#ADHD
writer/dreamer/weirdo/over-sharer. Starting over. Author. Lil witchy. Rock&Roll Hippie.✌️👅🤘 I 💜 rock 🎶 and rocks🪨 Emoji usage contextual.
#TeamADHD
I was just talking about this last night & it was definitely reconfirmed today...
One of the WORST parts about being educated, self-aware, and advocating for/about my disorders: the beginning is full of hope that turns to frustration as time marches forward.
Here's why...🧵
Today, I took a shower for the first time in a month. I'm ashamed and embarrassed, but I'm sharing it bc it's important.
I haven't been taking care of myself. Most days, I find it impossible. I want to. So badly. I sit and wonder all day, why? What the fuck is wrong with me?
She was SO excited to go to school bc she got "freckle makeup." The mean girl said she put poop on her face and they all made fun of her all day.
Nurse called to come get her bc she was sick.
Can you beans let my girl know she is BEAUTIFUL and not to dull her shine for ANYONE?
Chronic, severe mental illness is... no words describe it. Excruciating? Maddening? Soul-crushing? All of the above?
But it's not always break downs and tears and illogical thinking.
It's staying in bed. It's greasy hair. It's a messy house. It's isolation. It's *deep* pain.
I had my first major depressive episode when I was 19. I've endured several more since. But, I also have dysthymia, so it never really goes away for me. Even when I'm good, I'm not completely good.
Major depression is when it gets bad.
@ask_aubry
"I bought you dinner, so now I own your life, obviously." 🙄🙄
And this attitude is not even remotely rare in the dating scene. They feel an immediate entitlement to our time and our bodies.
So, today, I made myself take a shower. I cried. My brain fought with me. I have long, thick hair and as I pried my ponytail down, I sobbed.
As I combed through the mats, I sobbed. I cried because I deserve better than this. Deserve to be taken care of. I deserve to be healthy.
It seems that every time I have a severe episode, it gets worse. This time has been hell, to be honest.
Every time, I do the same thing. As I sink into despair, I look to the people I love and I start trying to find medical help, if I'm not already under care.
So, hopefully, today is the day. That I start digging. It would be nice to have hands to grasp when I break through, but there won't be as many as last time.
Just like every time before this, I'm letting people go. I don't want fairweather people in my life.
To be honest, the same things happen every time. People that I love and thought I knew, start showing me who they are. They either support me with a full throat, or they shame and "tough love" me. Guess which reaction is correct?
This shit is *ugly* but it is a fact of life for me. Either you're in or your out. I can't afford anything in between. Not anymore.
After my shower, I gave myself a super cute haircut and put on some makeup. Then kiddo and I went to the woods and communed with nature.
Every time, the same choice:
1) Stay here, in this depression hellscape, and let them win.
2) End it once and for all.
3) Start digging out like your life depends on it.
I guess there's only one real choice, isn't there?
My mind turns on me. It hears the shame and the judgement and it tries to convince me they're right. The illness just keeps digging in deeper and deeper. No one knows what to do. Not my support system, not the docs, and certainly not me.
Then, I'm faced with a choice.
The medical professionals start dicking with my meds. I'm up, then I'm down. Nothing seems to be working or the side effects suck. They keep trying, I keep trying.
This time I even had a 6 day hospital stay and 3 weeks of IOP. Still, none of it made a real difference.
Only, that's not how it's gone. They don't believe that it does what it does. They don't get it.
I'm smart, capable, well-spoken, and educated. They absolutely CANNOT reconcile that with the idea that I struggle with cleaning, showering, or brushing my teeth.
Anyway. Being self-aware is good. It helps. It's life changing. But once you're aware, you also realize that you DESERVE better than what you've been accepting. And anything less than that can feel devastating.
Like many, I spent my life hearing the people who were charged with my care say I was lazy, flighty, willful, defiant, and "hard to deal with." I was wrong. I was bad. I was inherently flawed as a person.
I wasn't believed when I said "I don't know," or "I don't remember."
I just want one of you to know. Whichever one of you told me I needed a fucking nose job and you would pay for it on NGL:
You really hurt my feelings and I've been super self conscious ever since. So, cool going.
🖕
When I didn't know or I forgot, they would tell me to stop making EXCUSES. At 38 yo, I told my dad I had ADHD and the first thing he said was, "I just don't want you to use it as an excuse." First thing.
Now I have the REASON and they still tell me to quit making excuses.
