Bill Maher
@billmaher
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The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Los Angeles
Joined January 2009
If we ever want this nation to be not broken, both sides have to admit what they suck at.
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If this spike in trans children is all biological, why is it regional? Either Ohio is shaming them or California is creating them.
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Could ONE reporter ONE time say to Trump when he complains the press is negative and hostile (as he's doing right now), "Sir, its because you LIE and we have to report that. Don't lie and we won't be so "negative". ONCE please?.
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.@ElonMusk tweeted: "I'm buying Coca-Cola to put the cocaine back in." It's all fun and games Elon until Hunter Biden gets his head stuck in the vending machine.
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China is a dictatorship that, for decades, enforced a one child per family policy under penalty of forced sterilization. But they can't close down the farmer's market from hell? #CoronaVirus #WetMarkets
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Don't forget to set clocks back so we get an extra hour of laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering how everything turned to shit.
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It turns out for pedophiles in Hollywood, "It's A Small World After All."
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Why can’t Democrats learn to do what Republicans do and just repeat 1 point that seals your case, as: “You said Mexico wld pay for the wall”. just say that 1 thing and nothing else till this mess is over! What else needs to be said?.
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It's amazing how an election loss, even as big as this one, still doesn't put a dent in the thinking that lost it.
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If you're part of today's woke revolution, you need to study the part of revolutions where they spin out of control.
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Happy new year everybody! Jesus, is Trump still president? Its like waiting for a scab to fall off.
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Message to Trump voters: Vote Democrat, because as soon as this election is over, no one will give a shit about the caravan. But you'll still have diabetes.
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What's going on in NC, WI and MI is not getting nearly enough attention - this 'let's strip all of the Democrats' powers before they take office' - they never stop going lower. Media, do. your. fucking. job!!.
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I always enjoy coming to the #JoeRoganExperience and spending time with the great @JoeRogan.
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I see Twitter got made because Beto's wife didn't talk during his announcement. You're right, he's a sexist monster, we're better off with Trump. To my FarLeft friends: you're doing it again. Amy can talk or not, her call, but you need to shut the fuck up.
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Finally got to talk to the guest I've wanted to have on @HBO @RealTimers more than any other - Thank you, @ElonMusk!
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It was so bad on election night that Kamala called McDonald's to see if she could get her old job back.
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Before election, I told Trump voters, as soon as its over, the caravan will disappear from the news. see? And to the media (especially cable news) who say the caravan "has disappeared from the news" - you put it there! You are always doing Trump's bidding for him. #Enablers.
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All wars end with negotiation, but it's hard to negotiate when the other side's bargaining position is "you all die and disappear."
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A prez shld really check where his own country is in the rankings for literacy, infant mortality, life expectancy, infrastructure, income inequality, percentage of women in govt, etc before saying who's the shithole country. .
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Really? This is what the president of the United States does with his time?.
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When something bad happens, its not complete until Trump tweets something heartless and ignorant about it - it ain't over till the fat baby zings - so of course he's blaming our fires on tree huggers. Does he know Thousand Oaks is a town and not actually a thousand oaks?.
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Nothing captures what’s wrong with today’s “journalism” like the sad saga of what happened last week at The @WashingtonPost.
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As his speakership winds down and the U S posts "the widest Nov budget deficit on record" let's all reflect on the gutless, intellectual fraud that was Paul Ryans's career.
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I gotta give Trump this: he gives me a genuine LOL almost every day. "Xmas is back, bigger and better than ever." U can't write that kind of comedy. I know he's done a 1,000 crazier things, but taking credit for Xmas? That's a special kind of nuts.
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Tanks in the streets now? Shall we review the Dictator Checklist? You're a narcissist who likes to put his name on buildings. you appoint family members to key govt positions. your rallies are scary. you threaten to lock up political opponents. your friends are other dictators.
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If you’re a liberal who won’t buy a Tesla because you think @ElonMusk is a conservative now, that’s okay. Why don’t you get one of these:
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Well, they did it. Finally, someone had the courage to stand up for America's forgotten corporations. Jk - Fuck you, assholes, hope you choke on it.
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I feel like we've been invaded by a culture that doesn't share our values - Trump supporters. I long ago gave up asking "What would it take for them to turn. ?", but this McCain gracelessness, Jesus. MY hat says "Really? That's your guy?".
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So we find out now the lady who ran the massage parlor where Robert Kraft got caught is Trump's friend who sold access to. I can't. Trump is so dirty, he's even in this RubnTug scandal? I can't. I need a day off.
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What's the lesson of Afghanistan? Maybe it's that everyone from the giant dorm room bitch session that is the internet should take a good look at what real oppression looks like. #Wokeistan #WakeUpCall
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I can't wait for the indictment tomorrow - if its Jared or Don Jr. President Crazypants is gonna go nuts. I predict he will fling his feces.
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Glad another shitty week in America is over. What did we learn? You can't arrest someone for being mentally ill. You can't even impeach them.
