Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
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Focused on family violence and mental health. Dad. MPH. Book Author. Published Researcher. Multi-Disciplinary Educator.
Indianapolis, IN
Joined November 2016
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I met my stepson the day before his 9th birthday. He’s turning 17 soon & last night came up and said I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you. From day 1 you always made it not just about my mom but me too. You came into our life and made me feel like I mattered too 😭
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When victims of abuse disclose abuse, they aren’t “playing the victim”, they ARE the victim, and they aren’t “making the perp out to be a monster” either…they are making the perp out to be exactly who they really are.
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Children who live in abusive homes don’t “grow up quickly”, they have their childhoods stolen from them.
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Abusers don’t generally take it very well when victims start talking about the abuse.
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You can’t even start to HEAL from abuse until you are SAFE from abuse.
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Most abuse happens behind closed doors so if you aren’t standing inside of that closed door it’s probably best to acknowledge you can’t speak to whether or not abuse occurred. Even if you “know” the perp, you may not “know” them the way others do.
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My personal belief is that 100% of children who reside in a home where domestic violence occurs are harmed in some way.
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When victims of abuse disclose the abuse, they don’t “ruin” the perpetrator’s reputation. The perpetrator ruined THEIR OWN reputation when they committed the act.
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My dog Shelby didn’t merely save my life in a single moment but rather moment after moment, day after day, year after year…in SO MANY ways. My book on the importance of pets to victims of domestic violence is dedicated to him. Book link:
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Victims of abuse don’t need to be reconciled with the perpetrator, they often need to be kept as far from them as possible. Victims can’t heal until they are safe and few feel safe while in proximity to the perpetrator of their harm.
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Silencing victims is the same as telling abusers “carry on”.
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When victims of abuse disclose they don’t “ruin” the perpetrator’s reputation, the perp ruined their own reputation in committing the act(s).
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People still act shocked that a child could live in an abusive environment and not tell anyone about it until decades later when they finally feel safe. Highlights how little the general public (and some agencies) really seem to understand about these issues.
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Abuse disclosures don’t come “late”, they come when victims are safe (enough) and able to make them.
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Emotional abuse often causes significant PHYSICAL harm. It harms our brain and many other body systems so critical to survival. Emotional abuse shortens lives.
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Victims of abuse do not owe the perpetrator of abuse ANYTHING at all. They should be allowed to talk about the abuse if they choose to and should certainly never be pressured to “forgive”, “forget”, or “just get over it”.
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I’m talking openly about my father’s threats to sue me for describing his emotional abuse of my mom, because in youth when it was happening I was too scared to talk about it. The way I handled it back then resulted in me wanting to kill myself. Im not afraid any more.
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Just because you “know” someone you see at the gym, at work, at church, at the bar, etc doesn’t mean you have any idea who they are at home. Many perps of abuse can be pleasant in society and something entirely different at home.
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I believe 100% of children who reside in a home where domestic violence occurs are harmed by it.
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When the abuser is your parent, the harm usually lasts for your entire life. You get older, things change, but the harm persists. They find new ways to hurt you.
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You can’t fully heal from abuse until you are safe from abuse.
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You can’t fully heal from abuse until you are safe from abuse.
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Abuse is “messy” for victims. Our brains can “fog” our memories as a protective measure. For this reason and many others, perpetrators are likely to have the upperhand in the courtroom. Hardly feels like “justice” is served in many cases. Often the opposite.
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When you abuse someone, you don’t just hurt them there in that moment, but potentially can change their entire life’s course. The impact of abuse is often significant and long-term. The pain, hurt, and harm can literally reverberate for a lifetime. Sometimes even longer.
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So when victims of abuse make the difficult decision to cut an abusive family member out, don’t judge or shame them. You don’t know all the details and they are likely in great need of support as they choose to put their health and that of THEIR family first.
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Disclosing abuse doesn’t “ruin the perpetrator’s reputation”, when they committed the act(s) they ruined their own reputation.
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Victims of abuse owe the perpetrator nothing (yes even when the perp is a family member)…actually ESPECIALLY when the perp is a family member.
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Emotional abuse targets the brain. That alone should be enough for it to be given greater consideration than it often receives.
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Psychological abuse can certainly be violent. After all, it’s a form of military warfare, & I’ve heard psychological abusers say their intent was to DESTROY the other person. Psychological abuse is a direct attack on the human brain & that’s a fairly important part of the body…
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Survivors of emotional abuse indicate that having just one person (or pet) show unconditional positive regard can be life-changing and even life-saving.
