Mallard🇰🇪
@_mallard8
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Relatable concept | Tech enthusiast | #MUFC
Nairobi, Kenya
Joined February 2020
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Pinned Tweet
Kila mtu anakapitia, weh jikaze bana wacha kulialia
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Firstborns wanakuanga strict kushinda wazazi. Saa zingine ata mzazi mwenyewe anakureport kwa firstborn
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Kila mtu husema mamake ni mzuri, hawa HRs ni mama za kina nani
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Ukinyimwa pesa wacha kutishia watu ati “hakuna ajuaye kesho” kesho ni Friday na tunapiga sherehe na pesa tulikunyima
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Asking me “huwa unapeleka pesa wapi na huna watoto” is very abusive.
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Ushai notice before ulale lazima ujifanye umelala ndio kulala idhani umelala alafu ulale🤔
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The only place nishawai piganiwa ni kwa staffroom 😩💔 waalimu wakishout niwachie huyu nideal na yeye
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I am chilling next to my mom and she is like "wewe hata wasichana hawakupigii simu"
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Siku moja twende sherehe na wazazi waone vile ni ngumu kurudi kwa nyumba mapema
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Akuna kitu uniturn on kama "I have a boyfriend " kwanza aongeze we have dated for 2yrs😂 hawa within 3 days mshapiga mechi tano😂
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Nimetoka kusoma revelations na what I can tell is weh kula tu savings yako mapema
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Ushago unaamka saa tatu unajipata ni wewe pekee na kuku mko kwa boma😅 hadi unafeel guilty for being lazy 😂
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Hio mattress yako ukiwa mgonjwa tunaeza kuja bedroom tukuone ama utajikakamua ukuje sitting room 😂
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Zile manguo wasichana wanavaa wakiendea mandazi asubuhi inaeza fanya uache kazi yako uanze kupika mandazi 😂💔
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Ushago unaleta dem usiku wakati kila mtu ashalala alfu mkoro anatuma mtoto asubuhi akuulize mgeni anatumia maziwa😂💔
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Time unaambiwa usimwage ndani ,saa izo ndio mtoto ako 20seconds old🥺
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Pale highschool bila connections The Insyder na the pulse haingekufikia.
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Mtu anaenda sherehe bila kukuambia alafu akishikwa ndio anakupigia
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Ukifika place yenye heartbreak haikusumbui basi jua tofauti yako na wale wa koinange ni location 😂💔
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Fathers are most unbothered creatures mnaeza pitana kwa njia nika hamjuani😂
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Unajaribu kupull out then somebody's daughter anainua kinembe juu😂
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Wenye tuliingia boarding class 4 naye sidhani kama tunaeza miss mtu
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Unakopesha dem pesa ukienda kumdai anakusukuma kwa kitanda na kidole moja,mm siwezi anguka😂💔
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Mkirealise watu mnadate ni sura mbaya mnaanza kupost mikono na bracelets
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Watu huenda church PCEA do you guys cope with hizo michango haziishi? Kama si ya kujenga choo ya kanisa ni kununulia pastor gari
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Hukuna dem anajua kurombosa kwa club kama dem ameachia mamake mtoto😅😅💔
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Btw unaeza pata hakunanga giza, macho yetu ndio huwa inaisha moto
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Mumama anakuita road trip,kumbe anaendea nduma Kimende alete Marigiti😂💔
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Nairobi ukiwa hosted na mtu hua unashinda ukimpea story za jaba funny ndio asiwai fikiria kukufukuza😂😂
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Saa hii kukaa njaa ni kujitakia ,SDA wako na camp meetings kila pahali ,enda ujifanye wewe ni mgeni💀😆
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Nani aliambia couple after mumesolve argument lazima mdinyane?
