Carin Marie
@carinmariederry
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Writer & Professional Listener | Upcoming book: Leaving the Demimonde | Blog: money, men, sex, and death 🇨🇦🇿🇦
BC, Canada
Joined June 2016
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I decided to retire my pseudonym and start writing/existing online under my real name. So - hello! I’m Carin. Nice to re-meet you.
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If your default response to stress is to freeze, maybe you don’t need a stillness practice. Maybe you need a running or fighting practice. Show your body you aren’t stuck. You aren’t trapped. You are free. You can move. You can get away. You can fight back.
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@vals_pals_
It is magical to observe someone in their element. I’ve thought about charisma a lot - some people are born with it, but it can also be developed. And even those who are naturally talented can strengthen it with practice. In my opinion, that doesn’t make it any less real. I see
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If your default response to stress is to freeze, maybe you don’t need a stillness practice. Maybe you need a running or fighting practice. Show your body you aren’t stuck, you aren’t trapped. You are free. You can move. You can get away. You can fight back.
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“Fuck you money” doesn’t even need to be money. It can be knowing you have someone who will take you in and house and feed you while you figure out your next steps. Imagine having 5 friends or family members like this. That’s wealth.
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Every couple I know with a great sex life has excellent communication, and they share intimacy in all aspects of the relationship, not just sex. They feel like they could tell each other anything. They enjoy being around each other. They respect each other. They like each other.
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I would love to just be held for an hour, in a happy silence, by a man who thinks I’m pretty and smart.
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Just over a year ago, I had an MDMA session guided by a therapist. In the experience, I felt a strong urge to forgive the people who had abused me. But then I felt something (energetically, not physically) like a hand on my shoulder, pulling me back, saying, “not yet.”
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Conversation I just overheard between a mom and her 4 yr old daughter:
Girl: I’m nervous.
Mom: Oh, are you? I’m a little nervous too. We can be nervous together. But you know what, once we get there and we get to know them, I don’t think we’ll be so nervous anymore.
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Currently dating someone who offers reassurance and comfort when I’m scared. There’s no sighing, eye-rolling, or stiffening up. There are no attempts to talk me out of having my feelings. It’s made me realize: this is what I deserved all along.
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I hadn’t developed a world view in which I could make sense of what had happened to me. I also hadn’t developed the boundaries and protection mechanisms I needed to help me stay safe going forward. Forgiveness at this stage would have been naive and potentially dangerous for me.
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Guys I was watching a documentary about Ingrid Bergman and my roommate just told me, “that sounds boring.” What? I like Old Hollywood??? Can’t I like what I like??? Are my interests boring?? What happened to encouraging your friends and lifting them up?? 🥲
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I’ve thought about that moment a lot since then, because I always thought forgiveness was a good thing. Why did something hold me back from doing this good thing? Eventually I figured out it’s because I hadn’t properly integrated and made sense of what had happened to me yet.
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The most important skill I’ve learned this year is learning how to acknowledge when something is wrong. I no longer gaslight myself with “this is fine.” I look at the horrifying, ugly mess, take a deep breath, and say, “this is not fine. This is, in fact, terrible.”
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“Fuck you money” doesn’t even need to be money. It can be knowing you have someone who will take you in and house and feed you while you figure out your next steps. Imagine having 5 friends or family members like this. That’s wealth.
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