audrey farnsworth
@audipenny
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comedian + writer + founder of the billy zane film festival. newsletter @ feel free to hire me and thanks!
Los Angeles, CA
Joined May 2008
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lol hello everyone. i am a recently laid off writer. here are my freelancing services or you can hire me for a writing job if you liked any of my 70 thousand pieces of writing online over the last 10+ years hahaha ok see ya
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jesus christ google yes you can have my location. i’m literally just checking the spelling of a word but by all means, sure, know exactly where I am. freak
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the whale sound in my apartment building has gotten louder so i put up a sign about it in the elevator. hope i get some signatures
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my upstairs neighbors have the life i want. they wake up on a Saturday morning, fall out of bed, and then drop and knock over literally everything they own for 6 or 19 hours. good christ that is the fucking life
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(opening my god damn email) there better not be any god damn emails in here
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Just tried to put on my seatbelt when I sat down at the movie theater and for 1 moment genuinely nothing made sense
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walked by a lady in a mask and I was in my mask and we were obviously trying to smile at each other but it wasn’t working because mask and I was like what do I do shit shit and then she saluted me and i’ve been in shock for 5 hours she knocked that one the fuck out of the park
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I could be productive or I could rub my dog’s little tummy and say “look at dis tummy” I am still deciding on my course of action but it will probably be the tummy thing
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therapist goes on vacation for multiple weeks and the skeleton manning the ship inside my brain starts taking day trips out to sea on a motorboat and comes back holding a pile of algae and shouting IS THIS ANYTHING and I’m like no dude that is NOT ours, put that back immediately
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god i genuinely love to see people cheering at the moon. This shouldn’t just be done at eclipses either, we should all be regularly screaming at the sky
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I was in a Target and a couple walked by me and one of them said “I’ve never been in a target what do they have here” and her dude was like “I don’t know I’ve never been here either” and honestly I have never been more confused in my whole fucking life. I think they were ghosts
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you can’t just slap a squid into a shark week show like it’s a side character. a squid is a main character. give the squid a week. “squeek” there you go. i’ve solved another problem
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it's like a father to me
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Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
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What do you mean, "I need space," are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
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someone took down the sign. I’m moving. But first I’ll make another sign
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[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don't know
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i would like bugs if they would walk into my home and sit in a tiny chair. they come in here running like a renegade and man what am i supposed to do, calm down or you’ve gotta go
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you're applying for
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the paper that muffins sit in is actually their pants
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please don’t be afraid of the skull in the corner. he is friendly
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seeing a bat is a special occasion and i’m always underdressed
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me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where'd you get those tree legs, garden boy
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We asked 500 men what they look for in a woman and then set them adrift on a raft screaming, because just kidding who cares
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(a movie starts and a character is there) my mom: who’s that
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my mom: what if employers see you saying “fuck” online
me: then I suppose it will prepare them for me saying it in person
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this might be unrelated but I’m watching the movie “the core” and one of the characters just started screaming “it’s whales” like 7 times
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"Come along, Trash Spaceship," I say to my purse as we leave the house.
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the candlestick from beauty and the beast was holding two additional heads
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When my therapist is gone for several weeks i warn the tiny skeleton steering the ship inside my brain that he better not get any big ideas for a minute just steer the ship dude you got one job
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everything i see someone on tv do i am like “I miss doing that” even if it’s like solving a crime in a library hundreds of years ago
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me 6 months ago: hey guys
me now: hello my brilliant friends. I have tagged you in this sloth photo that reminds me of us. I love our friendship and these sloths is us. When I hug you in 2021, man I’ll be glad
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cvs cashier: howre you doing this evening
me: (pulling a whole chair out of my purse & sitting down in it) look i didnt prepare for this but
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Cersei has been standing and looking out a window for exactly 7 years
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"Well, this is me," I say climbing into a plant so that we're no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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preferably i would like to come out of quarantine playing an organ as it rises up from the ground
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So I'm just supposed to know that you can't eat the outside of the pineapple, like I'm some sort of scientist
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man who didn’t work at the auto place walked up to me as I was buying a car battery and said “I know a good place that sells car batteries” and I said “is it here” and he said “no” and I said “I also know a place that sells them” and he said “ah where” and I said “here, man”
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I just found a bag of googly eyes in my apartment and exclaimed "shit's about to go down!" to no one & now I'm just sitting here holding it
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Sometimes I see a big leaf on the ground and I'm like "dang were you that big on the tree? that's why you fell off dude"
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You fuckin bet I'm still thinking about them. You fuckin bet I am, it's all I think about
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“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
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person: bye, see you soon
me, following them and frantically shaking a calendar: when exactly
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please do not try to “fist bump” me. i will kiss it. i WILL kiss your folded hand
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Why are you being nice to me, are you making fun of me
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Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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Hey dude you gotta come over and see my dog’s tiny little feet, they’re real tiny today. Maybe more than usual. Do you want to come over and check it out? Do you dude
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the name i force my family to refer to me as during the summer