If I'm forgetful or I don't do my "chores," it must be bc I "don't care" or I "like" living that way.
I've given them literature, websites, and YouTube channels and, still, they choose to ignore it so they can keep believing what they want to believe. They don't hear me.
That is the most frustrating part. All I want in this fucking life is understanding and compassion. All I get is lectures about what a fuck up I am. My ability to care for myself is questioned constantly...despite living independently for 20 years prior to my divorce.
My strengths were not valued at all and my weaknesses were over-valued. Eventually the scale tipped and I started to believe what they were saying. I no longer valued myself. They told me I didn't deserve love and I agreed.
Then, when I was 38, I got my diagnosis. I found
@HowtoADHD
. Then
#ADHDTwitter
and
#teamadhd
. I started doing vast amounts of research and learning & understanding myself. I could think of one word and one word only...
VINDICATION.
I *wasn't* a shitty human. I wasn't lazy. I had always known, deep down, but I let their voices become louder than my own. Now I had reinforcement! Proof that I was deserving of their love, understanding, and compassion. Proof that I wasn't alone. I had science on my side.
I'm tired. Downtrodden. 40 more years of this life is almost more than I can bear. Kiddo needs me and she is my reason but at this point I'm here out of obligation alone. I know my people are out there (you guys are my lifeline), but I'm starting to feel too weary to find them.
They will never get me. It sucks. They'd rather I was a lazy, inconsiderate piece of shit than educate themselves on what is actually going on in my brain.
They deal with the exact things that I do. I guess if you don't learn about it you don't have to recognize yourself in it.
@UsaForMeToo1
@GovChristie
Republicans: We refuse to do anything to protect ourselves and others from this Democratic hoax!
Also Republicans: I can't believe so many Republicans have COVID! It's a Democratic conspiracy!
🙄🙄
One reason why so many people don't get diagnosed with
#ADHD
until adulthood is that "they" never talk about how it feels on the inside, only the parts that happen on the outside and that bother other people. We don't know what we're looking at bc awareness is *extremely* poor.
#ADHD
math is estimating that a 15-minute task is going to take 2 hours, so you put it off for a month, but thinking a 2-hour task will take 15 minutes so you're late ALL the time.
Annual review today. I have so much potential. More potential than most. If only I could stay focused and "on-track." My production is filled with "peaks and valleys." I knock it out of the park this week and fall short the next. What they'd like to see this year is consistency.
When I was diagnosed with
#ADHD
at 38 years old, I felt ALL of the emotions. It was my anger and my hope that drove me to start speaking about my struggles. The solidarity and validation that I found on
#adhdtwitter
and
#teamadhd
gave me courage & confidence to use my voice.
Sometimes I hate that I'm intelligent and capable AND have a disability that causes me to not be able to some of the things some of the time.
I got the "We know how capable you are, so why aren't you doing it?" speech this week. A dreaded talk in the life of an ADHDer.
@UdajoMike
Not to be too serious, but 3 of those bunnies are domestic breeds, I think. It's dangerous for them to be out in the wild like that. You might consider calling the closest rabbit rescue to catch them.
I love domestic rabbits and probably know too much about them. 🤣🤣
I'm only 22 followers away from 300 so I've decided to do my first-ever
#writerslift
!
Like, retweet, and leave your
#blog
,
#post
,
#link
,
#book
, or anything else you'd like to share. Help me make my very first
#writerslift
successful!!
@shiraisinspired
This is one of my pet peeves. Every time there is a mass shooting, I know it's going to come up. It is so harmful to the community and it strengthens the stigmas that we're out here trying to smash. It's bullshit.
"ADHD is medicalization and overdiagnosed."
I take special offense to this, as I'm sure do many of my peers, bc I wasn't diagnosed until I was 38. That sure doesn't feel like doctors jumping the gun. (long-ass)🧵
Who decided to start office jobs early in the day? And who decided on 8 hours of every day?? And 5 days out of 7??? Cause I need to speak to a manager about this shit.
@WhatTheADHD
The lift of the brain fog. That was the first thing I noticed on the first day...my head was so clear. I didn't even know it *wasn't* clear until it was.
#askadhd
Anyone out there who LOVES reading and has *always* read, but suddenly find themselves unable? For the last 1.5 years, I haven't been able to finish a book. I usually read about 24/year. It's honestly agonizing. I've started a dozen and can never get by a few chapters.🤷♀️
My kid has a very interesting way of tying her shoes. I tried to correct and show her the "right" way, but eventually realized that it still worked (even if I didn't understand it), so I let it be.
