Chris Locke
@chrislockeworld
Followers
9,971
Following
919
Media
2,485
Statuses
22,728
Comedian PODCASTS: Evil Men. Happy Good
Toronto
Joined August 2014
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Hobi
• 190751 Tweets
Tuchel
• 185749 Tweets
FY RECAP BLANK SS2EP4
• 134084 Tweets
#BlankReactSS2Ep4
• 130275 Tweets
カズラドロップ
• 62812 Tweets
#ولي_العهد
• 57449 Tweets
HAPPY TRACKLIST
• 53244 Tweets
LINGLING MYCHERIE AMOUR EP8
• 49836 Tweets
バーニス
• 41073 Tweets
#محمد_بن_سلمان
• 38581 Tweets
BINI PENSHOPPE ICON
• 28234 Tweets
ジェロニモ
• 24629 Tweets
ZETA
• 24552 Tweets
ソフトバンク
• 22702 Tweets
ホークス
• 19169 Tweets
$STORM
• 17161 Tweets
カノウさん
• 17126 Tweets
Orengo
• 13853 Tweets
ベイスターズ
• 13726 Tweets
色違いメロエッタ
• 11924 Tweets
#全領域異常解決室
• 10447 Tweets
オベロン
• 10237 Tweets
ソフト図鑑
• 10080 Tweets
I "get" Jazz now. The saxophone is telling me to do stuff
47
2K
17K
THINGS TO SAY AT A PARTY:
1. Sorry but what's your dumb ass name again?
9
919
14K
The Blob (1958) is still relevant today. A blob from outer space might come and get us
44
978
7K
LINUS: What's wrong Charlie Brown?
CHARLIE BROWN: I'm fucked. I'm fucking sad and I just feel so fucked.
8
716
4K
EVEN WITH ALL OF THE WARNINGS I STILL SEE PEOPLE IN ALLEYWAYS SHARING SPAGHETTI LIKE LADY AND THE TRAMP!
8
436
4K
Help I’m in Canada! I’m not free! There’s no freedom here! I’m in a cage and they’re experimenting on me!! JK I’m smoking a fat joint on the sidewalk
2
192
3K
DAUGHTERS: Daddy can you play Dua Lipa?
ME: Sorry no we have to listen to My Name Is Mud by Primus right now
8
181
2K
I am Batman’s uncle. I live in one room in Wayne Manor. I smoke and drink beer and listen to Led Zeppelin day and night. Alfred hates me but Batman says “he’s my uncle what do you want me to do?”
10
156
2K
February is the November of the other side of the year
15
93
2K
Canadians who move to America VS Americans who move to Canada
8
68
2K
One thing I miss about going out in Toronto is wandering into a restaurant that’s a front for crime, ordering food, and watching them go “oh shit! Uh… food! Right right…” They panic and try to whip something up for me
57
74
1K
What tattoos should I get? I don't have any right now but I think I might get like 50 - 100 tattoos
25
52
1K
AGENT: Roy what if you wear sunglasses for the rest of your life?
ROY ORBISON: … Sure
22
56
1K
My parents fixed my old Oscar The Grouch with duct tape
31
66
1K
When you pour the hot water into the mug and the tag on the teabag goes into the hot water too that's NOT amore
12
82
1K
Holy shit I'm in a gif throwing a pie into (the incredible) Cate Blanchett's face!
30
102
1K
This is excellent news for me because I am an idiot who is insane
1
29
1K
Twitter is like reading all of the voices Professor X can hear
5
300
1K
If we defund the police then who will taser my cat out of the tree?
6
108
994
This is the hardest time I’ve ever had. We’re raising a 5 year old and 2 1/2 year old in lockdown/quarantine. 2 1/2 year old is wild and also potty training. If you are young and carefree my advice to you right now is move to Hawaii and drink booze and surf until a shark eats you
24
37
971
I’m a bald short fat dying man with a moustache who nobody wants to meet
9
46
922
I get my news from people losing their minds on twitter
3
67
765
"What's this guy's problem?"
"Dude, that's the Incredible Hulk"
"But why's he acting that way? I've literally never heard of him"
4
71
743
Charles Dickens would walk into the barbershop and ask for the 'shit-fuck'
9
92
735
I would love to read more at night but it’s hard when you are drunk and high all the time
5
58
731
This is the funniest joke on TV in 1 million years. I think about it often. Last Man On Earth should have kept going for 500 years
15
19
742
Doctor says I can smoke and drink again cause he doesn't give a shit about me
7
54
729
GOVERNMENT: Please be safe out there. You are our slaves and we need you in working condition
1
75
715
Canada: You can literally give Canadian comedians TV shows, one off specials, late night shows just like every other country. Just do it ha ha ha. And it doesn’t even have to be the child of a celeb or a singer from the 90’s. You can see who’s killing it by going to live shows
15
39
682
If you serve your horses human flesh so they will be more fierce in battle but then you fall off your chariot and get devoured by your own horses… That’s on you
8
51
680
Go up to someone who has a ton of tattoos and say “I love all your cartoons”
3
77
657
THERAPIST: You have soul diarrhea
ME: What?
