SpacedMom
@copymama
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Writer of freelance copy. Cultivator of small humans. Documenter of absurdity. / Header by the talented @mommy_cusses
The land of caw-fee and dawgs
Joined May 2009
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Pinned Tweet
A lot of parenting is just asking yourself, “Was I this much of a little shit when I was a kid?”
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My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
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Hate when you send a work email and feel relived to put the ball in someone else’s court but then they write back like 10 minutes later and you’re like GODDAMMIT
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Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
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I’m convinced no one actually has a place to wear any of the fancy sparkly outfits that fashion brands promote for New Year’s Eve and it’s all just a lie being pushed by Big Sequin
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Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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My 14yo asked me to get her ice cream “as a reward for existing,” and honestly? Valid.
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Newlyweds: “I love resting my head on your chest and hearing your heart beat as I drift off to sleep.”
Married 15 years: “I recorded you snoring so you can hear how fucking loud it is.”
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A 5th grader at my daughter’s school is making his own animated series and hiring kids to do voices for it and holding Zoom auditions and my daughter missed her audition and was freaking out like "I really need this job!!!" and emailed the kid to reschedule and I am RIVETED
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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When school ended I was like "YES, no more making lunches for my kids!" and then they were like "we still need you to feed us lunch every day" and I was like WTF
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At the beach and my husband has made friends with the family next to us so now I have to file for divorce
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My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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A truck is here to cut a giant tree down in my neighbor’s yard, so now my husband has to cancel all his plans and stand by the window for the next 2 hours.
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My 10yo asked what the point of a phonebook was and as I explained it the room transformed into a prehistoric scene and a pterodactyl flew overhead.
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
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My husband thinks he can just add random items to my junk drawer and I’m like HELLO THERE IS AN APPROVAL PROCESS
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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Shout out the person at a social event who’s the first to say they’re going home and breaks the seal for the rest of the guests to be like, “Guess we’ll head out too”
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I’m tired of hearing new moms always say their baby is “such a good baby.” Just once, I wanna hear a mom be like, “Yeah, no, my baby’s a real dick.”
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My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
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9yo, after giving my husband a heartfelt handmade Father's Day card: "They made us do that for school, that wasn't my idea."
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Imagine having your shit together enough to actually take things out of the freezer early enough that they have time to defrost.
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Dear school: I have the energy to put effort into a costume for my kid once a year and that's October 31st. So stop asking me to dress her up as an old person, a book character, her future career, or anything else. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
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My Kids’ Top 5 Favorite Thanksgiving Dishes:
1. Half a dinner roll
2.
3.
4.
5.
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A guy is coming to repair the dryer today. His arrival window is sometime between 9am this morning and my 12yo’s college graduation.
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Having kids is wild, you get to watch miniature versions of yourself gradually become cooler while you become progressively less cool
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I’m no couples therapist, but I know the secret to a strong marriage is gossiping about how various friends and family can possibly afford things on their income.
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Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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I heard my 8yo cursing on a group call with her friends, so I made her get off, sat her down on the bed, put my arm around her, and said “What the fuck was that?”
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Me watching a movie where the characters are involved in long action sequences: When’s the last time these people ate?
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[Making macaroni and cheese]
5yo: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you VERY carefully pour this in?
5yo: *Just fucking waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding*
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
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When my sweet baby daughter said "mama" for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she'd be calling me "bro" on a regular basis.
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Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
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I love kids because they will straight up sit and read a book while wearing a zebra mask like it’s just another day at the office.
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They should add “hair looked weird” to the list of acceptable tardy excuses for high school girls.
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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So as it turns out, teaching your kids how to lose that game of Candy Land gracefully was a much more important lesson than you probably realized at the time.
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The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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Fact: Moms yelling out "careful!" have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
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I hate when I’m halfway through typing a long word and I know I’ve strayed too far but I just keep typing random letters hoping auto-correct will save me and it’s just like, “comtkivsref? nah, bitch, you’re on your own”
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Parents be like, “Here’s something from your childhood we found in our house, we thought you’d like to have it for sentimental value*”
*Because we want it to clutter up your house instead of ours now
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My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
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Olympic skateboarding commentators be like “There’s the slippery salmon into a snickerdoodle flip, then a perfect goblin grind and just LOOK at that beautiful 360 didgeridoo”
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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No one has more energy than a kid 30 minutes after you’ve called the school to say they’ll be out sick.
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A moment of silence for all of our selves from a year ago who knew nothing of toilet paper shortages, drive-by birthdays, and virtual school.
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
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My mom was using talk-to-text to message me about bringing donuts to her house and at the same time my dad was reading her an article about the effects the Supersize Me guy got from eating only McDonald’s
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My 9yo said “Raking is good because it’s like scratching the Earth’s back,” and this is basically one of the top 5 reasons I had kids.
