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@abernothing
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Statuses
36,264
comedian in bio (🕺 ⬅️ that’s him) 🥚 she/her
panic pixie camp counselor
Joined April 2010
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I came up with my passwords when I was nine and never looked back
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I hope all teenagers have a phase where electric feel by mgmt is the sexiest song they've ever heard. I really do. more than anything else in the whole world
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I bet not a single US president could successfully complete the presidential fitness test
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I slept in the lower bunk of a bunk bed until I was seventeen and one day was just like “hey mom and dad can I have a real bed” and they were like “yeah we’ve been waiting for you to ask for years”
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staying out of my own business for a bit. I don’t need to know all that
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idk which phenomenon is funnier: guys who refuse to wear shorts no matter how hot it is or guys who only wear shorts even in freezing temperatures
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I used the bottom bunk bc my brother and I used to share a room and he dibsed top bunk and once you’ve adjusted to your bunk placement you can’t just Change it
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day five of me calling it “day five” without explaining what it’s day five of
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this is Not Good google keeps telling me I have a password breach ???
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did you guys know 1984 was a real year and not just a book? what the fuck
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acab does NOT include that museum security guard who drew faces on those paintings
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I’m gonna say it bc no one else is brave enough to. five should count as an even number
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@SaeedDiCaprio
Saeed I usually agree with u but I have to beg to suffer. fast and furious is a family franchise and every movie rocks
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just had the thought "but skeletons are boys!" so I need to. think about why that's happening
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okay I’ll admit it. sometimes I act a Lil centrist at work for tips
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them: there’s some hoes in this house
me: it’s not a house, it’s a hoeme ♥️
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say what you will about gaslighting but electric stoves fucking suck
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guys..... it's not cool to suck obama's dick... grow up he's a war criminal
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@zachsilberberg
I’ve never watched succession but I’ve also never been wrong in my life and that’s the plane that did 9/11
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Elle Woods proved you can be hot and also a lawyer. I proved that you can finish as much edamame as you set your mind to
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@Queen_Candii
oh you better believe my top bunk was covered with stuffed animals
at one point I think I had like eighty??? which is INSANE
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Uber yeets: where a driver picks up specific food from a specific place but instead of delivering it to you they throw it into the fucking ocean so you can experience loss bc suffering is the only feeling that resonates with you anymore
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I don’t look at my screen time bc it would just add more time to my screen time
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actually the sexiest coming of age dance moment I had was to dance yrself clean so... take that how you will
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being too entranced with the horror of my past to try and fuck up my future is honestly kinda cool
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help can someone who’s good at money tell me what I’m doing wrong? per month I’m spending:
900 for rent
300 for food
20 to be verified on a hell app that has taken years off my life
12 on toilet paper
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
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I cannot keep falling in love with strangers just because they have dogs
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I might be biased but naming your pet a different animal is the highest form of comedy
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only friends with people who are as passionate about sandwiches as me
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radiohead radioshoulders radioknees and radiotoes (radioknees and radiotoes)
radioeyes and radioears and radiomouth and radionose
radiohead radioshoulders radioknees and radiotoes (radioknees and radiotoes)!!!
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I wanted to get my septum pierced but honestly I pick my nose too much
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if you could remove one song from the world forever what song would it be and why is it Hotel California
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is passively identifying ikea furniture in movie sets a personality trait
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we can all agree that marking "moderate" on a dating app just means conservative but you don't wanna scare the feminists off
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ask HIM out girls! make HIM scream your name while you're fucking him!!!
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gonna end this year the same way I started it: surprised I’m still alive
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has anyone done anything about the arcade fire or is that just still happening
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to finally address the rumors: I’m not nor have I ever been romantically involved with Douglas Engelbart who is widely considered to have invented the computer mouse. It has nothing to do with whether I find his work impressive and important, I am just not interested. Thank you.
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I do not trust people who have names with y where there is usually i
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public mask wearing has really increased my ability to talk to myself relatively inconspicuously tenfold and I love it
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I only ever look bad for the bit btw. if you see me in real life and I look bad it's a joke. I am a very funny person
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perpetually wondering why new people I meet had lives before me. don’t you know I am the main character??? stop having history and depth !
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can't believe I grew up to have the cyanide and happiness guy ratio me regularly
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as someone who has to serve those who will be trying to locate the party rock outside of their homes, please stay home. also venmo me a hundred dollars @ abernothing
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there are two kinds of people: those who are lactose intolerant and those who aren't not lactose intolerant.
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people living out Minimalist Lifestyles as influencers on social media platforms is some of the strangest performance art of our time
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@CosmistRussian
@rubodubo
it's very interesting that you'd think I'd take that as an insult lol
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why am I getting so heated about this. probably bc I hate every president
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