sapphic white boy
@bog_chaser
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18,564
Following
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Media
82
Statuses
2,103
the least threatening man on lex
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Joined April 2021
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Caffeine panic attacks: fuck fuck i’m never gonna get this done on time fuck shit
Weed panic attacks: (rotating a 3D model of a spider in my mind) i thiunk my friends are mad at me
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sorry i'm late shawty i turned the shower on and started chomping at the water like a dog
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Hey man do you want to come over, catch up for an hour, and then spend the rest of the night watching the worst Youtube videos of all time?
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38 y/o gf who still says “sweet summer child”: they’re debating whether PAWG is a slur and i just can’t with the hellsite today.
Me [heard “PAWG” and got so hard i got nauseous]: i think i hauve Covid
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KANYE: i thought about suicide last night / Black Cobain on the mic / doctors give me medication / her titties my inspiration
JAY Z: She evil like the Purple Flying People Eater,
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{wingmanning my buddy} she’s more afraid of you than you are of her
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Teenager who only joined twitter to talk about celebrities: name a more iconic show than Glee. You can’t
32 year old guy who sends women the 🥺 emoji (quote tweeting): uhh, have you heard of The Sopranos???
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If my kid wants to mess around with the power outlet that’s really none of my business
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woman at a coffee shop: he was like lowkey gaslighting me and he had, like, a little ass penis
me {a little bit louder}: penis
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[3:09 AM twitter]
@Garfield_Euthanizer
: driunk lol
@Sorrowful_Maiden
🔒: it just never gets any better
@Australian_Dave
: crikey its a fahkin rippah day out innit
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[listening to all-girl band Pitchfork gave Best New Music] Shawties on squad mode. And they can let it rock? Mmm.... [merges without signaling
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Taking a photo of myself wearing 5” inseam shorts and a crop top where i’m visibly crying and then DMing it to every women I know with the caption “is this what you want .”
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The horniest thing you can do when you reply to a woman posting a lewd photo is try and riff on it. asking her if you can stuff your balls in her asshole is more civilized
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If the autistic shawty hits you with the “:3” she’s trying to stim on your shit like crazy
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19 year old girl at 100 gecs show: i’m sorry if this is rude but are you okay?? Do you have a condition i should know about???
Me (has been trying to do jedi mind tricks for the past ten minutes): you WILL let me hit it in your dorm
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They should let adults join spelling bees if they have ADHD or a drinking problem
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If a guy is down bad he’ll drink four beers and post “who won’t me” at 1:31 AM. If a girl is down bad she’ll start posting shit like “we need to bring back Beauty”
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Shawty this beat goes crazy as hell! You mind if i kiII myself in front of you?
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1997 Daft Punk: [sounds of an old betamax eating a tape mixed with a german porn soundtrack for 9:08]
2013 Daft Punk: 🎶it’s the soul of the boogie🎶
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It’s crazy how ambulances are just doing that for attention
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Lesbians: i’m interesting in dating a girl 4 years younger than me :/ am i a pedophile :/
Gay men: this is my 12 year old boyfriend Myke
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Beware the neurodivergent homie who tries to sync up his actions to the music playing....even ten seconds of Smack My Bitch Up has been shown to be dangerous
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Anthony Bourdain: My wife is a rapist. She stole my money to hush up her sex crimes despite being a leader of the MeToo movement. I don't think I can live with myself anymore
VyvanseRachel: Depression is so important. This is why its okay to ghost your friends some times
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ME: and here we see the trans girl posting “i‘m a dude.” What do you think we should do?
CHASER PADAWAN: Disengage, master?
ME: (laughing like Yoda) quite the opposite,
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Getting blackout drunk and DMing a mildly controversial twitter girl “oussup”, then waking up to find that a photo of my front porch has become the new joke format of the day
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Pulling my pants all the way down to jack off at the urinal
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[pop song from 2009]
chorus: put your hands up in the club / if you know what’s what / tonight its goin down / girl lets turn the world around
Lil Wayne guest verse: it's the martian in this bitch / i'm crappin on your shit / get ass from smart shawties / S-A-T on my dick
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Having a cop touches fentanyl reaction to putting on a condom
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The way those frog twitter guys talk about needing an autistic gf disgusts me... {forgetting to switch to alt} {dming hot schizophrenic girl} I can protect you from the CIA
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Only types of articles that exist anymore:
- I Inherited My Family’s Child Sex Ring. This Is My Story
- Sending Me Photos of Garlic and Wooden Stakes Is The New Frontier of Online Racism
- Why Piss Play Belongs at Chuck E. Cheese
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Tabbing over to really gross BDSM porn so a girl doesn’t see the photoshop i’m working on of me riding a Steelix
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so excited for when Henry Kissinger dies. i don't care about war crimes or anything i just love reading annoying twitter posts
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(Listening to a German band from the 70s play the most frightening thing imaginable over and over again for 15 minutes) why dO women listen to Phoebe Bridges and not this stuff
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Ending my cover letter with “everyone leaves me anyways...”
