avital ash
@avitalash
Followers
6K
Following
9K
Media
169
Statuses
3K
You know there’s a video somewhere of a soldier coming home from war and a dog just not giving a shit.
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Comedians love saying “Too dark?” when something just isn’t funny. It’s never too dark. It’s always not funny.
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Once I was with at a party with a friend, eating what we agreed was the best cheese we’d ever had. We asked the host what it was. Turned out it was butter.
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I’d rave about the performances of Jonathan Pryce and Anthony Hopkins but I don’t want two get your popes up.
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I think we should replace the word “rapist” with “raper.” .I’d like for it to sound more like “traitor,” “killer,” “murderer”. And less like “artist,” “therapist,” “florist.”.
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Don’t judge a book by its cover but DO judge a band by their name.
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Not sure who needs to hear this but: You’re not shadowbanned. You’re just unpopular.
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Stop saying “low-key”! It means NOTHING. Every time you use it in a sentence, you can remove it, and the sentence means the same thing. I low-key want to murder everyone who says it.
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I worry that I’ve wasted my life on the toilet but all I can do is take it day bidet.
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I’m going to keep doing a lot of drugs, get a bunch of tattoos, and dye my hair purple so that when I have kids the only way for them to rebel will be by studying too hard.
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pre pandemic i was “antisocial”.during covid i’m “responsible”.post covid i will be “ungrateful”.
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Hope you like breakfast/lunch jokes bc I wrote a brunch of ‘em.
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It’s weird that you can drink milk that comes from a cow’s titty no matter how old you are, but we have to stop drinking milk from our mom’s titties as soon as we become teenagers.
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@MaraWilson Wait what?! This can’t be true! Really?!. I think of him pointing a gun at Leonard Cohen while they worked on ‘Death of a Ladies’ Man’ saying “I love you Leonard,” and LC saying “I hope so, Phil.”.
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am i “wasting so much money” getting food delivered when i could just be cooking, or am i “fighting the patriarchy” by staying out of the kitchen?.
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I got asked to do a standup show outdoors, mandatory masks. I got there & it was indoors, & no one was masked, so I left. Bummer. Especially since I hear all the comedians killed.
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Death is like chicken pox. Better to get it out of the way when you’re young.
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I hate mushrooms and just ate a shiitake. It made me do a spiitake.
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Give me your tired, your poor, your Instagram verified. .
US demands social media details from visa applicants
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Re: Networking, you can’t just ask someone for something. You have to build a relationship first. Infiltrate their home. Find out what their wife likes. Give it to her on the side. Kidnap the kids. Follow them on LinkedIn. Stuff like that.
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”How are you?” is a terrible question. I think I’d like, simply, “Are you?”, because then I could just affirm, “I am.”.
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I haven’t been reading as much as I’d like, unless you count reading into every neutral thing someone says to figure out how they might’ve meant it as an insult.
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Dating in LA is like the lottery. You know, the short story, The Lottery? Every date is just you being pelted with rocks.
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It's nice being sick because no one expects anything of you. Its like being an actress, or a DJ.
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My girl friends complain about getting unsolicited dick pics, but I like them. It helps me weed out the Jews.
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From now til 1/29/21, each date is a palindrome! “Palindrome” not being a palindrome is a real wasted opportunity. Some potential replacements:.-wordrow.-penep.-palinilap.
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Ladies: Another good thing about wearing a mask is if a man can’t see your mouth, he can’t tell you to smile.
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Remember when we read “#” as “pound” instead of “hashtag”? Try it, for nostalgia! Some to get you started: #thepavement #puppies #thatass.
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Sex is great and all but have you ever used a Q-tip at the perfect angle?.
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We don't believe women when they say they don't want kids, or that they'll lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground. #GameofThrones #Dany
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Friend: Jesus you have a lot of stomach issues. How often do you shit your pants?.Me: Depends. Friend: ???.Me: Sometimes I’m in a dress.
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You know the world is bad because any time someone wants to “change the world” it implies “for the better.” Otherwise you’d have to specify.
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"Would you say Ned Stark's favorite cereal is 'Raisin' Bran'?" -@jakeandamir, who has only seen season 1, after I tried to talk to him about Bran. #GameOfThrones.
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Jesus - I thought he died for a sec. Twitter, don’t fuck with me!
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I used to be self conscious about my skin and acne and tried everything but nothing worked. Once a teacher pulled me aside and, unprompted, asked, “Have you tried washing you face? With soap?” . That’s what being on Clubhouse feels like.
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The early bird gets the worm but the late bird gets 12 hours of sleep which sounds a lot better than a worm.
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I used to love water but now I want to drink anything else: coffee, juice, oat milk, Gatorade. When there’s only water? I’m not thirsty. Until right at bedtime, when it’ll definitely wake me to pee, maximum times per night. Then I become a real aqua dumpster. An H2-ho.
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No woman wants to be followed by a creep. Unless it’s on Instagram - follows are follows!.
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my diarrhea is out of control so i bought a butt plug expecting it to act as a stopper. but the poop just coated and lubed it up, which sent it flying out my pants like a popped champagne cork ;) #Sponsored.
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THIS is the hot priest everyone’s talking about?! I don’t see it.
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The Internet is freaking out about John Mulaney's baby but I doubt he can even tell jokes yet.
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Things got a little competitive at this white elephant gift exchange. #XXXMas #HappyHolidays #ChristmasVibrator
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Men get to flaunt their quarantine beards but somehow it’s unladylike when I unveil the one I grew on my vagina!.
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My favorite thing about not having kids is that I can see other peoples bratty kids, and determine that it’s an error in their parenting, one that I would never make.
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Danny Masterson’s accused of raping 4 women. You’ve been silent even though he’s on ‘The Ranch.’ .Despite committing a lesser crime, Louis’s more famous & the bigger story. Looks like you’re covering your own asses, not making decisions based on actual concern over bad behavior.
Based on Louis CK's behavior, we are not making his second stand up special.
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The feminine urge to ask your boyfriend which of your friends he finds hottest.
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“I’m Avital.”. “Avatar?”. “. Sure.”.
“What’s your name?”. “Monica.”. “Like Monica from Friends?”. “Yes. Yes exactly.”.
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This but doctors.
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I don’t get people who are rude to waiters. Unless you’re paying cash — then they don’t know your name.
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I hate when people find out I do standup because then they expect me to stand up.
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Hi I made a GIF. Can everyone use it so my face is everywhere? Thanks!
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every ending is just a new beginning. for example, when you end up alone, aging, and sad, it’s just the beginning of the end!.
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Couples are usually people who really get each other. My guy and I don’t understand each other, but I think that keeps it interesting? When it’s not, ya know, cripplingly lonely.
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hate to be a contrarian, but i think the more things change, the less they stay the same.
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Would be crazy if someone had, say, already been doing a show around this idea for nearly a year with upcoming sold-out shows in LA & NY, and a dozen 4-star reviews. Tickets at
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How is it that I can simultaneously think I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to live, and that if I met Brad Pitt we’d for sure be together? At the very least we’d be great friends and also I should fling myself off of this building.
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I'll write a joke & use it in my act AND on Twitter because, if I can make one extra person laugh, it’s worth it. I just want to spread as much joy as possible, humanize my brand, keep my brand top of mind, partner my brand with influencers, & keep customers of my brand engaged.
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My celebrity look alikes, according to strangers on the internet:
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Wishing you a merry Christmas or a happy new year! (Choose wisely.).
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