President Joe Biden (So-Called)
@biden4pres
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Hell, let’s run for president. By the by, this is not Joe Biden.
Greenville, DE
Joined December 2017
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So-Called.
Joe Biden has been elected the next president of the United States.
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I ask Beto how he’s doing. “Vibing,” he tells me. The hell is that
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I got demons. Who doesn’t. Ghosts, frattering about. Sometimes I get teleported to a maze, hell of a thing. Fight a minotaur. Beast of a man
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You say some flu-bug’s gonna kill ya, I say you’re full of beans. There was a time not too long ago where I drank water straight from a puddle in the middle of the street. We all did, we all drank from the puddle. One of those kids grew up to invent microwave bacon
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A world. An entire world, of warcraft. Not on my watch.
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I have nothing but respect for Emily Warren. Nothing but respect. Tallest woman I’ve ever seen by a mile, knows her arithmetic
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I don’t find Garfield realistic. Cats don’t, they don’t understand lasagna
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The problem with hot tea. You wait for it to heat up. Then you wait for it to cool down. Iced tea, that beverage respects your time.
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I'm 'against God?' Fella, I'm a practicing Catholic. If anything, God is against *me.*
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Dairy protestors, baffling. Just baffling. What’s the issue here, too much milk, not enough milk, what is it
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I mean pete’s sake you got dads out here sayin’ their sons aren’t allowed to play dolls. Hell, I owned dolls. First gift my dad ever gave me was a doll. It was a sock, filled with borax. Soft as a wooden tit, sure, but it kept me warm on cold nights. And there were cold nights
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Used to be able to buy a sack of hamburgers. Ten cents. A sack. You march into the dealership with a sack of hamburgers, you’re gettin’ Vegas treatment
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We’re going to find Osama Bin Laden and bring him to justice.
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Rice is similar to pasta, but it's not pasta. I've been grappling with this
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Had a meal at Five Guys. There were easily six, maybe seven guys in there.
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Had a nice supper with Pete and his handsome pal Chester. Dressed to the nines, that fella. A haircut you could set your watch to.
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So suddenly, suddenly, Americans are worried about my public speaking ability. Look: I owned this Camry, years back. Years. Uglier than sin, this thing. But it ran, it was dependable. I drove it into the dirt. Saved my keister more than once. Point is this: let me be your Camry
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I was a young man, 4, maybe 5 years of age, I wrestled a horse to the ground to prove a point. He was angrier than bees
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Beto messages me. He says my town hall performance was “based.” Based on what. The truth. Plain and simple.
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Look I like Bert Sanders. Neat guy. Devout Lutheran. Louder than hell, but that’s politics
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Let’s get me elected, just for the hell of it
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I knew a fellow, Johnny Pineapple, he was called. He’d show up, and this was the sixties, he’d visit me at 1 in the morning and smack me right in the face with a sock full of pennies. Dead of night, this guy. Hurt like hell. But that was the thing, at the time
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People always ask me: Joe, how did you get in here
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In day 1 of my administration I will sign an executive order, compelling all Americans, to take it down a notch
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A Goofy Movie. It’s as advertised, I’ll tell you that
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Barry and I once threw, and this is honest, we threw this magic ring into a volcano. Walked there to do it. It was awful, the entire procedure. But it needed to be done.
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They call it “Good” Friday, but something very bad happened. They killed Jesus. Worked out, ultimately, but I don’t feel good about it.
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Dinosaurs. The indisputable fact, indisputable, is that lizards roamed the earth. I won’t tell you it doesn’t mesmerize me. Truly, wild stuff, this stuff. It applies to the here and now, it’s likely. Might be time to think about it.
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Yes, I get money from rich people. Who am I supposed to get money from, poor people? They *need* their money. The hell kind of accusation is this.
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This is a real question, this is genuine: the hell is wrong with all of you
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Please stop sending me the Avengers thing.
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I’m not afraid to say it: scientists simply have to stop inventing diseases. End of story.
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I’m watching these Harry Potters. These kids, they’re not learning normal stuff
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Let's, and I'll skip the curse word, go.
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I used to play this board game. Me and the neighbor girl. Weird thing, weird lookin thing this thing. One afternoon we were playing and sure as stars - I wake up in this jungle, nightmare situation. Spent twenty years in there, I did. Awful stuff. Just awful. But I'd do it again.
