Andrew Durso
@andrew_durso
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me takin a blood test in front of my boys to prove i’m not a cake
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chevy chase is the weirdest celebrity of all time because every story about him is like “Chevy was backstage and he told me he hopes my mom gets AIDS and then I have sex with her and we both die from AIDS” but then his comedy is like “what if you bumped into a desk”.
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jordan peterson: that Tasmanian beast means a whole bloody lot to a whole lot of people. And when you take him and Bugs, and you dress them up in those baggy shorts, with the backwards hat and the hip hop sneakers? The degree of chaos *starts crying* that introduces.
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charlie brown: *holding gun* don’t fuck with me man, you’re FUCKING with me, i am not a man to be fucked with. hostage negotiator: wah weh weh womp womp, wah weh.
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“what’s a photo that encapsulates your energy” I’m a grown man i don’t have “energy.” I live in a 2br railroad apartment. I just got a blink fitness membership. every night i watch three hours of youtube video with names like We Made the Kind of Sprite They Drank in the Civil War.
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ME: you’re making me mad noam, sign the fucking letter noam.NOAM CHOMSKY: (tied to chair) but i don’t know what it means, who is “wii fit trainer” and why should she have “bigger, more radical hooters”.MARGARET ATWOOD: (tied to chair) noam just sign it, you’re gonna get us killed.
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it’s fucked up how good a name “philip glass” is for that guy.
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chuck wendig thinking he has the cosmic clout to pull this off is so funny dude. people haven’t forgiven lars ulrich for the napster shit and that guy played drums on RIDE THE LIGHTNING. chuck wendig writes YA lit and tweets that are like “the force is strong with guacamole”.
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boy you know i got that hugh hefner swag (i wear a robe at 4:00 pm, my house smells like cum, everyone will be happy when i die).
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22 year old gf: happy valentine’s day. 38 year old bf: they don’t play, fuckin, they don’t play music videos on mtv anymore!!.
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when you get sober they should give you a cowboy hat. that way you’ll be a party and someone will be like “andrew can i get you something to drink oh my god i’m so sorry i didn’t see your hat” and then you’ll just nod and be like “partner.”.
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the gamestop manager flips the lights and heads home for the night. suddenly, all the pvc figurines spring to life. “damn, i hate having to stand still all day” groans sephiroth. “i thought he’d never leave” says solid snake. “christopher columbus was a great man” shouts mario.
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MARC MARON: now does the whole “serial killer” label bother you?.JIGSAW: *thinking for a bit* it did starting out, yes.MARC MARON: because i think what everyone’s missing there is, you give people the choice.JIGSAW: of course, that’s the whole idea.
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"humans aren't wired for monogamy." yes they are. wanting to fuck was invented by austin powers in the sixties, it didn't exist before then. you're either a liar or you're ignorant.
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stand up: i look like if bono fucked a soccer ball. one man show: *walking across stage* oh hey! didn’t see you there. wow, autumn in new york city. reminds me of my grandpa. on days like this we’d go to central park and he’d tell me “you look like if bono fucked a soccer ball”.
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*2006 george carlin voice* nowadays you got incels, volcels, femcels, gymcels, splinter cells, what happened to bein a guy who just doesn’t fuck.
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whole concept of “no skips” is stupid. for an album to truly be great it needs minimum one song that sucks ass. every smiths album has a song called “radcliffe, you’ve a hangnail” that’s complete shit and makes the entire thing better.
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feels genuinely biblical that enough people were being weird losers about sex scenes that paul verhoeven was activated.
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fellini movies are like “welcome to italy. we’re all rich. you can walk into a mcdonalds and all the customers and employees are hot 33 year old sex addicts with big dicks and massive jugs. but it’s really sad too.”.
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account called Vintage New York: Lou Reed and Grace Jones hang out at the Pyramid Club, 1986. account called Vintage Boston: Old man walks into glass door at Bertucci’s, 1978.
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what you don’t see in a horror movie is often scarier than what you do see. in Frankenstein (1931), slightly off camera to the left, there’s a second, taller Frankenstein.
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av club 2011: Isabella Rossellini on Her Friendship With Lynch, Why Theater is Always Better, and the Novel That Changed Her Life. av club 2022: *waterboarding me in a motel* 30 Moments We Were All Miss Piggy pg. 1 of 82.
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the question of who would win in a battle between godzilla and jigsaw is moot. godzilla leads a completely virtuous existence, for what reason would jigsaw do battle with him.
