Zoltan Kaszas
@ZoltanCOMEDY
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Comedian with tour dates👇
San Diego, CA
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
I'm releasing my new special Honorary Jones this Sunday on YouTube, please watch it and also hit this link and get notified when it premieres. It all helps the algorithm or something. Thank you!
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This new X logo coming out shortly after Thread launches is like the response of seeing your ex with someone new so you go out and buy a leather jacket you can't pull off.
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We're getting abortion laws from 1864? Isn't that when they burned witches?
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The Kardashians have spoken, the next look for us all to achieve is Opioid Chic
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@mrgrahamkay
Makes sense they’re on a cruise, it’s the only way to travel without accidentally experiencing someone else’s culture
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Love and Hate are very similar feelings especially in the sense that we should only feel them towards people we actually know.
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I don't mind China spying on Montana as long as they share their findings with us because I don't think we know much about that state either
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It's weird watching all the people I deleted on Facebook pop up on the news
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My new headshot really screams “I’ll host anything on HGTV”
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I was asked if I’m scared of all the homeless in San Diego. I said no because they’re just poor people who at best might steal my phone or wallet. I’m more scared of the rich, they’ll steal your house and your job and make it look like it was your fault
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Just broke a million views for Modern Male and I need to know if
@YouTube
sends a celebratory cake directly to my house or if I have to pick it up at The Cheesecake Factory? 🎂
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I'm late to the debate! I'm an immigrant and I was busy eating a dog, what did I miss?
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I’m open to either trashing Joe Rogan or supporting him, just trying to figure out which option is more beneficial to my career 🤷♂️
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Bombed for 50mins at a corporate and afterwards a sweet old man came up to me and said “How do you stand up there and talk for so long? That’s a real talent” 😑
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How do I tell Google Maps that I’m never and I mean never ever looking for a Starbucks that’s inside a grocery store?
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The downside of only being friends with people you agree with politically is now I don’t have anyone to borrow a pickup truck from...
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If your really want to wreck an H&M just take their clothes and put them through one cycle in a washing machine... demolished
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Dana White a guy running a billion dollar company known for underpaying his employees speaking at the RNC goes together like PB&J
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Just found out you can only buy health insurance between November and January. Why is health insurance being treated like a pumpkin spice latte?
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I did comedy at the park, Covid has turned me into a street preformer
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#IOnceDatedSomeoneWho
Didn't think dinosaurs existed, thought the bones were put there by the devil
#eHarmony
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Taking a photo with Jessica always feels like a hostage situation
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You know its an uneventfully good day when Canada Dry ginger ale is trending, let's keep it up
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My mom is coming to visit so I’m about to swiffer my floor like I brush my teeth before a dentist appointment
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I’m in Florida wearing a mask and everyone is looking at me like I’m wearing a bicycle helmet in the 90s
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The comedy world lost a killer, I can’t think of anyone comics that wanted to follow Erik Myers on a show because he was that damn funny. Off stage he was always kind, humble and complimentary, RIP Erik
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Twitter just asked me if I wanted to read the article first before retweeting it, I laughed out loud and said “That’s not how this works”
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I always thought stand up comedian was the lowest form of self employment until I found out about life coaches
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Posted my new hour on YouTube! All I’m asking for is a donation to the GoFundMe I set up for Meals On Wheels (Link for that is in the description of vid)
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Every morning is the same:
-Wake up.
-Scroll twitter, Hate the world
-Get coffee
-Wait to poo.
-Poo while tweeting about the world you hate
-Start the day
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Rich people don’t pay taxes but it’s illegal immigrants and the poor that are burdening our tax system? Okay 🤷♂️
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Spent most of June in Tulsa playing Jesus in a movie because the universe wanted to one up the weirdness that was 2020…
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Last night I did a bar show, where a dude I went to high school with showed up hammered, bought his way on stage to bomb then stayed to heckle every comic including me for the rest of the show. What I’m saying is and I could go for another year of lockdown
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Has anyone tried telling anti-maskers to not wear a mask? Reverse psychology worked on me as a kid and these people seem to be as emotionally developed
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One time I got a job at Sears Automotive only because I wanted a cool mechanic’s shirt with my name sewn on it even though I didn’t know much about cars. Sometimes you get a job just for the uniform, I feel like the entire Uvalde police force gets what I’m saying.
