captain depression
@cpt_depression_
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Following
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Statuses
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I’m interested in humour, architecture, chess, black holes, sports, video games and most things in between. Spur Ambassador.
Durban, South Africa
Joined August 2020
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Pinned Tweet
Sorry I’m late I was finding the opening side of a black refuse bag
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People knocking DA and Steenhuisen for trying to organise a march. PLEASE do something then. Anything. At this point if fucking Carl Niehaus organised a march I would join. Remember to charge your phone in the 3 hours you have power. Fuck you.
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Please explain it to me like I’m a big manchild, how did Jacob Zuma travel to another continent without a valid passport?
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Zebra crossings in South Africa are purely decorative
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Gift of the Givers implies the existence of Takings of the Takers or as we call them “honourable members”
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When I was a kid I thought piranhas would be a much bigger problem in my life. And quick sand.
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Do people who get up at 5am know that they don’t have to tell anyone?
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After what happened to the Eskom CEO I thought I was also poisoned this morning but it was just ricoffi.
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Jeffreys Bay, South Africa 🇿🇦 ❤️ 📌 what a beautiful country
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Everyone who needs to wake the fuck up needs to see this
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Sorry I’m late I was trying to find the opening side of a really flat black refuse bag
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The beautiful Van Reenen’s Pass on the N3, KZN, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌
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The Dutch Reformed Klipkerk in Bloemfontein, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌 ❤️
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Tomorrow sport news: Wayne Barnes causes New Zealand cricket team to lose to a boring, all batting Proteas side who is ruining cricket .
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My sister has to make a testimonial/motivation video and this was her first attempt,
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Somewhere near Bethlehem, Free State, an old school rotary landline rings loudly and echoes through the farmhouse.
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My wife and I started dating when we were 17. I still get a tight chest when I think about her.
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Just arrived at Buckingham Palace with John Steenhuizen to check on everything
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Hartenbos beachfront, Western Cape, South Africa❤️🇿🇦📌
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Groot Kerk - Dutch Reformed Church in Graaff-Reinet, Eastern Cape, South Africa 🇿🇦 📍 ❤️
#StrongerTogether
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Kid is 13 weeks old and still alive so we can tell people officially
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My stepdad has a disease so rare it was on an episode of House M.D once. Basically his immune system attacks his small blood vessels. He is a HUGE risk when it comes to covid and he got it a couple of days ago. It’s his birthday today, and he is okay, because he got vaccinated.
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The majestic Black Bear, found only in Knysna Forest, South Africa 🇿🇦 we truly have wonderful nature
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Just a disclaimer, maybe a bit prem, but regardless of what happens for the rest of the world cup, Rassie Erasmus is a national treasure and every single person involved at the Springboks from support staff to superstars like Cheslin deserve our unrelenting loyalty and gratitude
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I’m that insufferable guy in traffic that blocks people from overtaking a traffic jam via the emergency lane
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Hired a gen z the other day, you know, giving back to the community and stuff. Turns out they assumed it was remote work. The job was painting a wall. Anyways I’ve been handed over to the CCMA.
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Our little boy, Beau, arrived 17:15 today. Healthy and beautiful. Trash, big ol penis. May the odds be ever in your favour my boy.
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If anyone is interested, John Steenhuisen and I will be at Pavilion Mall in Westville, Durban, for the ribbon cutting and unveiling of the new hand dryer in the mens bathroom.
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Vote for me on election day and I will bring back MTN Gladiators
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Clarens, nestled in the Eastern Free State, South Africa 🇿🇦 📍 ❤️
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Me: good morning
The Kiffness; here’s a Marikana Massacre parody
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I’m quickly doing my budget and I wanted to ask if there are any cheaper alternatives to food?
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Received an application from a candidate architect with a Masters but the email was written in calibri 10 and not 11 so we’re tracking him down to stab his eyes out.
We received a job application today from someone who has a sports science undergrad, and a Masters from one of SA's top universities. The candidates mom sent the mail. What the actual fuck. If you're making your mom send your application, we're not even considering you.
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I CHOOSE to not have brakes on my car. It’s my car. My choice. No brakes.
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John Steenhuisen and I just arrived at Menlo Park in California, Whatsapp Headquarters , to check things out and see if we can help. Will keep everyone updated.
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Port Shepstone, KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌
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@MichaelNorris61
@neiltyson
Oh yeah, if a mistake is made abandon all science and reason. That’s how we landed on the moon they got everything right the first time they tried it. Fantastic
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Hatfield Square, Pretoria, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌 ❤️
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3 years ago I was in a bad spot financially and mentally, but I worked extremely hard and today it’s pretty much the same.
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My other baby sister lost 20kgs. I’m posting this with her permission ❤️
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Ladybrand in winter, Free State, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌 ❤️
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Broke my previous record of 31 years without running the comrades today
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Pretoria, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌, what a beautiful city at night
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Anyone have any idea how to improve your mental health without drugs, sex, alcohol, fast food, chillies, exercise or meditation?
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Nelson Mandela Drive, Bloemfontein, Free State, South Africa 🇿🇦 ❤️ 📌
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Came back to the office this morning to find every single item wrapped up in paper, even my pens
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If twitter goes down, which looks highly probable, how will white people in cape town change the world?
