KokumSarah
@creeation72
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Lakotah’s mom, forever 31❤️ #safersupply #harmreduction #housing4all
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Joined December 2012
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My son had an addiction to alcohol & drugs.He was so much more than his addiction but it was ever present. For years, I’ve lived with the constant fear of losing him to it. Now that it’s happened, I don’t know who I am anymore. The fear is gone. What remains is a vast emptiness.
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I’ve been obsessed with my son’s funeral. I was at the funeral home the next day. It dawned on me that it’s become so important because it’s the last time I’ll be able to “mother” my baby boy.
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Said our final goodbye to my son today. Hardest day of my life. Made so much more bearable by friends & family holding me up & taking care of me & all the many, many details ❤️
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My handsome son has gone to join his father. I hope you’re both at peace and rejoicing in your reunion. Goodbye baby boy. Mommy loves you forever. 💔
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To anyone surreptitiously blaming me for my son’s death, I’ve already got that covered. No need to pile on.
I think I need to sign off here for a bit. 😞
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I will not let my baby be reduced to a fucking number. This is my son, Lakotah. He was 31-yrs-old. He was loved and treasured by many. He was a father, a son, a grandson. He was funny, and generous, and smart as hell. He is missed beyond all reason 💔
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A short story. My boy Lakotah died Dec 19, 2022 of fentanyl poisoning. He was houseless for the preceding 11 days before his death. I believed that treatment and “recovery” were the only options. I didn’t know any better./1
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It’s been 2 weeks now since my son passed away. And I wonder if this is how I’ll forever mark time. 2 weeks, 1 month, 6 months, 1 year, etc. since my whole world fell apart 😞
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My son had so much love to give. He loved deeply & fully. He just didn’t know how to love himself. And because of this he couldn’t accept the love we all tried so desperately to give him. 😞
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I want to scream & rage & throw stuff at the walls. I want to cause chaos all around me. But I won’t. I’ve always played by the rules. I went and got the degrees & exceeded expectations. But it didn’t matter in the end because I couldn’t save my son. I COULDN’T SAVE MY SON. Wtf
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Today is grandbaby’s bday. It’s also the 18th anniversary of when an aneurysm ruptured in my brain. My beloved son saved my life that day. He called the ambulance & calmly explained what was happening. He was my biggest advocate in emerg. He was 13. I miss him. 4 weeks today 😢
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Working on
#beadsoupchallenge
Based on a butterfly my 4-yr-old granddaughter drew for me. This process has been difficult but ultimately rewarding. When I ran out of pinks & purples, I had to regroup. She’s gonna love it. My sense of colour & symmetry will have to deal
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Finished!!
#beadsoupchallenge
I’m really happy with how it turned out. All that’s left is edging. I’m going to paint up a wood box, add the beaded piece and gift it to my granddaughter for her 5th birthday next month. It was after all based on her art ❤️
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This pain is absolutely untouchable. He was my everything for 31 years. I don’t understand how to go on without him.
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Introducing a newly 49-yr-old, newly minted PhD CANDIDATE!!! I did it! Officially ABD. 😁
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My son died 6 days before Xmas last year of a toxic drug supply. I don't want to celebrate this time of year. I carry on with the rituals for my parents & granddaughter. Holding love in my heart for all those parents out there without their child
#childloss
#GriefAtChristmas
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Day 5
#artadventcalendar
Next month marks 15 years since I suffered a ruptured cerebral aneurysm in my right frontal lobe.
I made this in remembrance of the day my life changed forever
#SciArt
#yegarts
#yeg
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@7e39568132fb42a
Every time the phone rings, every time there’s a knock on the door. I used to dream of doorbells ringing, fear racing through my body as I sat up in bed. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful. It’s all so so awful.
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I gained a bunch of new followers over the last day. guess I should introduce myself :)
I am a citizen of Mikisew Cree First Nation, born and raised in Edmonton, AB. I'm a PhD student writing a dissertation on Indigenous art as pedagogy.
I'm a mom, grandma, and beadwork artist
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So that tweet got away from me and I can’t keep up with responding or acknowledging everyone’s kind words. Thank you. What is gutting to me about so many of the responses is how many people out there are dealing with loss and heartache in one way or another. I see you ❤️
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❤️
Camden Wade was given his first hand drum when he was just six months old, and regularly sings at home with his grandpa.
