Brandi, Maybe
@awesomebrandi
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Neurodivergent spoonie. I'm a human, not a brand. Artist, small biz owner, parent, cat lover and book enthusiast.
Texas
Joined July 2008
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Anyone who thinks leggings or tank tops are “inappropriate” on kids, should not be working with kids. Kid bodies are NOT sexual, regardless of what they wear.
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ADHD should be renamed, because the mere fact 'attention deficit' is the headline is very misleading. In fact, at least for me, it's the opposite. I pay attention to everything. My brain can't parse which information is important, & which is not. Which, makes it hard to focus.
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People DO want to work. I find that yes, most people DO want to work. But:
- People don't want to work for unlivable wages.
- People don't want to work in hostile environments.
- People deserve rest and time off.
- People deserve accommodations and flexibility in their work.
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An Autistic parent recently had a full evaluation for her Autistic son to make sure he was getting all possible accommodations in school.
The evaluator told her, and included in her paperwork, that she should get “genetic testing before considering any more children”.
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Parent: My son is ADHD, but my daughter isn't.
*me seeing their daughter who is a perfectionist with extreme anxiety, who shuts down or gets extremely active in stressful situations*
Me: You sure about that? You SURE about that?
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“But, you’re so high functioning”
- I’m really not. People rarely see me melting down in the outside world. When I do melt down in public, then I’m just a bitch, or I’m rude, or I’m weird and unpleasant.
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When a child, particularly an Autistic child, leaves a situation, covers their ears, etc; they are self-regulating. They are listening to their body and trying to keep themselves safe and feeling good. When you force them not to, you throw them out of balance.
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Her son is perfectly wonderful young human. He just happens to be disabled. As you would you expect, she is horrified and rather traumatized by the whole experience, and how they basically suggested her son shouldn’t exist.
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People are like 'well, we need to toughen our kids up because the world is tough', well I can tell you from first hand experience that having a tough childhood did not make me a STRONGER person, it made me a traumatized person with no healthy foundation.
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"You'll be on medication the rest of your life".
Is that medication going to make it easier for me to live life? Actually let me enjoy life a little? Sign me the fuck up.
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If anyone has any encouragement for her, feel free to comment, I asked if I could share this because I knew you would all be as horrified as I am.
Again, fuck so many “professionals” and their eugenics centered view of disabilities.
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Late realized Autism/ADHD and co-occuring things means you go through your childhood and all the things, even small things, start making sense.
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A huge part of why girls have gone disproportionately undiagnosed with neurodivergent disability, is because society basically starts “training” girls from birth to sit straight, smile and take the bullshit. The pressure to conform as a girl takes it to a new level.
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Still thinking about how last summer, some nurse at the OBGYN was like 'your cholesterol is a little high, so eat less red meat' and I'm like.. I haven't touched a piece of red meat in almost 30 years, and no meat at all for like 27 years so.. High quality care right there, lol.
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A friendly reminder that neurodivergent brains can ALSO manifest as:
Perfectionism.
Being a 'workaholic'.
Extreme anxiety.
Irritation and 'snapping' at people (related to above).
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They love to say Autistic people have 'social deficits' but here's what I see from neurotypicals in relationships:
1) Situational friendships. They "care so much" about you, but if you shift jobs, locations, etc - you're nobody. Out of sight, out of mind.
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If I was going to open a neurodivergent restaurant called “Safe Foods”, what’s on the menu?
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"Autistic people need structure"
But, you forgot the most important part: Autistic people need to be able to CHOOSE THEIR structure. Not have it forced upon them. :)
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If you're late realized neurodivergent, have you been able to now see it in generations of your family? Now, so much makes sense.. even as far back as my great-grandfather. Like, it's kind of weirdly obvious at this point.
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How can ANYONE, seeing the trauma that late realized Autistic and ADHD people have gone through.. say it's over diagnosed? Why don't people want to PREVENT suffering? My heart just breaks for all of us who have been stumbling through life without the right support.
