Akilah Green
@akilahgreen
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Writer: Ghosts, Black Monday, A Black Lady Sketch Show, etc. Emmy Loser. Recovering Lawyer. Future TBD.
Los Angeles, CA
Joined November 2010
I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. It’s whatever.
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Police are now brutalizing everyone just to maintain their ability to brutalize black people.
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People love to talk about how liberal California is, but outside of LA and The Bay Area, California is basically Texas.
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Unpopular Opinion: I'm anti-Twitter edit button. I don't want to like/RT anything you guys can change later. Also, learning how to go on living even though I tweeted a typo has taught me how to be strong & brave. It has truly given me a testimony about what it means to overcome.
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The older you get, the less people you let know when you're in town.
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I remember reading somewhere that Angela Bassett said, on her cheat day, she likes to treat herself to rich foods like "cottage cheese" and "avocado," and I knew then that it was gonna have to be plastic surgery and lipo for me. Kudos to this Queen.
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This reminds me of those high schools where as soon as the valedictorian is POC or woman, they break with tradition and decide to have co-valedictorians for the first time in the school’s history. Please don’t do this.
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You ever watch a rich person's expression change when you ask a question that's too poor?.
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It Happened To Me: I DM'd a friend and asked why I haven't seen her online in a while and then I realized it's because I muted her.
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I've recently learned that I'm not responsible enough to raise a cast iron skillet.
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
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A gender reveal party where you reveal all of the harmful things you learned about gender roles and norms and vow not to pass them onto the next generation.
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Please get vaccinated. I can’t wear masks forever. I’m too pretty.
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I’m up thinking about the time a female writer in the writers room cracked a joke, and I tagged it. The other writers laughed, except for this one guy who didn’t bother to look up from his laptop to acknowledge it. By the time I got home, he had tweeted our joke as his own.
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Regina Hall is one of the funniest, most masterful actresses of our time.
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#BreonnaTaylor’s killers have yet to be arrested and charged. They are officers:.- Jon Mattingly.- Brett Hankison.- Myles Cosgrove. Sign: . Tweet: @LMPD, @louisvillemayor, @GovAndyBeshear. Call: 502.574.7111, 502.574.7144, 844.298.2731
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At this point, I hope everyone has identified their “let’s get to the bottom of this Kate Middleton thing” buddy (the person who shares your exact level of interest in swapping memes and tweets back and forth, no matter how little they advance the conversation). It’s go time!.
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I’m in the “If Olivia Colman is in it, I’ll give it a try” club.
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If I call, and you don’t answer, please don’t call me right back. You’ve missed the window. I’ll try again next year.
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The male urge to try to calm an upset woman down by saying, "hey hey hey hey hey.".
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The pandemic helped us realize which of the people in our lives we're absolutely okay seeing only once every two years.
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I like it when a friend asks me for my address. It’s usually because they’re sending me a gift, but sometimes I’m like, what if they’re sick of my shit and coming to kill me? It’s exciting either way.
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I wasn't planning to watch the Oscars, then Regina King won the first award and The Best Chris (Evans) helped her up the stairs, and here I am.
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I went into the kitchen in search of a little treat and ended up making something I’m calling a “cookie steak.”.
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Shout out to everyone who voted, phone banked, canvassed, donated, tweeted, educated themselves, spoke up, listened, talked to their family, etc. WE DID IT!!!.
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I just whipped up pancakes from scratch without a recipe. 🙌🏾 (No, they were not good.).
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Brilliant Idea Alert: Mini LaCroix cans. Our homes and offices are cluttered with half-empty LaCroix cans. 7.5 ounces is all we really need.
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Because I taught myself how to whip up a 10-minute cacio e pepe.
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I wrote three sentences, and I will now reward myself by lying down and watching TV for a week.
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It feels crazy that the Republicans’ strategy is to delay the mail, intimidate voters, refuse ballots, and use the Supreme Court to steal the election. And the Democrats’ strategy is just to vote.
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Good morning to everyone who woke up and immediately moved half of the items they had on today's to-do list to tomorrow's to-do list.
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Parents love to break the news to you that someone you don't know passed away.
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When white people say, "I'm not a racist," what do y'all want us to do with that?.
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One thing my mom’s gonna do is begin a sentence with, “Now that you’re old enough,” then proceed to tell me the deepest, darkest, gnarliest, most devastating family secret I’ve ever heard that she already told me when I was, like, 6.
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At this point, I've basically got a Zoom prop bag sitting next to my laptop. It's got a bra, hoodie, lip stick, head scarf, brow definer, hoops, etc. depending on "who all gone be on there.".
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Avoiding writing IS writing. * just testing that out to see how it sounds *.
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These people really thought they were going to storm the capitol with no consequences. Meanwhile, black people keep their receipt in their hand when they leave CVS.
