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@bloodyfibber1
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Has anyone tried going to where Jay Slater went missing and shout out his name REALLY loud?
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Walking through Shawlands there on a mild afternoon.
Dungarees, beanies and moustaches seem to be the preferred style here in the Southside.
No-one suits a moustache unless you are a member of Dexys Midnight Runners or in the IRA.
Or yer maw.
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My nephew is off on a road trip with his mates to Auckland for his first gig.
On the family WhatsApp chat he asked me for tips.
I said don't buy ekkies in the venue, smuggle your own in,
and don't finger anyone in a portacabin, it's not worth the infection.
I've been removed.
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One empty seat at the Christmas table today but I will endeavour to reenact the memory of my departed Mother-in-Law by downing pints of Martini and Irn Bru whilst drunkenly reminding everybody that I want to get fingered by Ally McCoist.
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Was in a Shawlands charity shop this morning.
"Can I please purchase the Prince Charles and Lady Diana ashtray in the window display?"
"That's a trinket box sir"
"Not anymore."
£4 well spent.
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I was right, Goat Tits said our house is now booze free.
I asked for an amnesty for All Black games and Celtic v Rangers games.
She agreed.
"When is the next All Blacks game?" she asked.
"Saturday"
"When is the next Celtic v Rangers game?"
"Sunday"
A long sigh and pursed lips...
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On this day 26 years ago I gubbed a duo of ecktos, and accidentally spilled a pint of Stout over my wifes wedding dress as I was preparing to perform my signature breakdance move, the Dolphin Dive in front of our bemused guests.
Happy anniversary Goat Tits. ❤️
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Had a bit of a blow out last night.
There's a chance Goat Tits will get home from hospital today if her MIR scan is OK.
I can already hear her first words "Right, things are going to change around here, I've had a bit of a scare, nae mair smoking and drinking in the hoose"
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That's my t-shirt back from the dry cleaners just in time for tomorrow.
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@BraidenGB
Gilmour Street Station Paisley 20 years ago I was sitting waiting for a train.
A bloke next to me was steaming eating chips, Pigeons waiting for scraps.
A train pulled up, doors opened, he threw the rest of his chips into the carrage, 20+ Pigeons flew in, doors closed.
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A duo of Scotch pies lounging under a significant bukkake of Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodles.
In a Pyrex bowl.
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@redders980
Pretty difficult when the UK search party has a Mojito in each hand.
A valid suggestion though.
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I was showing off in front of my 3 year old Grandson and had 5 plates of curry and scoffed 6 pints of lager at a Cosmo buffet yesterday.
My Grandson didn't give a fuck.
The wee wank.
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I got drunk last night and said some bad things about people.
Had some nasty backlash, therefore my tweets have been deleted.
I apologise to Brian O'Driscoll, H from Steps, Neil Young and Coriander.
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Never taking the kids to the Santa grotto in Darnley ever again.
Wouldn't recommend.
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Happy new year troops.
I'm off to bed so I can get up and have a few Voddies at 11.30 for a three hour Stuart Broad documentary special on TNT Sports.
All the best for you and your family.
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They used to send the unwanted from Britain to Sydney, look at Sydney now.
I'm looking forward to my Grandson enjoying a gap year on the piss in Kigali City in Rwanda in 20 years time.
Fuck the Tories and Fuck Coriander.
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On this day in 1997 Michael Hutchence wanked himself into another realm.
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Cheers for all the DMs and stuff over the weeks, shows Twitter isn't a complete bin fire.
You're all good cunts.
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Weirdly enough, Steve Albini attended my 30th birthday shindig in Sleazys 22 years ago.
We also had a beverage in Characters pub in Pollokshaws the same day.
A bit of a long story but he was a great bloke.
RIP.
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Going up the stairs for a piss and I'm greeted by the Young Houthi Team from Barrhead.
They got a McDonald's delivered in exchange for my life.
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Goat Tits Nan died and we took over her flat here in Pollokshaws Towers.
Her husband passed a good few earlier.
He was given a clover plant as a retirement present.
I've kept it alive for 25 years.
It's at leat 40 years old now.
It's my hobby, my obsession.
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Happy Fathers Day to Big Norm.
He taught me how to snare "those fucking Seagulls" with fishing nylon, catch a multitude of Eels with a single swoop of a digger, siphon fuel from the neighbours tractor and that liking The Smiths was "a bit gay, but that's OK son."
He is some man.
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Here's a photo of Bob Marley signed and dedicated to my daughter Marley by the photographer Kim Gottlieb-Walker who is taking the pic in the background.
One love!
#BobMarley
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@StevieBhoy1985
Absolutely not.
I go to gigs myself because sometimes I need it.
My wife prefers company and goes on holiday with her mates.
She usually returns pregnant but apparently the Prosecco and swimming amongst the boys in the pool does that.
She has the worst luck .
She's very fertile.
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That's me off until the 4th.
I will be mostly studying the works of the poet Andrew Fagen, mastering the C
#m7b5
on the guitar and drinking boxed red wine whilst returning sectarian slurs to the bastards upstairs.
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I nominated INXS as one of the top 20 live albums ever released.
Let's rig this hipster chin-stroking poll and vote yes.
I'll buy you all a pint at the next Climie Fisher gig.
