CLAUDIA MORALES
@CLAUDIAPOSTING
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armed with every precious failure
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on the day before the day before the first anniversary of ryan being killed, i stopped trying to pass for whole and put together little shards of the last year ❤️🔥
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people are constantly tell me i “walk sooo fast” is it illegal to be a girl with powerful legs and a sense of urgency in this life
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i love saying "famously" about events that two to five people were present for
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asked the two 40-something-yr-old men in front of me at madison square garden if they were going to talk loudly through Every song + one of them was MAD + kept looking back at me + now i’m reading his texts over his shoulder + sarah just texted him “i don’t care to hear from you”
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within minutes of hanging up the phone after talking to my close friend about how grotesque and irredeemable the carceral system is i did immediately see the eric adams headline and i did immediately say out loud "let's fuckin GO" and that's on the joy of life's complexity baby
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one year ago today ryan and i went on a five-borough date — thirteen hours doing at least one activity in each borough, a bucket list item he said he had never had the right date for before me. he later told me it was the day he knew he wanted to spend his life with me.
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they're so distinct a fling revitalizes you and is gone faster than it came a situationship sucks the life out of you and often lasts so long you have arguments about whether or not you "have" an "anniversary"
“Situationship” is just the latest word for “Fling” lol but Fling is so much more accurate … Flinging feelings and bodies around . Situationship implies contracts and paperwork but bitch there’s none of that in the Wild West of the heart No matter how hard you try
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mitski doing pretty much exclusively seated venues when she tours these days is like in middle school when the tweens are so bad the teacher switches to assigned seating
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so we beat on, boys against the current, borne ceaselessly back into the town
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i sincerely hope that nobody monday morning quarterbacking the worst moments of my life ever has to find out what they actually WOULD do if their partner was killed in front of them and an edited-down video of it went viral incurring months of violent, vile harassment
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i found this note in ryan’s phone. he did, he did, he did.
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sorry but it is so truly funny that taylor swift gave a very particular but ample category of annoying people two hours to get all their "there'll never be another folklore/evermore" out before dropping a Disc 2 that seamlessly completes that trilogy
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how do you go forward from the love of your life dying when you’re 28 and all his friends and family are telling you he planned to propose within a year. how do i have a whole life after him when we were supposed to have a whole life together
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she should've titled disc 1 and disc 2 "it's so over" and "we're so back" respectively
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can anyone explain to me why the williamsburg trader joe’s is teasing reputation tv
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ryan thoresen carson died one year ago today; here are a few of the very last moments of his life; i will love you forever
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where were you when joe biden dropped out i was at my communist boyfriend’s grave
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today is ryan’s wake. thinking about how alive we were this day. thinking about how, because i bought this silly souvenir, i now have him and i telling each other “i love you” on video forever. i love you i love you i love you.
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what are yr favorite girl who is going to be okay type songs
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at karaoke i complimented this girl on the song she did & she was like "that band is divisive, a lot of people hate them" & i looked her in the eyes & said "through whimsy in your heart all things are redeemable" & she got really quiet & said "you just exonerated me from so much"
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ryan and i met in person two years ago today — we’d eventually both call it our first date, grinning any time we told people abt it. we got drinks at jimmy’s corner + saw david byrne’s american utopia + closed down the times square margaritaville. i miss him every fuckin day.
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at 29 i have so so many vibrant and rich and deep and true friendships and communities i wish i could show myself at 19-22 when i would literally lay on the floor feeling like i'd never not be alone in the world listening to the same three songs on a loop to not kill myself
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i hope you find love — romantic or not — that fills the voids clearly so agonizing inside you; i hope you find love so strong and true that it drowns out clamoring darkness even after a person is taken from you. the way ryan saw me changed me. i hope someone changes you.
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1) i'm not a don't-talk-during-shows purist it was just truly egregious 2) after sarah texted him more about why she didn't care to hear from him he sent back "okay sorry then / can i at least enjoy the show / i wouldn't do this to you" ???? ?
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few things irrevocably eradicate any trust or respect i have for a person as fast as hearing them talk about acts of friendship or community like chores or labor or burdens or heroics , like , get away from me
“care work” is like nursing, running a daycare, etc. it is not sending a text or two to another person. you’re not even in the room together! be serious! lol
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@grace_roso
“i have to be on the train for 45 minutes to go to the beach” like that isn’t a gift and a triumph lmao ???
