Seth
• 23910 Tweets
Damian
• 23653 Tweets
篠原ともえ
• 22564 Tweets
Aiyuk
• 17568 Tweets
#広島平和記念日
• 17546 Tweets
ハムの日
• 15322 Tweets
Brisa
• 13207 Tweets
画像表示
• 12066 Tweets
はだしのゲン
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Elly
• 10700 Tweets
Nassau County
• 10018 Tweets
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
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20 years ago i got fooled very badly by THE SIXTH SENSE. I swore I’d never let my guard down again and have since assumed every character in every movie is DEAD unless told otherwise. Movies are not really fun anymore but i refuse to be humiliated a second time.
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fyi no one’s making it out of the next decade alive
I've gone down a black hole of the latest DeepFakes and this mashup of Steve Buscemi and Jennifer Lawrence is a sight to behold
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First thing Clinton should do as president is pour everything into education so that this never ever happens again.
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if you loved that episode, we top it this season, multiple times. If you hated it, we top it this season, multiple times.
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took a trip to los carneros in the heart of wine country. so beautiful out here but all i can think about is work
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I don’t care who the new Batman is as long as his parents are murdered.
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I am in a crate & barrel rn and the only other person in here is Hulk Hogan.
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"Two strangers bound together by a shocking secret” - cool way of describing sandwiches
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If I was rich I'd have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
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going through the latest guinness world record book. very cool!
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Do they sell 2017 calendars by the month? Not sure I want to commit to a full year.
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Ayn Rand's favorite stuffed animal growing up was an eight foot beam of steel.
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fox news hoping it finds the world’s smallest horse or largest onion ring to report on by 10 a.m.
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popsugar just sold me all of your faces for a very gross thing I’m working on
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So everyone who's not a nazi, we're all gonna unite, right? We're not gonna split hairs & fuck this up again right? Please? Fucking please?
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The alt-right movement is driven by an elaborate ideology masking two important truths: they fear women and suck at sketch comedy.
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A good curse would be people can hear it whenever you play air guitar.
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depression is like carrying a 300 pound man on your back and he’s got his head perched on your shoulder and he’s babbling about stuff from eight years ago
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time to write
*sits down, thinks for 9 hours*
ok, good writing day
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There are 3 basic storytelling conflicts. Jamaican Bobsled Team vs Man. Jamaican Bobsled Team vs Nature. Jamaican Bobsled Team vs Self.
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I've watched my wife fall asleep every night for the last 10 years. Still can't believe we've been together for almost 6 years.
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NEW DUNK IDEA: An elderly man mailing a handwritten letter to an old friend he doesn't realize has passed away. And you dunk over him.
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QUICK Q: when trump's presidency implodes and I weep with joy -- do those tears go in the old mugs or are you guys getting new mugs for that
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im so so so so so so so old
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My new novel "1994" is a sequel to the classic dystopian masterpiece, except everyone is in college now.
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If you pay close attention you can spot four to six anxious time travelers at every Trump rally.
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this is gonna sound like allegory but i fell inside a very deep hole and the more i try to climb out the deeper the hole gets. again, not a metaphor, hole is real, i am inside the hole, please send help, hole does not represent anything, please hurry
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They all laughed when I said I was going deaf. But who's laughing now?
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You know the scene in Searching For Bobby Fischer where the kid stares at a chess board and sees a whole match play out? That's me with cake
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it’s a sweet and heartwarming movie but the old man from UP totally voted for trump
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A cool thing to say when people are discussing television is "I believe it's 'Doctor Whom'".
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This IKEA joke may be cheap, but it still took me hours to set up.
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My biggest fear is that we won't still be furious in three months and in six months and in a year from now.
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I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure spring, fall asleep, and maintain an erection.
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What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night? Hurry. This thing is creeping me out.
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My biggest complaint about Batman v Superman is how the movie always just assumes you know which one is which.
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I remember a simpler time when men were men, and women were men, and horses were two men inside a costume with a third man riding on top.
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Walked out of Wonder Woman 84. Tweeting this from my front yard.
