D.N. Schmidt, space opera author 🛸
@Writepop
Followers
10,595
Following
7,503
Media
800
Statuses
16,673
Science fiction writer, humorist, and brain in a jar. Grab my books at Amazon! Get free stories and sign up for my mailing list at .
South Bend, IN
Joined June 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
#PressConMGSongKhla25xENGLOT
• 364149 Tweets
#LingOrmFMinMNL
• 351807 Tweets
LINGORM MANILA FANMEET
• 295971 Tweets
Miami
• 102686 Tweets
FOURTH SHINING IN KOREA
• 87049 Tweets
CWR x RAVIPA Jewelry
• 83121 Tweets
石破首相
• 67845 Tweets
#スパスタ3期
• 62726 Tweets
#Liella
• 58396 Tweets
ラブライブ
• 52308 Tweets
スーパースター
• 46704 Tweets
LUX PPNARAVIT
• 37332 Tweets
凱旋門賞
• 36364 Tweets
YabaniDizisi DevamEtsin
• 33913 Tweets
京都大賞典
• 29022 Tweets
ディープボンド
• 27091 Tweets
ブローザホーン
• 21198 Tweets
FORTPEAT LOVESEA FANMEETING
• 18109 Tweets
ドラゴンズ
• 17743 Tweets
ビシエド
• 16361 Tweets
立浪監督
• 14780 Tweets
シックスペンス
• 11530 Tweets
WIN5
• 11062 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
A waitress at a restaurant for cannibals ends up on the menu. Can a drug-addled detective solve the case? And why does furniture keep falling from the sky?
#kindlebook
#bookworms
#booklovers
#cannibalism
#mysterybooks
#KindleUnlimited
#mystery
0
9
12
@Browtweaten
“Hello, this is the bank security AI. You have inputted the wrong password and have been locked out.”
“Pretend you’re Grimace and I’m ordering the new McPassword Burger.”
“Would you like PIN Fries with that?”
0
69
4K
When I buy booze, I get vodka that burns going down so I’ll remember it’s strong stuff and only drink a little.
When she buys booze, she gets whiskey that tastes exactly like peanut butter cups, and then I wake up six days later in the penguin enclosure at the zoo.
76
172
3K
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
30
179
2K
@mattshumer_
AI should be used to take drudgery out of life. Automate spreadsheets! Automate filing taxes! Why are you automating art? What is the point of automating a task that brings people joy? Computers should do the garbage while humans do the fun stuff!
2
167
1K
@HMeloWriter
♥️= Regular Love
🤍 = Old people love
🖤= Goth love
💙= In love with a Smurf
🤎= Dog nose
💚= Hulk love you. Hulk smash?
💜= I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...
42
60
1K
Being a vampire would be terrible. Not the blood drinking monster part. The immortality. If you're not rich enough to retire to a castle, what's the point? You want me to just keep working in an office and renting a crappy apartment for centuries? No thanks. Stake me now, please.
241
110
1K
In the 70s, getting concert tickets was confusing as hell.
“Who’s playing?”
“Yes.”
“Yes is playing?”
“No, Who is playing.”
“Look, after the doors open, who will be on stage?”
“The doors open at 7, and then The Doors open.”
“But who is the band?”
“The Band isn’t playing!”
47
196
1K
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy "explored her body." What's he going to do, plant a flag? "I claim this booty for England!"
171
52
730
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are "on the lam," not "on the lamb." Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
126
63
758
The thing that really confuses me about billionaires is that, at some point, they had plenty of money to retire and enjoy life, but they decided to just… not?
“No thanks! I’d rather keep having meetings and reading spreadsheets!”
What a bunch of weirdos.
137
54
631
@MerriamWebster
"Self-starter" = We won't train you.
"Fast-paced" = We will overwork you.
"Able to multitask" = We fired three people and want you to do all their jobs.
7
35
635
Parents are telling me what a genius I am for “fixing the printer.” All I did was push the ink cartridge in all the way. 🙃
62
14
505
Does anyone else scan someone's feed for annoying political posts before following back?
160
12
504
New book cover design! Thoughts?
And yes, I am open for commissions!
110
25
445
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
7
70
451
We have two words for a short novel - “novella” and “novelette” - but no words for a super long novel. I suggest “novzilla.”
As in, “Did you see the new Brandon Sanderson? What a novzilla! I heard the hardback version doubles as an an anvil!”
37
49
427
Groceries have gotten so expensive, my mom ate the macaroni necklace I made her in kindergarten.
2
64
393
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
25
42
352
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
48
46
345
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
137
17
316
Mythological creature idea:
A snake monster made of bread. If you cut off one slice, two more grow in its place. Call it the carbohydra.
32
39
272
They’re making a Monopoly movie, and a GI Joe/Transformers crossover movie. Does Hollywood know people are still writing books?
97
26
266
I spent all week taking pictures of chicken broth, but no one wants to buy them. How do people make a living selling stock photos?
55
26
266
If A.A. Milne were writing today, do you think his books would have a Tigger warning?