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I’m at a pick n pay at 8 in the morning with my toddler who woke up at 4 and I’m just standing here staring at the condoms
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Hear me out…if you don’t smoke at work, you get two extra days leave a year.
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Wife and I protesting by drinking beer instead of working
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It’s only seasonal depression if it comes from the depression region in France otherwise it’s sparkling sadness
Please refrain from calling it "seasonal depression" unless it originates from a long history of protracted periods of low mood/energy.
Otherwise it is known as "refreshing melancholy".
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Eskom ltd. Pty. msp.: NO LOADSHEDDING until 13:42 tomorrow and then stage 2 until Friday and then stage 4 for 4 minutes and then stage 1 until 6 minutes after four on Friday and then stage 8 until 2023 and then stage 2. Until further notice.
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Hired a boomer in January, you know, giving back to the community etc. Anyway, he hasn’t left the office once. He died of natural causes at his desk grinding. Super proud of him and condolences to his family.
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Miley Cyrus implies the existence of Kilometey Cyrus
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Let the 70 ANC PM’s losing their jobs now go into a reality tv show where they compete to win 1 seat back. Survivor SA - Politician Edition
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Just a reminder, it’s only depression if it’s from the Depressionne region in France otherwise it’s just sparkling sadness
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Clarens, Eastern Free State, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌
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Someone tweeted “name one thing that runs efficiently in South Africa” and I replied ‘Caster Semenya’
what’s the dumbest reason someone on the internet got mad at you?
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People please, for the love of Bongi, don’t engage with the sour grapes on this app. They have 4 years to figure out who’s fault it was that the Springboks are the greatest.
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4 years ago I married the coolest person on the planet.
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When I was a kid we had an old fucked up mazda that broke down when it was being stolen. So we pushed it back into our yard the next morning. and every night for a week someone would come to steal it and get it further and further down the road.
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These hand sanitiser dispensers on the planes are sealed. I’m tired of these covid regulations.
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We’re looking for a vibrant, reliable junior design architect younger than 24 with 12 years of office experience, their own transport and the ability to not sleep. Non paid at the moment but with exciting parking options.
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John Steenhuisen and I have been called back to Twitter HQ urgently to see if we can help out with the situation. Will keep you updated.. at the airport now
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Was called a “fat boy in a cheap suit” yesterday on this app. Well sir, I’ll let you know that it’s actually “morbidly obese man in a borrowed suit” so there. Suck on them apples.
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The elusive rock hyraxes, or "Dassies", seen here swimming peacefully in their natural habitat near Welkom, Free State, South Africa 🇿🇦❤️
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I’m still, for real, flabbergasted that Eskom tweeted with their chest that we had 18 days of electricity before shedding again on the 1st of fucken January 2024. Like, that’s how low the bar is. Absolute clueless losers the lot.
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My ouma (80) accidentally set het whatsapp status last night, it’s just a blurry video of her room and her going “nee fok tog” in the background 😂💀
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My dad was one of the best people I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. He was a present, loving and kind father. A brilliant doctor. Wickedly funny. He was my person. ❤️
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Durban we simply can’t anymore. Please can the army come clear these taxis. It’s basically the mafia
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My stepdad built our kid a toy chest from scratch with interactive thingamabobs on all the sides and filled it with toys. Tears were shed.
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The last conversation I had with my dad in hospital, he asked “where am I?” And I said he was in The Holiday Inn, and he said it looked like a crappy holiday inn (he was in ICU). We laughed.
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Maselspoort Resort and Conference Centre, just outside Bloemfontein, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌 ❤️
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Fuck I hate the people that run this country so, so much.
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Is there really anything better than kitchen paper towels if you think about it?
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Greenmarket Square, Cape Town, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌 ❤️
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Trying Cyril’s approach and telling my clients to stop moaning and just draw the buildings themselves. Going to brunch now and then I’m going to go buy a Mercedes on credit.
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You think a flag ad has you upset wait till stage 12 loadshedding returns and your overdraft limit doesn’t cover your rent anymore.
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We went for breakfast at 7 this morning because baby was up at 5 obviously. At the breakfast place there was one other group, they pitched up after clubbing. They ordered tequila and beer. I saw the full circle of my decisions.
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Hear me out, a samoosa filled with salt & vinegar slaptjips
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Loch Logan Waterfront, Bloemfontein, South Africa 🇿🇦 📌 ❤️. I was born here in the actual lake.
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I think I have anxiety, ADHD, body dysmorphia, depression, ocd and severe anger management issues but I was also born in the 90’s and afrikaans so I’m actually fine. It’s nothing.
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We should make politicians queue at Home Affairs
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Merry Christmas friends. Be safe.
Sincerely, captain depression
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John Steenhuisen and I are aware of the FNB logo problem, we're on site to check things out and we have proposed a new logo below.
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@minnie_p1
Yes I remember when my oupa groetjie arrived in cape town with a private jet and a security team who escorted him via blue light brigade to the top of the mountain where they laid a table
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Gonna quickly register my child’s birth at home affairs. Should be an in-and-out, uncomplicated and efficient process.
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People who set their Whatsapp to not show a blue tick when they read a message think they’re better than everyone else
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Monday the 13th is way more ominous than Friday the 13th.
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Tell me you live in SA without telling me you live in SA. Our cars need to be roadworthy but our roads aren’t carworthy
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In a parallel universe parallel parking is just called parking
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