🗳️ 20 GREATEST LIVE ALBUMS - VOTING PARTY No 8🗳️
🎼 Live Baby Live
🎸 INXS
📅 Released November 1991
Q Is Live Baby Live by
@INXS
one of the 20 Greatest Live Albums ever released?
#20greatestlivealbums
#PollOfTheDay
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Picked out my particularly straight, no sense of humour sister-in-law in the family secret santa this year.
Really hope she likes her Back To The Future bedside table lamp.
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That's the Chapel bells ringing informing everybody that the off- licence is open for business.
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So far on my way to work it's been hoodie on, Taps aff, Jacket on, Taps aff again, snow shoes on, hoodie on, snorkel on, Taps aff again.
Rinse and repeat.
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My nephew in NZ is a tattooist and has been trying to tattoo my Mum for years.
My Mum is mad as a hatter and is seriously considering this.
I've been trying to her she'll regret it.
Surely it's her job to tell me I'll regret a tattoo?
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Purposely drinking excessively tonight so I'm so rough tomorrow I couldn't even fathom having a bevvy until the Rugby World Cup final at 8pm tomorrow.
Tactics.
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This is going to leave a huge hole in the Benidorm entertainment industry.
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Watching the Cricket earlier and the pundits were waxing lyrical about the now deceased commentator Richie Benaud.
"One of the greatest, such a gentleman"
I met him after a game once and asked for his autograph.
"Fuck off you cunt" was his reply.
I was 10 years old.
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Goat Tits is taking me out to Glasgow tomorrow after my hospital appointment for something to eat and a new woolly jumper because I'm a brave wee soldier (and I dropped a huge hash hot rock on my other good jumper.)
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@SlenderSherbet
My Dad just finished laying the new driveway and saw John, our cat was was walking towards it.
He threw a shovel to scare the cunt away, and accidentally chopped Johns head off.
I was 5 years old.
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I'm going to miss the Cricket World Cup final tomorrow due to plans made months ago.
Goat Tits said "Just record it and watch it on Sunday, you're hardly going to find out the result during a Mogwai gig in the middle of Glasgow."
You know what?
For once she might be right.
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Today I was preparing the glass for the telly programme The Cube, and will be continuing to do so in the forthcoming weeks.
16.8 Laminated for those that are interested.
A welcome wee change from Snow Leopard etc enclosure for London Zoo.
Sign some cunt Celtic.
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Looks like the Malbec I poured before I fell asleep on the couch has become my breakfast wine...
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Today I will be consuming countless cans of Monster energy drinks, hanging about ankle-tapping strangers down the four corners in Glasgow, then go for a few pints of Snakebite before attending the Sisters of Mercy pop concert at the Barrowlands.
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Concierge just came up with an empty Hermes box addressed to me.
Found it alongside 4 other empty delivery boxes from our building.
Hope the cunt that's stole it has a blast giving it a whirl because I'll find him.
It was a fucking Bugle.
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I've been here long enough to have bought tobacco off the IRA.
At least then you knew where the money was going.
Buying off Russians is a different kettle of fish.
Hope I'm not funding a drone that's going to blow the arms off some bedridden granny in her wee apartment in Dnipro
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He approached Joe Hart excitedly and asked for his autograph.
Joes reply?
"Fuck off you spooky wee cunt"
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Just attended the unveiling of a stained glass window of John Maclean.
Although I can't remember this scene in the movie, it is a beautiful piece of art.
Fuck I wish I never attended in cosplay.
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That's the Chapel bells ringing out to let everyone know that the corner shop is now selling wine.
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Today I got into a fight in a tattoo shop, got drunk on milk stout in a hipster bar and just finished some chicken pakora on ceaser salad.
Pornograpy then a kip.
A great day.
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My Grandson just told me he saw a peado at nursery.
"What?"
"Yeah, I took it outside into the garden"
It was a beetle.
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My backshift team is decimated tonight.
A few colleagues phoned in sick.
Amongst various flu and food poisoning, one guy got bitten by an adder and his leg has become infected, another had to have an emergency lumber puncture this morning and his back is still sore...
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A post on our family chat today.
Norm is my Dad in New Zealand, he has advanced dementia and has never known or met my nephew Elijah in Glasgow.
Bonnie is my maw.
It is indeed Elijhas 3rd birthday today.
I'm beginning to think my old man is 'at it'.
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Got a message from my mate in California.
He's a mad cunt.
28 years ago we stole a Pontic in LA and did a Mexico road trip.
The highlight was packs of cigarettes for 25 cents.
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I've never knowingly listened to a Taylor Swift song, and just because she mentions The Blue Nile in the lyrics of one of her new songs I'm still not going to bother.
I figure she's not my thing.
Anyway, here's Bic Runga covering Tinseltown In The Rain.
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Currently watching a New Zealand cooking competition.
I said to Goat Tits "Everytime someone says Awesome you owe me a pound"
After episode 2 I can now afford a 2 bedroom flat in Shawlands.
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Backshift on the glass furnace.
Cooking glass on a Friday night is no way near as fun as cooking meth on a Friday night...
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That's the circles you move in when your parents invest money in their childrens education.
A Lawyer, a Doctor, a Phsycologist and a backshift factory hand in Rutherglen.
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