Chloe Maddren
@chloe_maddren
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baby comedian and host of The Friend Request
Sydney, New South Wales
Joined October 2017
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I think it’s so important to lead with a great personality. I just want someone who likes me for me!
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I put my comedy special up on OnlyFans and sent the link to every guy that’s sexually harassed me online 🙃
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I’m bringing my debut show to my homeland, Brisbane next week May 20!!! Pls come and sell it out for me 🙊
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Maaaaan I been hittin the gym lately, yall don’t even know about the rock hard abs I got under a coupla layers of pizza
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You guyssss! I’ve got two more shows in Sydney this weekend and oh I’d love to see you there!!
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Ey I totally forgot about this place but if you’re in Melbourne, come see my new hour 🙊
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Anyone else playing bitey at home after watching tonight’s episode of Succession?
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@jammerzpod
@wendistarling
@thepenta
@Meadbymead
'What's the worst thing that could happen, I get murdered? Oh no I don't have to go to work again or pay my bills, how terrible!'
I identify so much 😅
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Did you know you can watch me do a full stand up show on YouTube membership? Idk pretty cool. Check it outttt
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Yes, I have a Bukowski quote tattooed on my arm! Yes, I was completely obnoxious at 21 years old!
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Is it just me or does everyone pretend tartare sauce is cum to make it more appealing?
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To all the comedians about to fly out of Melbourne, think of all the kind punters who paid you attention throughout your shows when you chose whether or not to look up at the poor flight attendants during the safety demonstration.
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When you say you nap for half an hour when really you jerked off for twenty minutes then passed out for ten.
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This is how Australians make friends
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People think Australia is hardly reacting to COVID-19 BUT it’s currently St. Patrick’s Day and we all forgot to get drunk... We’re taking this very seriously.
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Yes, I am flirting with my step cousin. Yes, I am not doing well right now.
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Gotta go to the podiatrist but I’m not sure who invoices who.
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Her: Fuck me like a whore!
Him: Oh yeah baby!
Her: No seriously, give me some money.
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As a bisexual woman, every single day that I continue to date men confuses me.
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Remember when we all saw a movie where a family wanted to adopt a child and instead ended up with a mouse and we all just accepted that as a realistic and desirable premise?
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Not watching the cute animal videos your girlfriend sends you is abuse so, I’m suing the guy I currently let inside me.
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Love a humble brag like, I have good tits… It’s humble cause they’re god damn world class.
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My boyfriend always dates girls with allergies and I think it’s because as a man who’s faced plenty of adversity in his life, he wants someone he can relate to and food intolerances are about as tough as it gets for a white woman.
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I wish my psych would follow me on Instagram so she’d have a more honest and up to date insight.
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I actually get a lot of closure from the imaginary conversations I have with myself.
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If I were to summarise my life so far I would say ‘needs to pee’
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I was recently criticised by a handful of male open micers for joking about sex too much. Thanks to their comedic influence, I now have several jokes ending in ‘faggot’ and doodles of doodles all over my merch.
#highbrow
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The only reason I try to maintain a sex life is to keep my bedroom tidy.
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They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I say it’s anal.
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Me: Is it okay to add cheese to a microwaveable mac n cheese?
Doctor: And how long have you been depressed?
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I wish that as a part of the flight safety demonstration, air hosts had to insist that there were no snakes on the plane.
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What are my fitness goals? I want to be asked if I’m okay, regularly.
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People think I’m a nice person but in reality I just have a massive crush on everyone...
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I am so skinny when I lay down with half my body stretched over the edge of my bed.
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If I don’t have somewhere to be, the only reason I’m ever hurrying you off the phone is cause I gotta poop.
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I’ll I’ve learnt from the Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial is that Johnny Depp has teeny tiny hands.
#JohnnyDepp
#AmberHeard
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My favourite piano concerto was playing when I arrived at the psych today, proving once again that my life is a movie and I am the main character
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I dunno if it’s the isolation or the instagram filters but everyone’s lookin real fuckin good lately...
