One Angry Eyebrow: and 200 Solemn Faces 🪁
@angry_eyebrow
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Only one crazy person per boat, and since I’m already on this one… you will have to find another.
New South Wales, Australia
Joined January 2010
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Pinned Tweet
I need a tattoo on my hand that says “stay in the bloody moment, you’re making yourself fucking miserable worrying about stuff that may never happen!”
I’m just concerned I would choose the wrong font.
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Wyangala Dam overflowing, proper Hollywood disaster flick stuff.
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A friend of mine took his wife out for her birthday in Glenelg today.
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This one board found more jobs for people than the entire Job Network Provider in Australia put together.
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My favorite dashcam video ever.
Definitely volume up.
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Yesterday when I went to check on my father, I found him dead. I’m basically broken. I’m in shock, and will be fuckall use to anyone for a while. I don’t know when I’ll log back in, I’m doing all the required stuff now… then I’ll collapse. X
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Furniture designed to make people angry…
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When John Howard dies and they give the old war criminal a state funeral, I look forward to all the versions of Frankie Boyle’s Thatcher joke.
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Oh god, the potato experts have arrived:
Let me just eat my SCALLOP in peace!
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Just saw a Minerals Council of Australia ad warning about the dangers…(wait for it)… equal pay.
We should be mulching billionaires.
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You try and tell kids these days that on hot days you traveled with the train doors open while you smoked… and they won’t believe you.
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People ask me why I refuse to use the auto checkouts ever, why I will wait in a long line to deal with a real person, why I will leave a store if they have no checkout open. I will even abandon a full trolley.
Because if enough of us did it they would get rid of them.
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@BiddyCross
What the fcuk is a “solid man”?
How about us gaseous men?
What about my liquid mate Jack?
And don’t get me started on my friends who identify as a plasma.
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I want a simple life, all I need is a couple of books and some plants.
1 year later:
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Guy across the road just started mowing his lawn at 845pm on a Saturday… I’m allowed to kill him right?
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So we went from bra ads to constant diseased toes ads.
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Seriously my idea of hell. Cueing, Crowds, Covid, and a whole pack of Cs…
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And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a electric automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful shopping centre.
And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"
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You should definitely cook a pavlova in your air fryer, because nothing improves the subtle taste of meringue like the lingering smell of last weeks chicken nuggets.
Subscribe for more cooking tips.
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What is a word that can get in the bin in 2024?
I’ll start:
MANCAVE
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Am I the only person in Australia that’s never even heard the Paul Kelly Gravy song?
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Honestly, is dressing up as a Nazi even in the top 10 of disturbing things Dominic Perrottet has done?
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So if you have an appointment in the afternoon that means you get nothing done all day while waiting for it… that’s not just me right?
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You try telling kids these days that you used to be able to drive your own car, into a park full of lions and the only safety warning was “don’t wind down your windows”.
They won’t believe you.
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I will let you in on a secret.
Even if
#AustraliaDay
wasn’t on a problematic date I wouldn’t celebrate it.
The whole jingoistic nationalism thing sends a cold shiver down my spine.
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Do you ever go to bed when you’re not tired, but you just want to be bored in a more comfortable place?
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Anyone need a potato scallop?
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Australia where you get judged for seeing a therapist or taking antidepressants, but applauded for drinking an entire bottle of red wine every Friday.
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Not the same sign when you remove it from the kitchen…
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I just bought a desk from MC ESCHER-MART…
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What’s worse than opening a box and having a possum jump out at you? Going to move the box and finding a second possum.
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We should just shut down everything for winter, all shutters closed, larders full of preserves and salted meats.
Humans aren’t designed to function all year round.
Mandatory 3 months sabbatical for everyone.
Who’s in (and staying in)?
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@Riley7News
@ScottMorrisonMP
@7NewsAustralia
Maybe reporters should go out and actually do their own reporting on his visit then? Rather than just waiting for pre approved handouts from the PMO?
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I was taught the nutbush by my babysitter Leanne, that babysitter went on to marry some old guy that bought her a pink car.
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Guess who’s ex-wife just brought them half a homemade cheesecake?
*because the party they made it for was canceled, they didn’t want to eat the whole thing, and they needed to borrow an angle grinder.
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Four times… that’s how many times I have sold this stove. Each time with a $150 non refundable deposit, and each time the person couldn’t come collect. I have now made $600 selling a stove for $500.
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So I now officially own 4 acres of
trees, a few snakes, many echidnas, and theoretical platypus or two.
And possibly elves, as I haven’t checked the deep woods yet.
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Yesterday Me: No more furniture buying and no more lifting stuff!
Today Me: But its a key rack from a Melbourne hotel!
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One of the items that was uncovered during the clear out.
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My parents standing outside their first home in 1974,
which only cost them a few thousand dollars to buy.
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In news that will come as zero surprise to anyone:
I am physically and mentally drained after today, and may require a little time to process it. And while I managed to get it done without any valium, I will need a couple to switch my brain off.
