Heather Jewett
@bimbosummit
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Planet Heather Podcast👇 Leave a VM: 323-FRY-A-FAG
Los Fefe, California
Joined April 2010
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Sometimes reading a book it’s like damn is there anything you WON’T describe
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Whenever u ask the most drug addled, sex crazed, brink of death party monster what they do for work they’re like, “i’M a nAnNy!!!”
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Why is every book called "all the missing girls" and every men's denim brand called like "Theory of chaos"
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Why does every landlord/ building mgr write exactly like this
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I would kill my whole family for a seat at this table
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I wonder when I ll drink my first glass of water of 2020 🤔
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I’ll never forget when I was so anxious about a recent ex I went to a party and thought a potted fern was … him
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I am on Day 11 of an errand that takes other people 5 minutes
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Looked up the guy I hooked up with in 2003 who ate ALL of his c*m and had a “born to rock” tattoo across his stomach. He’s a doctor
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Walking down the street i heard someone say “YAAAASSS” and I just started running
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what I miss most about pre social media is the absolute nirvana of completely forgetting someone exists
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i want to wear a dog cone out on the streets so everyone knows im not all right
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Holy shit !!! This guy on Hinge works AT Dunder Mifflin ?!?!?????
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just laughed out loud at a Progressive Insurance commercial … this Wellbutrin is CLEAN
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Whenever young ppl say Omg you have to meet this person they're amazing I meet them and they're an alcoholic
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not the guy i'm D*ting offering me fentanyl test strips after i told him i hang out w gay guys...
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Nothing bothers me more than a BIG, mixed gender, straight friend group… what is it about that ..?
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LOLLLL the dentist said insurance will only cover cleaning 8 teeth /if I want my whole mouth it’s $600 AHHHH HAHA I’m not joking 😂😂😂
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I’m not suicidal anymore but when I visit the Thelma and Louise cliff in Utah next month, I might just have to do it for the gram 😎🤘🚗🚀
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I check who’s watching my Instagram stories like a war wife looking out the window
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STOP
RAISING
ONE EYEBROW
ON DATING APP PICS
YOU
CUCK
ASS
BITCH
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“I’m just trying to make the world a better place” ok so you’re reeeallly mean
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The real drama about alison romans stew is that Julian Casablancas had no-nonsense notes a year ago
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literally everyone I know is dating the same guy. where are you ppl finding these glasses, 325 followers, stubble men who quietly do graphic design and arent alcoholics
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Yes, “view recipe”. Why exactly the FUCK do you think I’m here ???
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Goddammit 😫😫 wish I could find a guy to talk to me about mezcal 😩 I feel like it’s smoky but I can’t be sure 😫 HELP 🤯🤯
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Can I bring a full blown rotisserie chicken to the gym ? 🤔
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Who ARE you people who *NEED* to dine IN!!!!! at like... FRED 62?!?!
GET
LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111
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It’s literally adorable when people reschedule their events for like, May 2021
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missing LA...what I wouldn’t give to be at some sort of Hinge x Doordash x Whiteclaw immersive pop up held inside a former Borders
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@personallyrich
What’s xtra wild is that this was NOT The same man who confessed to murder onstage at the Hollywood hotel mic
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Checked in on a distant ex’s ex for the first time in forever on IG… what can I say, the bitch still loves ducks
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If I ever saw video footage of me having sex, I would kill myself immediately
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When a documentary begins with the typed out dictionary definition of a word? well BUCKLE UP, STUPID!!!!!
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i seriously can't believe you're getting divorced after you had all those mason jars at your wedding
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My grandma's style of emailing is terrifying and exhilarating
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My million dollar idea: the return of loosies but w/a modern reframe. Subscription boxes of small amounts of cigs for the very occasional smoker. you can order 1, 4, or 8 cigs a month...
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some say being a mom is the most magical experience a woman can have, but what abt shotputting a ragged 10-yr old thong into a public trash bin
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Do u remember when u first got called iconic & thought it meant something / then the same person said it about like imitation crab
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If you call him your "partner" but his name's JOSH? Sorry...but he's your boyfriend
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No offense but .. a lot of ppl who brag about still being in their 20s...I thought you were 38
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JUST GOT CARDED ON MY 40TH BDAY 🎸🎸🎸🎸🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🥂🥂🥂😍😍😍😍
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offered someone some cake I made n they replied “I don’t eat stuff like that” okkk wellll burn in hell bitch 😎
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@calebsaysthings
i saw the biggest bullies of my generation posting infographics telling me to love myself
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Is one of the booster side effects buying a Dress at CVS
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who did ppl think was running twitter before.... Meals on Wheels ?
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A guy from my college showed up to the class reunion hang one month early and was FB messaging everyone "I got a table!" 😢
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Hate the good/bad person discourse on here...
Sorry, but if you’re on Twitter, you’re not a good person 😘
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it's so cute when someone deletes all their posts, very angry 90s teen tearing down all the posters in their room
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I’ll never forget when a man got horny for me off the cartoon bikini body on my XL novelty t shirt
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I hate when a guy wears nail polish and then thinks he can hug you for a long time
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dreading the surge of sex positivity that will be unleashed by the vaccine
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stop saying you're "weirdly attracted" to crooked teeth that shit is like titties at this point
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if your job listing says you're looking for a "rock star" I hurt my finger closing the website
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3 decades on this website and I still have abt as many followers as a bottom tier open mic comic from reseda who moonlights as a registered sex offender ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Not me swiping left on a person with literally six months to live ...
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can't stop thinking abt the job interview 12 yrs ago where they said finish this sentence If it aint broke... and I said "Break it" 😔😎🤬🤮🥰
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And their “drama” is always just that one of the guys is “in love” with one of the girls… pack it up eeyore
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my fav parts by FAR are "champs" and just like a white winged dove
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Go off queen ... no really... go offline ... you're not well
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it's crazy that if i tried to a single one of those 'clapping' pushups i'd be permanently disfigured
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my question for literally all my acquaintances is: how are you in mexico ALL YEAR on the strength of only your burgeoning ironic pin business
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Hey guys welcome to my YouTube channel 🤪 it contains a rejected audition to play a monster, and my ex’s standup set filmed in almost total darkness in 2016
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Today’s headlines made me think of one of my favorite memes!
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I'd rather die than hear a person speak thoughtfully and intelligently about polyamory
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I’d rather die than know what a “serving” of hummus consists of
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I’d go full pussy hat if they did student loan forgiveness
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thinking about the person I met who was so non-binary they told me they didn’t have a NAME
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When u find out the most broken ho u know is training to be a therapist
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Just accidentally called a person I went on 2 dates with and never kissed “my ex”
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I want to be snatched and sad like Mary from selling sunset
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Already can’t cum a week into lexapro 😍 hell yeah let’s shut this whole thing DOWN 🤘🤘🤘
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I notice you started, yet did not complete, viewing my stories— and the piper WILL be paid.
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When u see 3 dudes out getting lunch together .. thats a No
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TSA made my pesto bismol ride solo in her own bin going thru the X-ray... very sad image
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Some rly atrocious tweets tonight including mine ... let’s hang it up for the nite friends ♥️
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