Chester Missing
@chestermissing
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Smack talking, double Emmy nominated South African latex. Associated with ventriloquist @conradkoch ... nobody cares.
SUITCASE in SOUTH AFRICA.
Joined April 2011
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White people behind me in voting queue started complaining in Afrikaans about ‘the uneducated masses’ voting. Lemme ask them now if they mean John Steenhuisen.
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Just to be clear everyone. This does not mean she’s buying the weekend. >>>
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I went to the EFF shutdown and asked them about VBS.
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I'm starting to feel like I am the only puppet who hasn't had a meeting with the Guptas.
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1. I am a puppet. I dont have guts.
2. I don't tag politicians, because that's trolling.
3. I just joked about your kak social media skills, and you reciprocate by demonstrating them.
4. You seem to be making a career of being nailed by puppets.
5. Relax Helen. Its December.
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David Mabuza has resigned from Parliament. Here is a list of the things South Africa has lost with him leaving:
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Ramaphosa owes it to the nation to admit that the reason he’s at the G7 summit is actually so he can charge his phone.
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The ANC Gauteng is marching against etolls, which were brought to you by the ANC. ‘Protect me from yourself’ is literally their policy statement.
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White guy in parliament telling people that stealing is a sin.
Makes sense when it’s a bank, but mention land and suddenly logic f**ks off.
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Floyd thinks Lionel Messi was honored to meet the EFF. Dude, Lionel thinks you were a mid level hotel manager who won a competition.
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Ramaphosa says they gonna roll out tablets to 23700 schools. We also have kids literally drowning in poo because we don’t have working school toilets. Hopefully your tablets will have an app for that.
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The EFF and Floyd got VBS cash. It’s kak when you arrogantly lecture everyone about nationalizing banks and then get caught stealing from a bank.
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Good morning friends! Remember, no matter how kak your job is, this is how I arrive at work.
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Truworths has 19 divisional directors, of which none are black and only 2 are women. Now you know, Truworths is a branch of AfriForum.
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Not gonna lie for entertainment value Juju and Gerrie Nel in court will make the Oscar trial look like a sideshow.
Gerrie: I put it to you...
Juju: What are you putting to me? The land?
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He's not asleep. He's downloading instructions from Moscow.
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Minister of Electricity looking for corruption at Eskom.
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Juju wants to know why the media is going at Brian Shivambu, who holds no political office. Good question boss! Let’s ask Duduzane Zuma and Siyabonga Nene.
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Julius says white people’s dogs eat steak. This is the kind of ignorance that happens if you live with a millionaire white cigarette smuggler.
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BREAKING: the EFF have suspended Floyd Shivambu and have demanded he make his bank accounts public.
I'm kidding. Totally kidding. They're totally protecting his cupcake-revolutionary ass.
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The EFF are squealing that Pravin met the Guptas. Never mind Juju running Limpopo tenders, evading tax, VBS, cigarette smuggler millions. Turns out those overalls are made of space age hypocrisy resistant materials.
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So Jacob Zuma’s lawyer’s are basically telling us he did corruption because he thought that’s how BEE works? Who is his lawyer? Leon Schuster?
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The Limpopo Deputy Speaker has a R125 000 cellphone bill. This guy took his job title literally.
Us: Why is your bill so high?
Him: Because I am the SPEAKER.
If he becomes the chief whip we are all screwed.
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Bathabile Dlamini is now the minister of women. Women, please accept our deepest sympathy, men.
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Mmusi Maimane saying we have an ANC problem. No buddy, you have a water, Patricia and lunatic tweeting racist problem.
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Politicians I’ve joked at recently:
Mbalula
Zuma
Maine
Dlamini Zuma
Dlamini
Zuma
Nhleko
Mantashe
Zulu
Duarte
Mkhize
Mashatile
Mabuza
Zille
Magashule
Maimane
Holomisa
Lekota
Mchunu
Zikalala
Mahumapelo
De Lille
Ramaphosa
Niehaus
Politicians who caught feelings:
Zille
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White people, there’s a caucus at Tasha’s nationwide at 11am to discuss who you will moan about at braais now.
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I’m no expert but I definitely have what it take to be chief of IT at SARS.
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The DA’s JP Smith joked that he couldn’t say Abongile Nzelenzele’s surname. There’s gonna be a lot of silly debate about it being ‘just a joke’. Here’s how that works…
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The Gift of the Givers is doing the job the ANC should be doing.
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BREAKING NEWS: ANC KZN's charge sheet against Dr Makhosi Khoza:
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The DA tries to be relevant after the EFF got kicked out. 😆
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The EFF want the state to keep SAA and nationalize the reserve bank. Guys, if your idea of forensic accounting is Juju reading over Floyd’s banks statements and deciding himself they’re fine then u really need to shut up while the adults talk.
