Heather Joelle Boneparth
@averagejoelle
Followers
7,951
Following
1,921
Media
1,355
Statuses
15,863
Attorney. Author. Biz affairs for @dougboneparth . Helping couples talk better about money on The Joint Account 💕 💸 👇. Views def my own.
Joined December 2013
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Pinned Tweet
No one prepares you for the real hidden expense of parenthood, and I’m not talking about childcare.
It’s the fruit.
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Men: I will run for office and lie about my entire origin and resume.
Women: The job says 7-10 years of experience. I’m just reaching 7, I’m probably under-qualified, if I apply I’ll def disclose this in my cover letter.
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@dougboneparth
Oh good, with all the money we’ll be saving now, you can finally afford to take me to dinner.
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The evolution of my legal career. Yes, I’m Bill Murray now.
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@dougboneparth
Until you get us more free stuff, I don’t care that you’re a niche internet microcelebrity.
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Does anyone else place items on the grocery conveyer belt by group, so they are bagged with the right things? No? Just me?
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My first race ever. Went from literal couch to 5k during this pandemic and had my first sub-30 run on a 5k ever! I’m proud to be in the best shape of my life after two kids in my mid-Thirties. We should be allowed to say that - I’m freaking proud.
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A friend went $40k over ask for a home. She was “3rd or 4th” in line. How can anyone even want to play this game rn unless your back is against the wall?
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Me getting ready to go out for the second night in a row:
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Me: “Bitcoin’s back at $58,000?”
Husband: “No. That’s my home screen, set to remind me of the good old days.”
Me: 😑
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But really, it’s our anniversary. Five years of wedded bliss - plus another three of communicating through Twitter. I love you,
@dougboneparth
.
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@ShandersWrites
Yup, it’s the wrong calculation that leads to the wrong move too often. They need to consider long-term earnings and the intangible value of continuing her career. But certainly, if they both feel a pause makes the most sense after considering alllll the things, go for it!
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Last night was my 20 year high school reunion.
I matched sequins with the guy who sat behind me in Spanish class.
Lots of people were eager to share about their divorces.
One woman took my phone number to try and sell me Rodan + Fields.
Another looked absolutely stunning and
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There’s nothing worse in this world than eating sushi with people who under order.
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Fun fact: we eat roasted chicken every week bc I crush it.
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Happy birthday a man whose wisdom and humor have only grown with his hair. May this day bring you more digital and IRL joy than you could ever imagine. I love you,
@dougboneparth
! Everyone eat candy and love on this guy today.
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I’m trapped in a hell where my husband tests Tweets on me all day as if it’s real dialogue between two humans.
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It is possible to negotiate 7-figure settlements and also be afraid to fire your cleaning person.
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@dougboneparth
Oh I am sorry my personal and professional lives are not intertwined in a life jello mold like yours such that I have time to delete my promos and weird alumni newsletters every 4 minutes like you.
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Some people are very disturbed over how we sent our daughter to sleepaway camp for 7 weeks. Let’s hit the basics:
- Camp is the ultimate playground for kids, where they make lifelong friends and grow as humans.
- It is a privilege, not a punishment.
- We missed her way more
After 7 weeks at sleep away camp, my girls are finally back together. There are very few things better in life than this moment. I hope you all have an awesome weekend!
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Anyone else sometimes look at their honeymoon photos and shed a tear because you wonder whether you’ll ever be that rested or elastic or naive about what the next decade will bring again? No? Just me?
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I’d like to congratulate my husband
@dougboneparth
for finding 40k people he’d rather talk to than me.
I made him this celebratory balloon arch, but he wasn’t exactly happy about it:
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Smh
My family wanted to see where I lost all our money.
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Wow for all the new followers I obtained due to dunking on my husband, I can assure you, there’s more where that came from.
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Me: “You’ve cleaned one thing in 11 weeks.”
Husband: “OK, Karen, what are you going to do? Call my manager?”
Me: “I am your manager.”
Husband:
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I didn’t sit for a SINGLE interview in NYC where the response to me attending the University of Florida wasn’t, “Oh, that must have been fun.”
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Me: “Did you buy that stupid crypto toad?”
Doug: “I have to check my wallet.”
Me: “DID YOU?!”
Doug:
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“Are you Doug from Twitter?” happened again. I cannot.
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My husband at his fourth couples dinner with parents from school:
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@dougboneparth
If a man asks if you “Notice anything new?” Tell him, “Yes, your hairline surprises me everyday.”
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Happy, healthy, and sweet. I couldn’t ask for more, and I wish all who celebrate the same.
#ShanaTova
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@apbenven
I am crying laughing, but also crying, because I absolutely feel this deep in my winter’s bone.
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What’s it like to have a second child?
Our older daughter memorized our address and phone number when she was four.
My younger daughter is now four. I don’t think she knows our last name.
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Realize how fortunate you are to be able to *stock up* on food, order toys, pay for streaming services, get a new appliance in a pinch. Allow yourself to be humbled by this experience and maybe you’ll be better for it. I’m trying to.
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Ladies, you ever think you look really hot in a sleeveless dress and then the photo comes through and your arm looks like a turkey leg from the medieval fair?
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The look of two people about to share their student loan debt with each other.