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Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Is Levitating Fifty Feet Above The Exact Center of The Pacific Ocean
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red scare fan gf: i think that the issue with transsexuals is the lack of erotic sophistication. i think that transitioning should create its own space in which eroticism can be explored and refined
me (getting my prostate absolutely caved in): mhm.
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39 y/o boss with kids {pointing at the most average looking blonde woman in existence}: look at her. wouldn't you love to get a piece of that?
me {convulsing}: I Would Love to Go Sexual Style On Her Tonight
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Shawty you seem downright sociopathic. And for that, I have written you the most beautiful Poem
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Sucking on my uncut gf’s dick like i’m a dog trying to get a treat out of one of those balls
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Twitter has changed a lot in the past ten years but its nice to know that there will always be hot girls posting selfies with the caption “tell me what you want...” and guys quote tweeting that with “fourloko ouriginal recipe”
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“I’m not gonna make you normal. I’m gonna make you even crazier.” - The Twisted Therapist
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@Tasnyx
Drake: you know keep it sapphic girl / women love women / shy cloud fractals on the tv / reading Cath Mackinnon
Kanye [over choir singing "Jesus Loves Me" bass boosted 50x]: if you leave me i'll kiII myself
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I would love to get the delta variant from a beautiful woman
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5:37 PM: good to see you man
6:45 PM: damn that girl sounds crazy lol
1:03 AM: (watching Hydraulic Press Compilation 2021 MOST SATISFYING) i could probably survive that
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Accidentally texting my father “we all got that one homie whose perineum is sensitive af” and then sprinting up the stairs like the T-1000 to come out as having impostor syndrome before he can google anything
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(Trying to tell a girl i don’t mind that she’s trans) babe i don’t care how many chromosomes you got
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Demanding i represent myself at trial and then talking in a humble country lawyer voice to ask the charges be changed to “sensual harassment”
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Women tweeting: i’m a beautiful little honey bee....i need a man to abduct me
Women in real life: hello
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29.3k follower girl: Men should wear skirts and crop tops. Get on that fellas
Guy who will be going to jail soon (quote tweeting): Absolutely queen {attaches JPEG of what appears to be the Slenderman dressed like a sickly Victorian child}
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David Byrne: i’m not talking! / yes i’m not talking! / i’m not talking to girls girls girls girls! oough! Ah!
James Murphy: I tried to play Pere Ubu at a party and everyone kicked my ass
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Patrolling around the lipstick section of Walgreens like a Skyrim NPC and you can see a little exclamation point pop up over my head when a girl starts reaching for the black colors
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White he/they who crosses the street when he sees black people: kink at Pride is serving looks y’all. Queer dommes are serving looks on period
Mildly gender dysphoric “guy” with crippling fears of intimacy: halt! You deviant, and consider the Children...
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You’re looking fertile as hell homie. You got them child bearing hips and everything {remembering my roommate is in earshot} {changing up my voice} you’re being ridiculous, man
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There are 3 types of chasers. The first are 65 year old veterans who reply to porn stars with “simply divine...” The second are guys named
@Kyle_MovieFan
who use the emergency hugs gif more than most types of punctuation. And the third, well, {tenting fingers}
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Danny Elfman songs in 1981: i am a pedophile and an imp
Danny Elfman songs in 1985: i am “Mr. Bones” the party skeleton
Danny Elfman songs in 2015: here is the Fifty Shades soundtrack Mr. Weinstein sir
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Guy going through it: {after one gas station tallboy}: yeah i’m probably like a Kinsey 1.5 or whatever. Idk
Girl going through it: retweeting the account “FertiltyGoddess” posting vaguely homophobic word salad
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{approaching a woman} {roofying my own drink} this is so you know i’m trustworthy
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The article (by starving freelancer): Here is what dating is like after a mastectomy
The title (by editor who sold their soul): If You Don’t Like Women With One Breast, You Might Have Toxic Masculinity
The reply (by teenager w/ bad skin, Nagatoro avi): Kek! 3D women stay losing
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Google search on beer: naked lady no clouthes beautiful sex
Google search on weed: cna my landlord see my search history (5 minutes later) nearby salt lick
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When Olivia Rodrigo sent those secret signals commanding me to steal a vial out of a laboratory in Wuhan and then report myself to the nearest Mossad agent...I felt that 🙌
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@laserboat999
JOE ROGAN: so uh. Donda. is this about like, the way cancel culture is affecting us?