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Let's do a fresh 'hygiene hacks' thread for disabled people. What things have worked for YOU to make personal hygiene easier, either physically or mentally?
Zero judgement, zero shame, and no unsolicited advice. You will be blocked. :)
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Once you realize how many Neurodivergent brains are in your family, so much makes sense. It does not erase your valid trauma, struggles and pain you experienced. It doesn't erase the things that deserve apologies. But, for me, it's both fascinating and helpful in healing.
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Autistic and ADHD people don't have 'social challenges' or 'social deficits'. We just communicate differently! The 'challenge' is when people refuse to meet in the middle, and expect us to do all the work and communicate like they do.
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I think accessible education is a pretty good replacement term for 'special education'. What does everyone else think?
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One reason there is a large(ish) number of people in their late 30s, 40s, and older getting diagnosed as Autistic and ADHD, is because traits SHIFT. We start getting tired of masking and then the things we have been fighting our entire life become too hard to fight anymore.
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If we could raise a generation of Autistic people who AREN'T all traumatized, I think people's view of Autism would change dramatically. :)
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Any other Autistic friends a big fan of 'if it's not broke, don't fix it?'
When I had to replace my car, I told my spouse.. I just want a newer model of the exact same car.
When we got new phones (blah), he asked what case I wanted 'same one I had'.
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We NEED disabled doctors for this very reason. Because, if you're NOT disabled, you cannot understand the nuances of it. We need disabled doctors!!!
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I'll say it again, the world needs to understand more about dyspraxia and it's very common alignment with neurodivergent folks. Here are some common physical struggles for SOME neurodivergent folks:
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A lot of people joke about how cats think they're 'starving' when their food bowl gets low, but the truth is, it starts to bother them on a sensory level when their whiskers are pushing against the edge of the bowl. That's why they dislike it when the food is at the bottom.
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Reminder:
Food aversions are real.
You don't 'fix' food aversions by forcing your child to eat something.
Walking the hard line on food with Z is, hands down, my biggest parenting regret. So glad I learned to do better, but I still feel awful that I ever did it.
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Its all just early foundations of controlling and shaming girls and womens bodies. Teaching them from a young age that their bodies are nothing but sex objects and baby makers.
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I just think about how many years I inflicted abuse on myself by ignoring my body and brain needs, because I fell for the lie society preaches to 'just try harder'.
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Caretaker 'burnout' is real. Caretaker stress is real. But, you know who's fault that is? Not disabled people's fault! It's our broken, selfish, society's fault. Because, there's not enough community support. We should not be expected to be hyper independent. Not healthy.
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Disabled people are not a burden.
Disabled people are not a burden.
Disabled people are not a burden.
Disabled people are not a burden.
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If you were standing in the middle of a busy intersection, with cars honking, people yelling, and billboards blinking; wouldn't you find it hard to focus and be overwhelmed? Your attention would be jumping from thing to thing, not sure where to settle.
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2) Assuming that you're out to get them, be manipulative, have ulterior motives, etc. I cannot even count the number of times I've been unpleasantly surprised by this. Like, they don't believe you're actually nice.
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3) They only want surface niceness and nothing real or ever even slightly unpleasant, only ass kissing and disingenuous excitement and hype. They don't ever want to hear your true feelings, no matter how valid they are. Image is everything.
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Non-disabled people don't understand how difficult 'basic' things like eating, sleeping, cleaning, and personal hygiene can be for disabled people. Stop taking it for granted that things that are easy for YOU, are easy for everyone.
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How the fuck is it that Autistic people have 'social deficits' when so many NT people act like like that? Yes, I'm generalizing, but people generalize about Autistic people all the time.. so.. please, enjoy my
#SpicyAutism
and kiss my ass. /cranky
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Many people are misled by the “hyperactive” element of ADHD. Your body does not have to be bouncing around nonstop for you to be ADHD. It’s the brain that’s like a speeding train with no brakes, which can be harder to see on the outside.
