Mr. H 🇵🇸
@asonofapeach
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“what the hell you squirpin like a chirpin like the bird” - you can find me on instagram/tiktok : @asonofapeach
Singapore
Joined November 2012
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Pinned Tweet
You are offended by the things that I say?
Imagine the stuff I hold back.
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As a Singaporean, I’m humbly asking: Korang nak aku cari dia tak? Singapore ni kecik. By Mahgrib dah jumpa.
The Court of Appeal was today informed that Rosmah Mansor has not returned from Singapore despite the High Court issuing an order for her to return by or before Nov 21.
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A kid in class really shared with me this joke. Please read. Aku ketawa terbahak-bahak pasal it’s so stupid:
Pisang goreng kalau panas bunyi apa?
Hihang Hoheng
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Dah over 400 Omicron cases…tak buat apa-apa? Tunggu apa youalls? Tunggu lepas CNY eh?
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That is a Gardenia wrap, kau jangan tipu aku.
First moon landing in over 50 yrs, some of these new images are absolutely Amazing! :)
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Astarghfirullahazim. Cuba bawa mengucap sikit.
Canadian vlogger tries Musang King durian fried rice with sambal belacan in Penang:
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When bermaafan becomes a nagging session. Padan muka.
Pa.
Dan.
Mu.
Ka.
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“Makan luar mahal, makan dekat rumah berbaloi” tu mitos ye. Kau pernah belanja barang dapur tak?
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Listen. You’re going to wake up on 1 Syawal and then shower, pray, take a long nap, wake up, eat, watch a movie, eat, send some messages to your friends and family on WhatsApp, eat, watch another movie and before you know it the day has ended. It’s not that hard. Jangan nak over.
Muslims should avoid Hari Raya visits due to COVID-19 restrictions, religious activities to move online: MUIS
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So do all kids in South East Asia, you’re not special Charlotte.
Princess Charlotte already speaks two languages at just two-years-old
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“KAU AKAN KALAH DIKNON” should be printed on t shirts, tote bags, stickers, car decals, keychains…everything.
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It’s Raya. Time to bring back this gem again. Padan muka kau.
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Dishwasher? What is that? We Asians scrub each and every motherfucking utensil.
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For the LAST time, yes you can hear the Azan being played in mosques in Singapore. You can also hear the sound of kompang being played during weddings and definitely the sound of some random pakcik screaming Pusara Di Lebuhraya on karaoke shortly after that.
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Listen. I was at Starbucks and the barista asked for this lady’s name and this rotted cunt said, “I bet you can’t spell my name right.” And guess what the barista wrote on her cup?
I BET YOU CAN’T SPELL MY NAME RIGHT
Guys.
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There is no such thing as “I love all my children the same.”
Your parents have a favourite child.
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Someone in the thread said that the movie is secondary. It is the fact that there’s no halal gap between them that’s “berbaur maksiat”. Aku mind blown.
Sharifah Sakinah is a mother, and these are kids. Don’t compare your nafsu and then project them on children. Korang gila lah.
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Cousin: Letak je pinggan tu kat dalam sink tak payah cuci.
Me: Siapa cakap aku nak cuci?
Cousin: Eh?
Kucing: Eh?
Paip air: Eh?
Sabun: Eh?
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My doctor is passive aggressive. I went to the clinic yesterday because I have a ear infection.
Me: So I have a bad habit of using a cotton bud to clean my ears and I think it’s inflamed cause it’s very painful now.
Him: So was it worth it?
KAU DIAM EH.
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Wah, some people really take their sahur nutrition seriously eh? That’s good lah. A friend posted sahur consisting of dates, avocado, hard boiled eggs, yoghurt. I’m watching the IG story sambil hirup kuah asam pedas mak aku masak untuk buka semalam.
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My father helps with the laundry. He sweeps and mops. On days that my mother is unable to cook because she’s juggling three shifts, he fixes his own dinner without the slightest disdain. Marriage is helping one another, not a free pass for you to assert your patriachal bullshit.
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I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Indonesian Twitter is something else.
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Sorry Jackie Chan, you may look adorable wearing a songkok but Shah Rukh did it better. Siap dengan samping bhai.
http://t.co/oAxdG8QZ9Y
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Best news I’ve heard today.
Elephants no longer made to perform at Singapore Zoo
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Tak, sekarang kenapa letak nasi dalam kole?