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Me refusing to face my husband’s crypto addiction:
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I’m learning my husband’s solution to every backyard problem is to powerwash it. Whatever it is.
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Me and
@dougboneparth
at 19.
He’s aged like a fine wine and my eyebrows grew back, I guess I can’t complain.
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Charcuterie plates were cancelled during the pandemic but I brought it back last night ❤️❤️❤️
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@clhubes
And then one day, the challenges change. Out of the blue. The tugging and crying and middle-of-the-nights become something else. You gain back your physical energy but spend mental energy wondering whether they’re nice enough, grateful enough, perceptive enough. Motherhood. Sigh.
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My daughter graduated preschool today. She is also five *and a half* and the half is important to her.
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My first baby was born a month early and came home at 4.5 lbs. The ped said if she slept >4 hours, she wasn’t sleeping, she was passed out from malnourishment. Her food had to be measured. My milk wasn’t in.
The formula shortage isn’t like your furniture delay. It’s a crisis.
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There really should be a class that teaches spouses how to take decent photos of their wives.
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We’re at the point where my husband’s response to “How was your day?” is just the current price of Bitcoin.
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TRIGGER WARNING: Husband Shares Loving Post for Wife’s Birthday
I’ve made some pretty bad investments in my life, but the absolute best investment was marrying her.
Happy Birthday,
@averagejoelle
. I love you more than making my coffee at home.
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@dhtoomey
Meanwhile some women will literally brush up against another woman at a party and be like *i dIE 4 yOu* in their stories
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I have used the bathrooms at Newark Penn Station and on a NJT Bus to Atlantic City. I do not care what’s in that vaccine.
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My daughter declared she never wants to be like a boy because boys “go bald,” to which I whispered, “don’t tell Daddy.”
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Today is a big day.
After 12 years of lawyering in the insurance industry, today it ends. For now. Forever? Unclear.
Nothing I’m about to do would be possible without
@dougboneparth
. He always believes in me and never hesitates to let everyone know it.
But first, rest.
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I can’t imagine feeling strongly enough about any one phrase to put it on a wooden sign in my home.
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Ladies, a thought: Replace “sorry for the delay” with “thank you for your patience.” Every time. Be less sorry.
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Twitter Titan Changes Tire: A Blockbuster Holiday Movie
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Good morning to everyone except the husbands who think they’re getting away with a bagel brunch tomorrow.
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Since we’re still here, I guess I can share my *personal news.*
After 12 years of corporate life, two babies, and one book baby, I’m joining
@dougboneparth
for real as BFW’s Director of Business and Legal Affairs!
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Parents today will give their kid social media at 8 and still cut their grapes in half.
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In the place I love with the person I love. Lesssgo.
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36 is the age when morning hangovers stop and middle-of-the-night-overs begin.
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We lost my Mom-Mom yesterday.
I got to be there for her final days. I said everything I wanted to say.
I’m an only child, and until yesterday, grandchild. Her memory will be a blessing but her loss is an open wound. I am grateful for my friends’ support, even the internet ones
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Does anyone else get constant Cheech and Chong gummies ads on here or is it just me?
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I may be a lawyer, but you financial types have A LOT of acronyms.
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Kourtney’s love got Travis on a plane again. My love can’t even get a RT from
@dougboneparth
.
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Yesterday, two blocks away from us, a woman was sexually assaulted in her home.
The first comment on our FB page: “She left her door unlocked.”
How are we still doing this? How is this still anyone’s reaction to an act of sexual violence - on your NEIGHBOR.
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My 7 year old said she wants to wear her hair straight because “Walker likes my hair straight” so I spent hours gently advising her that WE DON’T STRAIGHTEN OUR HAIR FOR WALKERS WE STRAIGHTEN IT FOR OURSELVES!
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My dream bf:
-has great hair
-makes his coffee at home
-understands his cash flow
-isn’t on Twitter
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When a mom says she doesn’t want anything for Mother’s Day, what she’s really saying is, it’s not my job to tell you what to get me for Mother’s Day. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
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There are two types of people: those who respect food expiration dates and my husband.
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@dougboneparth
I put AirTags on his coffee mug three months ago. He was too busy tweeting to realize until now.
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There is nothing more impressive than watching my husband pit five local car dealerships against each another to negotiate the best deal a new car. Move over, child day traders, THIS is an art form.
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We’ve been married ten years today. What’s the secret?
Make room.
Make room for each other’s personalities, success, struggles, quirks, and ambition.
If you can’t, ask yourself why?
And if you think you’ve made enough room…make more.
Happy anni,
@dougboneparth
❤️
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I’ve given him a hard time today, but we’re a good team. Yes we are peddling a surrey.
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Millennials: Well, our careers were really shaped by the Great Recession.
2020: Hold my White Claw.
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This isn’t really Twitter content, but
@dougboneparth
and I low-key matched tonight, and I have a feeling you will get a kick out of that.
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Want to hear something funny?
Tomorrow is Bring Your Child to Work Day.
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Me: where have you been you said you’d watch the kids at 2?
@dougboneparth
: my enemies r after me.
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For people who don’t understand the practical implications of this Texas abortion law, allow me to provide a real-world example.
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