Now 18 months old, Camden just took part in his first round dance, held at the Frog Lake Band Hall - and he loved it!
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If only my boy were still alive today. Given what I know now he might have had a chance./8
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If only I had seen how much pain he was in. If only I had recognized the drug and alcohol use were a symptom and not the problem. The problem was his trauma and pain. If only I hadn’t believed the tough love advocates. Sometimes rock-bottom kills./6
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Gawd I miss him. I want my son back 😭 💔
Addiction shouldn’t be a death sentence.
#safesupply
#harmreductionislove
#grief
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I am thrilled to announce that as of July 1, I will be joining the Faculty of Education at the University of Alberta as a tenure-track Assistant Professor, cross-appointed between the Aboriginal Teacher Education Program (undergrad) & Indigenous Peoples Education (grad).
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I have a lot of new followers so I thought I should introduce myself. First & foremost, I’m a mother & grandmother. I may be a childless mother now, but still one nonetheless. My granddaughter is the shining light in my universe. she keeps me going & makes me smile /1
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I ended up making Xmas dinner for the fam after my mom broke her ankle yesterday. She’s in the hospital for a bit. I’m glad I had to take over the cooking. It kept me occupied all day. I didn’t have time to dwell. There were tears & laughter remembering my son. It was a good day.
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I wish I had known there were other options, like
#safer
supply. I would’ve steered him in a different direction. I didn’t know. I believed at the time that the only option was treatment and complete sobriety. He was sober for 2 months. 12 days later he was dead./3
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He got frostbite in those 12 days wandering the streets of north Edmonton. My mom eventually got him a hotel room. He died in that hotel room, using alone. If only I hadn’t made my love and support conditional on sobriety. If only I hadn’t turned him to the streets./5
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If only there were actual supports in place. If only there were options available that are not temporary shelters. This doesn’t even give an account of the 15 years prior to his death when I tried desperately to get help, when he tried desperately to get help./7
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In those 12 days, he reached out for help with housing and support. He was given a stack of papers which he was in no shape to navigate. He refused to go to a shelter. He was afraid of shelters. My son was 6’4”, 280 lbs. And he was scared./4
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My parents both lost their moms & their grandson over the last 5-6 weeks. PLUS my mom was just taken to emergency with what is likely a broken foot after a fall. Some prayers for my folks would be appreciated if that’s your thing. ❤️
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My son did not die from safe supply. He died from an illicit unregulated toxic drug supply. If he'd had access to safe supply, he might be alive today.
23,863 Canadians have died from a policy that has not even been proven, as an experiment or otherwise to be effective.
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He was evicted from his apartment Oct 2022. I let him stay with me for 2 months before kicking him out due to alcohol use. That was my condition. No alcohol or drugs. It was a monumental mistake on my part that I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life./2
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Went to grief yoga last night, the first of 6 sessions. I’m not exactly a yoga person. I go every now and then. But this helped. Taking baby steps.
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I can trace a direct line from my grandmother's time in IRS and my son's drug use and ultimate death 9 months ago. On this
#NationalDayforTruthandReconciliation
, remember his name and his face as yet one more loss due to the schools. Trauma begets trauma 💜Lakotah💜
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A real house of horrors has been found in the basement of the marlborough hotel in Winnipeg. Women's clothing & purses, stained mattresses behind a locked door, a whole bar, and this horrifying door. I'm gonna be having nightmares too.
#mmiwg2S
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Early photos of my Lakotah. I would go through the heart-wrenching grief all over again and live with it the rest of my life 1000X over to be able to say I was this wonderful boy's mama. I'll repeat myself again and again, he was so much more than his addiction. He was everything
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What pisses me off the most about pretendian stories is that so many of these fraudsters misrepresent themselves by using our traumas (poverty, violence, addiction, etc.) to prop up their claims.
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Sharing some good news 😊
Congratulations to Indigenous Peoples Education PhD candidate Sarah Auger on receiving the Intersections of Gender Thesis Grant for her thesis "Indigenous Art as Pedagogy - Creativity & Creative Activities in Cree Contexts." 👏
#UAlberta
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Then he got up, walked into the store & spent his $20 buying a sandwich, coffee, & other snacks for his new friend. They parted with a handshake & gave this grieving mama a precious memory to hold onto/2
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This has become a grief & advocacy account. If you’re waiting for the old kokumsarah to show up, she doesn’t exist anymore.
