Witney Seibold
@WitneySeibold
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Critic, essayist, semi-talented snot. Co-host of @CriticAcclaim & @CanceledCast . Senior staff writer @SlashFilm He/him. 💖💜💙 @witneyseibold .bsky.social
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Pinned Tweet
My four audio dramas, or, as the kids say, scripted podcasts:
- THE TENTH MUSE
- LOVE AT NANA
- DETERMINED
- SHE BEGAN TO DANCE AROUND (The new Christmas show!)
$10 each
$18 for two
$25 for three
$32 for all four!
Get 'em as gifts! But 'em for youself!
DM me for details.
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Remember when Henry Cavill "cocked" his arm guns? That was neat.
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Great films about race and racism from 2018:
BLINDSPOTTING
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU
BLACK PANTHER
THE HATE U GIVE
IF BEALE STREET COULD TALK
BLACKKKLANSMAN
Horrendously mediocre film about race and racism from 2018:
GREEN BOOK
Best Picture, 2018:
[Weary sigh]
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Tim Burton: Batman to Apes
Matt Reeves: Apes to Batman
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I saw Walt Disney trending and was afraid his frozen severed head had died.
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R.I.P. Roger Corman
I interened for Corman for two years in 2000 and 2001. I ran errands, did a loooot of script reading, & went to the spooky basement to get promo materials. After two years, he gave me a 2-day gig on WHEN EAGLES STRIKE, gave me $100, and sent me on my way.
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BREAKING: The Academy to cut every award from the Oscars telecast. Will replace it with 179 minutes of commercials narrated by Matthew McConaughey.
UPDATE: McConaughey out.
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So it seems the Oscars want an audience of people who don't know movies and don't watch very many of them.
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Geek culture, as it has currently evolved over the last 20 years, is not an affectionate relationship between an obsessive and their chosen object of affection, but a financial relationship between a giant media company and its self-appointed bodyguards.
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Am I the only one who was kind of o.k. with JUSTICE LEAGUE the way it was?
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Ten days,
@Marvel
fans! Here are the films you should watch, in order, in preparation for
#InfinityWar
!
DIARY OF A COUNTRY PRIEST
PATHER PANCHALI
PERSONA
IKIRU
ALL THAT HEAVEN ALLOWS
KILLER OF SHEEP
TOKYO STORY
IRON MAN THREE
JEANNE DIELMAN 23, QUAI DU COMMERCE, 1080 BRUXELLES
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@ABC7Amarillo
Hey look! It's a dog food sculpture with false teeth. Oh wait. That's the governor.
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Starting on March 1st, I will be working as a full-time staff writer at
@slashfilm
. This is a big step forward for me as a writer.
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In SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME, Spider-Man is given a posthumous gift by Iron Man: A pair of sunglasses.
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The simultaneous messages you get from your social media.
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Dear everyone who saw AVENGERS: ENDGAME,
Go see Olivia Wilde's
#BOOKSMART
in theaters as many times. Because this amazing, hilarious, touching, progressive, perfect little film deserves the same universal attention.
Signed me.
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@Tim_Burgess
Also in that same cemetery is Rodney Dangerfield who has one of the all-time greats:
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I got to witness Corman editing the remake of "Arena" (released as "Gladiator 2" in Japan). He watched the film, stroked his chin, and said, in that sonorous voice of his "We need more nudity here." Classic.
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I got to meet Jim Wynorski (an unpleasant experience), talked to Gloria Allred (I told her I loved her in "Rat Race"), and made Julie Corman laugh a few times (no easy feat; she was very serious).
It was a formative time and a brush with a master.
R.I.P., dude.
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To those who are complaining that STAR WARS actress Gina Carano is a victim of cancel culture: May I introduce you to Kelly Marie Tran?
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I really hope that during this wave of hype around the new Godzilla film that a lot of people are discovering the wonders of SHIN GODZILLA (2016), which towers over the American films in quality of filmmaking and in Godzilla-ness.
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A supervillain buys The Olive Garden, and then tricks Dom Toretto into dining there, but when he's there, he's family, so now he's family with the supervillain and it really messes with his head.
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@LCJReviews
Core themes are laid out as a thesis, often in the film's first scenes. They are not a plot surprise.
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One day, Corman said he needed to finish shooting a werewolf movie that wasn't finished. He sent me to the park across the street from the office to get two garbage bags full of sticks. They had set up a large black tent on the roof.
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I threw a few obscurities his way before landing on Flaming Carrot.
I wrote a pitch packet for a Flaming Carrot movie and contacted Bob Burden.
Corman and Burden conversed about making a Flaming Carrot movie together.
Sadly, it never manifested.
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Pitch for JOKER 2:
JOKERS.
There's, like, a hundred of 'em. Turns out a Queen Joker has been laying Joker eggs everywhere. And the marines can't blast em all and they have to fight the Queen Joker in a power loader and then they blow it out the airlock also Queen Joker is Batman.
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They spread the sticks all over the roof under the tent and, boom, it was a werewolf-infested Irish forest.
