Megan THEE donkey
@cmontaefuck
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perpetual dafty and disco winch extraordinaire. glesga gal kickin aboot NZ furra laugh.
Queenstown-Lakes District, New Zealand
Joined May 2010
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Sexting with a dyslexic is really stressing me out. He just spelt neck with a K. Kneck.
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doesny 👏🏼 matter 👏🏼 how 👏🏼 much 👏🏼 sanitary 👏🏼 products 👏🏼 cost 👏🏼 we 👏🏼 shouldny 👏🏼 be 👏🏼 payin 👏🏼 for 👏🏼 them 👏🏼 in 👏🏼 public 👏🏼 places 👏🏼 same 👏🏼 way 👏🏼 toilet 👏🏼 roll 👏🏼 is 👏🏼 readily 👏🏼 available 👏🏼 free 👏🏼 of 👏🏼 charge 👏🏼
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International Wummins Day. We might be paid less, we might never orgasm, we might all experience some level of sexual harassment, we may never be allowed to tan pints in peace, but my god, am a proud to be a big fat lassie 🤟🏽up the chicks x
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Scotland getting to the euros is like me making it past 12 on a night out, no one knows how I’ve made it here, everyone wants me to do well, but it is guaranteed that I’m going to absolutely fuck it
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Girls are mental. The minute a boy geez them attention they’re decidin if their surname would suit them if they got married. Deciding what to wear on the date they’ve yet to be asked on. Tellin their pals with boyfriends a double date is on the horizon. It’s me. I am girls.
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Had the worst sex ever last night if I get pregnant from that I’ll set myself on fire
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My granda (devout Catholic) lives next to a lovely wee family who are Muslim and they’ve been absolutely crackin to him since my grandma died like checking in on him all the time, taking him to the airport etc and they popped in yesterday and invited him to come to the mosque...
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I remember this day so well. My mum bought me this book during my hardest days. We were sitting in the garden in the sun eating grapes and I burst into tears when I read this. Someone needs to see this right now. For me, this was a turning point.
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To join them in prayer and then after sunset he went to a wee hall with them all to break fast and they done a wee Q&A session for the non-Muslims so they could ask about Ramadan etc! My wee grandad loved it and I’m just off the phone to him all buzzing that he’s made new pals!!
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Sleeping is good because:
- u don’t think about ur real life
- u don’t eat when u sleep so u lose weight
- free
- passes time
- u don’t need friends for it
- u don’t have to get ready for it
- u can use it as an excuse not to talk to people
- u can dream ur crush likes u back
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worryin aboot coursework worryin aboot money worryin aboot ma body worryin aboot work worryin aboot the future worryin aboot the world
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A got called a dirty Brit aff an Irish guy durin sex on Sunday n a canny stop thinkin aboot it
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Since my dads been working away he’s been makin mare dough n ma maws now been dain food shopping in M&S. at first a wis disgusted n felt like a class traitor but now I’ve had a taste of the high life I’m well n truly never gawn back
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Canny believe last week a had 6 boyfriends n now a have...none it’s so funny how life works sometimes xx
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Emdy else put the first digit wrong oan a phone passcode n just fire in 3 random wans tae clear it instead of movin yer thumb tae delete it?
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On this day a year ago ma bf took two tabs of acid, won £800 on an online casino and booked me a holiday to Italy
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Yeah sex is cool but have you ever worked in a rangers pub when Motherwell equalise in the last minute
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£105,000 per missile and £35,000 per hour to run the plane that drops it, yet it's the refugees fault we can't help our homeless?
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A canny even begin to verbalise the undue stress these things cause me
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Omg a gym in town is running a 8 week bootcamp and the person who loses the most body fat wins a trip to Bali how smart is that man!! Motivation and a half
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How sexy is no wearin mascara n bein able tae rub yer wee eyes lit fuck anytime, anywhere, anyhow
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Almost a year of a pandemic which has affected the poorest in society, small business owners and people’s mental health the hardest and people think voting conservative is a good idea
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March this year I had a complete mental breakdown, things were the worst they’d ever been + I was so close to ending it all. Fast forward 9 months and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, travelling the world alone + thankful I am alive every day. Keep haudin’ oan.
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A firmly believe that the absence ae suicidal thoughts since a went travelling is nothing to do with travelling and everything to do with no havin tae deal wae Scotrail
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Ah of course! Leaving vulnerable people unable to get themselves home safely after a night out, corporate social responsibility at its best
Uber will soon know if you’re drunk and could refuse to pick you up
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The amount of kasabian fans ragin they’ve asked Tom Meighan to leave the band is absurd to me. Shows that domestic violence is rarely taken seriously, especially when it’s someone famous. Boke.
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Mental how people go oot their way to be nasty n horrible to me when everyone knows what an absolute tank a am n could kick fuck out actual embdy
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A boys just slid inty ma DM’s asking if I think Johnny Hayes has carpet or laminate flooring in his gaff
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This Chinese girl that lives in the building I work in pure storms inty ma office this morning like “I had this yesterday at uni and i need to know what it is and how I can get one again it was the best thing I’ve ever ate” and shows me a picture of a croissant on her phone
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when yer maw buys ye pants wae minnie mouse oan them n yer like a want ma hole no a bedtime story
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Was talking to ma maw there about her wedding, turns oot her and ma da didn’t get engaged, just booked a pub n got married there, maw borrowed her wedding dress aff the woman in the flat below her n they were too mwi to remember what song their first dance was to. Romance.