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Sorry for the confusion, when I said "will you help me" I meant "can you do this"
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Happy valentines day to my husband, the pancake puppet who is a king I made in college. we’ve been together 14 years and it has been Pure shit, i rue the day i brought him into this world. love u sweetie
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[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don't care
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[god, creating armadillos]
put a little rat inside like a rock cape. I literally don't know what I'm doing anymore
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Can you repeat the question, but like to someone else
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what can i say, i wear my heart on my sleeve and my head in my ass
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A little known fact about Godzilla is that he actually loved architecture and respected it he just had places to be
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[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I'll just do what I, a moron, think
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ass deep in another Jane Austen movie and i do believe my brain has grown a tiny bonnet, which is currently pressing against my skull
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You don’t need to scream when you see a skull just sitting there. It’s not going to do anything. And if it did, it would probably be hilarious
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The serving size is not “1/2 muffin” the serving size is whole muffin. I’ll march down to your headquarters and eat your whole establishment i swear to christ. serving size: 1 building. write it down
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Why are chickens a kitchen thing. All these chickens on these oven towels. You rarely see a hallway chicken. I have other questions that I will get to later, but for now it’s just this one
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sometimes i do not believe the car commercials that say they are here for me during this trying time
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Good icebreakers:
-hi HEY. You like sitting or what
-so how many legs you got
-you ever heard of milk? me too, weird
-the sea right? The sea
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it’s almost like you can’t even use an elevator around Christmas time because there’s always a holiday businessman in there who wants to fall in love
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gps: in 600 feet, turn right onto washington boulevard
me: what in the living shit is 600 feet, you unbelievable asshole. this is your fault entirely
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sometimes if i am still feeling anxious after doing some self reflection, i write 3 to 17 paragraphs on my feelings about giant squids
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i don’t understand your gif reply. i don’t get it. why did you send me this little tv show. i hate it
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A girl superhero? Haha, what's next a man in an apron crying everywhere
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ah yes, it is time for the character, who everyone knows. everyone knows this one
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normalize using “Zeus” as a swear word. i would like it to be more offensive than “fuck,” if possible. thank you! i’ll circle back later
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a guy auditioning on American idol was like “I was 4 years old when I got my first guitar” and my mom and I at the exact same time went “who cares” and then we both jumped, startled at how identical of assholes we are
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lady in hallmark movie just said “sorry I’m late, the stars are breathtaking tonight” and everyone was fine with it. no one blinked an eye. those are 2 separate thoughts. u did not arrive late because you were just fucking, looking up. i can’t say “sorry im late, there are birds”
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Why does it feel bad to throw away a sock. I bought it for my foot a while ago and now it’s Bad. Can I please get rid of it? How? The regular trash? Really???
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anybody out on a friday night I greet with “good evening, fellow villains and renegades” and everyone out on a Sunday late morning I greet with “good afternoon, fellow scholars”. Monday through Friday I just say “fuck to you” and Saturday i wear a helmet and only talk to myself
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what is a meat pumpkin spice latte. i will eat it i don’t care
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my neighbor yells “yes” when she is doing sex and sometimes it is at the same time as I yell “no” because I have just dropped my favorite ceramic godzilla figure but then i realize it did not break and we both agree “yes”
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Every day I accidentally play a game called "what's the stupidest sentence I can say to another human person today"
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The minute I even contemplate wearing a white shirt, 11 jars of salsa fall from the sky and spill on it and then it catches on fire
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the earthquake made me nervous so i will be staring at this photo i took of a dog i saw earlier all night who I absolutely believe to be some sort of otherworldly messenger of good news
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iPhone: your storage is almost full
me: uh ok what don't I need. I guess I'll delete all my contacts
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I made a Letterboxd account and I might be doing it wrong but boy am I having a nice time
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my childhood team is in the World Series but I can’t cheer or get upset or my dog gets really concerned and stares at me like this
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every Fucking website: please enter your username and password, a simple task
me:
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I know it's important to "put yourself out there," but here's my argument: what if it's annoying
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If you are at a cabin with your friends it’s probably not a good idea for one of you guys to be a killer!! usually that ends up being a bad situation, in most cases!!! that is just my opinion
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i feel like I shouldn’t have to FUCKING repeat this over and over but skeletons should not have human eyes. skeleton does not have eyes, if you put eyes in there, that’s a different thing. write it down if you’re gonna forget i swear to god
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found out that my mom, the most hilarious and loving woman, truly my hero, has early onset Alzheimer’s last week. I have spent a decade talking about her on here. She’s why I’m funny probably. Anyway, I searched me + “my mom” & reading my tiny stories about her made me smile big
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all packed to go to my parents house and blasting Coldplay in my car & the skeleton manning the ship inside my brain thinks we’re leaving for college and I’m like no man we did that in 2005 and he’s like “it’s time for our new beginning, at school” and I’m like no that was before
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I will flat out not accept a food going bad in my fridge, I paid 79 cents for that boring ass vegetable 200 months ago & will die eating it
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Well well well, if it isn't the person I was mad at for a reason I made up in my head who is actually very nice
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Every lizard stands naturally like it is a captain posing for a painting
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when a kid is like “don’t say your wish out loud or it won’t come true” I’m like little pal live to be as old as me, which is 746, by the way, and you will learn that you actually have to say every single fucking thing that you want out loud, all the time, literally every day
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when a character in a movie defends an asshole guy by saying “he’s not from around here” it’s like so? Where’s he from the rude factory
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