baber
@bakerbakerbaker
Followers
4,883
Following
226
Media
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Statuses
27,403
ok people this is NOT a country girl this is a slut in boots
chicago
Joined May 2009
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Pinned Tweet
i stopped smoking weed bc i thought it was ruining my ambition but it turn out i just hate doin shit
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why would i want a president thats always getting shot at
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hot couple looking for a third. no sex play u just have to decide where we go eat
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my roommate got broke up with by text and just disliked the message
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this might be my favorite community note
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im creating my own olympics for beautiful women to smoke weed and run fast at
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she look like that kid who review fast food
NEW BUTCH CHLOE SEVIGNY PICS!!! I REPEAT - NEW BUTCH CHLOE SEVIGNY PICS!!!!!
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clementines were like nah our name is cuties and everybody was like ok baby
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new york city was built in 2007 as a back drop for the tv show gossip girl
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the depression helmet STAYS ON during sex
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why she always dressed like chingy
Billie Eilish to appear on ‘Chicken Shop Date’ this Friday, July 12th.
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the “again” kills me she been doing this
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sometimes your wife is “baby” (needs u to pick up something from the store)
sometimes your wife is “big dog” (gives u a cig 4 beers deep)
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thats cool im teaching my son our self worth and what god thinks of us is eternally reflected in if our college football team wins
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my wife is putting a blanket over my crate so i think its night time
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ok he going crazy on it
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seeing my wife in a sundress and hitting myself over the head with a frying pan like a cartoon wolf
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i returned a drunk guys phone so he can get picked up from the hospital and his lockscreen is a pic of two modelos
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wouldve rang up my tv as a banana and been out before rockets red glare
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ladies in just a shirt and underwear: sexy. comfy. gorgeous
guys in just a shirt and underwear: hilarious. the height of comedy. winnie the pooh in this bitch
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me: do u remember what u ate before the stomach pain started?
my patient:
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this is the cameraman equivalent of shattering the backboard
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@rachelmillman
i mean for all the stuff people on twitter say makes them shit coffee legit increases your gastrin levels causing u to go to the bathroom
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lori lightfoot playing left field
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i love that people think they are the alcoholic rainman by using a trick my mom uses to get more diet coke at mcdonalds
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me: i got your zone of interest right here pal
[wife whispering movie plot to me]
[me letting go of my crotch]: how bout anatomy of my balls
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really wish this wasnt the first thing i saw this morning
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some people go to church on sunday. i simply look at this image
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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i dont think id even eat at a basketball game id be too afraid theyd put me on tv and say “the ice cream must be good tonight”
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babys cry on planes bc they realize we are up there in defiance of gods will
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if i had a dirtbike i wouldnt even be on this fuckass website
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now that soccer is over lets get back to the real sport..kissing
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damn girl with the soda knee thicc beat it ya grape ass bitch
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as a treat
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[my wife cradles my beautiful newborn son]
me: is this guy bothering u
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i do feel a true sense of community when the sunset is doing its thing and everyone in the city is like omg
you guys. GUYS. lake michigan is the most important place on earth
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someone i know from twitter: u know tommy right?
me: um
someone: theyre handle is DIRTBIKECUMFUC
me: ohh hell ya
someone: hes rly nice
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my favorite celeb news is "turns out this person got hella ass???"
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happy intl womens day heres a pic of my 7 white friends at brunch
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when twitter is mad at a article but u not about to read shit
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this is the face of “im bout to do it again”
N.J. town sues woman, 82, for ‘voluminous’ and ‘burdensome’ public records requests
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cdc now reporting people positive for covid19 can return to work after a cig break
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man having his girl watch him curl 40lbs while she eats cereal is my favorite thing on earth
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type of shit im on
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@SlimiHendrix
im headed to do 15 u better believe im reaching for a frost brewed diet coors baby
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hiring a private eye to follow my gf i dont think shes cheating i just want some good candids of her going thru her day
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trump: lets build a wall
hillary: touch my butt and buy me pizza
trump: no more muslims
hillary: now watch me nae nae
trump: war
hillary: 🌚
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if u or somebody u know uses opioids please purchase and learn how to administer Narcan. it can reverse a overdose and pick up respirations IT CAN SAVE A LIFE
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my granpa waited 61 years for a cubs world series then i lost him during the parade on purpose he is a burden on my life
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when they bring back the nasty riff but slower
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choking during sex is played out we using the neti pot during sex now
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people in chicago do coke so they have enough energy to go to the same dive bar theyve been going to for 9 years
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today we said goodbye to sal. he always had a smile for u. ill miss my boy
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*jesus holding 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish*
disciple: BOY HE BOUT TO DO IT
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no wonder dude at the paper was always demanding pics of the spider man
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i cant stop thinking about anything other than this dog named kale chips
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my uncle (former salvation army) accidentally cut off his right nipple taking the nike check off his shirt
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"its not the job of marginalized people to inform you how to invoke change"
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had a patient walk in wearing scrubs so i asked where she worked and she said “oh i work at the house smoking weed i just love the pockets on this” i love her
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me when its raining: fuck i need a nice rain jacket
me when its not raining: wow glad thats over and will never happen again ever
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me: i wanna be respected for my brains
my brains: god i bet they make mesh overalls
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[me reaching out to a friend in need to show im thinking about them] whats up bitch
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well well well if it isnt the Blowjob Brothers
The guns have fallen silent.
The stars have aligned.
The great wait is over.
Come see.
It will not be televised.
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