I have done the deed.
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So the local drug dealer is bad because he ruins lives and thrives on misery, but the local publican with a pub full of pokies is a respectable business owner.
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A small child with their own lawnmower just knocked on the door and offered to mow my front lawn for 5 bucks.
That’s much better than the usual religious door knock.
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Me convincing an elderly racist relo to vote yes by explaining it was like the gay marriage thing… if you vote yes it will stop being on the news, if you vote no it will be everywhere for years.
*by any means necessary.
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A coffee machine should know better than to display a CLEAN ME alert on a Sunday morning.
How about you just give me a coffee and we will talk about your needs later.
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I’m single, do I really need to assemble the other side?
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Promite, it’s like Vegemite for people with tastebuds…
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For anyone that’s ever tried to give something large away on marketplace.
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Just washing the gravy boats for Christmas dinner with the relatives next month.
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My undying gratitude goes out to all those people that buy expensive gifts for people that then donate them to opshops.
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Entering the zone…
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The most painful part of medical tests is having to watch Sunrise in the waiting room…
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I must stop referring to my upcoming colonoscopy/gastroscopy as an exploratory spit roasting.
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Tweet Anniversary:
Derryn Hinch had a rant about Tom Gleeson winning Gold, asking “Question: why anyone would give the logie to this joke”.
So I said -
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Yesterdays genie bottle all cleaned up and sitting with its friends…
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The best thing about it being 7 days till Christmas, is that it’s only 8 days till hot cross buns go on sale.
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Special camping milk for your coffee that doesn’t require refrigeration:
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It’s the end of the world as we know it…
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Having a father that is a close friend, a constant support, that coffee buddy that you chat with a couple of times a week, and has zero judgment of what you do is great.
Right up until the point they die.
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This year I’m trying to get in the habit of just doing quick jobs as soon as I see them.
If it will take 60 seconds or less I will just do it straight away, things like:
Unpacking dishwasher
Taking out trash
Wipe down countertops
Have sex
Put on a load of washing
Etc…
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The angels have the tardis!
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I’ve decided the only acceptable topping for crumpets is butter. Please adjust your eating habits accordingly.
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This is where the platypus showed up just long enough for me to get my phone out, and then disappeared before I could get a picture…
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This was my favorite chocolate as a child, which is why I grew up to be a pirate…
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Any man who responds
#NotAllMen
to Domestic Violence posts is definitely ONE OF THOSE MEN.
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Me responding to flirting:
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Tonight’s comfort nostalgia crime is cheese on tinned pineapple slices grilled…
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A plain white tradie ute and $7 hiviz shirt from salvos… pretty much a permit to go anywhere no questions asked.
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Remember to carry sidewalk chalk at all times…
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I just picked up another tiny house…
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Just dropped them all at the copshop, no drama.
He asked if my dad knew they were up there, I said let’s say he didn’t.
Done and dusted and I am off to get a cheesecake for dessert.
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Everytime I see Sam Newman trending I’m hoping it’s followed by: “...was found in a hotel room today, the police say it looks like a case of auto-erotic asphyxia gone wrong”.
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Why I can’t go back to my therapist:
I have been struggling to demolish the room I found my father in. Every time I go in there I have a panic attack
My current plan is to go out there, take 3 valium and just push through
I’m sure any therapist would agree this is brilliant
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Remember it’s only 7 weeks till Christmas.
Start getting into fights now with friends and relatives to avoid unwanted invitations to awful parties.
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Eveyone please post gif of your favourite show when growing up.
Eveyone please post gif of your favourite show when growing up.
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I’m going to follow doctors orders and dial back everything causing me stress for a couple of weeks to try and let myself heal.
Over Christmas seems like the perfect time to try. So I’m going to let stuff slide, take naps, draw stuff, watch movies and let the grass grow.
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I’m going to crank up the heating up and let 2 months from now me deal with the bill. I’m cold, miserable, and feeling vaguely put upon by an unfair universe… and freezing to death isn’t going to help matters.
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I’m usually very tolerant of other people’s cultures, but there’s a limit.
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Enid Blyton dropping truth bombs:
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What in the werewolves of london is going on with this pool table?
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Just grabbing a coffee and then I might drive by the police station… um maybe drive by is a poor choice of words.
And yes I will go into the station first and let them know the guns are in the car. Probably a bad idea to just wander in 😂
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These mountains are very blue, I wonder what they are called?
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Do you ever have a dream so messed up and realistic that you know that there is some serious subconscious processing going on?
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The Venn diagram of people giving stump removal advice vs people that have actually removed a stump themselves.
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The picture of Grandma that lets you know it’s been too long since anyone visited her.
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There was a tea towel stash in the cabinet…
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10 years ago I just happened to be in Highgate cemetery for
#towelday
Douglas Adams was huge influence on my writing, especially The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul.
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I hide my valuable antiques in the freezer…
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I got so excited about seeing a fifty in the washing machine, until I remembered it was mine already.
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