Caity Weaver
@caityweaver
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When I found out how much it costs to make a penny (3.07 cents), I lost my mind. Spent months investigating it. @NYTMag told me I could write 7,000 words on this. I countered with a 19,000 word draft. We compromised & published 7,000 words. Here they are:
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I paid a $900 fee for my mom’s local paper to publish her obituary and a photo taken by my dad. The NY Post reprinted both and placed ads on the page, which means I have effectively (unwillingly) paid $900 for the Post to make money off my mom’s obituary and a personal photo.
Writer's 'masterful' obituary for her mom makes readers 'laugh through tears'
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HBO needs to set aside 30 minutes a week for Cardi B to yell at America about a topic of her choosing.
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Got the worst news I’ve ever gotten last week. My mom and I made each other cry laughing all the time. I hate to think about all the deals she’s going to miss out on. I hope she guides me to the best sales forever.
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They also tagged the story “ENTERTAINMENT.” Thus far, my mother’s sudden death has proved neither entertaining nor profitable to me and my dad.
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I went to a struggling high school and often sense I’m missing a lot of foundational knowledge other people seem to have acquired around then. I always enjoy and appreciate @aoc’s Instagram content where she demystifies basic government procedural stuff for stragglers like me 😭
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Please don’t give any money to anything via the random links at the bottom of my mom’s obituary! We didn’t ask for them to be put there (they show up automatically) and have no idea how they work. My mom would have called this a SCAM.
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LOL now the local paper — who I paid to print the obituary — has reaggregated the obit into a standalone story about it going viral. New story includes the lines “Dr. Weaver’s obituary includes links to plant trees and make donations in her honor.” WE HAD NO SAY IN THOSE LINKS!!!.
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My mom doesn’t need free advertising (due to being dead). But we do need money to take care of my dad!!!.
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JESUS CHRIST “When her brother Angel, who is Amerie’s stepfather, learned from a fleeing child that a girl named Amerie had been shot inside, he ran to try and reach his daughter but was handcuffed by a local police officer”.
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MARTHA THAT IS NOT A SCIENTIST
I spent the day in the Everglades today with the Everglades Foundation scientists learning about water supply
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This account means the world to me. A gorgeous psychedelic archive of one of the most prominent yet ephemeral masterworks of early aughts American popular culture. If “kathie lee and hoda no context” does not captivate you, you ain’t livin right.
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This video of Sean Spicer speaking English to the best of his ability still destroys me
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Real talk, this looks like Reese was killed during the Hunger Games. Sorry to see her go, RIP, but excited to be one step closer to victory
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They are not the only ones btw! I also paid $900 for the Daily Mail to profit off my mom’s obituary and photo
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I thought I liked this story by @conniewang — but when I started crying at the part where all the Connies meet their namesake Connie Chung at the story’s photo shoot, I realized I LOVED it 😭 THE PHOTOGRAPHER WAS ALSO NAMED CONNIE!!! I’M SCREAMING
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This was the best movie of the decade.
WATCH: Hot mic video of two news anchors in Australia fighting over who gets to wear white is insane. Note: Picture goes dark at one point
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I hope the many outlets like @nypost @DailyMail @Yahoo & @TODAYshow that have republished my Dad’s photo (along with the obituary I paid $900 to print) have a plan for compensating him. He is a 78-year-old man in a wheelchair who lives on Social Security, and could use the money!.
Got the worst news I’ve ever gotten last week. My mom and I made each other cry laughing all the time. I hate to think about all the deals she’s going to miss out on. I hope she guides me to the best sales forever.
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"BAPPA PEEG" is my favorite line in anything this year, I walk around my home saying it to no one, and it is one billion percent ruder knowing it was improvised -- my GOD.
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I will never forgive those men for how they treated Jessica Walter!!!!!! And I'm so glad Alia Shawkat said something!!!!.
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It's one of my dearest wishes that, in this period of hell, we normalize doing about 20% less, collectively. My review of life in general: way too much going on. Like trying to read every single placard while running through a museum while appreciating art
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there are TWO groups inside the New York Times, one emphasizes "Buffalo" and one emphasizes "Wild Wings"; these groups are at constant war ‼️ that's the only way I can explain it.
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I fuckin love these French perverts. I’m glad they didn’t stress too much about learning any routines.
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The moving final line of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott.
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The thing that has most cheered me up this week is revisiting my mom’s greatest hits on Twitter. I’m so glad I kept tweeting about her even after she told me to stop.
Omg Mom just said I have to wash my face in the dark bc she has a poinsettia in the bathroom and it requires "total darkness 14 hours a day".