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This is so sad. Debate? It just looks like the 2 old guys in the balcony on the muppets.
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If Trump thinks there's a caravan of angry brown people in Mexico, just wait till he sees the lines at the polls tomorrow.
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Hearing tales of furloughed govt workers who can't make basic payments after missing one or two paychecks is a reminder of our fucked up economy! These are supposed to be middle class jobs, but if you can't survive skipping one paycheck, that's not middle class!.
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George W Bush called several moderate senators this week to lobby for Kavanaugh. This is your monthly reminder that George W Bush was and is a terrible person.
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They say in politics, liberals are the gas pedal, and conservatives are the brakes, and I'm generally with the gas pedal, but not if we're driving off a cliff.
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“This idea of purity and you’re never compromised, and you’re always politically woke and all that stuff — you should get over that quickly.” -. @BarackObama #BlueRipple
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We may not be able to do much about the weather, but we do need a better plan for putting out a burning city than waiting for rain.
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"I think anyone who wants to have access to the nuclear codes should be willing to sit down and take questions." - @KaitlanCollins
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Labor Day has now turned into a day where the half that's doing OK has off and goes out to dinner and such, and the other half, for whom the holiday was intended, labors, because they can't turn down the money. That's America now, and the high cost of low living.
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Lock. Him. Up. Lock him up. Lock him up! Lock him up!! LOCK HIM UP!!!.
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Other than Trump’s ties to the American mob, the Russian mob,Russian hookers, the Kremlin,indicted co-conspirators,shady lawyers, tax evaders,fraudulent businesses, fake charities, bribes and porn stars. there’s no there there!!.
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Heard the word “tragedy” 100 times already about the school shooting - not really, by the classical definition: tragedy is fated and inevitable. This isn’t inevitable. This is America.
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What does it say when the president is allowed in public with toilet paper on his shoe? He has no friends. None. No one will tell him “you have snot on your face”. That’s next.
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Will those who called Hillary "lesser of 2 evils"admit how wrong u were? Muslim ban, Betsy DeVoss, Pruit, Perry in charge of nukes. please.
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Trump knows that when you turn up the fear mongering, his base votes. Unfortunately, when you turn it up a lot, they also start shooting and bombing. But hey, small price to pay when you got an election to win, right?.
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“This [pandemic] is going to be remembered by the younger generation as a catastrophic moral crime." -@BariWeiss
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Watching Trump sell his tax plan - 'I don't benefit, believe me' - I know I'm not supposed to call Trump fans stupid, but if you believe the lies of the world's most obvious, inveterate liar. what word should I use?.
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President Shit4Brains just never misses opportunity to do the wrong thing; how do U have such a high batting avg for Wrong? Practice I guess.
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Mitch McConnell says he believes #RoyMoore's accusers - shouldn't someone ask him why he doesn't believe Trump's?.
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If ignorance is a disease, Harvard Yard is the Wuhan wet market.
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Pls vote for Hillary today. Even if you don't like her, its necessary to block a dangerous lunatic ultimate power. #ThisTimeIsDifferent.
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How bad does this atmosphere we're living in have to get before the people who say cancel culture is overblown admit that it is in fact an insanity that is swallowing up the world? #WokeOlympics
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Really? The coffee guy wants to be president? Just because you had one profitable insight - people will overpay for coffee - doesn't mean you can run the world. Govt is a different animal, can we please get a pro in there?.
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Should the party that nominated Trump and Sarah Palin really even get to use the term "extreme vetting?".
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Couldn't be prouder that @bariweiss 's enterprise, formally Common Sense, is now The Free Press (@thefp), a new name to cover its more vast influence. Those who hunger for truth over tribalism are still a minority, but we're growing! Congrats to Bari and Nellie! I'll be reading!.
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The people who said Hillary Clinton was 'The Lesser of Two Evils.' Can we get the apology right now? w/@piersmorgan @jimjefferies
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Now that Trump is finally vulnerable, watch the Democrats NOT go for the jugular. Sad. And I say that very strongly.
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Real Time is coming back, unfortunately, sans writers or writing. It has been five months, and it is time to bring people back to work. The writers have important issues that I sympathize with, and hope they are addressed to their satisfaction, but they are not the only people.
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I know becuz of my late hours, and living in Cali, many of you are just starting your day, but as I head to bed on MY Tuesday night, its a nicer feeling than I've had in a long time. A good day, finally, for the rule of law, and my heroes, the DeepState!.
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All this talk from Trump and his people about how they can't do anything about the border policy because, "the law's the law, our hands are tied" - where was that when they were sabotaging Obamacare? That's also the law.
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Stop saying both parties are equally to blame for the mess we're in. Congress isn't broken, the Republican party is broken.
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Been saying "slow moving coup" "treason" "traitor" since before Election '16, and always guests said I was alarmist, overstating, etc. Well, after we learned this week FBI was looking into #TrumpAsTraitor, I hear it all over. Good time to get back to work. Can't wait till Friday!.