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Hi! Thank you for your passive aggressive remark about me not responding to messages or not being available to hang out! My boyfriend was killed in front of me less than a year ago
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it is with a heavy heart that i must confirm the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
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all i feel toward the people harassing me is deep pity — behavior symptomatic of extreme loneliness, scarcity of community and connection, totally cut off from the infinite rewards of caring about + being good to people in/beyond yr life or even having those people to begin with
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receiving harassment bc of this post taking posts out of context — icing as a moment of levity after ryan’s close friends and i had a gutting one-month-mark dinner, not wanting to be explicit about ryan’s gruesome death in a stranger’s mentions, displacement framed as “traveling”
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my boyfriend followed me because of this tweet and now we are building a life together
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the day of ryan’s funeral and burial, his friends and i were still furious that eric adams — who worked and spoke against every single thing ryan fought for and believed in — had the gall to tweet this garbage using his good name, so we burned it 🫶
Ryan Carson turned his passion into purpose. He advocated tirelessly for others, and his giving spirit was a buoy to all. His murder is unthinkable, and the NYPD won't rest until we bring him to justice.
I'm praying for all who knew and loved Ryan.
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last night ryan’s college dedicated a community library to him. i read publicly for the first time in many years. ryan spent the last two years encouraging me to come out of writing retirement, and now i have. i left the
@NifMuhammad
book we bonded over loving on our first date.
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grief is humiliating what do you mean i’m crying to iris by goo goo dolls in this uber
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dress for the temperature you want not the temperature you have right now
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went to the urgent care and they did an ekg and diagnosed me with the body keeping the score
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early on with ryan before i knew we were in it forever i would say he was either going to be the worst breakup or my life or the person i married but it turns out it was a secret third thing
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two glimmers of light that have come from the right’s vile reaction to ryan’s death and the worst trauma of my life — this correspondence between my friend and a temporary troll + this other person’s comment
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muttering “365 party girl” to myself constantly is probably going to embolden me toward some truly destructive choices
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okay but it's such an insane intersection of improbabilities that the actual thing behind what people thought were the northern lights — a phenomenon people flock to iceland to experience — was in fact the light from fuckign BJÖRK
My favorite genre of tweet tonight: people who think they’re seeing the aurora in NYC but in fact are just seeing the lights from the Kosciuszko Bridge reflected in the clouds
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personally i fear i am never going to see her live not for lack of love for her music but because i am not going to pay money to hear legal adults yell " mommy "
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a gut punch but a very welcome one
Here is an interview that I was thankful to do, perhaps the most vulnerable of the interviews I’ve done in the past couple of months, which is saying a lot but is also a testament to the space Katherine created. I hope you’ll read it.
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must remember that the people taking issue with me saying "died suddenly" in a wholesome local reporter's mentions instead of jumpscaring him with gruesome murder are deeply friendless, have never been invited to a party, etc
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people being like "why doesn't she just stop being famous" about chappell is insane not just bc it betrays a fundamental coldbloodedness but also bc i still watch friends endure harassment over like niche vlogs from fifteen years ago or just publicly having a personality once
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spent yesterday with ryan’s family + visited him for the first time since we buried him + it felt like the first time, full stop + we poured out miller lites into the soil for him just like he would pour out narragansetts for his best friend
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deepest apologies to the several people visiting nearby graves for disturbing you with my loud loud burst of laughter when i rolled up to ryan’s grave and saw that someone left him a celtics championship banner but more importantly: go c’s
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six inch inseam absolute maximum you're all on notice
praying for dudes to actually commit to short shorts this summer
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ryan’s parents and i are cleaning out his apartment — which i was supposed to move into soon — and it’s breaking my fucking heart
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“you would not be posting photos calling yourself hot if you were grieving” literally i am carrying on his legacy ?
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shouldn’t have had the mbta purified water now i’m in complete disrepair
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when i am in the west village i have the distinct visceral feeling that sabrina brier could be around any and every corner
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what i have to say about chappell roan is: this time last year when the story and video of ryan being killed in front of me went viral, the people i turned to for help and guidance, the only people i knew would understand, were ones who had dealt with harassment bc of their fame
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extremely human and normal way to be
When people tell me they've gotten tickets to her concert or god forbid quote a song lyric at me i file them away into a part of my brain dedicated to people who aren't as human as me and not as capable in the business of human emotion
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@DoctorSlothe
i think talking at shows is fine if you consider those around you and read the room, both in vibe and in volume; if the dude from all the way up front could tell it was you who was talking, it was probably too quiet for the conversation you were having to the point of distraction
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with help from too many friends to name, i organized a vigil and memorial for ryan on the anniversary of his death; i tried to capture even just a glimmer of all the light he gave the world — all of it still here, brighter; more soon but i will be grateful for last night forever
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one of ryan’s closest friends who is an acclaimed tattooer is designing the group grief/memorial tattoo he’s giving a bunch of us today and he just muttered from behind his laptop “i’m just going to get a different goosebumps font; i don’t like this one; it’s pathetic”
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i (31m) died while i had custody of the switch and didn't leave my girlfriend (28f) instructions on where to find her copy of legend of zelda: tears of the kingdom. AITA?
