Craig Gass Live in Houston this Sat, July 27!
@craiggasscomedy
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👀 on Sex and The City/King of Queens/TV Roasts,👂on Howard Stern/Family Guy/American Dad - Download The Worst Comedy Show EVER @
Today I’m in Houston, Texas
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NEW show. NEW material. First leg starts tonight!
#WhereHaveYouBeen
#WhereHaveYouBeenTour
#BobbyLee
#Tapeface
#BrianBeaudoin
#WalterJones
#ChrisKael
#FiveFingerDeathPunch
#StandUp
#OnTheRoadAgain
#Yay
#Prescott
#Flagstaff
#StLouis
#Detroit
#NYC
#Bellingham
#Hollywood
#Tampa
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@realDonaldTrump
You're saying you felt better when you heard the leader of North Korea insulting one of your fellow Americans?
#HelpMeOutHere
#BecauseThatSoundsStupid
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Guy who ate bats now protected from the guy who ate the wrong bat.
OZZY OSBOURNE Receives First Dose Of COVID-19 Vaccine
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2K
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785
@anylaurie16
Good for you! I'm sick with Covid now because I didn't speak up about conditions last week.
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SNL sure made a strong stand when they told Shane Gillis he said some offensive words, then asked Eddie Murphy, who has comedy tracks called “Faggots” and “Faggots (Revisited)”, to host the show in December.
#SNL
#MakesSense
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Derrick Coleman signing "I love you" for my mom and sis, who are both deaf.
#TrueStory
#seaHAWKS
http://t.co/m9wzFB31Mj
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This is the woman that someone is pushing to be your Secretary of Education.
#CantMakeThisUp
#FillTheSwamp
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Gonna write this in Norm's twitter style and just keep adding to the end...
I've been lucky to have quite a few personal moments with Norm that were extremely funny, but there's a public moment that Norm had that has to rank as The Single Ballsiest Move in Comedy History...
7
51
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Am I REALLY gonna be the only person on Earth who realizes that Artie and Eddie Van Halen are long lost brothers?
#CmonNow
#EddieVanLange
#ArtieVanSpringsteen
#ArtieLange
#VanHalen
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OK, WHICH CELEBRITY APPRENTICE CAST MEMBER GAVE DONALD COKE?
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#WeLoveYouJeff
Jeff Burton was always ready with something.
ALWAYS.
Even at the start of the pandemic, when everything was so uncertain, I joined
@RizzShow
for a live video stream where, as usual, I turned to Jeff to see what weird thoughts were going on in his head (cont'd)
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TEXANS EVERYWHERE FALL SILENT AS A 4 Foot Tall QB runs circles around their team.
#seaHAWKS
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SEATTLE PEOPLE! Pearl Jam's Matt Cameron is starting a petition to save The Showbox by having it designated as a historical landmark, please share:
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BREAKING: St Louis Blues win their first Championship, as local superhero .
@Patrico1057
seriously considers streaking through downtown — AP News, St Louis
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Norm was NO LONGER ALLOWED to do OJ jokes. He was ordered to stop.
That Saturday... Just days after the OJ verdict, Norm opened his set with "Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm your host Norm MacDonald, and our top story at this hour: It's official, MURDER IS LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA!"
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Looking forward to a day that a Mariners, Seahawks and Sounders game is played on the same weekend, so we can have One In The Pink and Two In The Clink.
#Sorry
#IllShowMyselfOut
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He was SO nice to me.
SO funny to me.
SO unbelievably supportive of me.
And I instinctively knew that he didn't feel comfortable with praise, so I never got to tell him how much I admired him.
But man, did I love him, as most comedians did.
You cannot replace this loss.
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As a Seahawks fan, I cannot tell you how annoying it is to see anyone kick a field goal and actually make it.
#SonnnnOfABitch
#NFLPlayoffs
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ST LOUIS...
@KingScottRules
will do standup for the first time while opening for me at
@StlFunnyBone
in Westport tonight... If you listen to
@RizzShow
, you already know he's got TONS of material!
#Stoked
#NoFear
#WhatDoGirlsSmellLike
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LATEST: Guy who grabs pussies declared himself "A gentlemen" -- AP News, Live from Surreal Town
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i'm not from LA, but I do live there, and I can tell you that not only are Rams fans going to start heading to their cars now, they're going to have a Tom Brady jersey in the backseat to switch into when they get there.
#Frontrunners
#NoSuchThingAsAnLARamsFan
#NFLPlayoffs
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Colin Kaepernick, the 1st player to get fined for using the N word in an NFL game, is sensitive to race relations now.
#HelloPot
#MeetKettle
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P.S. I took it so personally when you thought I intentionally left the hat you gave me in the station bathroom.
That's why I took that hat on a world tour and took pics of it on stage at every concert & on the field of every sporting event.
I told you I liked that hat, Jeff.
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Sad to hear that James Hetfield relapsed, but happy to hear that he's going back into treatment.
There's no shame in slipping, as long as you get back up again.
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@realDonaldTrump
How cool is it that we have a President who prioritizes shitting on his fellow Americans when he's supposed to be working for them?