KANYE: I Been Thinking That There's Something Wrong With The Number 7
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@bobo_circus
Mildly abusive 36 y/o YA fan gf (they/she): did you see that Ben Shapiro got ratio’d by AOC today? She whips ass.
Me (skinny jeans cutting off 60% of circulation): i think god lost and Angel when he let you leave Heaven...
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People make fun of me for how many women i follow on here but i promise i follow more in real life
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Male sexpest: show me your tits bitch. I know where you live
Female sexpest: {attaching the most sexually graphic image of all time} i love your favorite band ❤️
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Dude do not send a winky face to that girl. You will be sinping and down bad. Here {yanking the phone away from him} follow my lead {typing “I’ll probably be dead soon anyways”
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{putting my arm around crying woman on the street} so....the big 3-0, huh....
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Need mean mentally ill older gf...{realizing in reality this would give me permanent brain damage and would lead to my death at age 29} {deleting tweet} {asking my most motherly homie if everything is going to be okay
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My synthesia makes me understand music theory on such a deep level. If i hear a diminished chord i kiII myself
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(Drake texting the group chat) omgg...they playing one of my songs over the laser tag speakers 🙈
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(Texting 5% bisexual friend) i’m gonna need you to leave teeth marks on my thighs (texting lesbian friend) cheuk out this band👇
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*whispering to date when Chappie appears onscreen* you’re about to be on the news
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My Jewish friend saw a poster for KIKI’S DELIVERY SERVICE and panicked that it said
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Mens’ google searches:
- Active supervolcanoes 2021
- does pizza go bad if i leave it in the trash
Woman’s’ google searches:
- competitive gaslighting
- most sexual pediatricians in my area
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Making a beeline to the hot schizo girl at a party and saying “is it just me or does it feel like we’re being watched?”
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DMing all the mutuals i'm pretty sure have me muted "i consider you one of my closest friends"
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Me: i think i need some snatch from a dyed hair, nonbinary...bitch named like....Espeon. A real Steven Universe type bitch
Mother figure: does this mean i have to buy anything
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{sitting w/ legs crossed and tented fingers} i think you fail to appreciate the gravity of the situation, Mr. Bond. {i uncross my legs and i have a dog’s penis}
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I have very intense orgasms when i put things in my ass. I think its my synesthesia
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quote tweets on photo of trans person with enough money to fast-track transition:
@Sophie_Thee_Gorl
: OMG just destroy me!
@nonthreatening_Jacob
: i am looking respectfully 👀
@KineticRapist
: i could easily defeat you in aikido
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{under women posting a photo of her wearing flare pants to her 100.7k followers} nice mirror lol!! {starts crying
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i think the CIA killed Michael Jackson for telling too many dangerous truths in Black or White
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Uploading a selfie with a self-deprecating caption that I delete in 11 minutes and then DMing a supermodel “how do you deal with anxiety”
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Depression: you’ll never get better
Anxiety: you’re always fucking things up
Guy friend who i’ve been making dumber for the past seven years: My worm straight up disrespectful that shit be up in her guts interrupting the teacher 💯
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Getting tired of these Drake jokes already...ugh i’m so ironing poisoned, (48 hours later, to slightly chubby girl with league of legends macbook background) drake that type of fella who says “jinx! You owe me a soda”
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Lyft driver notices i’m adjusting my pants too much after the Nicki Minaj song comes on
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ProzacRachel: {w/ attached hot selfie} can i have a movie recommendation for tonight? 🥺
me: {autism kicking in} have you checked out Von Sternberg’s work with Marlene Dietrich? {hitting send} {realizing how horny i look} {quote tweeting the same post} You Are Un Funny As Crap
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Sending a girl a weepy multiple paragraph apology text about something she doesn’t even remember at 3:35 AM and within seconds of her responding with “haha dw” i send a photo of my ass
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The radio has gotta be the number one place to hear the last third of a song you think is basically okay, and then listen to the most annoying human alive talk about a racist car dealership
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Girl tells me what her favorite song is so i start playing an instrumental version on my bluetooth speakers and freestyle over it
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Yooo found a new type of guy who just dropped! 😂😂😂 [mp4 of footage a homeless schizophrenic having a psychotic episode on the train]
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Sorry babe we can’t have sex tonight. There were to many condoms at the store and i got kind of overwhelmed
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Hey man I like your girlfriend and all but her name is the same as someone i kind of disliked back in 2018. Do you think she’ll mind changing it?
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Autism be damned that boy got a pussy that stay wet with the fan on! {33 y/o cartoons fan gf gets mad at me} You’ll notice i was trans inclusive ,
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{locking eye contact w/ the CVS cashier as I buy some condoms called like Pussy Splitter For Her Pleasure} I’m Sorry
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