🦋بيتا
@bitajoudaki
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TV writer, comedian….Hire me… or else.
Joined March 2011
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Pinned Tweet
I put the “BITA” in “the world is becoming less HABITABLE”
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In a way, aren’t we all stuck between a sex shop and a crematorium????
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Hi Canadian friends posting only about anti-Black racism in America. Canada is also racist. Canada is anti-Black. Please direct some of that rage to your own backyard. Support Black Canadians now and beyond this moment.
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Rob Schneider is one of my biggest comedic influences. That's why I suck and I'm not funny.
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Please allow me to brag and say that after 7 years of applying I just got my first Canada Arts Council grant to make a short film. It's just like that classic saying: If at first you don't succeed.......try every year for 7 years!
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Woohoo! Got Telefilm funding to write a horror film about ~white women~ You’re welcome to tell me to eat shit in the comments!
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So excited to post my directoral debut. This idea came to me when I was drinking and driving ❤️
Pedestrian safety is a two-way street. What pedestrians and drivers can do to make our roadways safer
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Hello I wrote this
“White men are the problem” says white woman who is also the problem
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I wrote
White supremacist organization clears white supremacist of white supremacy
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me: I went to film school
person: What's your favourite movie?
me: Miss Congeniality
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I wrote it!
Kamala Harris promises more BIPOC representation in US prison population
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one day I will respond to a job rejection with “good luck, bitch”
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This is a really hard time for me because my dad is a billionaire cop 😞
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Did you hear about that guy who got his ribs removed so that he can suck his own ribs ?
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I'm equal parts terrified and excited. Thank you
@tarawoodbury
and Netflix for including me in this program 😭
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MFA stands for
Making my way downtown walking
Fast, faces pass
And I’m homebound
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Yeah I like A24…..A 24 hour drugstore walking distance from my home
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Who would even WANT to perform at Vancouver Theatresports??? A horrible organization with decades of noted racism and misogyny. And don’t forget the rapist they still allow to teach and perform there. They constantly get called out and NEVER change. Fuck VTSL.
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why does every Canadian Conservative Party leader look like a character from the Simpsons who would be mean to Homer
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I’m a simple girl. I only need 12 hours of sleep and then 3 hours of lounging before I’m ready to face the day
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This movie fails the Baruchel test because it doesn’t have Jay Baruchel in it 😔
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I feel like you can either have kids or you can have a really, really, really fun life
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Anytime I do my taxes I’m like well I have no idea what I’ve done here and I could be going to jail
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Guys I bombed so hard tonight someone was like “are you ok???” after I got off stage 😭😭😭😭
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My parents sacrificed everything so that I can come to Canada and be in an improv troupe in my 30s
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"Cancon" this, "Cancon" that. Why don't you CAN it so I CON watch all this great Canadian content
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save the restaurant industry just not any of the restaurants I’ve ever worked in ❤️
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Comedians used to be like "why can't I swear and talk about sex on stage" Now they're like "why can't I use hate speech and tell people not to get vaccinated"
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If I’m ever pranked on a prank show I’m killing myself on the spot. Who’s laughing now
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Thank god the soup that took me three hours to make is also disgusting
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My friends all got their films into TIFF and I wrote a tweet about a guy sucking his own dick. We all have our own artistic journeys❤️
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I can’t get over Israel committing apartheid crimes against Palestinians and then tweeting like a teen girl. So fucking bizarre
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Canadian media companies are like "We bravely decided to work with BIPOC creators this year❤️"
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getting COVID from an open mic I bombed at will be my villain origin story
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If I moved my Zoom frame even one centimetre, you would be completely devastated at what you saw
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If Titanic happened today the lookout guy would say “Iceberg, deadass!”
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what’s the point of having white friends if none of them invite you to their cottages ?????
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I’m crows
Crows not only hold grudges, they tell their friends and family about them.
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Canadian media companies are like “our all white staff think Black lives matter❤️”
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Children Ruin Everything is premiering tonight! This was the first half hour I got to write on and (sorry to be sincere on main) was a dream come true! Please watch! This season is VERY funny!
Children Ruin Everything is back for Season 3! Three kids means three times the chaos💥🍼 Don’t miss the season premiere on Wednesday, September 27th at 9/8:30mt on CTV.