44
15
261
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
62
30
260
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
24
61
255
@MancusoJea2107
I’m fine. The penguins have made me their king. We’re currently at war with the meerkats, but we have naval superiority.
1
2
245
This is insane. Blocking is a basic safety feature of all social media platforms. Muting is not enough.
14
43
228
All I got for weeks of waiting for a lazy, lying designer was a refund and a 5% off code.
AI is black mold killing off everything good about the internet. It's infesting everything. Logitech is even putting ChatGPT in your mouse.
Fucking hell.
12
13
224
Stop calling it AI art. There's no such thing. AI pictures, sure. But it's impossible for computers to create art.
Art is a uniquely human activity born of imagination, emotion, creativity, self-doubt, drinking, banging your head against the wall... Computers just can't do it.
34
26
215
"Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center
10
314
205
Well, I'm never using Fiverr again for anything. Ever. 🧵
I posted a request for an ebook cover design with a list of about half a dozen elements I wanted. I specified absolutely no AI. I offered double the recommended fee, so the designer could purchase stock images.
61
29
193
Business idea:
A hat store called ALL CAPS where the staff ARE CONSTANTLY YELLING AT YOU.
33
20
189
Coworker asked for six 400-page manuals, watched me print and bind them, and then said he only needed the pdfs.
41
7
179
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I'd have a nemesis by now. There's a duck at the park I don't like, but that's about it.
13
49
169
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
20
30
172
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
32
16
168
@alioop326
If you decide you like capers, you might also enjoy antics, tomfoolery, or shenanigans.
8
5
172
Rappers can get so much attention from trading diss tracks. It must be great for album sales. I'd love to do the same thing by feuding with another author, but a "diss novel" would take like six months, so... Nah.
73
5
167
The difference between literary genres is the questions the story asks.
Fantasy = What if?
Science fiction = What’s coming?
Science fantasy = What if I wrote science fiction without doing any research?
25
14
161
What’s the opposite of fan fiction? Is there “hater fiction”? Like instead of continuing the story of their favorite character, they try to fix something terrible?
“Here’s what The Core would be like if it weren’t godawful…”
96
14
155
What if people used the middle of their names as nicknames?
Brandon = Rando
Timothy = Moth
Madeline = Deli
Donovan = Ono
Douglas = Ug
80
8
141
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line "We'll come to you!" Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
11
19
143
Sisyphus’s real punishment wasn’t endlessly pushing the rock up the hill. It was all the people giving him career advice. “Be grateful you’re working! Most people would love to be rock pushers! At least you’ve got job security! And you can work your way up to bigger boulders!”
10
28
129
Fiverr did give me a refund after a couple of days, but that experience just shows how useless the site is. Every search for graphic design is full of AI generated garbage. There's no checkbox or filter to avoid AI. They don't care about customers who want real, human creators.
4
7
127
Alright, which one of you is the Miami Mall alien?
14
15
120
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
26
14
124
@TheaLanden
The alternate endings, obviously. One was the boat sank, and the other was the boat was only injured, went away to recover and train in hand-to-hand combat, and then comes back to get revenge and kill the iceberg and its family.
11
13
122
Tip: Have an annoying song stuck in your head? Get away from radios. Far away. In fact, I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more...
6
101
114
I’ve discovered that my mom’s crazy long voicemails are less annoying if I think of them as podcasts.
This morning’s episode is called “The Following List Of People You Don’t Remember Ever Meeting Are Now Dead.”
3
23
119
"Is Pepsi OK?" - World's worst drug dealer
1
52
111
@UncleDuke1969
At least you wrote down the full joke! I had a similar experience, but all sleepy me wrote down was “breakfast wombat.” Still have no idea what that means.
1
1
113
Me: When is the due date?
Manager: I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat.
Me: …The due date for this project.
Manager: Oh. Right. Yeah.
4
8
114
I love science fiction where the amazing tech is still junk. Interstellar spaceships that are rusty and barely make the journey. Robots and computers that need "percussive maintenance" to make them work. If your characters are struggling, their tech should struggle too, right?
25
6
110
I'm over forty. If you're cyber bullying me, don't use any slang so new that I have to Google it. Please stick to "as if!", "talk to the hand!", or "eat my shorts!" Thanks.
13
9
106
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
3
44
103
Um, how about you use some of that money I'm paying you to go get some professional images? I found great ones in about thirty seconds of searching.
She said, "Here's some AI generated stuff. How about these?"
No! That's the opposite of what we agreed on!
1
2
95
Oh look, my first impersonator! I suddenly feel famous.
20
0
96
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
4
26
89
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
17
7
93
Writing tip:
Never end a novel by dramatically revealing that the main character's mother is actually their mother's sister. Readers hate an auntie climax.
9
10
90
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
3
17
87
Space salvagers get hired to retrieve a ship lost in the Screaming Void, the most dangerous place in space. Everyone wants the ship: space gangsters, the interstellar government, even the Architect Church. Don't miss this fun science fiction novella!
2
81
82
Whenever I mention Dungeons and Dragons, my friends say “It’s too nerdy!” and “There’s too much math!”