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But, that's my brain at home, with just my family here, or even by myself. My brain is just struggling with information overload! Plus, add in the dopamine needs, and the fact our brain is a hungry little dopamine seeker, THAT is what it's looking for.
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Rest is not a reward. Rest should be a basic human requirement that all others recognize, but too many people are forced to push themselves daily without enough rest.
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I don't know who needs to hear it, but making it difficult for disabled people to get their 'controlled substances' doesn't actually get to the root cause of drug addiction and abuse. :)
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While many extraordinary disabled people exist, you shouldn't have to do extraordinary things to get respect as a disabled person.
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It's interesting that the stereotype of Autistic people still lies so heavily into the math/science sphere, when the truth is, there are just as many Autistic 'creatives' who do art, music, acting, and so much more.
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Unpopular opinion, but I'm growing really tired of the 'You're only disabled because of capitalism' narrative. Yes, capitalism makes life WAY harder for disabled people, that is 100% truth, but I would still be disabled in a community based society.
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There is no 'deficit' with any of the ADHD brains in this house. We are simply skimming over an ocean of data, until our brain can find the shiny dopamine among the waves, and then maybe we can latch onto that. We're so thankful to find a lifeline, everything else is unimportant.
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People want to blame 'habits' for disabilities, but they don't want the truth, which is: Our capitalist society sets us up to sacrifice our wellness. Healthy people can become disabled at any time, I know that first hand, but our society is also responsible for declining health.
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I'm so tired of pigeonholing 'intelligence'. I am not lying or exaggerating when I say my nonspeaking, Autistic son is one of the 'smartest' humans I have ever met. And, here's what I mean:
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#Neurodivergent
people - Do you find that you get extremely sleepy in periods of distress? It seems to be one way my body and brain tries to cope sometimes.
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The sad truth is, a sizable chunk of parents inflicting trauma on their neurodivergent children.. are also unsupported neurodivergent people themselves, repeating their own trauma, because they're so hyper focused on seeming 'normal' and hiding their true selves.
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BTW, the cholesterol issue was caused by my Hashimotos. But ya know, let's not treat the ROOT CAUSE !
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Even the whole 'inattentive ADHD thing'. Like, it's so fucking.. pathological. I feel like so many of the terms used make it sound like ADHD is a choice. Hence the whole 'try harder' thing. We're fucking trying! Why don't you try harder to understand the nuance of ADHD?
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I don’t understand why people hate on teenagers so much. They are in the most difficult period - expected to be mature, but still young enough to lack autonomy. But, they are also pretty damn awesome. They just need some understanding and respect ..
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And, SOME ADHD people manifest the 'hyperactivity' in a physical way, but plenty of us don't. But, sometimes, the 'hyperactivity' is simply only in our brains, these brains that never want to stop moving.
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Yesterday, I was at the endo & I told her my fatigue had picked back up again, and she was like 'so what do you mean by fatigued?' & I gave her some examples, and she's like 'even when you first wake up?'
You mean people wake up not tired? That's a thing?
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I did once misgender a barista at Starbucks, because I turned around and told Z 'tell her what you want to drink' and then my subconscious brain was like 'wait, weren't they wearing a they/them pin?' and I apologized, and changed it to 'they' and they were like 'no problem'.
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Hell yeah, I am 'defined by' Autism and ADHD. It's how my brain is set up to process the world. It's like the MOST defining aspect of who I am, honestly. It is hard wired into my very existence.
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The truth is, sometimes some ND traits in some ND people, might be difficult for OTHER ND people to handle. We can't escape that truth, we have to figure out how to communicate and accommodate one another. Shaming is NOT okay, but we should be open to gentle conversation.
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I finally blocked my mother on social media back in January, and honestly, I feel MORE free now. Her mere name popping up, reacting to one of my posts would cause me stress. The stress is gone now.