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REMEMBER!! It’s normal, even good, not to care about the British royal family. But NO ONE will be interested to hear that you don’t. It’s not a unique fact about you. Unless someone specifically tells me they care a LOT, I assume they don’t care at all. Explore other traits 🙏.
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PUERTO RICO DOES NOT HAVE ELECTRICITY
The White House never looked more beautiful than it did returning last night. Important meetings taking place today. Big tax cuts & reform.
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.@zachbaron on Brendan Fraser is moving, and sad, and revelatory. You will respect Brendan Fraser in ways that probably never occurred to you. An absolute must read.
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I can’t stop thinking about this!! People complaining about customer service at the black-owned indie bookshop from which 20,000 of them simultaneously ordered the magical books that will make them not racist. bc orders are delayed! Send the unracism books IMMEDIATELY, fascists!.
feeling bad for frugal bookstore, the only black-owned shop in boston, who are fighting customer backlash. received over 20k orders since 5/30, 75% for the same 10 titles which all need reprinting. if you want to support a black-owned business, part of that is not being a dick
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‼️URGENT‼️ My Dad still uses a flip phone and accidentally set his text notification to an audio file of himself recording his voicemail greeting, so EVERY TIME he gets a text, his own voice booms “Hey! If you’re ready to have some fun in your life, leave a message for John!”.
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Karen & Gizelle’s lunch getting interrupted by a mime Monique hired to invite them on a girls trip to France…and them not realizing that and bullying the mime into the GROUND, rendering him unable to perform his job…one of the best things that’s ever happened here on Earth.
This is literally one of the funniest sit-downs ever bcuz Karen & gizelle were cutting into each other then really thought a mime was high-jacking their lunch💀. #rhop
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I JUST SCREAMED IN A STRANGER'S FACE THAT BEYONCÉ IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS AND HE SAID NOTHING BACK.
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In honor of Christmas, I tried to figure out what glitter is and where it comes from
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“We could vote for mayors. We could vote for judges. And we could also vote for DA’s — district attorneys. Yes, we could vote for these people, for our county. We sure can.” Cardi is so skilled at informing without condescending.
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TFW you tell your grandma you are moving to Canada because you're GROWN and she responds with the surprising news that you are actually GROUNDED!!!.
Statement from Buckingham Palace: “Discussions with The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are at an early stage. We understand their desire to take a different approach, but these are complicated issues that will take time to work through.”.
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We must all strive to live our lives such that no one ever has cause to announce into a microphone that they WERE going to talk about the racism of Robert E. Lee but now they’re going to talk “about you, Connie”.
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This is why we MUST support our local news outlets!!! Riveting story with so many twists and details. And photos! Perfect headline, perfect length (LONG) — just a phenomenal job all around:
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This woman!.
Mom says if the poinsettia does not turn pink she will "know whose fault it was" 😭😭😭😭😭.
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I hope this is not controversial to say but. replace history textbooks with the Ben & Jerry's website
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TAYLOR👏🏽SWIFT👏🏽KNOWS👏🏽THAT👏🏽IN👏🏽THE👏🏽CRIMINAL👏🏽JUSTICE👏🏽SYSTEM👏🏽SEXUALLY👏🏽BASED👏🏽OFFENSES👏🏽ARE👏🏽CONSIDERED👏🏽ESPECIALLY👏🏽HEINOUS👏🏽
When asked whether she had watched police shows. “Yesss! I named my cat after Olivia Benson on Law & Order. “
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Life wasn't scary enough, now I have to constantly be on guard for HIDDEN BUTTONS THAT ALLOW MATT LAUER TO LOCK DOORS BEHIND ME WITHOUT GETTING UP.
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VERY VERY IMPORTANT TO ME PERSONALLY: Are people watching Reservation Dogs on Hulu??? You have to!! It's so funny. Really good to binge watch. The pilot is the weakest episode, but the show very quickly evolves into unbroken chain of excellent (perfect?) episodes across 2 seasons.
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HELLO hi I have an announcement: The New York Times has existed since 1851 but not until 2018 has it ever been destroyed by ME, Caity Weaver!!!! Exciting time to subscribe.
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I got fuckin' CAUGHT. Not since I was a CHILD have I been caught like this.
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Here’s a story pitch: a train—but I’M on it. Please read that story here:
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.@iamcardib fact-checking Trump in real time on Instagram while filming the TV with her phone, instantly asserting “She said that!” when he denied that Kellyanne Conway said rioting improved his election prospects — Cardi is one of our most informed voters
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Little announcement: @tcberman proposed to me and I said “Yes!” I look forward to Lindsay Lohan helping me select the perfect white top hat for my bridal photo shoot
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Imagine being raised by this woman! (It was fabulous.).
