Cameron Bradford
@camerobradford
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16,948
Take my hand, we'll weather this storm together.
Brooklyn
Joined March 2009
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Very crisp image. I can practically see the institute where I studied how to be stupider
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We should just pin all the debt in the world to one guy and then kill him
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My son just told me, "dad, you really know to tuck a motherfucker in." Being a parent is hard but moments like these make it all worthwhile...
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just what needed... a fucking tree gave me a parking ticket
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Whoever designed Microsoft Excel must’ve been smoking so little weed
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Fantastic... now the worms have van technology
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This turned out to be a pretty pointless endeavor
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I hope they include the iconic scene where he sticks his tongue out
First look at Albert Einstein in Christopher Nolan’s ‘OPPENHEIMER’.
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the best twitter accounts are ones where you don't know for sure what the person's deal is
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I wonder what they do with the blooper reels from really serious movies like Schindler’s List or 12 Years a Slave. They must just destroy them immediately
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Imagine being the first American soldier in Vietnam to put on "Fortunate Son". Everyone would be like, 'dude you're a genius, this is the exact vibe'
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When two people who are dating both like one of my tweets, i like to picture them both laughing at it together while holding hands in a swan boat
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The Fourth of July is kinda complicated for me because I fiercely love American empire but hate cooking out and kicking back with friends
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[tucking my son in]
Son: Dad, why isn’t mommy a bad bitch like some of my friend’s moms?
Me: well to be honest with you, Billy, your mother was a rebound after daddy fumbled a real bad bitch
Son: (tears forming) so mommy’s mid?
Me: (starting to cry as well) I’m afraid so son
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I shit you not, there is a store where you can build a bear
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They should write a book that has the same budget as a big studio blockbuster. Just imagine how incredible a book could be if the writer had $150 million to produce it
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“This is Us” should be called “That is Them”. None of those people are me
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I’ll take the fajitas, and please let them cool off a bit and bring them on a standard plate. I don’t need a fucking spectacle
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These fuckers are almost certainly on their way to be an obstacle in a motorcycle chase currently in progress
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Africa is big enough to fit a smaller Africa inside its borders
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There should be meat in keyboards, like you should be able to pry out the keys and suck meat out of them like crab legs
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name-dropping grandma in a conversation with my cousin
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I’ve been noticing recently that this part of my body keeps getting hungry every few hours
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Guy who’s only seen sardines in the wild commenting on a wide-open space: We’re like sardines out here
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Books should have a blooper page in the back that shows some of the typos the editors fixed
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(At house party) Yo everyone I’m getting in bed, you should sit at my side and visit with me
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I'm basically the opposite of a pedophile. I HATE having sex with kids
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I was a sapiosexual until I met my beautiful moron wife
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I’ve been a doctor for twenty years, so I’ve pretty much seen it all, wieners, asses, jugs… you name it
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I’m surprised sex even exists, given how I inappropriate it is
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The girl with the climate justice sign probably felt silly when she showed up to Greta’s house and everyone else had Palestine signs
Week 270. Today we strike in solidarity with Palestine and Gaza. The world needs to speak up and call for an immediate ceasefire, justice and freedom for Palestinians and all civilians affected.
#FreePalestine
#IStandWithPalestine
#StandWithGaza
#FridaysForFuture
Thread🧵
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Briefly thought this was another planet but then noticed the Statue of Liberty in the background
Apes are now patrolling New York in their final mission to take over the planet for ‘KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES’
In theaters on May 10.
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My wife and my mistress (both snipers) are currently in a protracted duel in a snowy pass in mountainous Kyrgyzstan.
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Letting my son’s prom date know I’ll shoot her if she tries anything with my son
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It's going to include a depiction of the prophet Muhammed
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My wife: I am pregnant
Me: Oh nice, I will definitely try to chip in when I can
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You call that a tuck-in? 😂😂 I’m gonna be squirming around all night
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c'mon twitter algorithm! daddy needs a new pair of shoes!
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Paranoid Boeing whistleblower looking through his blinds and seeing a 737 that's poorly disguised as a florist's van parked outside his house
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at parties, I always downplay my kid's unsolved disappearance because I don't want that to be my main thing. don't wanna become "the missing kid guy"
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We should selectively breed Venus fly traps until they can suck you off
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You should be able to reply to Amber alerts. I’d always say, “alright, I’ll keep an eye out for them”
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Just found out one of my favorite porn stars is racist... childhood ruined
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A flute is like a breathalyzer for testing if you have music in your system
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Lol, dumb ass brought a glove. They’re not gonna put you in, idiot
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Everything comes full circle
reading Morning Brew is lowkey goated in situations where catching up on all the latest news from Wall St. to Silicon Valley is the vibe
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Guaranteed way to have a lit night out? Go to an area that is shaded like this on google maps
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Just Imagine... this is what our country could look like if we properly invested in automotive infrastructure
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I hope he gets the chance to kill a man
Kim Seok-jin, the eldest member of BTS, has enlisted in the South Korean army. He is the first member of the supergroup to start the mandatory military service.