Today she said, "Mom, do I tie my shoes wierd?" I told her it was different.
As she's telling me the story about the mean girl, I realized that her freckles weren't there anymore and her face had red marks all over where she had scrubbed them off in the bathroom.
Fucking heartbreaking, y'all.
@schemaly
My dad gets these. They are so painful that they asked him when they dxed if he had ever bashed his head against a wall or considered suicide to stop the pain. That's how terrible they are.
I hope she wins.
@llMichael
Pence can only pardon him for Federal crimes. New York state is going to nail his ass to the wall and there is *nothing* he or Pence can do about it. He's flailing because he's going to jail and he knows it.
@Metoecus_1
@SwearingsCaring
Watching their mother cast into indentured servitude for a lifetime is not healthy and just reinforces the patriarchy.
It doesn't matter if the parents are together if they aren't healthy. Disfunction is not better than a healthy single parent.
Excuse me. *taps mic* Can I have your attention, please?
I have walked 5 miles a day 5 day this week!
Y'all, this is after almost complete inactivity for MONTHS. Weeks at a time where I was literally chained to my bed.
😊😊 Happy. Proud. 💜💜
@johnrobb
Which parts of modern life aren't possible without social media? Like, you realize that there are people living life everywhere that don't have smart phones and social media accounts. I'd venture to say that they don't find life impossible.🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
Wait. Wait. Wait. You're telling me that there is man out here on Al Gore's internet that calls himself the ADHD Dude and gives (extremely questionable) advice on parenting kids with ADHD and...HE'S A NEUROTYPICAL?! I hate this place sometimes...
@KosokoJackson
In the name of science, I give you Distinguished Gentleman, Niko. I can't get a good picture because he's too furry but he does, in fact, wear a bow tie...
Just to answer everyone's questions:
1) they were warm...even a little damp still.
2) there were 2 fitted sheets and I rolled them up in a ball and called it folded.
3) I don't mate socks...I separate them into who they belong to and leave it up to them to mate their own socks.
2) I'll probably be fired by the end of the year. They expect me to work CONSISTENTLY and realize my full potential? Not only is my only consistency inconsistency, but I haven't had a pay raise in 6 years, but sure...let me get on it, boss. 🙄
Oh, I almost forgot!! Happy
#ADHDAwarenessMonth
!! Now let's create some awareness by posting about
#ADHD
for the first 6 days and then forget that it's ADHD Awareness Month until November 1st!
@AnaAbove
I'm glad that it's reached so many people. For so long, we've been taught that we should suffer in silence and hang our heads in shame for something out of our control. This community gives me *so* much and being able to be vulnerable AND help people at once? Invaluable. 💜
I just wanted to say...HAPPY ADHD AWARENESS MONTH! The month when you'll be inundated by ADHD tweets for the first week and then sporadically throughout the month because we keep forgetting. 🤣🤣
Be it blog, podcasting, or book...can we all agree that promoting said endeavors is *exhausting*?!?! It's a full-time job, just trying to get the word out! 😴😴
My boss's boss left a note at the very bottom that said, "You have shown us that you are smart and capable. We know you can do this!"
What this means is
1) I haven't changed in 40 years of life, or the NTs haven't changed in 40 years of life. 🤷♀️
And...
@jessejanderson
@my_ADHD_life
100% it's wait mode. I get in wait mode and I can't do ANYTHING on the day of an appointment, so I end up leaving ridiculously early so that I can snap out of it.
@FuukTwitar
Once in the 90s, me and several friends missed the bus to school. We had to walk several miles to get to school. The police picked us up, we told them what happened, and...they gave us a ride to school. They didn't even notify our parents. This is *insane.*
So, for Pride Month, I've made the decision to speak out. Rather, to come out.
I'm super nervous about this, but hopefully it will work out OK.
I think my story is pretty common, so I'm speaking out for the people who have a similar experience.
@Datelinefam
@LiztheLawless
Lord, don't listen to Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia.
I recently had to Google it bc I didn't fully understand the store it tells and 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯!
@ask_aubry
It cracks me up that they think older, single women are lamenting their lack of man when, in reality, they are out living their best lives,regretting nothing. It almost makes me feel sorry for them. Almost.