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Anoj Singh is claiming to know so little about what was going on at Eskom it’s clear he thought CFO stood for Chief Fokol Officer.
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UK refusing to see our vaccinations as legit when they themselves sold us the vaccines for exorbitant prices? That’s almost as racist as if they stole an entire country’s wealth and then loaned it back to them with interest. Oh wait, they’re doing that too.
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Eusebius would say the shit most were too compromised, too cowardly or too ignorant to say. And he said it with charm and brilliant clarity. He stood his ground when many others wouldn’t, and South Africa is vastly poorer for his passing. This puppet is fuggen broken. 🖤
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The EFF says Nene is lying. Until Juju can explain how a broke politician gets a R16million tax bill legally they need to sit the hell down.
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European media thinks because South Africans first discovered a Covid variant it means its our variant. Funny how they only apply that rule to Covid, never land.
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It’s not a cabinet, it’s a Hawks most wanted list.
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AfriForum says apartheid was not a crime against humanity. This is really just a statement about who AfriForum sees as human.
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SAA splitting into different units. That’s hilarious. What u gonna call them? Mango, Guava and Naartjie?
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Discovery is gonna have a bank. Which means 5 days into the year your savings will vanish and they’ll act like giving you a free movie ticket makes it ok.
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I’m just trying to understand how the EFF thinks u can stop an assassination with a slap. I need diagrams please.
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Someone stole an R8million painting from Ace Magashule's office. So if you still dont have a house, an actual toilet, school clothes, etc, you have 2 reasons to be angry: 1. Ace has a R8mill picture, 2. It's been stolen.
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Still no arrests for Steinhoff or VBS. Can you imagine a bank being robbed:
Bank: Help! We’ve been robbed!
Police: we’ll be there to make arrests in a month once we’ve got some evidence?
Banks: But we just caught them.
Police: Let’s not rush things.
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Now we gonna have to change her name from Mama Action to Mama Transaction.
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De Lille has a party called Good. I’m gonna start one called Enough. And then we can have a coalition.
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Putting Ace Magashule in charge of fighting corruption is like putting Helen Zille in charge of your twitter account.
#ANC54
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Never forget that when our government was asked if 100 people could have homes or they could spend R22million on a fokken flag pole, they chose the pole.
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Hectic start to the day. Had breakfast, answered emails, swam to Mexico, crawled into Texas.
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When a person of colour speaks out like Ashwin Willemse just did about how our history has shaped their lives the only legitimate response from white SA, as far as this puppet is concerned, is to listen and reflect deeply before responding.
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Juju has joined the Ethics Committee in Parliament. He of Limpopo tenders and killing for Zuma is deciding on ethics. Next week Oscar joins the Gender Commission and the Oros Man to comment on the sugar tax.
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Talking about Nhlanhla Nene heading up Eskom. Someone really needs to go up to Guptapants, stick their tongue out, and go: NENENENENENENENENENENE.
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The only way we’ll get SA police to catch Thabo Bester is if we convince them he’s an EFF member protesting.
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Someone has expropriated the land on Reverend Kenneth Meshoe’s head.
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Floyd Shivambu's brother implicated in getting a dodgy R16mill from VBS, which is also EXACTLY how much tax Julius owed, AND half of what the ANC owes on it's website. YOU do the maths my friends.
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We’ve had racists running the country, we’ve just fired a corrupt sex maniac and now we have a billionaire. It’s like we’ve been getting Donald Trump in installments.
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Agrizzi is no longer gonna testify at the Mokgoro commission into the NPA, because the assholes at the Hawks arrested him so he’s not sure he can talk.
A round of applause for the Hawks please. This level of stupidity they may as well run Eskom too. 👏👏👏
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BREAKING: Pravin Gordhan announced as the new Minister of Joshua Doore.
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Juju says he doesn’t trust new NPA head Shamila Batoyi. He thinks she’s close to Pravin. Because Indian people all know each other, duh. Julius looks black, but under the revolutionary facade is a 50 year old white racist from Umhlanga.
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ANC employee Velile Present was involved in a cash in transport heist and they say they are embarrassed? He should have stuck to non-embarrassing shit like stealing Eskom, letting people die in hospitals, and starting fake dairy farms.
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Guys, stop messaging me. No I did not just try organize a coup. That’s a whole other puppet.
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If Pravin can be cross examined by Dali Mpofu on live TV then Julius ‘Mampintsha’ Malema can be examined by Glynnis Breytenbach re Limpopo tenders there too. Let’s do it fighters. He has nothing to hide right?
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Gavin Watson paid Andile Ramaphosa directly. Just wait, Cyril is gonna tell us he’s shocked again.