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Tonight the president told the proud boys to stand by. Stand by for what. Their pizza rolls to finish in the microwave
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There is one enemy. Malarkey. And what do we say to malarkey, folks.
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Taylor Swift. Dynamite young individual. I have RED on vinyl, it’s a calming album. Beto’s encouraged me to give Reputation another chance, that’s his whole thing.
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Angel Hair pasta. It’s an underrated noodle. Thinner than spaghetti, there’s a better mouth feel. There are so many good pastas, we’ve really been fortunate in that way
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Hell yes I want Bernie on my team. That crotchety pinko is more popular with kids than the slinky, and I could stand a dollop of that secret sauce. Bernard here’s a deal: join me, and I’ll have someone take care of those geese what been harassing you outside the capital
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Please do not, and I’m asking this, please do not kidnap your governor.
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A virus is not “an invisible enemy.” You’re thinking of the Invisible Man. And your best bet was to throw cans of, cans of paint all over. Until it landed on the man. The invisible man. God bless America, and God bless the troops.
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Beto sends me, and this is real, a “TikTok.” I will not be opening this, whatever this is.
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Michigan. It’s got two parts: the upsy party, and the downsy part. You wouldn’t think it, but there’s more than a handful of folks living in that upsy part. How they got up there, that’s beyond me. One of the great mysteries.
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You catch, here's what it is, you catch more flies with honey. But you catch a lot of flies, a lot, with a mixture of honey and trash. Rotten meats, this sort of thing. There's a lesson in there, I'll be figgled if I know what it is, but there you have it.
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This isn’t about right versus left, this time we’re experiencing. This is about America versus these incredibly, incredibly small fellas. Incredibly small. We’re talkin, I mean these are very small guys, these guys. And they are just meaner than a goose, mean as hell
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Gay marriage. I’m for it. Two handsome pals, sharing a home. Out on the town. All for one, two musketeers. Spread the word: Joe Biden says “go on ahead with the thing you’re doin.”
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God, I love the train. A comfortable chair, beautiful scenery. You can see, and this is the thing, you get to see America. The train. Can’t beat it, in my experience.
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C’mon gang. Bedtime for bonzo. Log off. Put the phones down, get a glass of water. C’mon. Get some rest. Phones down.
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There was this man we used to, and this was in the sixties, but we used to fill his house with carbon monoxide. Carbon monoxide. His whole house, this guy.
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This president thinks that outside soap can go inside. Outside soap. Inside. He thinks outside soap, he thinks soap can go inside. The body. He thinks soap can go inside the body. Outside soap. He thinks it goes inside. Soap.
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Beto has called me and asked if he can do a "twitch" for the National Convention. What he does in his own home is his business, I told him.
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You know you can just microwave pasta now. You can just microwave it. Pasta. No open flame, nothing. Pasta in the microwave. Don’t tell me we haven’t made progress, as a society.
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Macaroni, and here’s what they added. Cheese. Hell of an invention.
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You know Barry and I once toured this factory run by a chocolatier, or some business. Weird operation. Saw a German boy get sucked into a tube, you can’t make it up.
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There was a time, and this was years ago, Barry and I found ourselves in this abandoned bathroom chained to pipes. Hand to God. One hacksaw between the two of us. Hot fires forge strong steel, I'll tell you
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Hell Americans can’t wait for a revolution, they can’t even wait for a pizza to get delivered. Government is in a fine mess, a professional mess. We must sort’ it out slow-like. Too fast you might spook it, chase it away. Like a, like a deer, or a nice gal
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If you can wear a hat. You sure as hell can wear a mask. It’s a mouth hat. That’s all it is. Can we pipe down, collectively
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I’ve met Ben Shapiro. You know this guy has a rolling backpack for every day of the week
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The hell would we debate on Joe Rogan. DMT? How many MMA fighters you can fit in a Tesla?
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If the president can make it past the first instruction of a Bop-It, I will drop - and I mean this- I will drop out of the race.
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If you cook a steak above medium rare. That cow died for nothing. This is, I won’t move on this.