#DividedWeFall
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GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL IN SEATTLE, and to celebrate, The Seahawks just buttfucked The 49ers in front of EVERYONE.
#Again
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He won't be there for me.
Not happy about that.
But the idea that he's casually showing Olivia Newton John his hairy ass gives me comfort.
#RIP
Jeff Burton.
#WeLoveYouJeff
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He showed up at Robin Williams' memorial at The Comedy Store and gave the most moving speech of the night.
So honest, and so unafraid to cry.
I hope that at his memorial, that someone pays tribute to Norm the same way that he did to Robin.
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When I saw "Rapist holding hostages at Baltimore Burger King", I decided I've had my news fill for the day.
#WillingToLearnPokemonNow
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QUICK INTRODUCTION TO DC - That rookie quarterback that everyone is talking about is named Russell Wilson The 1st.
#GoHawks
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@RizzShow
L to R: Dude from 311, dude from every party at Freddie Mercury's house, dude from Maroon 5, dude that got kicked out of the Metallica tribute band for being too happy.
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Norm was fired immediately.
But I don't know of any other comedian that has ever existed that continued to go for the joke despite all the warnings that Norm received.
Even the safest of comedians, who have no desire to push boundaries AT ALL, respect Norm for what he did.
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Found this on my phone, from Chris Cornell's last performance with Temple of The Dog... "Hunger Strike" at The Paramount in Seattle.
#RIP
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Riderfan57 is at the debate, and snuck in this pic:
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YES, I booked myself at The Neptune Jan 17, hoping that The Seahawks would be playing at home Jan 18.
#GoodLuckCharm
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Having Richard Lewis request that I leave him messages as Al Pacino so he could play it for his friends was a personal thrill for me.
He mentioned Pacino was a friend, and when I said, “You KNOW Al Pacino?”, he just stared at me and said, “OF COURSE I DO!” (Cont)
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@realDonaldTrump
Dude. If you're innocent, what's with all the complaining? Unless....
#WaitASecond
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@UberFacts
Supposedly a Twitter page called "UberFacts" exists, and they almost never tweet out "Facts".
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This is CRAZY.
Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars offered free tickets to EVERY. PERSON. IN THE WORLD.
And the only way to redeem free tickets was if Motley Crue ever toured again.
Well, guess who's going to see Motley Crue for free now? EVERY SINGLE PERSON READING THIS!
#Yay
I always said they’d be back. My redemption tour starts today. And great news...free tix for all Mötley Crüe fans!
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@realDonaldTrump
Remember, when incriminating evidence is found, a search warrant is issued so that nobody needs to BREAK INTO AN ATTORNEY'S OFFICE.
#AndReferringToPeopleAsRatsIsSomethingCrookedPeopleDo
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Good lord.
Just sat on the toilet for a few minutes without my phone.
It was terrifying.
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Sad. She looks so happy here.
Friends say Donald Trump Jr. and his wife Vanessa are headed for divorce
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If Coachella cancels over Coronavirus, some hard questions will have to be asked about why they were ok with the herpes outbreak there last year.
#NotAJoke
#GoogleIt
#NobodyCaredAboutProtectionLastTime
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Well, shit.
I wish I made more of an effort to reach out to him recently.
I did try, just not hard enough.
Rest In Peace, Ed, and thank you for the surreal experience.
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It was so casually shocking and brilliant at the same time.
I can still see his ass in my head, and not because I want to.
Last week I made plans to see him when I get to St Louis next month, and when he replied "Can't wait", I counted on him to hang on for me.
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Pretty cool to be able to identify friends in the crowd shots at The Seahawks game while sitting on my couch in LA.
#Hey
#ThatGuyOwesMeMoney
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It turned into all of us talking to Jeff, and someone asked him a question that required him to get out of his seat.
And that's when we all saw it.
First, the half shirt.
Then, the HOT PANTS.
Jeff turned and showed all of us his hairy ass as he casually walked away...
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@realDonaldTrump
Good point, sir, we certainly haven't seen you say or do anything inappropriate with anyone more than a few thousand times in public.
#USA
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@Around_Seattle
@clcooper_82
Why not a surprise appearance on the
@Seahawks
snapchat today? Lotsa fun stuff today...
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Take a moment.
Stop.
Think about the good things you have. There are people who have much bigger problems than you do.
Be grateful.
#LifeIsWhatYouMakeIt
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CONGRATULATIONS to St Louis Blues team captains .
@RizzShow
on The Stanley Cup! Also BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR .
@Patrico1057
, he is definitely lighting cars on fire.
#HesTheOneWearingTheJaguarsCap
#StLouis
#StanleyCup
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Oh, Jesus.... Neil, please... Unless that box has Eddie Murphy ready to finally do his Bill Cosby impression, DO NOT OPEN THAT STUPID BOX.
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Do you have any idea how much it sucks when football is over when you're a Seattle Mariners fan?
#No
#YouDont
#BecuaseTheresOnlySevenOfUsLeftOnPlanetEarth
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I miss Robin Williams.