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this tweet is becoming bigger than itself, bigger than the dazed morning dispatch to my friends, so here is some context. here is my ryan:
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half a year without ryan today
i am spending it writing on the train ride from boston to new york, a trip we took together so many times; these photos are from three of those travels, each to spend time with family and friends and the friends who we considered family; i love you
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i truly truly think that some losers flock to people like ashley and i who've lived through unthinkable tragedy and trauma in the public eye assuming it has turned us miserable and bitter and misanthropic like them and become infuriated when they find it's very much the opposite
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nine months without ryan today. these photos are from this week last year — the surprise coney island trip he took me on, the fourth of july shea summerjam at rippers. i love you, i miss you.
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i do not recommend the love of your life being killed in front of you
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in life, someone close to ryan once asked him if he was ever worried people would take the “COO of Antifa” in his twitter bio seriously and ryan responded that nobody could possibly be that stupid
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because my daily darkest moments of grief aren't available for their tourism + spank banks, they're painting me as "living it up" and "doing just fine" while i'm applying for disability leave (for which i meet every requirement) and struggling with basic tasks and cannot go home
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i have not in fact gone on any "pub crawls" and i'm being responsible about my drinking but only ryan's friends can appreciate how funny it is that these losers are like "she's going on pub crawls not grieving" ryan would be furious if i DIDN'T have some beers about him dying
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if you dislike someone you don’t have to find a reason to make it a moral crusade by doing mental gymnastics for why they should be canceled you can just keep it to yourself and go about your life and then talk about how annoying they are over margaritas i do it all the time
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three months without ryan today; a whole season, a blink, an eternity; i love you
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i have bad news for the people mad that i’m grieving while hot
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when you have a baby brain and don’t understand shock OR video editing so when you watched the viral video of the love of my life being killed in front of me it doesn’t occur to you maybe i am trying not to get KILLED so i can HELP HIM and maybe they edited out me trying cpr 👶
@CLAUDIAPOSTING
I just saw the video of you and Ryan. I saw him die and you did not do anything to help him. Why didn't you help? You are enjoying life and he's dead. All you had to do was help and he could had still been alive. Just cause you are a woman doesn't excuse you from being brave.
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The right has been spreading the lie that I did not describe Ryan’s killer to police. I spent the longest and worst hours of my life — following the moment I knelt at the love of my life’s side as he died — with police, describing the scene and the assailant over and over again.
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“advertising herself to prospective suitors” lmao i am just existing
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fellas is it caring about disabled people to demonize a literally dying man getting married to the love of his life surrounded by their friends and family in literally his final days with ample precautions and to harass his widow living with disabling impacts of that trauma ?
@offbeatorbit
@NightPunks
You had at least fifteen people unmasked in your apartment. You did the same thing most NYC people: not give a shit about spreading COVID between each other & to others in the community. You don’t care. Stop pretending you do. Hope that helps!
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i guess nothing prepares you for checking your phone while you’re at your dead boyfriend’s grave and then turning to his headstone and saying “it’s joever” either
in case you were wondering nothing prepares you for driving by where your boyfriend is buried after seeing his favorite hardcore band from sidestage with his best friends
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ryan and i at his new year’s eve party one year ago tonight; we were so excited for another year by each other’s side — we talked so much about how we’d spend it building the life we were going to spend together; i can’t even begin to make sense of entering a year without him
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the dnc surprise guest thing is kind of like in fourth grade when they advertised a "special guest" for the halloween party and for some reason i convinced myself and the rest of the class the special guest was r.l. stine but in fact it was just ms. castillo in a witch costume
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going to start referring to the lies being circulated about me as fanfiction
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on a near daily basis i have to remember that my reality is far-less-than-once-in-a-lifetime traumatic tragedy and it's a miracle i am still even upright much less kind of decent with it and it's okay if i like get takeout or am mildly unpleasant or whatever
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every day i receive texts like this seconds apart from each other
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sorry i am posting so much lately it is because i have a darkness in me
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it is fuck kathy hochul forever 👍
MTA nixes elevators at NYC subway station where woman died carrying stroller on stairs
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the only slot my psychiatrist has available next week is 4:20 on valentine's day and if that's not ryan fucking with me from the afterlife i don't know what is
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