Also, Malay men need to stop obsessing with women and their threshold for hardships. Kalau hidup susah, salah siapa? Itu satu. Dua, kalau dah lapar, apa-apa dekat depan mata tu confirm cekik lah hawau.
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If Jada is Malay her IG story would be, “Kami suami isteri terima segala tomahan yang telah dilemparkan kepada kami dengan hati yang terbuka. Amin! 🙏🏼”
Lepas tu Will repost lepas tu letak caption, “BERANI KERANA BENAR ALLAHUAKBAR!”
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We love a multi tasking queen.
Woman in M'sia rushes to get vaccinated in middle of dye job
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Astarghfirullah hal azim. Aku baru realise yang grab pic profile aku is synced to my social media patutlah selalu susah nak dapat grab diorang semua takut rupanya. Sial lah. Kau maintain eh perangai kau Hafidz. Maintain.
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You know what I REALLY MISS about the pre pandemic days?
Being able to enter a shopping centre from any fucking door.
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Kau punya diversity boleh tahan.
Diversity of PSC scholarship holders not just based on race, language and religion: Chan Chun Sing
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Kerja siapa ni? Aku susah lah dengan Star Lord menyangkung kat tepi dengan kain pelikat macam kalah judi, dengan T’Challa mengajar si Groot mengaji, dengan Hulk nak pukul bedug untuk kejut orang bangun sahur. Ramadan Mubarak!
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Employ Malay models to model your baju raya collection. We want to see how it looks like on our skin yang bronzy, yang sawo matang va va voom ni. Tak masuk akal sial semua model dekat Zalora and Fashionvalet omputih.
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The Malay word for ugly is “hodoh”. If you spell that backwards, it will still be “hodoh”.
So best believe that if you are called hodoh, that means you are ugly from the front, back and at every angle.
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Anyone who has spent enough time in the kitchen would tell you that sugar and salt looks completely different from one another.
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Bila tanya soalan kat WhatsApp group chat tapi takda yang menjawab.
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Kau ingat senang nak jadi makcik? Dah kantoi, dengan cepat itu tudung aku tanggalkan. Lol.
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I just saw a video of kangaroos running away from the fire in Australia and someone asked about the fate of the other animals who cannot run fast enough and my day is officially spoiled. Oh Allah, may you shower the Earth with your blessings and keep all living things safe, amin!
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Maaf guys, maaf:
Tambang bas 60 sen. Ali cuma ada 50 sen tapi dia boleh naik bus. Macam mana?
Dia bayar 50 sen lepas tu buat muka seposen.
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When humans act with cruelty, we characterize them as “animals”, yet the only animal that displays cruelty is humanity. - Anthony D. Williams
Pregnant elephant in India dies standing in river soothing pain after villagers fed it pineapple with firecrackers
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Sakit sial hati aku tengok.
If Avengers Endgame was shot in Singapore... (credits to Francis Tan)
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God forbid if any brown person in this country dare to talk about systemic and structural injustice of any sort while a minister can tell us that “we are not ready for a non Chinese PM”. Who is “we”? It’s not us browns, that’s for sure.
#istandwithraeesah
JUST IN: Police investigate WP Sengkang GRC candidate Raeesah Khan for alleged online comments promoting "enmity between different groups on grounds of religion or race"
#GE2020
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Nyah, pergi mandi. Kau tadi pagi dah buat Tai Chi kan? Ni badan dah lekit tapi kau sibuk dengan kau punya syiling!
'Tested magnetic positive': Some S'poreans claim to be magnetic due to Covid-19 vaccines
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This is very important. Stop shaming your partner for wanting their own “me” time and for wanting to be apart from you sometimes to recharge.
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Fully reconsidering my career path.
Best job in the world where you need to pay $9.50 an hour to get hired
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Why do some Malaysians think we Malays in Singapore have lost every ounce of Islam-ness after saying goodbye in ‘65?
The only thing we are lesser in comparison to you guys is our Nasi Lemak tu je. Yang lain semua sama (if not more). Kita masih Islam dikkkk. Aiyoh.
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When you try to do a face swap and end up being the Dajjal instead.
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So a kid shared with me this joke: Have you heard of Megatron’s cousin from Indonesia?
Sinetron.
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Kalau kahwin tapi setiap malam menangis dengan merintih, lagi bagus toksah kahwin. Tengok je telemovie Daun Ketupat Kering.
A wife’s self worth is not calculated from the tears that she sheds for her husband. Stop propagating such rubbish lah.