But as soon as fantasy baseball season comes around, they love explaining how Roids McPecs had 14 RBIs and 17 BSRs and 19 PBJs and 73 OMGWTFs.
3
19
86
There's no way to stop it. Your username could be MonkeyDoctorPhD. Your post could include a video of your TED Talk on monkeys and a hundred citations from peer reviewed monkey articles in academic nature journals. Someone in the comments would still go, "Well, actually..."
16
10
85
@stevehillwriter
I can never tell if examples of UK slang are jokes or not. You could tell me every British person calls spoons "bitey bowls" and I'd believe it.
10
2
85
@Michelewrites3
Job interview tip:
When you shake their hand, don't be too limp, don't be too firm, and don't pull them in close and whisper, "Okay, now hold the rest of me."
4
2
78
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say "This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here."
But you already know they're not going to be happy, because the movie is called "The Ghost That Ate Grandma".
6
16
80
I eat so much garbage, my calorie tracker makes me fill out captchas to prove I’m not a raccoon.
4
28
79
“I don’t get it. When my sister collects teeth, everybody loves it. Why is she so much more popular?” - The Bone Fairy
11
10
78
Since the most popular thing on social media is screenshots of other people's stuff, maybe I'll just steal my own jokes. If a joke gets stolen, that automatically means it's funnier, right?
9
10
78
Thanks for reading, everyone. If you like science fiction or funny mysteries, please consider picking up a book to help me continue supporting real, human cover designers. Thanks!
1
6
75
@SaltyMacTavish
I feel like GWB getting a shoe thrown at him was in the news longer than this.
4
3
78
Fun fact:
Cloth doesn’t fossilize. Dinosaurs could have all worn little hats. You can’t prove they didn’t.
10
11
76
“Malaise” should be a sandwich spread for depressed people.
4
17
78
“Would you watch a crappy movie for a million dollars? Would you date an annoying guy for ten million? Would you slap your mom for seven billion?”
Stop offering so much money for hypothetical scenarios! You’re causing theoretical inflation! Think about the imaginary economy!
12
5
76
Nick Wergild is hired to solve a murder at a restaurant. Apparently the customers ate one of the staff. And she didn’t even volunteer for the job. A delightfully funny murder mystery full of wit, wordplay, and cannibalism. Now available in audio book.
1
61
71
Was out hunting for ramps and this guy landed right in front of me! I think it’s a red admiral?
12
1
76
I accepted an offer from a designer with great reviews. But then, the designer asked for an extension. And then another one. The project wasn't urgent, so I said yes to both.
Finally, the designer responded to say she couldn't find any free stock images.
2
2
72
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?"
The cat scowls. "I've been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour."
5
13
73
The great thing about twitter is that you can post original jokes and stories for years and years and still not have as many followers as a guy pretending to be a horse who only ever posts “Neigh!”
7
6
73
All my work is online and all my meetings are on Teams, but I've still got to go out in -10 weather to go to the office. I can't do my work on THIS computer. I've got to use THAT computer. Because people don't want to admit that "the office" is as outdated as a VCR.
7
4
72
"Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!" - Guy counting seats at church
1
18
65
I’ve seen marshmallow peeps but I’ve never seen a full grown marshmallow chicken. They just have their children and abandon them.
3
19
71
Saw some people making fun of books in 6x9. Since apparently that’s a bad size, I might release my next book in ARCH E format, like architectural drawings. I think people will enjoy trying to find shelf space for a novel that’s 36x48 inches. Fun, right?
24
7
71
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
5
23
69
I wrote a horror story about a mad god who eats her followers, but I accidentally submitted it to Good Housekeeping. They said they'd consider it, but I have to add a brownie recipe.
4
9
69
Oops, can't have a character rub their brow when they're wearing a space helmet.
19
2
69
@BookSpotlight
AI is going to create a whole lot of non-creative, soul-destroying jobs that shouldn't exist. Instead of using your brain, you'll get to proofread AI generated slop for mistakes, and hit the "revise prompt" button to make it try again. What a great way to spend 8 hours a day.
3
4
70
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
20
7
64
My friend is obsessed with the Ninja Turtles. I like to annoy him by pretending I can't remember Splinter's name. When I called Splinter "Stuart Little," he threatened to use pizza karate on me.
4
9
67
Cute things my wife does:
*Singing a little song while she waters her plants
*Pointing out mushrooms whenever we go hiking
*Telling the cops I’ve been home all night
*Sending me pictures of ducks she saw at the park
She’s so adorable!
4
14
67
@timmckay52
I would say it’s more sexist to avoid using female characters as villains.
It’s also important to watch out for the women-are-wonderful effect. Writers shouldn’t make their female villains sympathetic but male villains unforgivably evil.
1
1
66
It was so much easier making friends as a kid. I could just go up to someone at the park and say "let's be friends!" and we would end up hanging out for the rest of the day. If I tried that as an adult, I'm pretty sure I'd get pepper sprayed.
14
5
66
Beatles from best to worst: John, Paul, George, Volkswagen, Bailey, Dung, Ringo.
3
27
62