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He was an imposing presence. Tall and wellzspoken, he was assured and insistant. He knew how to make money on movies. He knew good films when he saw them, but didn't care when he made shlock.
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David Gordon Green had this little bit of fun with HALLOWEEN ENDS. Kyle Richards, who plays Lindsay and is also one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, reenacted her part in the "woman yells at cat" meme.
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LITTLE WOMEN.
What a movie!
What costumes!
What music!
What a screenplay!
Pugh was great!
Ronan was great!
...Guess it directed itself.
#OscarNoms
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He got so many crappy scripts! So much aimless, terrible garbage.
In 2001, he seemed to know that the superhero trend was coming, and asked me, the 21-yearzold nerd, to recommend comics to him that weren't already owned by Marvel or DC.
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@JohnCleese
Story is not the driving function of every scene. Indeed, story is often a distant concern. Many scenes communicate moods, tone, character. Offer a breath. A moment of reflection. Even sex scenes and action sequences aren't story. Cinema is more than story. BRAIN DAMAGE is cinema
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Remember the year when we had movies called LOGAN, LUCKY, and LOGAN LUCKY and they were all good?
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You couldn't make BLAZING SADDLES today because the day is half over, and after lunch you were gonna drop that stuff off at the Goodwill, then you were gonna call your dad to see if he needed his back medicine, so you couldn't start on BLAZING SADDLES 'til 5 or 6. Not enough time
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Instead of Chris Pratt, how about Werner Herzog as Garfield.
"Mondays are a hateful sign of nature's absence of compassion."
"The odious mongrel dog, driven only by empty animal stupidity, coats me with drool, reminding me that we are no more than beasts."
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I applied for a job I really want. Cross your fingers for me.
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#VALERIAN
is one of the most bracing, vivacious, alive sci-fi films in years, and may be one of the most electrically gorgeous ever.
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@heybrucewright
This is already a universal assumption about criticism. How many words do you recommend we waste in constantly re-definining what a review is.
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I've seen "Babylon," and I've seen "Babylon 5," and, wow! a lot must happen in parts 2 through 4.
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We need to cease this notion that all critics are merely bitter, failed artists. For one, many great artist began as critics (the Cahiers crowd, for instance), but more importantly, this argument fails to note that criticism is an art unto itself.
Christopher McQuarrie on meeting the critic who wrote the worst review of his career: “All angry, bitter, nasty criticisms have the same subtext: ‘You squandered an opportunity that should have been mine.’ I can’t say criticism never bothered me again."
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The existence of Life Cereal implies the existence of Death Cereal.
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"Why the hell do you have to be so critical?"
"I'm a critic."
"No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from 'good' to 'excellent.'"
"What if I don't like them?"
"That's what 'good' is for!"
(Dialogue from THE CRITIC, but also film discourse on Twitter)
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In all of the MCU films, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby are openly credited as the creators of the chatacters. They, however are far from the only ones. Let's give credit where credit is due...
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THE CABIN IN THE WOODS, a riff on Sam Raimi's THE EVIL DEAD seems novel and deconstructionist until you realize that DEAD was itself actively deconstructing the genre it was in the middle of creating.
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Remember the year when a long-lost Orson Welles film was released and it was trippy and great, and then no one talked about and we gave an Oscar to GREEN BOOK?
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Disney owns five of the most popular films of the year (BLACK PANTHER, AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR, ANT-MAN AND THE WASP, INCREDIBLES 2, and SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY).
Disney owns ABC, the network that broadcasts the
#Oscars
.
Today, the Oscars announced a Best Popular Film award
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The shenanigans over at Warner Bros. is a pretty clear sign that the gravy train has stopped. We were spoiled during the streaming wars, with every major studio pouring gallons of money into a wide variety of projects. ...
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Everything Batman did, Robin did half-naked in elf shoes.
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#VALERIAN
is one of the most vivacious, bracing, alive science fiction films in years, and could be the most electrically gorgeous ever.
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Ideal movie length
70 - 89 minutes. YES!
90 - 109 minutes. Mm.
110 - 146 minutes. BOOOO!
147 - 190 minutes. Mm.
191 - 450 minutes. YES!
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Audience: Hollywood needs to make new franchises with new images, characters, and contributions to the pop vernacular.
Hollywood: K. JUPITER ASCENDING
A: Nah.
H: VALERIAN?
A: Lord no.
H: MORTAL ENGINES?
A: Forget it. We'll stick with STAR WARS Land and DETECTIVE PIKACHU.
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@Hipstercrite
I lost my pinky when using a paper slicer. Maggie Smith, without me seeing, picked it up off the floor. Without saying anything, and keeping eye contact the whole time, she slowly ate my pinky. She smiled and left.
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Comic book movies weren't some kind eternal magic bullet that saved Hollywood. They were a trend that Hollywood overspent on. It persisted for about a decade and now it's out of fashion.
Another trend will soon rise and Hollywood will overspend on that one too. Sunrise. Sunset.