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We all have that one friend mmekopana hadi hamjui nani ako na deni ya mwingine😅
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Lakini hizi vitu tight husumbua sana during mechi🤦♂️enda dinywa dinywa halafu ukuje😂💀
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Mumama akikuekea doggy fanya shughuli ilikupeleka apo uki angalia sana mtakosana vibaya sana 😂💔
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Wenye mko bedsitter nayo hamfai kudinyana kwani hamuoni aibu kutoana nguo mbele ya vyombo inakaa uchawa😂💔
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I start every purchase with “unanikumbuka?” and hope the price reduces
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Back in the days pale ushago ulikua unalala kwa kiti na ngotha ukiamka unapata watu wakikunywa chai💔😂
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Borake nikimfikiria naskia vizuri mi staki kujua kama ye ananifikiria
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Hawa wababa wamezidi wanatoa wapi nguvu ya kudinya mtoto wa 2006 na mjulus ya 1970😂
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Hakuna mtu hukuwa na story tamu tamu kama mtu anangoja kukula kwako
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Lakini walimu walikuwa wanatubeba aje... Ati
"soul mate wako ndo ako class two sahii". Watu sio wajinga😂😂
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Mnakuanga na playlist ya mechi ama mnakulananga na ngoma za wakadinali kama ngwai
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Ubaya ya relationship mpya lazima u pretend hupendi mechi💔😂
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Kupiga quickie kwa choo za kanisa seems illegal but it ain’t 😂
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Shida ya kuishi kwa wenyewe ni ata mtoi achukuwe nyama yako..bado unacheka tu😂😂
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Ukiwai sikia dem akiimba akioga kwa bafu alafu anyamaze jua anaosha kinembe
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Sisi wa strict parents iyo mambo yenu ya sijui it's Friday huwa haturelate🥲
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Bado umelala na unaongezanga maji kwa maziwa ndio upike chai
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Mahali imefika shule zifunguliwe haraka, hawa high-schooler wanataka kulala na mimi
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No matter how comfortable we are as partners, usijaribu kunyamaba kando yangu naeza kupiga ngumi ya shingo ukufe😂💔
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Kama umeona lele mluhya umeona mengi😂 hao madem wanapenda kuni vibaya sana😂💀
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Kuna watu lazima uwaambie umefika 2hrs before ndio mpatane on time🤦♀️
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Unapiga picha zako zote na snapchat alafu unatembea ukidhani unakaa ivo💔😂
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Hakuna kitu hupea mgeni stress kama kupupu kawa choo alafu a flash na ikatae kuenda😂💔
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Ukiwa na horny girlfriend unapewanga adi unamwambia 'mamaa ebu Leo tosheka'
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Vile kunaenda ni kama nitakuwa "ule uncle mwenye hananga bibi"😂
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Kuwatch ngwati na dvd nayo ilikuwa ngori stima inapotea unalala na dvd😁
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Unaingiza yote alafu unaskia akikwambia kwani bado hutaki kuingiza
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They should bring back arranged marriages. Wengi wetu tumeshindwa kupata mtu
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Couples mnafaa mjue nothing will happen to your partners mkikaa separate seats kwa matatu.. mnasumbua watu buana. Smh!
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Madem hushinda wameangalia nyuma time ya doggy ndio waone kama umefunika mapua
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Shida ni kudhani juu mmeanza kudate wenye walikuwa wanamkula wataacha😂💔
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Shida ya morning run ukianza kufungua mdomo tafuta means motorbike ikurudishe mtaa😂
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Kama Tuesdays ni ya watu wa matiti na wale wa matako si muwatafutie siku yao moja specific pia? Mnaona aje ?
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Kama akona na nose ring, tattoo kwa matiti, nyororo kwa kiuno na anakula jaba vaa CD tatu
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Ushai toka church na mokoro ukamshow akubuyie chips na Fanta ukakumbushwa kuna githeri kwa jikoni?
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Ukiskia her friends wakisema “I have heard a lot about you” wewe jua game yako iko juu
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Kwani mtu anafaa kutoka kwa nyumba ya wazazi akiwa na miaka ngapi??
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Leo nimejaribu kukojoa kama nime squat niskie venye madem huskia lakini ikaguza chini😂💔
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Talking alone is fun until you get caught and pretend you were singing
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Mko sure uji power inaongeza nguvu za kiume ama ni mtu alisema tu ndio wapate customers
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@Kenyans
Huyu hajui kitu anasema.... The economy is already bad and unemployment it has always been high
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Ladies Mjifunze kupaka makeup unapata sura ni Rihanna, mikono ni Akothe na miguu ni ya Madueke😂
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Ubaya wakudate wamama unapata ni mtaro alafu anakuambia ingiza yote kababa usichoke😂💔
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Design wasichana hukaa kwa pikipiki, it’s evident huwa wanapenda hiyo vibration
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Sisi ugly niggas msee wa Smokie hata hakuulizangi kama unakula pilipili ataweka tu
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In Kenya kusota inakuanga kama competition, unaambia mtu umesota halafu anakuuliza “kuniliko?”
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Ni kama tulikua tunaandika our future kwa insha, “Alitafuta kazi kwa udi na uvumba lakini aliambulia patupu”
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