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The thing I remember most about having a pet rock is how one day it just went crazy and attacked my best friend in the back of the head.
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The secret to drawing horses is start drawing a dog and then halfway through pretend the dog is really, really rich.
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whenever i get depressed i have this little trick i do where nothing really helps until it basically goes away on its own.
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WOMAN: my husband died. he had a heart attack.
ME: *mimes playing world’s largest violin*
WOMAN: what are you doing?
ME: *still miming very immense violin* no, this is a good thing. im on your side here.
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Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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In the biopic about Trump the childhood sled would be called Trump.
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this is everything u need to know about me:
i cast three 14 year olds as bullies and I looked between takes and saw them making fun of me
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THRILLER IDEA: A man finds stacks of money inside his burrito. We then cut to another man as he opens a briefcase to reveal carne asada. The man struggles to explain. He is shot through the head.
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erin brokovich was suspicious of me & my loud motorcycle & tattoos but then i beat her kids at cards & she couldnt say no
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Women love it when you emit three high pitched squawks, inflate your expandable throat pouch, and then dart back and forth between trees.
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A taste of the obnoxious work two obsessives did during the animatic stage. (CC:
@ryanridley
)
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If the shit Donald Trump has said as President ever gets out, he’s done.
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One wonders how much chaos the Three Stooges could've avoided with clear and open communication.
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HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA: Stop embarrassing yourself. You're thirty-one.
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when you get fired over zoom they make you clean out your apartment and leave.
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I think characters should be able to find the mask from THE MASK movies in movies that aren’t THE MASK.
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I got some things through but a lot of my ideas ended up being "too weird" for that episode.
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Halloween is fun, because haha, I'm a monster pretending I'm not a monster pretending I'm a different monster.
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On my deathbed I will be very explicit about what is or isn't a sled.
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dont let ordering mozzarella sticks through ur phone fool you: this is very much a dystopia.
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If a book uses symbolism it should have to tell you. And list the pages it's on. And have characters "cough" right before symbolism is used.
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The thing I remember most about growing up on a farm upstate is how many dead dogs we had as pets.
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@wwe
please use my idea for a bad guy who everyone hates because he walks really really slowly to the ring
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i was feeling really upset and i didn’t know why and then i remembered oh right everything
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time traveler from the future just found out I’m jewish and has like a million questions. he is very excited. not a great sign.
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Probably the hardest move in ultimate frisbee is getting a job.
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my favorite episode of seinfeld is when they bet who can go the longest without masturbating and one by one they all masturbate and you see it each time
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Tonight is the season finale of Rick and Morty season three. Thanks for watching! Hope it was worth the wait!
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Some nights I look at the sky and I wonder if there's an alien out there staring back at me, and if there is, what's his fucking problem.
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here it is. the time earlier this year when i saw hulk hogan at a crate & barrel.
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If I was a character on the Twilight Zone I'd just sit down in an arm chair and not touch or say anything until the episode was over.
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I cried all the way through PIXAR'S
#Coco
and also every day for several years before it came out. Great movie!!!
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"You can take the boy out of Lake Michigan but you can't take Lake Michigan out of the boy" - Paramedics
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I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman's body. Especially for the first nine months.
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Had my sexual awakening when I was 12 and the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile crashed into that curtain store.
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Tired of all these stupid rom-coms. And so is my best friend who I have feelings for but is dating the lawyer who's representing my ex-wife.
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if i could have sex with anyone living or dead i’d pick living.
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just three more copies and I’ll have my all-frans edition of guess who
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TRIVIA: At one point I pitched Million Ants have a sidekick: "Three More Ants". It was in the script for a spell but then we took it out.
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@neiltyson
why when it’s daytime we call it “the sun” but when it’s dark out now suddenly it’s “a moon”?
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i got to see the end of the new jurassic park movie and it turns out the whole thing is just a big misunderstanding
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There’s a special place in hell for no one. It’s hell. It’s standing room only with no assigned seats.
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@Harvard
going to wear one of your shirts to a Joe’s Crab Shack unless you mail me $200. You have 24 hours.
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