Elise Bauman
@baumanelise
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Actor/Filmmaker/Sometimes Funny Person
Joined October 2014
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Normalize men having to stay 6 feet away even when this pandemic is over
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On ariana grande’s new album she has a song titled “needy” directly followed by a song saying “I’ma need space” so if that does not perfectly encapsulate my dating energy I’m not sure what does
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I’m confused I thought they already had straight pride isn’t that what coachella is?
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Should I
A) get a cat
or
B) work on my human intimacy issues?
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That moment when Tatiana Maslany rides her bike past you and says she liked your work in a short film. Excuse me as I go barf my feelings.
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Oops, this brewery accidentally used my dating profile as their beer notes: "well rounded with a balanced bitterness & a smooth body."
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Bisexual culture is when you show up wearing the exact same outfit as your male date.
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How have the Orlando gunman's parents already apologized for their son's actions but Brock Turner's parents still think he's the victim?
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Dear Hallmark,
Is the loss of some of your viewers more important than the erasure of an entire group of people?
(An open letter)
@hallmarkchannel
@billabbottHC
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Next time someone asks me what the strangest thing
@natvanlis
and I have signed is, I can say “a marriage certificate from that time we were sitting in a park and a couple of strangers asked us to witness their wedding.” Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded there is love in the 🌎
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And that's a Burrito Bowl! ......I mean wrap. We just made a movie? I don't like endings....
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Most of my exes have found their significant other almost immediately after dating me. I am like the layover on the way to monogamy, the brief Icelandic stopover on the way home from your wild vacation. I am the Reykjavik of relationships.
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Thanks to invisilign, my teeth are now the straightest thing about me.
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“So you got a boyfriend?”
My favourite question to be asked by my Uber driver as he drives me to my home address at night.
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The queers are a very environmentally friendly bunch. We’re very good at recycling exes.
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I like flirting but I don’t like dating. Is this the equivalent to liking ketchup but hating tomatoes?
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I wish the people I was attracted to/trying to impress could see how cool/awesome/funny I am around LITERALLY ANYONE BUT THEM.
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Me in the summer: I’m going to run everyday! And ride my bike everywhere! And swim in a lake and maybe also a pool! And isn’t it neat that nature supplies you with an endless energy source for physical activity!
Me in the fall: ....masturbation counts as cardio right?
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FUN FACT: Natasha's braid in the
#carmillamovie
teaser was done by yours truly. 💁🏻
#SalonElise
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How I ended my set last night:
“Well, I do have more jokes, but I’m out of time, so just like with most of the men I’ve slept with, I will not be finishing tonight.”
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Went to a “dress as your 80 year old self” party tonight and didn’t have to change much. 👵🏼
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Can I drop all the tears instead??? 😭
Carmilla (
@carmillaseries
) - the little webseries - IS FIVE YEARS OLD TODAY!!!!!
Please drop all the gifs!!
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I’m fairly certain if Disney cast a white actress to play Pocahontas in a live-action remake, the same people complaining about Halle Bailey being cast as Ariel wouldn’t bat an eye.
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“Whatever comes next, we do it together.”
The way these two support each other is such a beautiful thing 😍
@baumanelise
@natvanlis
@TheCdnAcademy
#AudienceChoice
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Hello! Just a reminder that the same rules of consent apply for females as they do for males (i.e. grabbing my ass in a photo op - NOT COOL). 😎
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Wore loose grey tank. Rode bike in heavy wind. Saw people smiling. Thought, 'the world is full of nice people'. Realized nipple was showing.
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Cis straight men be like “I know a spot” and then can’t find your clit
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Cashiers keep asking me if I need “validation” and I don’t drive so I forget they’re taking about parking and I’m like yes obviously I need some of that please.
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Nearly everyone I have been with has gotten engaged/married/found the love of their love very soon after things ended with us so I think I’m going to start charging a service fee to all the dates I go on from now on
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My neighbour has been playing “thank u, next” and that sad song from a star is born on repeat for several weeks now and while I am sympathetic to this very obvious breakup I wouldn’t mind a change of playlist.
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Bend it Like Beckham but with Naomi Scott and Kristen Stewart and they end up together.
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Dear
#ScarlettJohansson
, the way you can use your privilege as a white cis woman is to amplify the voices of underrepresented communities, not speak for them.
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Just read a draft of the Carmilla movie script and I shall now, in no particular order, tweet it in emojis: ☠️👻🙀🕵🏼♀️💃🏻👩❤️👩👗🥀🌓🎂🗺🕯⏳🔪⚰️🚪🔬💓⁉️
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Thank you to everyone for watching and being a part of this journey and sharing what the show has meant to you. You are all loved.