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Poor people deserve nice things. As someone who was on the receiving end of donations for many years, I will say that getting absolute garbage as a donation is almost worse than not getting anything at all. And, poor people shouldn't have to just 'be grateful' for junk.
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Buckle up, because I am about to dump a whole lot of information on you about our often troublemaking friend serotonin. If you take SSRIs, SNRIs, stimulants ADHD or other serotonin increasing medication; which does include things like thyroid medication, please read this. /1
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@Fi_ferris
Plus, it creates good little worker drones who ignore their own biology to go work themselves to death for corporate big wigs.
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Some things that others might see as rude, but are genuinely hard for me, as an Autistic person:
- When people jump in to 'help' but they throw off my process, and leave me stressed and trying to re-adjust.
- When I get overloaded at a social event and need to take breaks.
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There also needs to be a major shift in how 'hyperactivity' is defined. I think honestly the 'hyperactivity' is simply encouraged by the fact we have so much information in our brains, our brains are moving all over the place trying to deal with it.
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And, yes, on some days, we don't want to work. THAT IS OKAY. The hustle is bullshit. We should not live to work. The problem is not that people 'don't want to work' but that 'people want to be treated with respect'.
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So, what IF someone who self-diagnosed as Autistic was wrong? What exactly is going to happen? It's not like 'officially' diagnosed Autistic people are being showered with endless support and acceptance, so what exactly is a self-diagnosed person harming? NOTHING.
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#SimoneBiles
is a Black, disabled, survivor of foster care and abuse. She is only 24 years old, and she is the greatest gymnast of all time. Unless you're singing her praises, you better keep her name out of your mouth.
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Echolalia is a valid form of communication. Tonight my son said “back forth monkey”. “Back forth” is him talking about brushing his teeth. “Monkey” means monkeys jumping on the bed” which my husband sings to him during his shower. That was him telling us he was ready for bed.
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Dear Parents:
Strike the word 'lazy' from your vocabulary. Stop referring to your kids as 'lazy'. Stop calling them 'lazy'. 'Lazy' is a made up concept. If they aren't doing something they 'should', look for the root cause. Stop making it about you.
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Does anyone else get nervous when they feel hopeful? Like, you're scared you're just going to be disappointed again and continue suffering forever? Feeling good feels like a ticking bomb, because when will it end?
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It's interesting that ableds say Autistic people aren't social or don't know how to socialize.. when it always means, we don't know how to play games. Society wants us to treat different people in different ways - and I don't mean accommodations, but socialization!
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Cleaning services should be considered a medical necessity for disabled people. Both, for those who are physically disabled, AND those who struggle with the executive function it takes to keep up with things. It's time to end the stereotype of mess equaling 'laziness'.
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People referring to the stimulus check as 'stimmy' or 'stim' is really confusing me, as an Autistic person.
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@Fi_ferris
It all goes back to money. Schools get paid for every butt that is in a chair. My son's former school got so severe that you could not even take them out of school 15 mins early, or they would be counted absent the entire day.
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Autism and ADHD don't have a 'look', and often when people say 'you don't look Autistic' they are basically saying you aren't their characteristic stereotype of Autism. But, neurodivergent people can spot their own. So, there isn't a 'look' but there are behaviors and mannerisms.
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Apparently some people need reminding that “mentally ill” or neurologically disabled humans are more likely to be BE HARMED than cause harm. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.
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@disabledphd
Not to mention extremely privileged take. Like.. for me it's unimaginable because I moved so much and had such a rough, unstable life.
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Nobody is 100% free of all ableism. Nobody. Everybody has something they're still trying to unlearn.
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#ActuallyAutistic
friends, tell me two sides of your capabilities.
I can read and process massive and complicated books about history and linguistics, but I’ll often drive a longer route to avoid turning left, because it’s so scary for me.
