Boog
@bewgtweets
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“Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter”
Swamp
Joined May 2016
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here's the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
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Soup of the day implies another, possibly even seductive, soup of the night.
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What if Tim was short for Timberly and Kim was short for Kimothy? What then?
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Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk*
Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls
Me: oh I’m not a cop lol
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[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS...
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
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Anyone else remember the song about losing their poor meatball when somebody sneezed? Am I insane? These are two unrelated questions.
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“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
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Why would anyone with laser hair want it removed. It sounds cool as hell.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here's the thing. Poppa and momma bear slept in separate beds so maybe everything wasn't "just right"
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I'm sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
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Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
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Pretty wild to think the amount of people older than you never increases
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Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
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I awaken and slowly make my way to the kitchen. As coffee brews I open an empty mason jar and scream into it. Once filled I quickly close it, mark it “Thursday” and place it in the cabinet with the others
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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
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I call my nipples The Godfather because no one is interested in seeing the third one
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
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Technically he was Edward Scissor fingers but I’m not trying to cause a ruckus
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Is your child texting about frogs?
A guide:
FML - frog my life
WTF - where’s that frog
STFU - shut that frog up
LMFAO - listen Mom frogs are outstanding
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[invention of the wheel]
CAVEWOMAN: STOP INVENTING AND HUNT. WE HAVENT EATEN IN DAYS AND WE’RE GOING TO DIE
CAVEMAN: *heelys by cave* that doesn’t sound very rad
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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Me: *holding my daughter* I can’t remember who she is
Wife: you have amnesia
Me: *tearing up* what a beautiful name
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Last month my cat disappeared. A week ago I found him and brought him home. Today my cat came back. Now I have two identical cats.
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, the little piggy that went to market wasn’t sent there to shop
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Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
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*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
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Invention of the hug:
"You look sad. Let me choke your whole body"
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Me: I’ll take “art is anal cheese” for 500
Trebek: That’s , “artisanal cheese”
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Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
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*snaps out of a deep sleep* Is Cookie Monster his species or his name
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me: [nervously looking in rear view mirror] oh no, we’re being followed
Tow truck driver: Thats your car.
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Her: how many children do you want
Me: *lowering the menu* what the hell kind of restaurant is this
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Me: I recently lost over 400 lbs
Gym owner: hey, where did all the dumbbells go
Me: ok, were you not fucking listening
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IT IS NOT A HOTDOG NECKLACE IT IS CALLED A HAMULET AND WAS GIVEN TO ME BY A REAL SHAMAN
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Jesus: YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD
Joseph: well well well look who can turn anger into whine lol
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
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Me: How much for the tattood tree souls
Librarian: Those are books
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Saturday: I feel like no one gets excited about me anymore
Sunday: it’s this quarantine
Friday: yeah it’s terrible. We’re just considered “days” now. All the same.
Monday: I THINK IT IS A REFRESHING CHANGE
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Me: *trying to high five the executioner as he tightens the noose* hey, don’t leave me hanging hahah
Executioner: Lol *kicks the lever*
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Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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Why put off until tomorrow what you can completely avoid for a lifetime
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I have been saying it this way because of this tweet for years. YEARS
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What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
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[at a bank]
Old lady: I forgot my glasses, would you mind checking my balance for me
Me: *shoves her * it’s pretty bad lol
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[starving in the desert]
Me: all we have left are two granola bars
Her: I’m not hungry
Me: *opens mine*
Her: can I have a bite
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[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
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God: lower
Sun: Lol like this?
Me: *lowers car visor*
God: a bit lower
Sun: okie dokie
Me: *blindly drives right off a bridge*
God: got’em
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IF ITS MINIATURE GOLF WHY IS THE BALL STILL THE SAME SIZE IT SHOULD BE SMALLER
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A hotdog launches out of the ocean and lands beside me. I scan the beach quickly before taking the hotdog in hand. “Maybe just a nibble” I think. But nibbles turn into a bite. I suddenly feel a hook piercing my cheek as I’m then violently dragged into the surf.
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I forgot to connect my daylight savings account to my daylight checking account and now it’s over dawn.
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I bet clapping was invented by the first guy nobody wanted to hi 5.
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To every person making the “deer aren’t children” comment, I’ll remind you of two important facts:
1) You are sassing a frog on line
2) I have already addressed this with an airtight scientific response in the comments below
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a : I has superpower
b : wut superpower u has
a : force field
b : you has force field
a : ya
b: lemme see
@ :
b : oh dang
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*i get a second pringles can stuck on my other arm as scientists take notes from behind a two way mirror*
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Plan on calling hotdogs “tacos americanos” until I’m asked to leave any cookout this year
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Me: What do you give the girl that has everything
My Mom: Penicillin
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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
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Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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[Millennial wedding]
Me: *finishes giving wedding vows*
Priest: And you?
Her: B I G M O O D
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cop: *brings in a line up of wolves* do any of them look familiar
Little Red Riding Hood: *slams her fist on the two-way glass* these are all my grandma you son of a bitch
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[party]
Carl (who never finished his masters): hey everyone
Me: BRR FEELS LIKE THE ROOM JUST WENT DOWN A DEGREE LOL
Carl: it’s been 5 years
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Wife: Why would you name the christmas decorations, it's dumb
Me: please show Wreatha Franklin some r-e-s-p-e-c-t
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching
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