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Example of things to compare: Cellphone plans.
Example of things not to compare: Women with other women.
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Got my eyes checked and my optometrist was explaining to me something about how my eyes were having trouble focusing because there’s a certain part in them that’s fighting not to let go and I was like wow even my retinas have control issues.
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Thing is, I would love to be in a relationship, I really would, but I would also love to continue shame eating in private.
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The 10 year old girl I nanny: *starts singing “Baby it’s Cold Outside”*
6 year old boy I nanny: “Why doesn’t he just drive her home?!”
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I am a very patient, loving person until technology that isn’t working properly is involved.
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When the cast shows up in coordinated outfits completely by accident......that's when you know. 🖤💙
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Oops I fell into a bath. Photos by the talented Justine Stevens Photography.
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So incredibly proud of this woman!!!!!
Congrats to our favourite broody vampire
@natvanlis
for winning 'Fan's Choice Award' at the
#CdnScreenAwards
tonight!
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Sometimes self-love is doing the hard work. Going to therapy, having hard conversations, asking tough questions and making difficult choices that don’t offer instant gratification.
And sometimes self-love is ordering a hamburger to your front door at 10:30pm on a Friday night.
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The act of talking to myself has increased approximately 100% since moving into a solo apartment and I am now convinced people get pets just so they can justify speaking out loud in private.
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I’m co-producing a short film and the director is 9 MONTHS PREGNANT and has been having braxton hicks contractions for the past few days and today we held auditions and she worked with grace and love and drive. The hashtag
#womeninfilm
has never felt more appropriate.
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I think this year for Halloween I'll either go as a sexy feminist or a sexy piece of pizza, I haven't decided yet.
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Getting text message love from both my on-screen-loves at the same time.
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Life, thank you for a full 26 years. I promise to continue to be your student, and to strive always to vibrate with the frequency of Love ❤️
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All I want for Christmas is for someone to hand-tailor all of Harry Styles’ floral suits he’s been rocking lately in my size.
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For Halloween this year I’m gonna dress up as ‘the extinction of humankind due to climate change’ and just like, not show up to any parties.
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How to be a Strong Female Lead in a movie directed by a man:
Drama: Smoke naked in a bathtub, very troubled
Action: Possess all qualities of Strong Male Lead, but keep it feminine (tits)
Comedy: Don’t be funnier than man
Horror: Wear lingerie, have body gruesomely dismembered
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Mirror mirror on the wall, who's got the cheesiest hotel room of all?
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Guys! My dear friend
@natvanlis
has deservedly been nominated for this award. I don’t know many people who take the role in “role model” as seriously as Natasha, and I think you all should go vote and show her some ❤️.
Thanks to your nominations, Natasha Negovanlis (
@natvanlis
) has been shortlisted as a
#BritishLGBTAwards
*Top 10 Online Influencer* 💃 Vote for her now at 👍
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I have low blood pressure, and a doctor recommended I should consume more salt, so now I eat a bag of chips every night before bed, as medicine.
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Happy Dec 1st Everybody! Can’t wait to cozy up and watch smash holiday flicks such as “We Wish You a Heteronormative Christmas”, or “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas....Because Everyone in This Town is, Except For Those Two Background Actors.”
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Thinking about the time I wore a tank top to an audition and the casting director told me I was not “network appropriate” so I said “well you know what they say! You get two options as a woman: Virgin or a Whore! Guess I chose wrong today!” and then they didn’t see me for 2 years
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If ya know, ya know
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I JUST TRIED ON A PAIR OF SHORTS AT A THRIFT STORE AND THERE WAS $25 CASH INSIDE THE POCKETS TODAY IS A GREAT DAY 🤑🤑
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I didn’t quite get to everything I wanted to say last night, so here’s what I would love to share with you now:
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This group of four young boys beside me excitedly watching the women’s world cup is giving me LIFE. ⚽️
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I get that seeing your baby for the first time after childbirth must be a cool experience but WHAT ABOUT THE FEELING OF CUTTING INTO A PERFECT AVOCADO THOUGH
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Instead of champagne & cake I'm serving kombucha & homemade pumpkin pie because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I SHALL PARTY LIKE I WANT TO!
#grandma
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Fandoms collide! We met the lovely
@KatBarrell
from
@WynonnaEarp
tonight. SyFy women do it right.
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