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I know for a fact I’m better than putting makeup on at 2.30am after receiving a text saying “you wantin pumped?” aff a boy whos no spoke to me 2 month but a)am homesick n that patter is funny n b)a most certainly do come on over brother HH
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I’m so bad with boys one time when I was in high school a boy asked me over to his bit because his ‘mum and dad were away 😈’ and I ended up gettin so nervous when I got there that I sat n played him at fifa all night instead hahahahaha
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Always wonder why am so dramatic then a remember ma maw set a bus on fire cos cunts were bullyin her brother for bein Irish n gay in the 70’s
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Am vegan but this is first class patter and should be acknowledged as such
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The sole reason I am an unbelievable pool player is the reality that I was so disgusted by my own body between the ages of 8 and 13 that I wouldn’t go swimming on holiday and would instead tan rapid Fanta lemons and play pool wae German boys
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Not having a full time job isn’t as bad as I thought it would be! In the last week I have smoked 200 cigarettes, had fish fingers for breakfast 3 times and between periods of quite violent crying I have gotten deep into alien conspiracies online
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This is heavy important. Come downs should always be spent in the company of pals. Most of the times I’ve thought about suicide have been during big comedowns spent alone after a mad yin.
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We Should Start Calling Chicken Drumsticks Chicken Maracas Like If You Agree
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Got in a conversation wae a bunch of local mums today about the lack of baby changing tables in restaurants and bars around town and didn’t have the heart admit the only reason I was aware of the issue wis because of the amounts ae female toilets av done lines in
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Everycunt knows a lassie like Taylor swift that acts like she doesny study fur exams n gits an A n also shags everycunt n denys it
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I was havin sex earlier and in the seconds before I reached orgasm I was thinking about spicy onions fae the Indian n am no feart to admit that
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Can lassies at least enjoy the basic primitive pleasure of sex wioot bein stigmatised n looked doon aff stupit wee cows? Apparently not. Liberate yersel hen
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A guy walks inty a fishmongers wae a salmon under his arm, says "do u do fishcakes?" "Aye"
*points tae salmon* "good cos it's his birthday"
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A wis pullin a boy at arctic monkeys last night and a wanty go out wae him dunno his name but he’s from Livingston and he had brown hair. Twitter do your thing.
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Just added me on Facebook!!!!!!!!!!!
A wis pullin a boy at arctic monkeys last night and a wanty go out wae him dunno his name but he’s from Livingston and he had brown hair. Twitter do your thing.
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Honestly wae the amount ae times a got skelped in the napper wae one ae these big soggy bad boys nae wonder am perpetually drunk. Humiliating and sare.
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Told a boy a liked him last night and he replied, and I quote, “sounds like a you problem” 🤠🤠 YEEEE HA
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It doesn't even matter what happens today because Greggs are opening drive thrus now
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While you’re here have a wee look at what my best friend is raising money for: any donations, big or small, are welcomed. Thank you! 🙏🏼
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Fast forward to today, I’ve been living in New Zealand for almost a year and a half, done stand up for 9 months, been nominated for best newcomer in NZ and tonight I am running an entirely sold out 120 ticketed stand up show by myself. Life is a fucking ride.
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How can you be a ‘Women’s Activist’ if you can’t respect sex workers and their ability to you know...enjoy their work?
Glasgow could become the first city in Scotland to ban lap dancing clubs. Do you think there should be stricter legislation?
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I’m the hardest working person I know and I’ve had to take multiple days off because I’ve been so depressed. Lucky I’ve had understanding bosses or I’d be absolutely fucked for a job. People don’t understand how traumatising it is to work when being suicidal.
It still baffles me that “never had a day off sick” is used as a mark of commitment in workplaces. Congratulations on your good health and robust immune system but it doesn’t make you a better employee than someone who hasn’t been so fortunate
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Ma e-mail signature says:
Best wishes,
Megan Cartwright
N let me tell ye a wee secret. Sometimes am no wishin ye the best. Am wishin u a pish day fullae wee inconveniences because you’ve been fuckin cheeky n it’s no on. But a canny be arsed changing it.
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Taking pictures in Auschwitz is so disrespectful
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@_RJ1872
I agree Robbie but just referring to the whole “don’t see me asking for razors in the men’s room” patter! Think they forget sanitary products are a basic and unoptional hygiene need, like toilet paper, and not like razors. Lots of idiots on here today sadly 😕
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A customer asked me on a date when I was behind the bar last night and when I politely declined his reaction was “well I’ve got a mrs anyway and she’s better looking than you” 😂😂😂😭😭😭
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Doctors just phoned to say my treatment has worked successfully and I’m officially discharged from hospital and don’t need risky surgery. Fuckin over the moon and can finally put this nightmare ae a time behind me!! Onwards n bloody upwards ✨💫 hwfg lads!!!
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Rich fae a big stinkin flute shaggin spicy hun
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Me when I’ve been dishin oot slaggins for hours and someone finally decides to retaliate
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when burds ma age purposely get their Louis Vuitton bag, MK watch n Hermes belt in the one pic they might as well caption it "a shag ma da"
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Fuckin no one should have this much money. This is full oan disgustin. Embarrassing.
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That’s me arrived in New Zealand safe n sound without losin anything. It’s 6.12am on Tuesday 13th of November here. I’m ahead of you in every way possible, including time. I am now more powerful than ever.
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Update: random guy dropped off a bag and didn’t even charge me for it :))))) wits gan on
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Offers in boysies
Men have better sex with women who are emotionally unstable, a study has revealed
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Another Sunday has now passed that hasn’t involved me getting picked up by a boy n taken for an ice blast who the fuck do yous think you are
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