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One year ago, December 19, 2022, I got the call that brought me to my knees. Miss you and love you forever son. 💜Lakotah💜
#childloss
#grief
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I have attended far too many funerals the last couple of years, including for my own son. 😥
Indigenous people in Winnipeg say they go to more funerals than they do graduation or wedding ceremonies, and the grief is weighing on the community.
@ReporterJoanne
has the story.
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One of my favourite memories of my son was when we were in Vancouver with my parents. Lakotah had $20 (he was about 11 or 12). We walked down to the 7-11 one night. Lakotah encountered a man sitting outside asking for change. Lakotah leaned in to talk to him/1
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I haven’t seen a lot written about the physical pain that accompanies grief. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places? 🤷🏻♀️. There are days I can barely move. If you see me shuffling through Safeway hanging onto the cart for dear life now you know. I used to stride, now I shuffle.
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I once believed that sobriety & abstinence were the only way. Until I lost my son to a toxic drug supply. I was so intractable. He tried. My boy did try to live up to my expectations. But he can’t try anymore. He can’t ever “recover”. He can’t ever seek treatment. Do you see?
Margaret and Andy Cowan in
@YahooNews
explaining why they began campaigning for the legal regulation of drugs. Their son, Daniel, died after taking what he had thought was MDMA.
"Young people are our future, and we need to be optimising their safety."
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Lost my younger cousin today. Another Indigenous life gone too soon. Someone let me off this ride 😭
On this Indigenous Peoples Day, 6 months & 2 days after the death of my precious son, I am remembering all those who we have lost far too young due to ongoing colonization & its endless fallout.
#childloss
#safesupply
#HarmReduction
#Grief
#notcelebrating
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Anyone collectors of
#prisonart
out there? Here’s the real deal. My boy could use a win right now. He was released yesterday. And I’d sure like him to have a reason to keep beading. I will cover s&h in Canada.
My son made these keychains. He’s a beginner beader. I’m impressed. $30 each + s&h. DM if interested
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Oh ffs. Now I’m being accused of being a grifter? I sell handmade earrings. I have asked for mutual aid in the past. The PayPal link didn’t just magically appear when I lost my son
I have not once asked for people to send me money since he passed
Wtf is wrong with some people?
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He would have been 32 years old today. Happy Heavenly Birthday Lakotah. Mommy loves you forever.
#safersupply
#houseing4all
#childloss
#grief
#forever31
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Hold your babies close tonight. Tell them how much you love them.
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Full article: Sounds of silence. The “special grief” of drug-death bereaved parents: a qualitative study
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Reminds me of those old pics of mounds of buffalo bones 😞
This is a disgusting and cowardly and violent act. White fishermen broke into the
#MikMaq
lobster storage facility and destroyed thousands of pounds of live lobster in "protest." These are the men crying
#conservation
.
#fridaymorning
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Woke up to news that 67% of dead children with CW file in Alberta last year were Indigenous. PLUS a mass grave at IRS in Saddle Lake. Children wrapped in shrouds. Forensic anthropologist confirmed one child under age of 5. CME & RCMP refused to help. 😭
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Lots of new followers. I'm mom to my late son, Lakotah, who died of fentanyl poisoning in 2022. I'm kokum to my 10-yr-old granddaughter. I'm a citizen of Mikisew Cree First Nation, but born & raised in
#yeg
. PhD candidate & newly hired Asst. Prof in Indigenous Peoples Education
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An Elder told me that bereaved moms have an insight that separates us. We are connected to our child even after they’re gone. We are living with one foot in both worlds. I can’t stop thinking about this. I feel it. Even when having fun & laughing, there’s a veil of sadness always
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I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out how to move forward. Beyond self care, looking for a way to contribute in a way that will turn the horrible into something good. I’m a good writer & a decent public speaker, but getting to the place of advocacy might take awhile/1
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On this Indigenous Peoples Day, 6 months & 2 days after the death of my precious son, I am remembering all those who we have lost far too young due to ongoing colonization & its endless fallout.