@childrenruin_tv
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Me at the audition: “Yes, I will do full frontal nudity”
Casting director: “ok this is a commercial for an internet provider”
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Omg literally your only job is to be funny 😭😭😭😭 "irreverent and dangerous" please seek help
Comedians did not sign up to be your hero. It’s our job to be irreverent and dangerous, to question authority and take you through a spooky mental haunted house so you can arrive at your own conclusions. Stay focused on the people we pay taxes to to be moral leaders.
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thinking about the girl in my very pretentious video art class during undergrad who included a blooper reel after screening her work
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Christine and I wrote and directed an episode of this show! Woohoo!
@theonlybortolin
The Slowest Show is now streaming. You should check it out. No rush though. Take your time, seriously.
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Should have used comic sans
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The lady at the sushi restaurant thinks my name is Pizza and I’m not going to correct her
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Thinking of coming out to my roommates as a comedian.......I have lived here for three years
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Me, absolutely starving, haven't eaten in 10 hours: well, i guess it's time to go the grocery store to get ingredients for the recipe that takes 3 hours to make
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at this summer camp I went to when I was a teen there were two girls both named Kelly. To differentiate, people called one of them "hot Kelly" and the other one was just "Kelly"
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i am starving. perfect time to go to the grocery store... delirious with hunger... and buy a bunch of crazy shit to make dinner with. This task will take me four hours and dinner will be disgusting
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Finished the vomit draft of my first feature script. It sucks and it's not funny but.......she is done.
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today I told my dad I was sad and he had the best advice! He said “don’t be sad” ❤️
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Everyone always asks me is Vancouver more beautiful or Toronto? It’s hard to say! On the one hand, Vancouver has mountains and the ocean. On the other hand, Toronto has a huge lake that you have to test for E.coli before you go in
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Yes I’m a filmmaker. No I haven’t watched any of the Oscar nominated films. Yes I am watching the new Jackass tonight
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Tonight’s episode of
#ChildrenRuinEverything
was written by comedy icon
@SmeatonPotatoes
and….me! It’s my first prime time TV credit! I’m proof that girls who don’t read can write tv ❤️
Who doesn’t love some thoroughly planned-out spontaneity to keep things fresh?
An ALL NEW episode of
#ChildrenRuinEverything
Season 3 airs tonight at 9/8:30mt on
@ctv
.
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I love my 23 year old spin instructor telling me to let go of what doesn’t serve me
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is it funny when i clear plates from customers tables i say "yoink"
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“Ok so I brought a guillotine but I got it off Amazon. Is that bad?” -me, during the class war
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After giving mindfulness a try, I’ve decided to go with mindlessness instead ❤️
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Toronto ppl, Beck taxi has an app that works just like Uber or Lyft. You can pay before you get in with a credit card and it’s usually cheaper/the same price than those other apps
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If titanic happened today, that song would be called “my heart will go off”
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Rule number one for white boy summer should be “wear sunscreen!!!!!”
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Sometimes I think it’s time to settle down and start having kids and other times I think it’s time to try ketamine
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Stand up comedy is brave enough to ask what if the dumbest person you know gets to hold a microphone
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Debasing myself with the boys once again
Can you believe we're still putting out all-time great episodes? Well, we are thanks to this week's guest
@bitajoudaki
.
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I’m so old when I try to dab I look like a very ill woman from the 1800s who is about to faint
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I think I would make a fortune if I opened up a grocery store whose main thing was “we sell realistically sized bundles of herbs”
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Practicing spirituality by buying a lot of things and just trusting that the universe will bring me more money ❤️
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this is what being a girl is like
Half deflated Hello Kitty balloon floating across the ground
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#BellLetsTalk
about how you exploit incarcerated people and their loved ones by over charging them for phone calls. And about how incarcerated people can’t call cellphones of loved ones either. What about the mental health of our most vulnerable?
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writing kids TV is mostly me asking myself "is this joke too dark?" and the answer is always yes
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Now that I’m double vaxxed I don’t have to wash my hands anymore 😎
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Should I buy this bejewelled hat or should I seek treatment for my depression
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Comedy shows are like “We took some pictures! Feel free to use!” and its 1000 photos where I look like this
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, the CDC recommends still wearing a mask if you’re ugly
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the sexual tension between me and anyone who is kind of nice to me
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