Mak selalu pesan,
"Kalau kita nak jadi isteri yang baik, kita kena bangun malam. Kena merintih. Banyak menangis. Sebab kita ni lemah. Nak ubah suami pun payah. Nak cakap dengan suami lagi susah. Jadi, kita bercakaplah dengan Allah. Doakan kesalahan suami pada Allah.
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Ariana Grande in a hijab really be looking like a sharifah who would never date any men from another race because “you tak ada darah arab, my parents tak suka”.
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Mariah Carey in a hijab looks like every actress from Malaysia who is originally from Kelantan, has her own tudung line and supplement drink for women and is now starring in a drama series opposite Zul (suka mumble) Ariffin.
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Cerita Hantu: So I sometimes share ghost stories on my podcast. One of the episodes was about a noja in a mosque somewhere in the eastern part of Singapore. He said that there have been numerous occasions where jemaah will see black figures walking around. Once during Ramadan (1)
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Oh, fuck off.
Dog abuser pleads to judge not to ban her from keeping pets, which are her ‘emotional support’
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If there is one change I want to see this Syawal, it is for mothers to stop babying their sons. Make them fucking refill the kuih when the balang is empty and tuang the goddamn air for guests. Make them iron their own bloody baju Melayu. Don’t be fucking useless.
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I really got shouted by the lady at the reflexology centre for not being able to speak Mandarin. “Why no speak Chinese?! This Singapore!”
Mentang-mentang dia ringankan kaki aku dengan urut, dia mintak aku terajang muke dia sekali ke per?
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“Dah kahwin ke belum?”
“Belum cik.”
“Make sure next year aku lalu aku tak nampak muka kau.”
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Can we all just agree that whatever you wear on the sejadah, whether it’s an expensive telekung or a cheap one, you are still equal in the eyes of God? The ability to afford is a capitalist social construct, what has religion or ibadah got to do with it? I cannot brain.
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When you're taking your wudhu at the mosque and the person next to you is splashing water all over the place.
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PIN PAKAI KAT TUDUNG BUKAN KAT PIPI HAHAHAHAHA KORANG SIAL LAH KORANG MEMANG TAK PATUT ADA TWITTER HAHAHAHAHA
Okay, tapi pin tu pakai kt tudung sayang.. bukan kt pipi 😭
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Konsep “diam tanda setuju” tu dah tak valid untuk aku. Aku diam pasal aku malas nak layan, bodoh.
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Kalau nak cari peguam, cari aku. Confirm kes kau menang. Kalau tak aku bakar makhamah tu.
#makcik
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As a kid, waking up for sahur is one of the most difficult things to do. Now as an adult, I look forward to sahur because it is the only time that I know I can have everyone on the dining table, together.
Walaupun satu-satu muka kopet, mood cam haram. Lol.
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I really paid $70 to have him talk to me like an ex. I love him though.
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Dalam banyak-banyak nasi, nasi apa yang paling susah ditelan?
Nasihat.
(such a simple and yet piercingly true teka-teki)
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I’m not one to talk about my relationship status because it’s private but I think it’s time you all meet my gf. We’ve been together since secondary school. Her name is Nisa and she’s a nurse at SGH. We’ve been engaged for a year and a half now. So...yeah.
#happilyattached
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Mikimos.
gaji 30juta euro setahun, ga bisa beliin anak baju dan mikimosnya cacat gitu
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LOST IT AT THE PART WHEN SOME RANDOM NEIGHBOUR AT THE END SHOUTED “I WANT TO SLEEP”!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NAK TIDUR PUN TAK SENANG!
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Watched Crazy Rich Asians. That scene at Newton Circus when Nick said “this is the best satay you’ll ever find” made me so angry like fuck you, rich people really don’t know shit. We all know the best satay is Haron’s at East Coast Lagoon. Okay tu je. Bye.
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So wait.
Coco is married?
As a second wife?
While the first wife is still pregnant?
Damn Coco is living the
#sinetronlife
man.
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My great, great grandmother in 1874. She was the first known person to contact conjunctivitis.
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Why gahmen say “circuit breaker” instead of “lockdown”?
It’s all about the choice of words honey. Different people react to different words, differently. You all gahmen say dorscon orange oredi you all chao cheebye hog the supermarket, still wanna argue about semantics ah?
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Okay lah CNY dapat berkumpul 8 orang pasal pada diorang nombor 8 tu HENG pe. Kita rukun Islam 5 je kan. Gitu lah cerita dia nak sedap kan hati kan?
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