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Space travel, pah. Man wasn't made for space, there's no water up there. We got places to explore here on God's green. Plenty of places. Places I've never been. Western Wisconsin, for example
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My wife Jill, I love her, but my wife scares the absolute hell outta me. The absolute hell. It's why I married her. I'd do it all over again in an instant, too
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Ernie Sanderson. Look - I know he's promising a free pat on the head and a trip to Sea World for all six billion Americans. A hard bargain. Hard to beat. But let's be realistic: if something's getting done in Washington in less than three years, something has gone terribly wrong
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Fella I used to know. Swamp Johnson. He’d do a hit for a box of Fiddle Faddle. Died in a pinball accident, strangest thing
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This is the malarkey we’ve been referencing
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Elon Musk is qualified to speak on exactly two issues: Nintendo games, and alienating his wives. Stop giving him attention, on this website.
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On tape. With Bob Woodward. Bob Woodward. You went, this is amazing, you went *on tape* with Bob Woodward. The Watergate guy. Just, this president. On TAPE. With BOB. WOODWARD. TAPE, for Chrissake’s.
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Beto has warned me that “it’s about to pop off.” Whatever it is, I asked him to see that it does not.
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The Second Amendment. I don't object to it, it's, it got written down for a reason. But there are some people who should not own guns. You know what I'm talking about, we've all met them. People with more than three bumper stickers. Anyone who's written a 'manifesto.'
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I want to thank Barry for the kind words. You know I met Barack, and this was decades ago, but I met him back when I was an acrobat. A fella had sabotaged our trapeze equipment. Lost my folks. Barack invited me to help him fight crime, we had these little outfits. It was an honor
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I don’t need an earpiece to wax patriotic, live. I’ve been training for this for months. We got, and this is actual, we got a wealthy toddler hopped up on sugary drinks and had him yell at me for two hours every weeknight. That toddler said some hurtful things. Hurtful things.
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Of course I have Republicans at my convention. I’m trying to make a case, and this is, this is no joke. I’m trying to be everyone’s president. Right, Left, everyone. Sorry I’m not starting a civil war, or whatever it is this website is calling for. Pipe down.
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Proud Boys. Proud of what. Your ability to alienate women
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We used to, and this is real, but we used to go taunt bears in the forest. It was awful.
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A purse. To go with the mask. Funny stuff. I'd rather wear a purse than a toe tag, I'll tell you that much.
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I'll tell you: they call 'em Crockpots, but they're anything but a 'crock.' I'm serious. I've had a pork tenderloin in mine for about five hours now. Three to go yet. Smells incredible in the home, just incredible.
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What, and this is my question, the hell
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So you can make calls now, phone calls, but it’s video. A video call. Damndest thing I’ve ever seen, witchery of the highest order. This, the things we have, the technology. God bless it.
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There was this fella, and this was some time ago, the neighbors burned this guy alive. Burned alive. Guess what he does: haunts the dreams of their children. Damndest thing I ever saw. Powered by fear, this guy. Me and Barry sent him on his way, I'll tell you.
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Beto tells me he’s about to, and this is real, he tells me he’s going “sicko mode” at some hamburger joint. I pray for the employees that he does not.
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America needs a grandfather for president. I’m not foolin’. Let America ride the lawnmower, take ‘em for pontoon rides. Watch satellite television. Keep ‘em suspicious of the neighbor fellow. We’re in bed by 9 pm.
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What we need to be worried about is space aliens. Imagine it: a whole world of mantis men. Cold eyes, the eyes of a killer. Here to steal our water. Where’s the department preparing for that
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No more chokeholds. No full nelsons. No half nelsons. No people’s elbow, no DDT’s. We must, as a nation, ease up on the roughhousing.
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There is only one enemy: malarkey. And what do we say to malarkey? Not today.
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There’s no reason to panic, there is not. Look here’s brass tacks: we don’t know what coronavirus does. Not really. Maybe it’ll give us powers, cool powers. Might just be a rough ride for a tidy week. Might be worse. Been Googling it, getting mixed information so far.
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Jellyfish. These clear little, these are translucent aliens, as far as I’m concerned. Get ‘em outta here.
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I've been tested before, faced great obstacles, great obstacles. There was a period when Barry and I were made aware of a great simulation, humans being used as batteries. I'll tell you we went to war. I fought a man in a suit, thousands of 'em. Learned Kung Fu for the occasion.
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Barry and I once survived a plane crash onto some weird island down in the pacific. People were living there, scientists. Laboratories. I met God there, I did. Young fella. Whole experience didn’t make a lot of sense, but here we are.
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Fig, and here’s where they lose me, “Newtons”
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