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IF ANYONE in Maui needs to fly out to Honolulu tomorrow or the next day, hit me up and I will buy your plane ticket (you can offer this, too, because
@SouthwestAir
is offering flights for $19 for a limited time).
#PleaseShare
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SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET, it's over, and this video wins it.
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Can somebody please take Fernando Rodney's bow and arrow and shoot him in the nuts with it?
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HOUSTON, TEXAS! I'm doing a FREE comedy show Thursday for 1st responders and anyone who's been displaced by Hurricane Harvey! Details tmrw!
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Am I crazy, or are The Seattle Mariners telling me to go fuck myself?
#NOTHINGsucksMoreThanBeingAnMsFan
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@realDonaldTrump
Weren't you the last one to confirm that you paid a porn star to bury the story about the unprotected sex you had with her? Wasn't that the definition of "Things going bad"? Help me out here....
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Damn.
Vinnie Paul would always come out to comedy shows when I performed in Dallas, and I was looking forward to having him in the front row at my first big shows in Vegas next week.
Can’t help but think of his brother Dimebag as I hear this news.
#RIP
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Another reason why Jon Stewart is a better human being.
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Back in SEATTLE!
#LetsDoThis
#NeptuneTheater
#Jan17
#YesIScheduledThisAroundTheSeahawksPlayoffs
#BecauseIHadFaith
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I can't be the only person who starts their day by turning on their computer and bracing myself for what shit show has taken place since I went to sleep, right?
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Sitting at SeaTac airport, and .
@DuffMcKagan
just made an announcement on the PA here. I wanna believe that he's here at the airport doing it live, and is about to spin some tunes.
#AndHopefullySomeOneLiners
#ThisBoardingAreaCouldUseSomeMoreEnergy
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COMING SOON... Awkward moments with Foo Fighters, Disturbed, System of a Down, The Struts, BRING ME THE HORIZON, Papa Roach and a real life Ghost....
#Ghost
#TobiasForge
#SonicTemple
#AwkwardMoments
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God Bless this man.
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@realDonaldTrump
@nytimes
Isn't that the same New York Times that you've been yelling is fake? Help me out here?
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@realDonaldTrump
Years ago, when people were kinder to each other, people known as "leaders" would acknowledge evidence against them and know when to check out.
Nowadays leaders don't acknowledge facts anymore, they just call "Fake News" on whatever they want at midnight from their toilet seat!
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How is Will Smith not being escorted out for assaulting Chris Rock?
#SeriousQuestion
#WhatADick
#Oscars
#Oscars2022
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If you get it, you get it.
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@realDonaldTrump
"Dude... Are you understanding what's been discovered about you by the people you hired?" -Everyone else in the world
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Realizing you’re a drug addict is humiliating.
But for some reason, admitting it to another person and getting help is where the line is drawn between people who get better and people who die.
I surrendered 14...
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Walking out of Chili's Antonio-Brown-Style doesn't work.
Still had to pay the bill.
#SomeBullshit
#DamnYouChickenCrisps
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Benjy Bronk just got a LOT less air time tomorrow, thanks to Eric The Actor.
#ByeForNow
#NowWellNeverSeeThatReceipt
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“Love will make you do crazy things” - Will Smith
“Thank you” - OJ Simpson
#LongLiveChrisRock
#Oscars
#Oscars2022
#WillAndChris
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@realDonaldTrump
Man, I would be really freaked out about this information if I didn't have the common sense to research it and know that it's not true. Why are you trying to scare dumb people?
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His notes were actually attempts to muzzle Norm.
The notes were regarding OJ Simpson jokes. Don didn't like the jokes.
It should be noted that one of Don's big claims to fame was creating ABC's Wide World of Sports, where he became friends with... OJ Simpson.
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@Seahawks
, you gotta retweet this, I took this photo of the front row at The Foo Fighters show in NYC tonight.
#12
http://t.co/yJgFzQp0F7
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The last time The
#Mariners
were in the playoffs, this was our catcher, Dan Wilson.
Gas was 2 cents a gallon.
#ItWasALongFuckingTimeAgo
#GoMs
#HowDoYouPlayBaseballInOctober
?
#MakesNoSense
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Just boarded a flight, and the guy sitting next to me is quietly telling someone on his phone to fuck themselves.
I. Want. To get. Involved.
SO badly.
#Drama
#LoveIt
#GossipyLittleBitch
10
1
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@realDonaldTrump
To American President Trumparoni: NEVER, EVER HAS ANYONE WHO CAPITALIZED THEIR WORDS EVER BEEN TAKEN MORE SERIOUSLY AS A RESULT. FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE FELT LIKE THE ONLY WAY TO BE HEARD IS TO MAKE THEIR LETTERS. BIGGER AND IT COMES FROM A PLACE THAT'S DEMENTED. BE CAUTIOUS!
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Don would fax over notes saying it was enough with the OJ jokes, and that they should back off.
Norm, as it was explained to me, would simply drop those faxes into the garbage.
And he didn't stop doing OJ jokes, despite a big NBC executive having an issue with it.
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