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For many survivors of emotional abuse, it’s only after they are free from the relationship that they begin to more fully realize the squalor they were living in.
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Children aren’t basketballs. We can’t just assume they will magically “bounce back” from childhood trauma. Many don’t.
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When you protect perps of abuse over victims of abuse, the world ends up like it is today.
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People who claim to not see emotional abuse as a “big deal” probably either haven’t experienced it or are the ones perpetrating it.
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If you abuse your children and/or child’s other parent, you don’t get to play victim when your children grow up, see your abuse for what it was, and determine the best option for them and their family is no contact with you.
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Children don’t “bounce back” from abuse. They may find ways to be healthy and successful as adults, but we are never the same after that harm. Stop banking on children “bouncing back” as basketballs and instead let them enjoy the childhood they deserve. One free from abuse.
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When a victim discloses abuse, they don’t “ruin the perpetrator’s reputation”. Perpetrators of abuse ruin their own reputation when they commit the act(s).
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If you have a parent that has never sincerely apologized for or owned any of their harmful actions towards you, that should be a red flag. Even great parents have things to apologize for.
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When a victim of abuse confides in you, they may very well be trusting you with their life.
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It’s not cold and heartless to disclose abuse, it’s “cold and heartless” to perpetrate it.
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A perpetrator of abuse can harm you for decades and yet still act completely shocked, hurt, and “betrayed” when you tell anyone about it.
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Kids don’t just witness domestic violence, they experience it.
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I mean I once heard an abuser say “I never targeted my kids, only their mom” and my thought is that if you targeted their mom, you targeted your kids too. Their well-being is intertwined.
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Chronic exposure to emotional abuse can wreak havoc on our body’s key systems. Mental health issues can result. The abuser may then use the manifestations of these mental health issues that THEY caused, to further the abuse or to discredit the victim if they disclose the abuse.
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Disclosing abuse doesn’t “ruin” a perpetrator’s reputation, perpetrators ruin their own reputation. Disclosure of abuse just lets others develop a more accurate perception of who the perp really is. It can also save others from becoming their next victim(s).
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I think being abused/neglected at home and bullied at school is the 1-2 punch many children never come back from.
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Respected in the community and abusive in the home - one can be both.
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The idea that emotional abusers don’t pose any REAL threat to others couldn’t be further from the truth. Emotional abuse isn’t harmless or just “unfortunate”, it is often life-altering, life-shortening, and can even be life-ending. It’s passed time it’s taken more seriously.
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Emotional abusers don’t respond well to healthy boundaries.
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Abuse disclosures don’t come “late”, they come when victims are able to make them. This can be decades after the incident(s).
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Another way victim blaming occurs is when victims are made to feel guilty for sharing their story because of the “harm” that may come to the perpetrator. Perps wouldn’t have to fear the truth “harming” others perceptions of them if they didn’t commit the abuse in the first place.
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Children in abusive homes don’t “grow up quickly”…they have their childhood STOLEN from them.
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If your child witnesses you abusing their mother they are within their legal rights to talk about, as a child or later as an adult. If you didn’t want them talking about it then you shouldn’t have done it in the first place.
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Abusers threaten victims into silence. It’s an obvious and well-documented tactic they use to hide their acts/continue to abuse. When victims come forward they are likely taking great risk in doing so - more people need to grasp this and respond to disclosures accordingly.
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Emotionally abusive people aren’t interested in relationships they can’t control.
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Abusers fear their victim’s voice. They will do all they can to stifle it.
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As a child I feared speaking out about the emotional abuse in my home because I didn’t know what the repercussions might be. Now that I found the courage to do so as an adult my dad is threatening legal suit. Seems I was right to fear repercussions for speaking out back then. Sad
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One who abuses their partner is unlikely to be healthy or safe for children either.
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Some children are ONLY SAFE while at school. It’s a reason some fall asleep in the classroom. Their body finally relaxes, after living in a constant state of being “braced for impact” at home.
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I think threatening to sue your now adult child for describing your emotional abuse of his mom in his childhood is an odd way to try to prove you are a “good” father.
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My belief: 100% of children who live in a home where partner abuse occurs are harmed by it.
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Just seems when victims are in the midst of ongoing abuse they are more likely to be focused on survival rather than taking copious notes to ensure they will be able to describe every detail years later in the courtroom.
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Emotional abuse IS abuse. If not, then the brain isn’t part of the body.
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Working on a new paper exploring why I believe partner abuse against a parent is child abuse too.
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Emotional abusers aren’t interested in relationships they can’t control.