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How big an asshole do you have to be to invade a continent, oppress the locals for generations, and then go around the world whining to anyone who will listen that you don’t feel welcome?
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The ANC is promising to stop violence in Africa. You literally let Al-Bashir go you lying bastards.
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EFF New Year’s resolutions:
1. Study
2. Sell Julius’ diet 2 the ANC.
3. Go to court
4. Branding. Ask Floyd if next Porsche can be red.
5. Study in court
6. Remind Julius to delete Limpopo tender emails.
7. Get policies outside of land. Eg nationalize Twinkies.
8. Gucci overalls?
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Ramaphosa telling us we haven’t created enough jobs. Ya buddy, that’s rich from a dude who just got another dude fired. Pfffft.
#SoNA2018
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KPMG in on VBS too. They are less an accounting firm and more a money laundering scam with an HR department.
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ANN7 is being taken off DStv? Iyoh. Comedy Central must be relieved to have lost their biggest competitor.
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Zuma wants 3 months notice before he resigns? Piss off you asshole. You’re a corrupt president not a cellphone contract.
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Court just ruled that Brian Molefe has to pay back his pension money. Can someone collect his tears please? We need them in Cape Town.
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Government spent R10 billion on set top boxes for cheap digital TV.
Now they've decided it was a bad idea.
So unless they have a way build a school entirely out of set top boxes,
someone needs to be fired,
but probably won't be.
Have a nice recession.
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Our democracy is amazing. Our best DJ has one arm, our most famous murderer has no legs, and our biggest opposition leader has no brain.
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EFF saying ANN7 is built off proceeds of crime and so staff can go to hell? Well then best they urgently show us proof that Juju’s Limpopo tenders were legit and that they haven’t been getting money from that cigarette smuggler he’s been hanging with. I’ll listen off air thanks.
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Jacob Zuma believes nothing at the State Capture Commission has implicated him in corruption. He literally says ‘nothing has come up so far’.
Clearly someone set his TV on Mzansi Magic and he doesn��t know how to change the channel.
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The reason the ANC can't tell President Guptapants what he's done wrong is because you can't spend a decade smoking nyaope with a dude and then suddenly turn around and tell him he has a drug problem.
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The ANC are having their business breakfast. The menu is:
Scrambled facts.
Poached tenders.
Captured toast.
Egg whites beaten hard.
Guptas Aren’t BBBEE black coffee.
Waffle waffle waffle.
Mzwanele Manyi muesli (all nuts)
ANC will rule until cheeses
Eating will continue to 2019
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The way SONA works is the President talks then everyone goes outside and says their response to the media. Juju was in a rush to get outside to talk to the media. That’s all. No assassination, just rich dudes klapping a worker so they can talk to journalists they claim to hate.
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Plans for today:
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Don’t make sex tape
Buy cheese
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R19 to the pound. Someone expropriated the rand without compensation.
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Don’t be surprised if by the end of next week you meet a well dressed Uber driver called Mosebenzi Zwane.
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Listen
@realDonaldTrump
, or as we call you in Africa, Comrade Gatorade, white South Africans are doing fine, better than fine in fact. Rather focus on getting Putin's hand out your ass, and insulting Canada for no reason. Thanks, your fellow puppet, Chester Missing
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My friend Malusi Gigaba says there’s an orchestrated plot to end his career. I hate to say this boss, but I think you have an orchestrated plot against yourself.
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Hey DA, you want to solve your fight with the taxi drivers? Build poor people places to stay closer to the city. 🤪
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Waiting for Gareth Cluff to tell Zille that her experience of being manhandled by the police is anecdotal and nobody cares.
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The DA will deny something is racist until they hear the actual k word. Clearly the D in DA stands for Deny and the A stands for Apartheid. They need to add an H for Happened. DAH.
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The ANC are still telling Zuma the reason he must go is they don’t want 2 centers of power. Stop lying you assholes. That’s like telling the abusive alcoholic he has to leave the bar because the air conditioning isn’t working.
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SONA has started. Not a bouncer in site. Cyril cracking jokes. Everybody cheerful. Positive vibes for days.
F*ck you Jacob Zuma.
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Getting rid of this Zuma character is turning out to be like getting a Telkom landline: today, we mean tomorrow, ok next week... maybe never.
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AfriForum is going to schools to teach kids about bullying. They are apartheid denialists. They literally deny how white people have bullied black people for decades and more, and now they’re at schools talking bullying. What’s the class called? ‘How to be an even bigger doos’?
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BREAKING: preliminary notes released by President Zuma's lawyer:
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Pravin is canceling Eskom execs’ Christmas leave. Matter of hours before Julius tells us the Indian cabal is trying to undermine Santa.
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