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[David Attenborough voice]
After wearing it for their entire childhood, the human teenager must shed their coat and bear even the harshest cold in order to prove their strength and attract a mate. In fact, wearing a coat is seen as a sign of weakness amongst their herd.
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I asked my kids to make birthday cards for my husband. One drew a giant 48 when he’s only turning 43 and the other drew a tombstone-shaped cake that said “R.I.P.” so these should go over well.
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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Hmmm, I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off of something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.
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On a scale of one-to-seeing-your-husband-napping, how annoyed are you?
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My daughters are playing Barbies and one of them just said "Ken is wearing a Speedo to the wedding," and that's a wedding I need to attend.
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Friend: Do you think I’m ready for kids?
Me: Can you forcefully rip an iPad out of someone’s hands?
F: Why would I d—
M: Not ready.
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He emailed back and was like “I have another audition at 6, can you do 6:15?” I’M DYING
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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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You're going to your parents' house today. How will you spend your visit?
A: Fixing their digital frame
B: Explaining how to paste links into emails
C: Helping them log into HBO Max
D: Showing them how to take their phone camera off “live mode"
E: Getting their printer to work
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Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
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Has your husband snapped his fingers at you to keep your voice down while he was on a work call? Then you might be eligible for Divorce™
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My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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Doctor’s offices need those portable buzzers so instead of sitting in the waiting room forever you can leave and get buzzed when they’re ready for you like a medical Cheesecake Factory
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Have you ever had a single sock in your drawer, then finally found its mate weeks later and reunited the pair? What a RUSH, man.
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Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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If nuclear physicists don’t wake up their kids by saying “Up and atom,” then this world is bullshit.
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BREAKING NEWS: She asked if he could do it right now so they got on a call and she auditioned for the part of a hedgehog, which she was told should have the voice of a nasally first-grader. He said she did well and he'll let her know! 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
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Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
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Ok I just found out he sent her character notes before the audition: “He’s 6-years-old and a four-toed hedgehog. He is a cheerful, kind, and energetic child who sometimes exaggerates things past the limit. He is very sarcastic and has a slight lisp.” SOMEONE HIRE THIS KID
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9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
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72% of parenting is just picturing your child not being able to cut their own food on a date at the age of 23.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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Anyone notice that pre-quarantine you could do so much more? Like in one day I could work, grocery shop, do laundry, take my kids to after-school activities, help them with homework, cook dinner, and clean. Now I'm like, "I have to wash 2 pots today?? IT'S TOO MUCH"
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Watching my children sleep: Look at their sweet, peaceful faces, I love them so much
Watching my husband sleep: This motherfucker doesn't have a care in the world, must be nice
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My resistance workout is just pushing a cart with a severe right swerve through the grocery store for an hour.
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I don’t know how many of the details my kids will remember from their childhood, but I hang their coats on hooks that are a couple feet above the radiator so they’re always extra-warm when they put them on, and I hope they remember that.
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My whole family got in the car to go somewhere, and my husband plugged his phone into the car system and noticed a text I’d sent him earlier that he hadn’t read, so he had Siri read it and her robotic voice filled the car asking, “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?”
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Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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Welcome to parenthood. Please choose where you'd like your child's acorn collection to be located:
A. On your living room floor
B. Buried in their bedsheets
C. In your bathtub
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“Wait, the video is almost over!” - any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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My husband’s version of helping out with the kids is yelling “COME ON, GUYS!” from the couch.
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There’s something so satisfying about strapping your kid into their car seat as they’re blabbing some story, then slamming the door on them mid-sentence.
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Sometimes I look at my beautiful 9yo daughter, gazing in awe at this complex creature I created with my own body, and wonder: “How the fuck is she still alive on a diet of bread and fruit snacks?”
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
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Introducing your kid to a show or movie you love and seeing that they’re engrossed when you side-eye them during a good scene is the best.
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I just met my daughter's friend's mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, "Hi, I'm Olivia's mom, you've probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls."
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I keep all the tape in my house hidden inside an ice bucket in my dining room cabinet, and that’s pretty much all you need to know about having kids.
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Interviewer: So why should we hire you as a CIA interrogator?
Me: I once got my kid to tell me about her school day.
Interviewer, shouting to secretary: Cancel all the other interviews, Janet!
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[Logs onto Facebook]
Oh, Danielle threw her daughter a Pinterest-perfect birthday party, Jen did a sunrise yoga workout, and Kristin is on a Caribbean cruise. UGH.
[Logs onto Twitter]
Oh,
@hotmessmom456
just cleaned her kid’s shit off the floor in 3-day-old sweatpants. NICE.
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An ad for birth control that's just me sitting on the kitchen floor emptying the trash piece by piece searching for my daughter's lost retainer.
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