Amy
@bitter_german
Followers
7,067
Following
4,503
Media
842
Statuses
19,410
Thought validation #ENTP born old. heathen. tall. I think about all the thoughts. it’s 2024 now but 1984 soon. NOT the zodiac killer. Candy connoisseur.
Fair Oaks, CA
Joined September 2014
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Next time I see a crying teenager I’m going to hug them and tell them it only gets worse.
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In 100 years your great great grandkids will post Kim Kardashian photos with Neil Degrasse Tyson quotes credited to her.
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I can’t believe boomers fed us pop tarts then expected us to do well in life.
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It would be super helpful to white people if urban dictionary added expiration dates on slang words.
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That kid that fucked up your order at taco bell has 77k followers.
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If you like common sense wait until you hear about critical thinking.
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The only people who don’t think 40 year olds look 40 are other 40 year olds.
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I want to see aliens but I don’t want to be the girl who says she saw aliens.
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I need a tweet to go viral so I can comment below it with a link to my business and I also need a business.
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I need to learn how to play the harmonica so I can let people know from a distance that I'm sad.
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Sorry to hear your internet relationship with a married stranger didn't work out.
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I feel bad for those of you who haven't experienced the joy of watching the neighbors Goth kids do yard work.
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In 1992 I found 10 bucks floating in the wave pool at water world and have been chasing that feeling my whole life.
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I pulled a knife on a river trail rapist and won the 30 second stare down.
Tell me a story about yourself the sounds like a lie but is absolutely true.
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Retweet if you are super dead inside and only make funny jokes to avoid discussing your emotional state.
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If you regularly stay up past midnight in your 30’s you’re a serial killer.
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Ozzy looks like that one mom who’d buy her kids and their friends beer.
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Friendly reminder to gamers that it’s probably time to wash your sheets.
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@THR
They’ll drop her but who will play her on the lifetime movie about the big college admission scam ?
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Sundays are the best because all the psychopaths are busy at church.
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I just took a huge Trump.
See what I did there? Lets make that a thing.
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I barely like life and yet here I am taking vitamins to extend this shit show.
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I delete all my bad tweets because I have no children and this is my fucking legacy.
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I strongly recommend getting a little stoned and figuring your life out.
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I never get cool sex dreams just boring old building a deck with my landlord dreams.
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The full house episode where Becky and Jessy lie to get their twins into a prestigious preschool didn’t age well.
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Fun story
My dad spent a night in jail for assaulting two guys with a bowl of spaghetti for continuously cat calling my mom.
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Everyone on a greyhound bus is either going to commit a crime or coming home from committing a crime.
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A hair day so good that you hope you witness a crime and have to talk about it on the news.
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I’m starting to think that typing words on my phone isn’t helping further the evolution of humanity.
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Maybe I’ll go gluten free so I’ll have something to talk about. Constantly.
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You could probably trick a white girl into a van with some essential oils.
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My dad checking my covid shot arm with a magnet to see if I’m now magnetic.
Totally normal stuff
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First day on the low carb diet and I’m ready to eat candy off the bathroom floor at a gas station.
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I envy those who get a release of dopamine by simply posting some generic inspirational quote they didn't write.
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Canada is just like America if America had a better childhood.
Canada is basically my old neighbor Ashley who had a tv in her room and parents who loved her.
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You know you’re depressed when you sleep with your arm hanging off the bed in ghost/demon/ territory.
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I'm at my most owned when the cat watches me clean his shit from the cat box.
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If you are funny you don't have to pretend to like sports to impress men.
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Working on my harmonica skills so those around me can both hear and feel my depression.
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Here’s my 89 year old grandma hustling a discount on a refrigerator worth more than my car in a KISS tee shirt.
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So I stopped eating candy and lost 11 pounds or another way of looking at it is I eat 11 pounds of candy a month.
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I selfishly overpaid by 5 bucks at a kids lemonade stand just to see what childlike happiness looks like again. I highly recommend it.
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Just saw the most romantic IBS medication commercial where this young couple start to thrive in their relationship despite her crippling diarrhea disease.
Love is so beautiful.
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Moist is a fine word and you’re all a bunch of dorks for pretending you hate it.
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2015 wasn't so bad, it's not like we found out most Americans want Donald Trump to be the next president or something.
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This really disproves my theory about getting really cut and in shape in prison if I was ever sent there.
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Make sure to call your daughters princesses so they can grow up to be a nightmare to be around as an adult.
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I’m a year and a half clean from Taco Bell.
Still a part time drunk but whatever.
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I can't watch porn because I don't think they really love each other.
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