It’s not so easy to open up the summer season without marvel huh?😂 Let this be a lesson to all the people in Hollywood that look down on CBM (and IP in general). Show some f*ucking respect to genre that keep the business going all these years.
#TheFallGuy
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"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a kaiju."
-First line of dialogue from Martin Scorsese's "GoodZillas."
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People refer to their pets as their "furbabies," but no one refers to their children as their "fleshpets."
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For those looking for other great Kathryn Hahn performances after seeing
#WandaVision
, might I suggest just about anything else with Kathryn Hahn?
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THOR 4 is maybe 4 to 6% gay. A woman kisses a woman's hand. A rock monster has two off-screen dads, and has a boyfriend in one scene. A guy gets a little woozy looking at Thor naked. That's kinda it.
Before the THOR 4 screening last night Natalie Portman called it "so gay". Devastated to report — and really, you won't believe this — that she lied
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My
@IGN
review of MIDSOMMAR was quoted on the video box, but the way they laid it out, it looks like a rhyming couplet.
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Remember, kids, just as READY PLAYER ONE taught us, the only way to live a full, successful, emotional life is to ally yourself with the correct content-churning mega-corporation.
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Elliot Page as Wolverine.
I know he was in an X-Men film already (one of the bad ones, too), but he's buff and short like Wolverine and also Canadian.
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Long ago, Spider-Man's slogan was once "With great power comes great responsibility," but the Spider-Man in FAR FROM HOME doesn't seem to understand that responsibility exists. He has no ideas of his own and is only a superhero because he wants to impress Iron Man.
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OMG, What if Scorsese took over for the Stan Lee cameos?
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Zack Snyder's three superhero movies run 568 minutes
The seven POLICE ACADEMY movies run 628 minutes. One hour longer.
Your move, Zack.
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Join me in giving a hearty congratulations to
@WilliamBibbiani
for being accepted - deservedly and at long last - into the Los Angeles Film Critics Association!
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#JurassicWorldDominion
is a jumbled nightmare. Sloppy, contrived, enervating. A butt-numbing 147 minutes of bland, shrieky mayhem that arouses no fear, wonderment, excitement. A grab-bag of generic action setpieces huddling together for warmth. Eches of Emmerich's GODZILLA.
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READY PLAYER ONE is about putting on a branded uniform and fighting for the rights of the company that owns you.
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IT'S AN ANIMATED FILM.
#TheLionKing
is now Disney's biggest live action movie ever after amassing $1.3 billion globally
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Reminder: Not all white guys in their late 30s or early 40s are fans of STAR WARS, ALIENS, BLADE RUNNER, or LORD OF THE RINGS.
We are, however, all fans of ROBOCOP.
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A sequel to OSMOSIS JONES called WE LIVE IN A SOCIOLOGIST.
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On the way out, make abortion legal, forgive all student and medical loans, and expand the Supreme Court to 27.
My fellow Democrats, I have decided not to accept the nomination and to focus all my energies on my duties as President for the remainder of my term. My very first decision as the party nominee in 2020 was to pick Kamala Harris as my Vice President. And it’s been the best
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Four horror movies I can watch repeatedly.
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Is this supposed to look like her pronouns are she/hulk?
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Pitch: A tragic showbiz drama about the giant ape who came to Hollywood to star in KING KONG movies, but who lost every role to younger, more ambitious giant apes. He ends up settling for bit parts on cop shows before discovering his true passion is writing TV reviews.
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(Thread)
Dear Florida,
Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay,
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@leahmcelrath
@CaseyHinds
@DavidCornDC
@MotherJones
@Isikoff
@YahooNews
I remember reading all of this Trump Tower Moscow stuff from
@SethAbramson
quite a while ago, and he based his twitter threads on media reportage.
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Why are we going to bat for The Snyder Cut? Because I saw the Snyder Cut of BATMAN V. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE and it was a poorly thought-out, reckless, misguided, turgid, adolescent mess.
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If you see a really bad, hateable movie in theaters, it's okay. In 10 to 15 years, it'll be an overlooked masterpiece.
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Me: Nothing the MCU can do will capture my interest.
MCU: We have a movie called DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS
Me: ...Dammit.
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A sequel to a prequel is just called the original movie.
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"Films are just escapism and you shouldn't give them a political point of view" is a political point of view.
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@art__haus
Elaine May
Cheryl Dunye
Greta Gerwig
Jodie Foster
Julie Delpy
Adrienne Shelley
Liv Ullmann
Nicole Garcia
Barbra Streisand
Rebecca Hall
Vera Farmiga
Jeanne Moreau
Hanna Schygulla
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Clea DuVall
Sarah Polley
Ida Lupino
Jane Birkin
MARY PICKFORD
Watch more movies.
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Wow!
#TheRiseOfSkywalker
is beyond amazing! So many surprises! So much glorious action! So many wistful farewells! So much bestiality, your eyes will pop! If you love STAR WARS or bestiality, this is 100% your film.
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I'm THIS CLOSE to 20,000 Twitter followers. Can I get 17,066 followers in the next 5 hours??
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