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When an abuser senses they are losing “control” they may increase the intensity of abuse, change-up method/form of abuse, or focus more on “damage control/spinning their narrative”. These narratives will usually both present the abuser to be someone they are not, and the victim
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You can’t fully heal from abuse, until you are safe from abuse.
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If emotional abuse isn’t abuse, then the brain isn’t part of the body.
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Emotional abuse often impacts the victim’s relationships with others too. It affects their ability to work, perform academically at school, or complete everyday tasks. It may impact every area of their life in some way. The effects of abuse are often far-reaching and long-lasting
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What if domestic violence (partner abuse) when children reside in home was considered child abuse? Also…why ISN’T domestic violence considered child abuse?
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Another byproduct of abuse is that abuse victims often have a distorted view of their own worth. They may often settle and compromise more than they should and in areas that they shouldn’t (such as relationships). Helping them see and understand their REAL worth is an integral
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Adults who abuse other adults aren’t safe for children either.
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When the abuser is your parent, it’s often true that the abuse lasts for as long as THEY live and the harm lasts for as long as YOU live.
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Emotional abuse by someone who should be a source of safety and comfort, hurts and harms you in ways that makes “healing” extremely difficult.
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Stalking isn’t “harmless” behavior, it’s predatory behavior, and often an omen of abuse/violence to come.
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Reminder: Abusers often take pride in fooling those outside the home into believing they aren’t “capable” of harm (“such a nice guy”). Next time you defend an abuser (extremely emotionally harmful to their victims), make sure you aren’t the one being fooled.
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Just because you know someone at the gym or grocery store doesn’t mean you know who they are within the walls of their home. Perps of abuse can appear one way in public and be something entirely different inside their home.
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You can’t abuse your child’s other parent and still call yourself a good dad (or mom).
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We say children who experience significant or prolonged trauma in the home “grow up quickly” but they don’t. It’s a sugar-coated way to say they’ve been forced into a role they aren’t ready for/shouldn’t have to navigate. They’ve had their childhood forcefully stolen from them.
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Just because you “know” someone at the gym, grocery store, or church doesn’t mean you KNOW who they are at home. Abusers can appear one way in the community and be something altogether different at home.
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There always seems to be this extra push to “forgive” an abuser if they are family. Family membership certainly doesn’t lessen abuse, if anything, it makes it worse.
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We HAVE to flip the script. Perpetrators of family violence often spend their entire life with little fear of repercussions for their actions, while victims spend their entire life with NOTHING BUT FEAR of repercussions for reporting their victimization. That’s SO messed up.
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To keep their abuse hidden, abusers must keep their victims quiet.
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You can’t really HEAL from abuse, until you are SAFE from abuse.
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It’s called “emotional/psychological” abuse because of the manner in which it is perpetrated - make no mistake however, it causes “physical” injury too. It’s a direct attack on the brain and other critical body systems.
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I recently spoke with a victim of abuse, who said, “You know I used to never really think about the abuse back in childhood, and then for a long time I was really sad about it, and more recently I feel angry about it”. Victims/survivors must be allowed to FEEL how THEY feel about
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Abusive childhood homes don’t result in children “growing up quickly”. We need to stop sugarcoating that and call it what it is. Children don’t get a choice or say in the matter, they have their childhoods forcefully STOLEN from them.
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In my fathers threatened lawsuit (defamation for speaking out about his emotional abuse of my mom) he indicates he feels I should stop calling myself a childhood survivor of domestic violence/family violence. I don’t think the perp should be allowed to make that decision for me.
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An adult who is known to abuse other adults isn’t likely to be safe for children either.
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Disclosing abuse doesn’t “ruin” the perp’s reputation. It can be an important part of healing for the victim, protect others from abuse…and perps ruin their OWN reputation when they commit acts of abuse. It isn’t the victims fault others become aware of who the perp really is.
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Abuse is often entanglement, which is why fleeing an abusive relationship is never as simple as “just leave.” Victims need help to get untangled.
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Don’t pressure someone to allow their abusive mom or dad back in their life telling them they only get one (mom or dad). What about the victim and their health, well-being, and safety? They only get one life and are probably doing their best with a difficult situation. Support
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Hard to imagine an abusive partner being a healthy parent.
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The stance that children MUST ALWAYS continue contact with each bio parent (even if one is abusive), is just an excuse not to have to actually consider what’s best for the health and well-being of the children.
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If children aren’t physically and emotionally safe in their own home, they’ll expect no different from the rest of the world and their future relationships.
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