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- Understanding bodily bathroom cues. This is a BIG ONE. Your child is NOT 'lazy' or 'stubborn' if they're struggling using the toilet reliably. Shaming only makes it worse.
- Handwriting issues, either very 'messy' handwriting or refusing to practice/use writing tools.
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Me, thinking about how Sia said that the Autistic people 'she was talking about' weren't able to use the internet, and then also thinking about how thanks to typing and email, my son is having actual conversations with family for the first time in his life. Fuck you, Sia.
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Autistic people need to be allowed to listen to their bodies and brains and do what feels right for them. Our brains often KNOW what to do with our intense bodies, but society tries and prevents it. If you want to support Autistic people, you need to LISTEN to Autistic people.
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If only we had more doctors who said 'there's nothing WRONG with you because your brain works this way, but let's figure out how to make your life easier, together.' Doctors who can say 'this is your version of normal, and that's okay'. End the vilification of ND brains.
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There is barely any real acceptance of sensory overload for CHILDREN, much less adults. Normalize letting adults (AND kids) say 'I cannot do this, it's too much for me.'
This status brought to you by me, who is currently vibrating with over-stimulation.
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They don’t see me at home, later, literally screaming and throwing things in the safety of my bedroom. They don’t see how long it takes me to recover. They don’t feel what pain sensory pain causes in my body.
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(C)PTSD is a form of neurodivergence. Now, people who are BORN with ND brains are at higher risk of trauma, but even those who weren't born with it, trauma is permanent - it is in your brain and it has major impact on how you view and react to the world.
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- Frequent accidents, like tripping, running into things, dropping things, etc. As a kid, I would fall and skin my knee non-stop, or run into the corners of things.
- Refusal of, or struggles with 'athletics'; kicking, throwing balls, riding bikes..
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"What about those violent Autistic people?" Okay, let's unpack this shit.
Autism does NOT make people violent or dangerous. Period. However, TRAUMA can result in a fight response. If you have no way to communicate, and are treated like an animal, wouldn't you feel violent?
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I truly give zero shits if my child ever uses mouth words regularly. As long as he has a way to communicate his needs and wants, that's all I care about. I also don't care if he never lives alone, I don't care if he has a job, don't care if he gets married, blah blah.
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Neurodivergent relationships can be complicated. They can be amazing - people who understand one another and connect strongly. Or, they can also end up triggering one another. I can know my mother is Autistic with c-ptsd, BUT that doesn't excuse the way she's treated me.
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I'll tell you the problem with wheelchairs.
The problem is, too many people can't afford them and having a wheelchair would make their lives easier.
Another problem with wheelchairs is that ableds still see them as a burden, and not freedom, which is what they are.
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I made a mistake. I corrected my mistake, and we got our drinks. Claiming fear of offense at misgendering as a reason not to interact with someone at all is bullshit transphobia.
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Being chronically early (because you're afraid of being late).
Extreme need to micromanage things and people in your life (because you feel out of control in your head).
Extreme people pleasing, to your own detriment.
Major focus on controlling food and weight.
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There are parents out there like 'my kid is so 'gifted' but they're struggling in school'..
But, they get offended if you suggest getting their kid evaluated for Autism/ADHD, because 'they're too smart for that'.
Endless hell loop; one I lived through personally.
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My kid: Why do people even make their bed? They’re just going to get back in it later!”
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I always say to parents, are they being 'difficult' or are they having a hard time? Often, kids cannot identify the root of their challenge, they only know that they do not like it. It's our job as parents to get to the root of why, not tell them to suck it up and deal.
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There are a lot of ways people who have unsupported ADHD (and other disabilities) manifest. You have some people who are super burned out, you have people who turn to substances to ease their busy brains, and you have people who are super 'uptight' because they're scared to fail.
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I keep seeing these “adderall alternatives” advertised as giving energy and I’m like .. stimulants don’t actually stimulate me, they bring my brain down from a hurricane to a rainstorm. Does anyone actually feel “energized” by their stimulants?
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