PLEASE READ: My mom accidentally turned on my cousin's phone's front-facing camera and mistook herself for "a celebrity's drunk mugshot".
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And just in case any of us are wondering if Brendan Fraser could kill us with an arrow, the answer is: Yes.
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CORY WAS STARING DAGGERS AT BETO SPEAKING SPANISH BECAUSE HE WAS PLANNING HIS OWN SPANISH REVEAL 😭.
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I’m not going to repost all the tweets but you get the idea.
Mom says she was gonna give me the "Outstanding Daughter Award" but then she read our relatives' Xmas letters and found stronger candidates.
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Just spoke to my mom on the phone and she said “I heard something about Beyoncé getting bit and thought ‘Gee, I wonder if Caity knows about that.’” MOM READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BY ME CAITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (your daughter Caity)
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Incredible thought to have at 5:47 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Love her!!!!
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There are so many tweets like this.
Mom has announced her plan to go to farmers market first thing tomorrow morning to confront "Amish thieves" who sold us a wingless turkey.
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I think something weird is going on with the Royal Family Instagram accounts:
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These quotes!!!!!.
Wow. A nursing home in Baltimore, oldest African-American one, did not lose *a single person* to COVID because as soon as they heard Trump say cases would soon go to zero, they realized it was going to be a catastrophe, stopped visits and masked up.
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What I liked abt Cardi is that she was never patronizing while explaining any topic, from who started Social Security to the logistics of being in a gang. On top of being interesting, she’s a very respectful conversation participant. A pleasure to talk to:
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“‘Cats’ actor”!!!!! Pure evil 😂😂😂 I thought we were all supposed to be looking out for each other!! They came for him!!!!!!!!!.
“Cats” actor Idris Elba assured fans that despite testing positive for coronavirus, he’s doing all right.
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Thank you to Gushers for tweeting "Gushers wouldn't be Gushers without the Black community" in the dead of night last night 💪😤Please give all black people (who want them) free gushers 🙏 Thank you again.
Gushers wouldn’t be Gushers without the Black community and your voices. We’re working with @fruitbythefoot on creating space to amplify that. We see you. We stand with you.
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We published her obituary on a Thursday to save money btw! That’s how much we need money. Could not justify the price jump for a Sunday obituary.
I paid a $900 fee for my mom’s local paper to publish her obituary and a photo taken by my dad. The NY Post reprinted both and placed ads on the page, which means I have effectively (unwillingly) paid $900 for the Post to make money off my mom’s obituary and a personal photo.
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Topics include: Fraser buying a special horse for his autistic son, Fraser’s sexual assault by the former President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, seven years of surgeries, and the Looney Tunes movie
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Making a note on my calendar to revisit @allierileyjones’ GQ profile of Pete Davidson (with Ariana Grande cameo!) in 5 years to see what’s happened with everyone involved.
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IT. BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Based on nothing but my passion for Markle and my talent for convincing myself, my hunch is that suing a tabloid is Harry and Meghan’s final British act before moving their family to CA so Meghan’s career in politics can begin. Pls only reference this tweet if I am proved right!.
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I'm getting feedback that this story is long. Just checked and it seems the perfect length. Can you click the link and see if it's long? Before telling me if it is, please send the link to 100 friends, ask them to check if it's long & collate the results
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I never knew techno was from Detroit?! OK, fact of the day! Tell somebody who doesn’t know (not me 😌).
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HELP my husband & I got invited to a “meal train” to make a meal for neighbors (WE LIKE) who had a baby. At first we were like “oh yeah definitely sign us up” but now we are like “oh wait we don’t know how to make a meal suitable to give to two adults (+toddler)” 😬 WHAT’S A MEAL.
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I’m screaming. What a menace!.
"Hey. I hope you didn't have that light on all night where the poinsettia is." - Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmm in a quiet aside to me just now.
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My advice for young writers: Dance like nobody's watching and write like all text is a placeholder for the actual brilliant text you will sub-in later, once you have time. (Note: You will not have time.).
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This spooky read would have been perfect for Halloween but I guess we’ll take being unsettled in June: The paragraph where no one has any idea how they met this man even though he’s one of their best friends is masterfully executed.
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She did this so many times. One time I had to wait for her to finish VACUUMING!!! When SHE called ME!.
[Incoming call from MOM CELL].Me: (answering phone) “Hi Mom!”.Mom: (in the tone of someone who has just been interrupted) “Hold on—I’m eating peanuts.”.