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@clhubes People denying that “Did the MFer pay extra to yell?” is hilarious are lying to themselves.
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Yep, my Christmas tree is still up. Now I just put my delivered packages under it until I'm ready to open them.
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I need some advice, but I don’t want to tell you what my problem is. Go.
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We need a “Thanksgiving” filter that adds seasoning and 35 more minutes in the oven to these pics of plates of food some of y’all insist on sharing.
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The definition of insanity is me continuously scrolling through Twitter all day waiting for it to spark joy.
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A Black Lady Sketch Show was nominated for an Emmy! Congrats to our entire super dope team! 🥳🥳
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Today, I said goodbye to a pair of sweats that I’ve been wearing since 1999. Please respect my privacy at this time.
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Please join me in doing whatever the hell I want and calling it self-care.
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@janiobi Police beating white teenage girls and old white men on camera is ensuring that NO ONE can continue to turn a blind eye to America’s policing problem. Congrats. They played themselves.
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I would, however, support a Twitter function that would explain jokes to the four people who think I’m serious about how learning how to live with a typo I tweeted has strengthened my character and taught me how to live out loud.
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@ask_aubry As soon as he said he would hang out and not buy anything, I knew he lacked self-awareness.
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The world around us may be changing at a rapid pace, but I'm still not accepting unscheduled FaceTime calls.
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I want to volunteer legal services to protesters in LA. If you know of any legal organizations or ways for lawyers to help, please let me know.
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Latchkey Kids, what was your favorite after-school snack? I used to get a stuffed-crust pizza from Pizza Hut delivered, but I wasn't allowed to answer the door when my parents weren't home so I'd have to hide the pizza box under my bed until trash day.
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My whole house is clean. You better believe I’ve got an outline due.
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Now I’m watching these recipe videos just to feel something. Horrified is something.
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@MarcSnetiker Nobody’s asking what she did that caused him to snap. Or is it just quarantine-induced madness. Because that behavior is, indeed, evidence that a person is out of his mind.
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I’m trying to think of a clever way to work “I’m an Emmy-nominated writer” into a tweet. Is this one?.
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@Phil_Lewis_ He called her dumb and ugly like five times. In print. And posted it. It’s time to bring back, “Officer, I don’t know what happened. I just found him like this.”.
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Among other reasons, I like Elizabeth Warren because she has demonstrated a willingness to listen and learn. #PresidentWarren.
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I've you've watched The Help this week, you need to Venmo me $25 immediately. Don't start questioning your lack of critical thinking and poor decision-making skills now.
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Once you realize the fries you ordered aren’t good, how many more do you eat?.
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At the end of the day, Logan Roy raised four children who believed they deserved to run the world while actually not having the skills, experience, or qualifications to run a lemonade stand. #SuccessionHBO #Succession.
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@jackmonell All black lives matter. Yes, even the lives of black people who don't have any degrees.
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I support protesters and you can argue amongst yourselves about buildings and cars.
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We're officially so done with the pretense of quarantine that politicians can willingly admit to flying their family and friends on vacation to another country during a pandemic, and that's not even the b-story.
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This is the creator, writers, director, and cast of HBO’s A Black Lady Sketch Show. This show’s gonna be as black and joyful as we are in this video. #ablss
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@omgskr I saw a 59-year-old man’s dating app profile that said he was “not sure” about kids.
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I'd rather never speak to you again than click on the 7 minute video you texted me with no context.
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I spilled the breakfast smoothie I made all over the kitchen counter so I ordered a breakfast quesadilla. That's me listening when God speaks.
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Traveling always sounds like a great idea until it's time to pack or unpack a bag.
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Lend me your ear: Never let white men sell you on the myth of meritocracy ever again.
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I’ve entered a new quarantine phase: New Girl, milkshakes, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. What are you into these days?.
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Being quarantined alone means cooking a delicious meal. then having to eat it for the next five days. Anyway. Happy Taco Saturday! 😩.
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I gave up caffeine a week ago and haven't laughed, been interesting, or stayed up past 9 since. It's a hard way to find out that coffee was my whole personality.
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Before you reply to someone’s silly tweet, ask yourself, “Am I being no fun?”.
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I tweet for the people who drive past four CVS stores to get to “their” CVS.
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Hello, I’m a single woman living alone in a densely-populated urban center in a movie. When someone is chasing me, I run inside my apartment, slam the door, and place my back against the door. but I never LOCK the door.
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@ulxma I know of a situation where the girl child stopped coming home for the holidays after college, but the uncle is still sitting at the Christmas table eating good and her mom is serving him seconds. (I heard the story from her mom who told it into a microphone.).
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Defund the police, but also arrest anyone who asks people to print out a form and bring it in with them in 2020.
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