THERAPIST: I don’t know I hate being a therapist. It’s so boring
1
62
622
Do you put bath bombs in the bath while you’re in it or before you get in? I don’t want to blow my dick off
18
55
618
TORONTO REAL ESTATE: Want to live in the shittiest little rotten house, you pathetic family? Get down on your knees and beg forgiveness for ever being born. Too late. We sold the house to a white collar criminal
2
57
615
It sucks how hard I have to dance just to attract a female bird
3
32
588
Sometimes I feel like Michael Myers. Not with all the killing stuff but more the just standing there and not knowing what to say
6
46
583
DAUGHTER: Are ghosts real, daddy?
ME: I don't know I'm just as dumb as you
1
52
569
'Fuckin' shit i gotta do this shit again and everyone's an asshole'
6
82
566
Finally Justin Bieber starts actually looking like a guy from Ontario
1
11
557
No matter where you are in Toronto once you get to the Beer Store you are in Barrie, Ontario
3
34
526
TWEET: Chris Pratt sucks!
AGENT: You have an audition to be in a commercial for diarrhea medicine with Chris Pratt
ME: AWESOME! THANK YOU!
3
15
514
Bought my dad some nice imported beers and he goes “No you don’t understand. I don’t care what beer tastes like”
12
14
511
NETFLIX: Chris, we recommend a movie that did very poorly in 2016
2
34
483
Ordering a pizza from inside my Dad's balls
My earliest memory is being in my mother's womb. What is yours?
490
335
3K
9
41
483
Once you open a container of hummus leave the plastic seal half on so you can keep getting hummus on your hand
1
42
499
DAVID BOWIE: Ziggy played guitar
GUY WHO IS HELPING YOU DEVELOP AN IDEA BUT HE IS NOT CREATIVE AT ALL BUT HE'S READ ALL THE BOOKS ABOUT WRITING: Why does Ziggy play the guitar though? I want to know why Ziggy chose to play the guitar
7
41
479
TORONTO: We should eradicate the poor so that my son can open up his gourmet cookie store
5
29
490
Add “Like An Idiot” to a song title:
While My Guitar Gently Weeps Like An Idiot
206
23
489
NETFLIX: Chris, we just added a movie you might like. It's called Boring Ass Shit That Sucks
5
44
468
It's funny when I was a kid I thought you grew up to become an adult but now I know that you actually become a kid's brain in a giant sack of crap that hurts
3
72
467
KID: I saw your father eating jam out of the jar behind a tree
MY DAUGHTER: Don't say that about my Dad!
ME: No it's true
0
43
440
This is my brain on drugs and this is 3 of my penises on drugs
5
31
451
ME: Nice ring, Frodo
FRODO: It's mine! You can't have it! It's my ring!
ME: I'm glad I don't have a ring that makes you so mean to people who are nice to you
2
38
410
Captain Bones is out today!
In this stand up special I am fat and psycho. Please enjoy! 🤪
Thank you to
@CraveCanada
and
@justforlaughs
for having me
17
81
421
Jack Dorsey says he is stepping down as CEO of The International Fireball Cinnamon Whisky Devil Sticks Juggling Competition
2
32
408
“The shooter was mentally ill” Um, everyone is mentally ill. It’s called being alive right now. Don’t give us machine guns
1
39
413
I don't think poor people should be allowed on my huge property. Okay wait let me explain! You see, I inherited millions of dollars from my grandfather who was a crook that exploited poor people in the past and so now I am a nobleman
2
25
392
Animals have no idea how many cartoons we’ve made about them
9
30
412
When I was born the doctor said I was going to be dumb but I didn’t!
3
54
401
I have Covid but don’t worry because I’m eating hay from a barn
3
13
387
Happy birthday to me today. I am a damned ass old dog. Push me towards the rushing river. Love you all
63
1
390
SCARFACE: Say hello to my little friend!
SCARFACE'S MACHINE GUN: Hello everyone I look forward to working with you
1
46
390
Lucky
I am currently 17 hrs 08 mins 03 secs of light-travel time from Earth (2020:088:000000:2L)
20
61
412
1
72
372
COMEDIAN: So I have anxiety…
AUDIENCE: HA HA HA HA HA!! Yes!
3
9
377
If you want to know why I am so dumb it's because these were my heroes growing up
11
12
358
God will destroy us in any which fashion he so desires
6
19
365
It's my birthday today! Many moons ago a weird man and woman made love, then got divorced. The man passed away and the woman's always like "I love my grandkids so much!" I'm walking around like "What the hell is this place?" My therapist is like "You're not crazy, you're normal"
64
3
350
People are so WOKE these days you can’t even call a kid who kills people “murderer”
1
34
354
I feel like... let's not write a musical about Covid after this is over
4
16
344
CLARK KENT: Only kryptonite can kill me
PERRY: What do you mean? Can't regular things kill you?
CLARK: Oh shit. Which guy am I right now!?
3
37
342