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they don’t have criterion channel on the playstation yet because it’d be too funny. it’d be too funny if you were watching mishima a life in four chapters and then a thing went off in the corner that was like “UPDATE - CRASH BANDICOOT: THE N-SANE TRILOGY has finished downloading”.
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they should make a reverse cocaine where you snort it and you’re like “i want to fucking die” but later when you’re alone at 5:00 am you’re like “life is all about music and money!!!!”.
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“shove a fan inside a computer so it doesn’t get too hot” seems like some real first draft shit but it worked, so good on them.
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if you open microsoft word and try to write blazing saddles the paper clip pops up and tells you you “couldn’t write this today”.
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lived with an nyu dropout/aspiring fashion designer for a bit in 2016. worst roommate i’ve ever had. one time he ditched his grandma who was visiting for the afternoon to go hang out with his friends, and cause i felt bad for her we watched two hours of ncis new orleans on my ps4.
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posting two tweets “we are not like this” and “this is who we are” and deleting whichever one gets less likes.
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33 year old: not gonna lie i still bump say anything from time to time 😂 if you don’t like the same music you liked in high school that’s low key sus. vaccine worker: shut up!!!! shut the fuck up!!!!!!!.
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wow. good on the zodiac for posting this. it doesn’t fix everything but it’s a step in the right direction.
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2009 comedy starring jonah hill: hey dude i love you, no brokeback. 17 year old on imdb message boards: utter trash. my favorite comedy is duck soup.
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men will literally go to therapy because it’s the only thing keeping their band together during the tumultuous recording of st anger.
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reservoir dogs came out eight years after like a virgin. the equivalent today would be if you made a movie where a bunch of cool as shit murderers broke down “party rock anthem” by lmfao.
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replayed cyberpunk with a different penis size and the differences were astounding. no two people are going to experience this game the same way
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*talking to a girl* yeah sorry i can’t really eat hot dogs when the FREAKING ocean is on fire *she’s not interested, i start panicking* you wanna see me put my hand on the grill.
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1986 heavy metal guy: *fuzz mustache, drinking a schlitz while it’s still light out* my fucking brother’s joining the air force. 2022 heavy metal guy: *warby parker glasses, had a clif bar for lunch* Sinus Headache is touring.
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the Fremen practice a mode of traversal known as “Sandwalking”
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a dennis miller/jim breuer podcast would be so good. one guy being like “trusting a socialist with your money is like trusting caligula to honor his nuptials” and then the other guy is just like (pterodactyl noises).
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jigsaw: red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather *clears throat, hits record* glood morning, detective hoffman *hits pause* fuck.
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that scorsese/marvel thing rocked. i wish everything was as cut and dry as nice 5’4” italian grandpa vs disney. life’s so rarely that simple these days.
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years later my brain’s pleasure receptors are still recovering from this headline. it knocked everything off balance. i can’t taste good food anymore. all music sounds like a guy yawning.
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Glenn Danzig tearing his hotel room apart for twenty minutes, looking for a pen, finds one and writes this down:
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me: can i get a burger.alamo drafthouse waiter: you mean a Movie Burger?.me: yeah yeah and some fries.alamo drafthouse waiter: you mean Movie Fries?.me: buddy i fuckin, i swear to god.
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*two of my friends are really pissed at eachother* haha uh ohhh we got a standoff *tries to do the good the bad and the ugly whistle to be funny but instead the moves like jagger whistle comes out*.
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we need a James Bond that throws trash dick. just a guy that wears huge basketball shorts and smokes indoors.
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i hope “console wars” shit goes on forever. it’s so funny. it’s so funny that every day after middle school i used to go on the internet and lay my honor on the line to defend sony, the japanese digital camera company.
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michael jai white wrote and starred in one of the funniest movies of the last twenty years and then immediately went back to making straight to redbox movies called Left Hook 4: Codename Airport, insane respect
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time to pull out the big guns
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every man’s deepest desire is for jackie chan to swing a refrigerator door open into our face. we want this ten times more than money and twenty times more than sex.
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lmao here’s my impression of the decemberists: dehhh i’m a fifteen year old that reads for fun. my best friend at school is the nurse.
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“angel attack” from the evangelion ost blaring as paul verhoeven rises from the earth.