Jin posted a selfie featuring his freshly cut hair. “Cuter than expected,” he wrote.
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How have we left Mongolia so unchecked that they've been able to accumulate this many horses? They're clearly planning to recapture their vast empire
Here are the wild horses of Mongolia, and watching them freely galloping is a fresh breath.
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Are there any novels written from 1850-2000 that I should read?
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It’s pretty hilarious that The Barbie Movie and Oppenheimer are premiering the same day, especially when you consider just how different the subject matter of each film is
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These are pretty cool, my only note is they should probably put a divider on the bench so homeless aren't sleeping on it all the time
Scientists create Liquid Trees; a tank full of water and micro-algae that could be an alternative to trees in urban areas.
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To prepare for his role as ant-man, Paul Rudd was forced to eat only items from picnics he discovered
Paul Rudd says he had a “horrible” and “restrictive” diet for playing Ant-Man.
“My reward was sparkling water. That’s how horrible that diet was. I was like, ‘Alright, I can have some sparkling water now, I’ve earned it.’”
(via: )
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This is actually what you are supposed to do if you witness a crime happening
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I have pretty good 'radar', it's like gaydar but for ships and aircraft
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There should be a character in the Fast & Furious universe who's just very efficient at using public transit
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Asking my landlord what my bedtime will be before signing the lease
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Not sure ho needs to hear this but...
if you want this you gotta finish these
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Good story to wake up to. Welcome home, Viktor
BREAKING: Brittney Griner released by Russia in 1-for-1 prisoner swap for arms dealer Viktor Bout, U.S. official says
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This is why I usually stick to winning gold
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Brittney Griner should be allowed to do some illegal arms dealing now to make the trade more worthwhile
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Was a little surprised at how widely misunderstood this was.
When you you hear the HBO ‘static angel’ intro, what premium cable network immediately comes to mind?
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When you you hear the HBO ‘static angel’ intro, what premium cable network immediately comes to mind?
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Solving all the country’s problems by giving a bunch of kids cancer and training them to ask for different things
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It’s really disappointing that horses will just go along with this. They’re supposed to be loyal to us.
Apes on horseback have arrived in Venice Beach for ‘KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES’
(Source: switchflipjones/TikTok)
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My doll said one of the wittiest things I've ever heard at tea time today
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Fishnet stalkings are so erotic because they trigger the deeply embedded 'fisherman' part of the brain that desires nothing more than to capture and hold beautiful women in great big nets
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reverse-engineering a joke by forcing myself to laugh and then imagining what was so funny
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Randomly telling a buddy he has his mother’s smile
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Comedian Sarah Silverman claims she was ‘stoned’ when she endorsed Israel move to shut off Gaza’s water, electricity
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If I ever join a cult, it won't be because I'm brainwashed or whatever. It'll be because I've decided that that's what makes the most sense for my life
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Homer didn’t get his role in the Simpsons till he was 39. You have time
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This was accidentally a pretty cool tracking shot
Israeli police on Wednesday raided the anti-Zionist Jewish neighborhood in occupied
#Jerusalem
to take down Palestinian flags and brutally attacked anti-Zionist Jews, knocking them down on the road, hitting, and punching them in the face.
#Palestine
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It's nice that national geographic exists. it's like a newspaper for what's going on in the woods
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If you can’t handle me at bath time, you don’t deserve me at playtime
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You should be allowed to ride the school bus to work if your job is near a school
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When Paul McCartney died, they quickly replaced him with a look-alike, sound-alike but when John Lennon was murdered, they were like, "yep, that's the end of John."
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When I pray, I usually do a little light banter with God for a couple minutes before I get into the asks
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@waziot
“Look pal, I’m no Einstein… oh wait, I motherfucking am” *starts fastidiously scrawling a proof on chalkboard*
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one of my meek buddies actually stands to inherit some pretty cool shit
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My “brat summer” has been ruined as my son has been kidnapped
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(eating a bowl of alphabet soup in a restaurant) My compliments to the chef--or should i say author!
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He probably shouldn’t be using a plane with his name on it… doesn’t he know there’s a warrant out for his arrest?
Former President Donald Trump has arrived at New York's LaGuardia Airport ahead of Tuesday's arraignment. Follow live updates.
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This is pretty embarrassing. Someone went back and dug up a bunch of my old tweets from before I had learned about death.
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Aesop’s fables are really instructive if you’re like a cricket or fox or some shit but have scant implications for more complex human affairs
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