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Thank you Everett, WA! Over 500 of you showed up to watch me blabber on for an hour, made me feel like Chris Rock 😊
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Kyle Rittenhouse is now the OJ of this generation, found not guilty but ya know…
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Im 32 now and I refuse to post a selfie without a filter 🎂
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I always argued with people that said people today can’t take a joke until this joke about transmissions upset a lot of people on TikTok 🤦♂️
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I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and when the hygienist asks me if I’ve been flossing I’m going to be honest and say “No because I thought we’d all be dead by now”
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So you broke into the Capitol and in an ultimate “what now” moment ended up taking selfies with statues like you were at Madam Tussaud’s because you’re a patriot?
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I don’t want to kill myself but I would like to die naturally soon
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“Impeached more times than elected but never convicted” will be a solid bar trivia question for years to come
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I filmed this special in 2016, never released until today! Check it out and enjoy
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Just bombed so hard it felt like I stole that bottle of water that comedy club
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Are we living in a time when “count all the votes” is a divisive statement?
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I wish George Carlin was around to see how many doofuses use his quotes to empower their dumb ideologies
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Something magical happens in your 30s where you're fully comfortable saying "I love you" to your dude friends.
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Did anyone tell Trump he was speaking publicly today? It looks and sounds they just shook him awake from a cat nap and shoved him in the rose garden
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Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom and I coming to the US, July 4th 1991. There's nothing more American than taking a day about something else and making it about yourself 🇺🇸
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Sold out The Royal at the 11th hour! Thanks all 380 ya! (The people will be here, I already have their money)
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If I was president I’d make bars serve food as long as they serve alcohol because people need food past 10pm 🇺🇸
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Trump can’t denounce white supremacists for the same reason I can’t denounce cat ladies, it would ruin our careers
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Spent the last 48hrs in Utah and most people aren’t wearing masks I’m only assuming because they know they’re going to heaven. Meanwhile I’m wearing two because I’ve spent 33 years being a heathen 😷
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I gave my name over the phone and the person on the other end asked “Z as in Zorro?” to which I replied “Yes, hell yes man” Z as in Zebra never again ♥️
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“This doesn’t outlaw abortion, it gives the power to states to decide” Yes and that’s the problem ya ding dong, let women decide.
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Rebranding homeless people to unsheltered is all we've done to make ourselves feel better about doing nothing at all
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Home from the road and immediately love bombed by the lions
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“Getting the vaccine is a personal choice!”
“Okay yeah, let’s use that same train of thought about abortion”
“...”
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Jessica’s lockdown tip of the day: Have You Tried Taking A Nap?
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I knew if i worked hard enough one day I’d get to dangle like a nut sack in my front yard
#FollowYourDreams
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Say what you will about millennials but they are taking down sex offenders from decades ago that the previous generation let slide because “His songs are fun!”
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I've been in comedy long enough that I now know if someone tweets "Big things in the works, can't talk about it but stay tuned" 9 times outta 10 they got nothing
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And the Oscar for the biggest douche at the airport goes too…
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I love the revisionist history people are having about Twitter. It wasn’t a great thing before and it isn’t now. Our biological dad was an alcoholic and now our new step dad won’t hug us, they both suck.
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Lockdown has got me learning some sweet and useless skills
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The good cops out there that are feeling judged get over it, that’s how it works. As a male comedian I’m used to people assuming I’m a depressed sexual deviant, it’s up to me to show them otherwise.
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Hey when you tweet something like “I stand with the ________ community” do you have to actually do anything after that or is the tweet it?
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How do you tell google that I already bought a couch and I don’t need the ads anymore?
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Been a huge fan of
@sinbadbad
for 20 years, that smile is from 12 year old me. By the way he crushed and is still one of the best comics around
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