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Incredible read by @jeremykohler for @stltoday about how this here guy sued his family for defamation, made children cry by destroying beehives, argued that a birthday card worked like a deed, and about 9 bajillion other things, holy mother of God 😲
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Ladies and gentlemen, today Beyoncé is 36. Mozart died at 35. BEYONCÉ HAS DONE IT AGAIN.
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Guys, I know we’ve all got a lot on our minds, but please 😤. don’t forget to wish your best friend a Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday @TheRock
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I spent a thrilling day whale watching with Tiffany Haddish. She made my dreams come true by telling me the absolute wildest story about Beyoncé I have ever heard. Everyone on the whale watching vessel fell in love with her.
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Mom pretending to go to church in Central PA to steal the church’s recipe for chocolate eggs so I could remake the chocolate eggs myself and sell them on Wall Street…is that Christlike behavior???.
She's currently going undercover at a church we do not attend (where volunteers make the eggs) so she can learn how to make the eggs herself.
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Oh this was a classic!.
MY MOM WROTE IN ALL OUR CHRISTMAS CARDS THAT I "CAUSED A BIG FALLING OUT" BETWEEN KIM KARDASHIAN AND TAYLOR SWIFT 🎄😭🎄.
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Tonight almost all of us can just be grateful we are not the one who has to explain what has happened here today to Ms. Patti LaBelle.
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We are currently paying out-of-pocket for emergency home care for him and no outlet that has republished his photograph has even sent an email asking for permission. I can be reached at caity weaver at Gmail to discuss my Dad’s photographer fee! Thank you! 🙏.
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Hello haters!!!! Got married real quick and taking a couple days trip to Sedona and the Grand Canyon. Please share any tips you’ve got! Outdoor activities and dining only, please! (Or things we can do from / eat in a car.) THANK YOU for the wedding gift of on-topic responses. 🥂
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My husband said the White Lotus theme is what it sounds like inside our dog’s head so now every time I hear it I picture our dog going about his day.
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Wasn’t in a movie but the best performance of the year was Keyla Monterroso Mejia in this season of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” — no matter what the cards say, her name MUST be read as the winner of every category or I will lose it
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She was a podiatrist.
"It is legal to yell 'FUCK YOU!' at a cop!!!" - Mom, SCREAMING in a restaurant. (I said "Mom, why are you yelling? There are no cops here.").
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Based on nothing but my passion for Markle and my talent for convincing myself, my hunch is that suing a tabloid is Harry and Meghan’s final British act before moving their family to CA so Meghan’s career in politics can begin. Pls only reference this tweet if I am proved right!.
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Desperate plea for media twitter when you're out here aggregating the Bey anecdote from the @TiffanyHaddish profile: Please link to the actual profile in your aggregation I mean goddamn Tiffany & I did all the work and gave it to you for free HERE'S A LINK
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"I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh. because she’s dead."
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She also wanted me to sell gently used ties from Pennsylvania Goodwill stores on Wall Street! (I already had a full-time job!!!).
My mom wants me to make chocolate eggs and sell them on Wall Street.
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😂 I didn’t!.
Mom responding to radio report of accident on the turnpike: "Geez, I hope no one was killed. You probably hope someone was. For the drama.".
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My walkaway impression from interviewing Cardi is that she really listens. She loves to be informed and, as a result, she is informed. Details do not escape her; she chases them down and adds them to her arsenal of information. (It’s why she’s so good at clowning people!).
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For too long, Black History Month has been tied to the miserable, over-crowded-with-small-holidays month of February. So here is the plan:.1. Make Juneteenth a federal holiday. 2. Move Black History Month to June. 3. Move Pride to July.
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People are so rude to teenage girls but they are the ones who will be running America when we’re all enfeebled? And also they could probably ruin your life remotely from their iPhones in under 90 seconds but don’t even want to bother?.
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Truly believe God put me on this earth to periodically remind everybody that Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds got married on a plantation and yes you can tour the slave cabins on site!!!.
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If you love drama, gossip and reality TV, you really need to subscribe to your local paper. It’s literally drama and gossip about people in your town?!!?! Like, who wouldn’t want to read that?!! A better person than me I guess! Digital subscriptions are so CHEAP, just try one out.
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Why did she…why did she do this? 😂.
YOOOOOO MOM CAME THRU WITH THE HOMEMADE CHOCOLATE EASTER EGGS AND SAVED MONEY ON PACKAGING AS USUAL 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
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No one but Maya Rudolph will ever understand how much it meant to me to meet Maya Rudolph because I told her about it in extreme depth whoops haha probably a weird moment for her 😬 oh well, love to make people comfortable, maybe next time
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