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Took like two months of Zac Efron living in Australia before I said to my housemate,
‘I just have this feeling Zac Efron and I are gonna bang. Cause like, he looks approachable and he’s here.’
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Thinking of starting a Patreon to support my decision to continue not having a podcast
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Not slut shaming the girl who’s trying to fuck your ex? That’s growth baby.
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Comedy: Think of funny premise, craft joke around it.
Musical comedy: Think of funny premise, write chords.
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Disappointed about Uncut Gems. I was expecting a Happy Maddison comedy about a bunch of Jews and one uncircumcised dick.
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It’s so disappointing that all the environmentally conscious men turned out to be cucks.
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I don’t date men in their 30’s because of their experience, intellectual growth, maturity or financial stability. It’s just an easy way to navigate hair line expectations before getting too attached.
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There’s more to me than my breasts! I have a great ass too.
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Having a crush on someone is just finding someone who bitches about the same people you bitch about
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I’m starting my own comedy course that will ready u for the open mic scene. You’ll learn to interrupt room runners while they work to beg for spots, demand payment for ur hobby long before u r good enough to pull a crowd AND make female comics feel uncomfortable and/or belittled!
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Most mornings it takes me about two hours to figure out what is reality and what was a dream from the night before.
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Horny while camping and can’t tell if the phrase ‘just breath through your mouth’ is too unsexy?
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Try saying click and collect without sounding like a fuckin nerd
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I’ve been disgusted by sick people long before the corona virus thank you very much.
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‘You never put any clips of your standup online. Are you not good?’
Nah dude, same reason you haven’t released a sex tape. You’re not very good at it, you won’t look as good as you think and you’re worried you’ll get fired from some of the things you say.
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Annoyed that I can’t use “I’m gonna be a super star” as collateral on a car loan.
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Just when I thought I had a successful career of sliding into the DM’s of semi famous comedians, Chris D’Elia has me feeling like the last one picked for the school football team again
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Tragic that out of all the social media platforms, I have the fewest followers on Twitter and yet, it’s the only one that I show my nips on...
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Just realised ‘FFS’ means ‘For fuck sake’... up until know I thought I had totally flabbergasted my opponents in online arguments to a point where they couldn’t do anything but hiss at me.
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Testing out a new pick up line:
‘You suck, I suck, let’s suck eachother?’
What do ya reckon?
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Day after Valentine’s Day, it saddens me to think how many unnecessary lives have just been conceived.
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Sometimes I miss my ex. His cheating and openly verbal desire for super tiny hot chicks was so motivating for my eating disorders 😍
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I thought liking chocolate with nuts in it would be a sign of growing up. Turns out it’s just another way to get fat.
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First gig back was like riding a bike. Which I learnt when I was four, didn’t do again for a while and totally stacked the next time I tried.
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Every time I smile at a baby in public and the mum smiles back, I’m so glad she think I’m just getting g clucky instead of thanking FUCK for my abortion...s
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Who needs acting school? I have no clue what one of my housemates is studying and it’s way too late to ask.
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Dating app bio template:
I like being inside, and outside.
I like doing thing and also not doing things!
I love some stuff, but I hate some other stuff.
I expect you to bring a hell of a lot more to the table than I do!
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I don’t type ‘ciggies’ because ciggies are cool. I type ‘ciggies’ cause I’m terrified of spelling ‘cigarette’.
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Only now realising iso IS effecting me... I’ve finally signed up for Twitch
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Just realised I still look like a baby trying citrus for the first time when I get lime in my vodka.
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Um actually I am taking myself pretty seriously these days. Now I only post thirst traps to my insta stories, no feed.
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Every day that I don’t throw my phone at a wall, I know I’m growing 😍
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When everyone agrees that a woman is hot, she is literally just skinny. When everyone agrees a man is hot, he just has good hair on his head and face... the end.
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Every guy I date has at least one ex who fuuucukin hates me. Honestly, it is great for the ego.
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