eric curtin
@_ericcurtin
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868
Statuses
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(saluting my gf immediately after sex) thank you for ur cervix
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having a gender reveal party tomorrow for the hamster i just got at petco. nothin crazy just gonna flip it over and see if it has a dick or whatever
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french ppl be like bonjour fellas today we chasing this baguette
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co-star coming through with complete accuracy today. great
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living w roommates month 1: i bought us a new rug and some plants! dont worry about paying me its for all of us :)
month 6: can u venmo me 37 cents for using my ketchup
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hi im nose pierce little shirt big pants doc marten boots internet girl, and this is my terrible boyfriend, dickies pants curly hair wall puncher minimal shower boy
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just bought 25 costco hot dogs
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one time at a party I heard someone say “there’s 3+ girls here with chunky Fila shoes on. It’s fuckin up the energy. I’m bout to just start stealing shit”
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imagine trying to explain this joke to someone who’s never been on the internet before
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hot (and very funny) person: having sex with a short guy?? umm couldn’t be me 😂😂
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REPLIES:
reply guy: ok, I’m short but this is freaking hilarious.
hot girl: YES!! Literally let’s kill them all sis
IHOP corporate account: short men? No. Short stacks? Yes.
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i know the heart button on an ig story hate to see me coming when ive had 3-4 beers
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one time a girl asked me to send her a jerkoff video so i was like aight and i sent it and she was like “omg i meant of you jacking off not you jacking someone else off” me and my homie were so embarrassed
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just said fuck it n walked into trader joes with an erection
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[my son walks in the house late, eyes red]
me, concerned: son.... have you been freeing your mind at night again
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2013 twitter: Imagine being the kid who got benched when AirBud went in the game! Lol.
2018 twitter: ✨ thread of all the times my stepdad got drunk and accidentally hit the garage door with his ford f-150:
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we regret to inform you that bare minimum twitter is at it again
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did everyone else have that one kid in their town who was a little too good at guitar hero
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me: kris jenner in the "thank u, next" video is suuuuch a mood honestly lol
my grandpa: i was in a war
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therapist: hey
me:
me:
me:
me:
me:
me: im going to fuck the babadook
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instagram somehow knows exactly who you want to have sex with and they make their IG stories appear first. always
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noticed this tweet is going big and since i dont have anything to promote ill just say my leg has been hurting recently like in a weird place. not too bad i can deal with it mostly but sometimes im just like "whats up with my leg" lol so i wanted to let you guys know that. thanks
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i walk around like everything is ok but deep down my name jeff
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me in 2005: i bet by 2018 we will have flying cars
2018: they did surgery on a grape
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robber: gimme ur money
millennial: ok so i dont have anything right now cause im freelance and i get paid bi-monthly but 2 weeks from now i should be getting a check in the mail from one of the companies i work for unless they send it late
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musk: i got u a gift..
grimes: is this... an invader zim hoodie?!?!
elon: :)
grimes: this is so fucking EPIC
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movie plot where a group of friends is racing against the clock to make a viral video so they can plug their friends gofundme link to get surgery. they’re just attempting trick shots for like a week and then the friend dies
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everyone loves racism watchdog, the dog that barks at racism!
*five minutes later*
we regret to inform you all this account does is spread racist ideas onto a much larger audience
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why do restaurants have to come up with dumb ass names for their menu items.. got me sayin “Yeah let me have uhh the Grandmas wacky home style skillet” Bitch I Will Kill All Of Us Right Now I Have A Bomb
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hey dude do you wanna bounce on it crazy style as a friend
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college dropouts be like damn I have smoking weed due this friday
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[me on ellen]
ellen: corn
me: corn?
[corn starts pouring in from the ceiling and filling the room]
ellen: corn
me: what??
the crowd: WE WANT CORN!
ellen: 𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐍
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remember that vine that was like
👁 👁
👃🏼
) (
👄
𝙞 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙡𝙚 𝙖 𝙠𝙞𝙨𝙨. 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙙𝙤 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙞𝙩 :)
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sometimes the news isnt all that bad if you just read between the lines...
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If you then you don’t
don’t love deserve
me at my me at my
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once i heard the government shut down i immediately ripped the tape off my laptop camera and went ballistic on my meat
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lemme stay .... in my bag ... cause i like .... when u mad .... issa mood .... issa vibe .... issa look .... issa match
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choking during sex is overrated how about you pay off my credit card debt
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it was certainly a frat move... but was it a 𝙩𝙤𝙩𝙖𝙡 frat move? experts weigh in tonight at 10
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i used to laugh at actual jokes now i just laugh when people spell mcdonalds like “macdondalds”
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day 4 quarantine with gf: so apparently women have the ability to “orgasm,”
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me: im sad
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quote tweet: this is a whole ass mood
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gf: can we please just have sex
me, practicing kickflips on the carpet: no
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laughing at the idea of someone from stan twitter in court trying to appeal a speeding ticket like “ummmmm 🙄🙄🙄 ok??? i wasn’t even speeding but go off i guess???”
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nodding my head like yeah AND moving my hips like yeah?? in this economy? i dont think so
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call of duty search and destroy voice while im going from missionary to doggy: switching sides
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@alteratyeshiva
@Nike
this is epic brother. epic shoe burning. this is the one that will finally bring nike down 😈 thanks for sharing
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day 308 without sex:
nothing is wrong. im actually becoming stronger. yesterday i threw a prius off a bridge
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when logic is about to nut he definitely yells out “who can relate!”
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wife has been spending a lot of time with her personal trainer Zack
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im so weird.. sometimes when im hungry ill literally eat food idk probably just me tho lmao
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“so what we get drunk?
so what we smoke weed?
we’re just having fun
we dont care who sees.”
-elon musk
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