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every girl i know is a spiritual, radiant italian american princess and every guy i know is an unsuccessful, narcoleptic christian rock musician
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ME: women be watching baz luhrmann’s romeo + juliet.TWITTER: what the fuck.ME: shit uhhh i mean uhhh white women be watching baz luhrmann’s romeo + juliet.TWITTER: *smiles, nods*.
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now that Undertaker's retired he's gonna do a buncha interviews and we're gonna learn demystifying shit about him like "oh I love Radiolab".
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how come these adult animation nerds never talk about the scene transitions on home improvement? a little man would build a brick wall and then blow it up and the next scene was behind it. that shit ruled. fuck pixar.
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1937 BROADWAY PRODUCER TELLING ME MY CAREER’S OVER: andy i’ll give it to ya straight - you’re washed up! has been! you’re last week’s chowder, get it? you’re hot soda, from here out! doodoo? butthole? mellon collie and the infinite sadness? however you slice it, you’re mouthwash!.
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funny thing guys over forty do is say “looks like i’m getting laid tonight boys” in reference to their wife/girlfriend.
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alt-right dudes just wanna listen to video game soundtracks and now they gotta pretend to like the smiths. it’s so funny to me i almost hope kate bush says something racist.
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*six year old girl skips the line in front of me at gamestop to buy the last disney’s mulan branded funko pop* okay twitter, let’s have a thread about white women and entitlement.
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YOU: You're not funny. ME: Hey lady I don't come down to where you work and tell you deep, sobering truths about yourself.
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me: well a lot of people make that mistake. the puppet’s name isn’t jigsaw, it’s billy the puppet. jigsaw’s just the name of the jigsaw killer. smokin redhead 5’11” barista who follows me on letterboxd: oh my god i’m so sorry.
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laughter spreads the virus so when theaters reopen the only comedies allowed are unfunny ones. i’m talkin noah baumbach stuff about going on vacation with your dad who was a famous ventriloquist in the seventies or superhero movies where iron man says like “easy there, big guy”.
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“getting vaccinated does NOT mean” becoming an all time worst joke format. you just have to remember a movie.
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new show for the rebooted g4 network: aaron sorkin prestige drama about an esports team called “THE DISCORD”
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talking this way is more embarrassing than being someone who earnestly says “bazinga”
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gorilla: *sign language* me want banana. me: *signing back* You Don’t Want Banana, You Want Validation For Being Good Gorilla That Come With Being Given Banana.
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time magazine: If There’s One Thing 2020 be Having it’s the Nerve. From Wet Ass Pussies, to Murder Hornets That We’re Still not Sure Aren’t Secretly Cakes, it’s the Year That Left us all Grillpilled. 67 year old uncle at the supermarket: what.
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morrissey got famous because the british didn’t have a garfield. the two perform very similar functions.
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saying “yeah the new fiona’s incredible” to myself in the mirror, practicing for when everything comes back and i see the barista i like.
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ladies a lil thought exercise: you’re sittin down in the movie theater with garrett, your boyfriend of four years. you’re gonna see star wars episode ten, which you’ve been excited about for months. the lights dim, the movie starts, and this happens. do you say yes
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getting this guy to do my stunts for an upcoming webseries i'm filming about mental health and having roommates.
Chris Evans' stunt double behind the scenes of 'Avengers: Age of Ultron'
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eminem rocks because all of his songs are super evocative of the time they came out in. all eminem songs from 1999 are like “i killed princess diana. i got a fuckin evil osmosis jones that lives in my head”.
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the fembots when austin powers starts stripping.
Xbox Series X users are reportedly facing hardware issues on launch day, as multiple consoles start to smoke. #XboxSeriesX #Xbox
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Orson Welles: *completely shithouse wine drunk* ohhhhh the champions of Raid Shadow Legends! are renowned for their…. gallantry.
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oh, you guys are listening to eminem? “mom’s spaghetti.” haha, that’s just a funny little thing i say when eminem comes up 🙂 there’s a youtube video where they replace every line in lose yourself with “mom’s spaghetti.” you probably haven’t seen it because it only has 362m views.
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sorry if we’re being honest there’s a small part of me that wants to look like this. if i looked like this i’d just sit by a pool and listen to michael mcdonald all day, robe open with turqouise boxer briefs, screaming into a cell phone from 1993 that doesn’t actually get service
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pete: our guest today is elizabeth warren, and liz, right off the top, my condolences about bailey 4.warren: thank you, that's very kind.pete: we're currently on chasten 7, and it's, it's something you never get used to.
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