Alyssa Limperis
@alyssalimp
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actress & comedian, Sydney on Flatbush Misdemeanors on Showtime, No Bad Days on Peacock insta: https://t.co/EUFIdAFenV contact: [email protected]
Los Angeles, CA
Joined September 2011
Weird that March is next month when March was also last month.
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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17.
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me: should I get bangs or go to therapy .my friends: therapy .me:
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When I say I’ll do something tomorrow and then it’s tomorrow
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January 1st: anything is possible. January 2nd: but not today.
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me making sure the barista sees me put money in the tip jar
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I’m ONE clothing purchase away from being happy I bet.
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pre-isolation: ah there's a bug in here kill it!!!. now: hello Kendra the bug welcome to our home may we interest you in a glass of wine.
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my body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water. me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
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“It’s 9am somewhere” -me having my first sip of water at 2pm.
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Has there ever been a lyric more real than “the years start coming and they don’t stop coming”.
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I wish you could Shazam birds. What’s the one that goes “ooou ooh ooh. ooh…. oooh” I love that one would love to follow his work.
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Christmas Eve: ohhh my childhood home! I want to stay here forever!!. Two days after Christmas: if I don’t leave in the next ten minutes I will physically explode.
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me immediately after someone gives me specific directions
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Just got in a lyft with a female driver, the car smells incredible I said what is that she said “lavender!” Lana Del Rey is playing and as we sang together she said “best way to start the morning” I NEED AN ALL FEMALE RIDE SHARE APP AND I NEED IT YESTERDAY.
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“So how was your day” -me to my boyfriend after spending every waking second with him.
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I get so proud when the roomba runs out of charge and makes it’s way back to the charging station like yes girl self care!!.
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Me: I’ll do it when I have free time . Me when I have endless free time: well not now though.
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Me and my gals in college: yaaaas let’s drink this BAG of wine & go DAAAANCING. Me and my gals now: Ok so what you are experiencing is repressed trauma and what im about to guide you through is called dialectical behavior therapy.
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Me to my friends: do not settle, be brave, ask for what you want!!!. Me as the waitress brings out the wrong order: looks perfect.
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Love how the airport is like do you want to pick someone up? Please do! Just don’t even THINK about stopping your car keep it moving they can jump in.
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what I eat for breakfast:.-cereal.-bagel .-granola. what I eat for breakfast when I’m at the airport:.-burger.-whole pizza.-two beers.
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today my doctor told me to cut back on caffeine so i will reluctantly no longer go to the doctor.
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Pre-holidays: I’m excited for a break!. During the holidays: If I don’t return to my routine in the next 12 hours I will experience full mind and body dissociation.
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When we get the vaccine I’m going to sit in a diner for 24 hours.
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The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow.
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hot girl summer.
Mike Pence: 'Spend more time on your knees than on the internet'
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the year is 2019, you're deciding what to wear to go to the bar with your friends. you hop in a lyft, no masks in sight. purell? never heard of her. you hug a friend and drink a vodka soda from a glass that someone hands to you. everyone's touching their face. life is good.
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I can’t believe 230 thousand people have died of a pandemic and the election is still this close.
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me after the waiter says “enjoy your food” & I say “thanks you too”
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One more reminder that the NBA had zero positive covid cases for an entire season. Zero.
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Can’t believe we used to just walk into grocery stores mouths all the way out and eat little pieces of wet food offered to us on an unmonitored tray. absolutely reckless.
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I got on TikTok because I was like oh this will be so fun and now I follow 17 therapists who give me tips while they do a little dance.
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I love how if you’re driving while the sun sets you kind of just have to hope for the best.
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You’ve heard of breakfast for dinner but have you heard of DINNER for breakfast??? I just did it and let me tell you it is sad.
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When I’m done with work and already went on my little walk and it’s still light outside
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I love nyc. I leave my apt for coffee and come back having walked 12 miles, eaten three meals and developed an entirely new personality.
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tomorrow is email's time to shine. the check ins, the just following ups, the circling backs, the bumping ups, the hope your break was great the options are absolutely endless. wishing them luck on their biggest day of the year xoxo.
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me staying in bed for 45 minutes after my alarm went off & then looking at the time
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we hit a new record today in my childhood home: salad dressing that expired in July of 2013 work hard stay humble.
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I feel out of shape socially. I used to have a good few hours in me-now when I see someone in person after 15 minutes I’m like okaaaaay time to go back to my cave for six days.
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I hate when I put something in a shopping cart and don’t buy it and the company emails me: “forgot something?” And it’s like yeah I forgot I don’t have money for a $70 sports bra.
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“I’m just a teenage dirtbag BAaaaby” -me, pushing 30, many of my friends have kids.
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ive spent my whole life chasing this high.
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I picked a hell of a time to have not learned how to cook for the past 29 years.
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my answer to everything is “I’ll start a google doc.” Have an idea for a new project? Start a google doc. Need to do laundry? Open a new doc. Body is begging me to eat a vegetable and leave my bed for the first time all dsy? Gooooooooogle doc.
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when the takeout you ordered for yourself includes 4 sets of utensils
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“Ahh, I showered, had coffee, brushed teeth, time to start my day” -me at 7:45pm.
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omg I just discovered the vaccine and it is CANCEL YOUR BDAY PARTY AND WEAR A FUCKING MASK.
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My coworker (me) was being such a bitch at work (my apartment) today.
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Baby carrot inventor: ok so the idea is we make tiny little carrots . Investor: eh. Baby carrot inventor: BUT we make sure they are always soaking wet . Investor: you’ve got yourself a deal.
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im ONE large purchase away from peace i can just feel it!!!!.
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this feels like the last 4 minutes of a football game when ur like oh so that means it'll be done in 4 minutes and the football game is like . hahhahahahahaha . no.
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PUT THIS ON THE FUCKING NEWS.
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me logging onto a zoom meeting.
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The name of every new men’s store is just two aggressive words put together like OAK & WRENCH or BISON & CLAW or LAGER & LUMBERJACK and they all just sell plain t-shirts.
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everyone at a night club is either:.-19.-a 52 year old man.-a couple breaking up.
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There is a couple making out next to me at the airport and the woman just said “nom nom nom” can I perform a citizens arrest?.
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Coffee is so confident. It’s a wet ass bean and it’s like “I’m worth $5.75 and you need me bitch”.
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I love going to a bar because it answers the question what if instead of having enough space we didn’t.
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It’s so so SO important to have insurance!! My meds today were gonna cost me $140 so I said wait no no I need to call my insurance and once my insurance provider gave me the group number, the pharmacist said “ok now it’s actually $180”.
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It’s so important to establish a routine which is why every day at 10am I look at my phone for the whole day.
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Tonight I’m going to a soup party that starts at 7pm I’m so happy I’ve waited my whole life to be this age.
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country singer getting interviewed about the meaning of their song
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“Wow today got so crazy!” -me when I had to do two things instead of one.
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Ahhh I heard my neighbors having sex last night which made me so embarrassed because if I can hear them that means THEY can hear ME not having sex.
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vote for biden so we can finally talk about something else.
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