You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS...
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I awaken and slowly make my way to the kitchen. As coffee brews I open an empty mason jar and scream into it. Once filled I quickly close it, mark it “Thursday” and place it in the cabinet with the others
Is your child texting about frogs?
A guide:
FML - frog my life
WTF - where’s that frog
STFU - shut that frog up
LMFAO - listen Mom frogs are outstanding
[invention of the wheel]
CAVEWOMAN: STOP INVENTING AND HUNT. WE HAVENT EATEN IN DAYS AND WE’RE GOING TO DIE
CAVEMAN: *heelys by cave* that doesn’t sound very rad
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Saturday: I feel like no one gets excited about me anymore
Sunday: it’s this quarantine
Friday: yeah it’s terrible. We’re just considered “days” now. All the same.
Monday: I THINK IT IS A REFRESHING CHANGE
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
A hotdog launches out of the ocean and lands beside me. I scan the beach quickly before taking the hotdog in hand. “Maybe just a nibble” I think. But nibbles turn into a bite. I suddenly feel a hook piercing my cheek as I’m then violently dragged into the surf.
To every person making the “deer aren’t children” comment, I’ll remind you of two important facts:
1) You are sassing a frog on line
2) I have already addressed this with an airtight scientific response in the comments below
cop: *brings in a line up of wolves* do any of them look familiar
Little Red Riding Hood: *slams her fist on the two-way glass* these are all my grandma you son of a bitch
A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching