Guess what Roy Moore?
I’m still gaaaaaaaaaay. I’m gay.
And I’m not in prison cuz being gay isn’t illegal. In fact, you lost on my WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Hahahahahahahahah
Thrilled to report 16k ppl went to see Tr*mp in Tulsa
And i have hosted a queer rights music festival in Utah attended by 30k
Do u know how badly u have to be doing as POTUS to underdraw a queer rights music festival in Utah??
at a Walgreen’s
Man: “aren’t u supposed to be playing soccer?”
Me: “...”
Man: “you look like that World Cup player.”
Me: “no I don’t; we’re just both lesbians.”
Reader, I also do not look like Ellen, Tegan, Tig or Sara. I *will* accept Matt Smith.
just had a convo my mom about they pronouns & she said
“one positive thing about having kids who keep moving forward is I don't get old & out of touch."
This is a very good take.
There’s no reason a man saying “i didn’t rape her” is more credible than a woman saying “he raped me”
Except we put greater value on male lives and futures
And there u go: patriarchy defined
Left my show last night at 12AM
Drunk dude w/ buddies blocked the sidewalk, starting humping the air in front of me, wouldn’t move
I had to *run* away
Just headlined a wknd, felt powerful & then immediately like 0
Being a woman is scary all the time
Queer Eye but w/ 5 queer women & nb hosts who replace all ur food w/ cashew milks & cheezes
shave one side of ur head
adopt several dogs for u
encourage u to go by ur initials
i once needed an iv bc i refused to remove my jean jacket at a music festival & gave myself heat stroke
So yeah, being a lesbian is pretty fucking dangerous
Reminder: no trans person’s gender expression has ever hurt anyone in a bathroom or anywhere
Anti-trans measures cause violence, entrench patriarchy & pain
I am w/ my trans family members
ALWAYS.
My dad called to tell me about this suburban Chicago family whose Pride flag was stolen & replaced w/ the American flag (aggressive & stressful) so the whole neighborhood put up Pride flags
“Beautiful! I teared up, Cameron!”
Love to my hometown & love to my dad
wore a rainbow lapel pin on a flight
A flight attendant eyed me. Then said ‘love ur pin’ EMPHATICALLY
i love family acknowledgment
When we see each other taking up space, being ourselves & go ‘YES’
Happy pride, Helen!! i see u, too.
Oh shit. Santa...
- loves animals
- keeps track of bad behavior
- is into baked goods
- wears boots
- keeps hair a natural, undyed white
- has a workshop
- is in a committed, seemingly endless relationship
Santa is a lesbian.
“but why do we need to say black lives matter when all lives matter”
if ur a white person & u’ve sat in or used the bathroom in a Starbucks w/o paying raise ur hand ✋
me, a devout Catholic leaving the church: patriarchy, colonialism & greed prop up this organization but I won’t. I am not a vessel. I am not a sin. Good day, Church!
me, seeing Met Gala lewks: im still very angry but i like these capes
My gf was experiencing chest pains & her doc suggested we go to Urgent Care
She was transferred to an ER via ambulance and I can’t be there bc she’s in the corona ward
This is a tough night
Pls keep some thoughts for Katy
“There are only two genders.”
Uh ok then riddle me this:
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY TYPES AND CUTS OF JEANS. I refuse to believe human beings are less inherently interesting than pants.
Outlets asking me & literally every other female comics to write about a dude showing ppl his penis:
WRITE ABOUT US INSTEAD
not sensationalized lists. articles. we’ve been here. write about us.
so the NRA’s 5 million members are important voters to appease
& the 5 mill ppl Planned Parenthood treats yearly are monsters to ignore
got it got it GOT IT
dear god
Pls let me remember that women may *want* to be hit on by men
So I can enjoy myself at this pool
And not yell LEAVE HER ALONE
like I’m the poolice
Women can u speak up but not be loud and I’d prefer a smile but be clear about whether ur flirting & cover ur bodies but show some skin
Protect urself but not from me I’m one of the good ones
Get a job & have my kids & stay young w/o Botox gross
Pls shut up. And speak up.
46yrs after Roe v Wade, women are
- 3x as likely to enroll in college (25% vs 72%)
- 2x as likely to be part of the paid labor force when we have young kids (37% vs 62%)
- 1000000x less likely to believe young boys or old men in red hats should make decisions about our bodies
Rhea & i are separating to live individual lives for a time. We care very much about each other & that’s why we’re doing this. We’re gonna talk to our friends about it & be pretty private in public. Thanks for your kindness and understanding.
I was in high school when Columbine happened
We had an all school assembly, crisis counselors came in, I think we were sent home.
11 school shooting so far in 2018?
How the hell are high schoolers dealing with this
Fellow white women: if ur at a loss for what to do right now, work for racial justice
Our privilege props up the white dudes who don’t give a shit about us
Patriarchy requires our wanting to keep that privilege intact
Tonight a human who went to my high school & got the same queer shame inducing education i did came to my show and said i helped them
IM SO HAPPY 🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀
“menstrual cramps are as painful as heart attacks”
Cool cool
id like a lil acknowledgement that I’ve been having a heart attack at work or school once a month for 26yrs
Been seeing folks say “if Ellen is replaced, let it be someone queer”
But hear me out
What if EVERYONE is replaced by queer folks?????
Ur parents. The president. Me. Even I am replaced by someone GAYER