#childloss
#safesupply
#HarmReduction
#Grief
#notcelebrating
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I think the word, actually, is genocidal...troubling doesn't cut it. 😔
Coerced sterilizations of Indigenous women in Saskatoon troubling: Bennett
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This is the last known photo of my son. He was so handsome. He was kind, generous & sensitive. It was taken 3 weeks before his death on the day of my grandmother's funeral. He was a pallbearer. He never deserved to die.
#safersupply
#grief
#childloss
#forever31
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Day 2
#artadventcalendar
Made this last year for
#beadsoupchallenge
It was based on a drawing of a butterfly by my granddaughter
#beadwork
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Helped my dad with an appeal for a 60s scoop settlement last fall. Learned today it was successful. Feeling pretty good about it. Turns out knowing how to write a kick-ass letter has some benefits. Needed a win right now.
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I seen a former co-worker at the rounddance who I haven’t seen in almost 20 yrs. When I told her about Lakotah, she said, “how are you even standing?” And I immediately felt guilt. How am I even standing? How can I go out and smile, even laugh when my son never will again. 💔/1
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Things I'm doing to get through today
1. Get my first tattoo
2. Take my entire family out to dinner at my late son's fave restaurant
3. Give away all of my beads to my late son's girlfriend so they'll actually get used. I need to start fresh 💜
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Whew! the responses under this are something else. Still have a lot of work to do. I'm going to take a break from this place while I grieve my son. It's only 9 days from his death anniversary. I would rather remember him for the kind and generous soul he was than whatever this is
My son did not die from safe supply. He died from an illicit unregulated toxic drug supply. If he'd had access to safe supply, he might be alive today.
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Selling these so I can take granddaughter camping this week. I’ve paid for campsite but still need gas and food $. Please RT. DM if interested.
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Well, I didn’t break anything. The urge to tear things down is strong but so is my writing game. Eventually, I’ll write it all out-the rage, the sadness, even the hope.
Today, picking up my granddaughter for the weekend. It will involve bday pizza & cake. And laughter.
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Day 4
#artadventcalender
I’m a brain aneurysm survivor. This is 1 of 2 brains I’ve beaded. Working on the 3rd now.
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Feel like this is my punishment for being a bad mom, for not being able to save him. Intellectually, I know that I couldn’t save him as hard as I tried, but that doesn’t take away the feeling. I just want him back 😭 it’s gonna be a rough night folks 💔
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I completed an abstract & an application for a course today after 2 months of doing absolutely nothing besides planning a funeral. Please clap for me. This is significant 😁
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@Joyhenderson78
Epistemology = ways of knowing; Ontology = ways of being; Methodology = ways of doing; Axiology = ways of valuing. This is how I keep it straight in my head.
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I lost my precious son in December. 1/146. He was more than a number. He was everything.
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Observing
#InternationalBereavedMothersDay
today. Holding space & love for all of the moms who have to endure the unthinkable. Remembering my beautiful boy today & everyday ❤️Lakotah ❤️
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A reminder that First Nations people are dying at 7X the rate of everyone else of drug poisoning. I place this current crisis as one more devastating and disastrous consequence of bad governance and bad policy.
#safersupply
#OPSsaveslives
#housing4all
I can trace a direct line from my grandmother's time in IRS and my son's drug use and ultimate death 9 months ago. On this
#NationalDayforTruthandReconciliation
, remember his name and his face as yet one more loss due to the schools. Trauma begets trauma 💜Lakotah💜
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My son made these keychains. He’s a beginner beader. I’m impressed. $30 each + s&h. DM if interested
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I’ll probably continue to do all these things moving forward though the subjects of my engagement may change a bit given the loss of my son.
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These were popular last time so I made some more. Close up in the comments.
$30 + S&H
DM if interested
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Ha! I’ve applied for that RBC scholarship multiple times both as a Masters and PhD student. Have always been rejected. 🤔
Toronto twins claim of being Inuit raises questions
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My first pair! I’m so proud of myself 😊And so grateful to Michif Cultural Connections & Elder Joyce Beaver for the opportunity to learn ❤️
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The closer I get to my son's death anniversary, the harder it gets. I have nothing left in the tank
Go hug your babies, no matter how old they are, and tell them how much you love them.
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Grief is a funny thing. In a wild night of purging “stuff” last week, I almost gave away all of my beads. There’s a lot. I didn’t and I’m glad I didn’t, but I still can’t pick up my beadwork even though I’m fairly certain it would help.
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