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I love this #Mueller dude - without every saying a word or even being seen he's able to say so much. Today was badass. You are a VERY special prosecutor.
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Is there anything more unseemly than Trump constantly attacking a dead war hero? He did it again today, always denigrating John McCain - and McCain's widow, Lindsay Graham, says nothing!.
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How bad was Joe? He shit the bed so hard his new Secret Service.codename is “Amber Heard.”
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When the college kids start throwing up all over Mexico on Spring Break, you know the Mexicans are thinking, "Yeah, you're not sending us YOUR best either".
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Cohen said today in answer to why he's doing this, because he worries even if Trump loses, he will not leave office - which is what I've been saying from the beginning, to a chorus of "Oh, no, you're paranoid". Maybe not so much.
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Its been almost a month, will I ever get used to Trump? Fuck no. Its like watching a toddler playing with a gun - you're always nervous.
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"We want Americans to stop being afraid of demanding our politicians to take action. They work for us, we don't work for them." - @Cameron_Kasky @DavidHogg111 @AMarch4OurLives #NEVERAGAIN #NRABloodMoney
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So. the Kim summit failed because of Michael Cohen? Say it with me: Whiny. Little. Bitch. #WhinyLittleBitch.
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I'm all for bringing civility back, but not as a unilateral concession: Trump and his ilk need to first stop threatening to "lock up" political opponents, journalists, etc. That's way worse than not getting seated! Stop doing that, we'll talk restaurants.
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Remember after the '08 crash, banks had to do a "stress test" to see if they could withstand big losses? Trump is kind of our "stress test" for democracy - to see if our institutions, laws, norms and basic decency can hold. Don't fuck it up, folks - please vote!.
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Consider for a moment how enormous an asshole Trump must be to make me actually feel bad for an asshole as enormous as Jeff Sessions. wow.
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There’s a disturbing trend going on in America these days with rewriting science to fit ideology. We’ve gone from fat acceptance to fat celebration.
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Special night for me tonight, and I mostly want to thank all the viewers who've been with me from the beginning, and all those who came along the way. (Some of you weren't born at the beginning. oy.) I consider ours a sacred bond between lovers of free speech.
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Republicans say ‘I’m not just gonna stand here and let you run down America,’ well ur standing there now and letting Trump run down America.
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People always say that Israel has a right to defend itself, and when they do, they object to it.
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Dear #Trumpsters: Everything that wall represents – the bigotry, the racism, the ignorance, the paranoia is already in your heart. The wall has been inside you the whole time.
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Now would be a good time for Democrats to take my advice last Friday and start yelling “You lie!”.
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“If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.” - @GeorgeWashington
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I guess "I never worked for Russia" is the new "I am not a crook", and about as believable. And SO much worse.
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It seems @realDonaldTrump was accidentally watching Real Time again tonight. Hope he saw this offer to him at the end. #Prickstarter #TakeTheMoney
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Oh for fuck sake, if Trump was any more of a pussy he'd have to grab himself. #Debatenight.
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I never realized Hillary was the emperor of the world for the last 30 years, solely responsible for every bad thing that ever happened. Hmm.
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This was a tough week, and I just need to vent a little more about finding out that abuse of power isn't a thing now. That the president is a crime wave in human form and the Republicans said "And your point is what?" That a criminal act isn't impeachable if it happens. .
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Trump sold himself to this country as a business genius. Turns out he's a reverse billionaire. Elizabeth Warren should start calling him #Brokeahontas.
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I know Anonymous is a big hero today, but for the record I don't see poisoning the planet and cutting taxes for the wealthiest as "bright spots" that "put country first.".
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This week was the 80th anniversary of Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" broadcast that made panicky, gullible people believe an "invasion" was under way - thank god something like that couldn't happen today!.
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Now Trump is saying - after all this time! - that Lester Holt "fudged" the tape where he confesses why he fired Comey?? Really Trump people? #ThatsYourGuy?.
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The world would be a much better place if it had more “outposts" like Israel.
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Kids, if you want to change the world and not just tie up Monday morning traffic, this is the apartheid that desperately needs your attention: The #GenderApartheid.
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Trump lives in this opposite world. He puts criminals in charge of the Justice Department. Facts are lies. He’s awake when he should be asleep. He talks out of his ass, but shit comes out of his mouth.
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The presidency has really opened our eyes as to who Trump is - I always thought he was an egomaniac, a blowhard, etc but now we see he was always a thug, a cheap crook, a hood. And his fans love him more. .
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Can’t believe there’s 2 more of these. It’s like making a sequel to Cats.
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Don't let Trump quit! You assholes voted for him, nominated him, handcuffed yourself to this dead hooker, now drag it to the finish line!.
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I thought, maybe if Trump could hear what a eulogy for him would sound like, maybe that would give him some insight into himself – so I prepared a modest example for him. #TrumpEulogy #FakeFuneral #FlyWhinyLittleBitchFly👼
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