Jew in a Canoe ✡️
@WillieHandler
Followers
23,355
Following
8,302
Media
26,059
Statuses
136,696
author of humour/satirical books ⚠️MANY TWEETS ARE HUMOUR & NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY⚠️ Proud Jew ✡️ memoir OUT FROM THE SHADOW to be published by @AmsterdamPB
Toronto, Canada
Joined September 2011
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Russian
• 699703 Tweets
MA-1
• 243567 Tweets
Liz Cheney
• 214873 Tweets
Tim Pool
• 201702 Tweets
Savior Of The World
• 114471 Tweets
#TeachersDay
• 76562 Tweets
Candace
• 49452 Tweets
#JusticeForChristianah
• 42575 Tweets
#शिक्षक_दिवस
• 35990 Tweets
सर्वपल्ली राधाकृष्णन
• 32138 Tweets
全世帯支給
• 21154 Tweets
食料品クーポン
• 20571 Tweets
पूर्व राष्ट्रपति
• 20114 Tweets
भारत रत्न
• 20013 Tweets
Rebecca Cheptegei
• 17880 Tweets
政策原案
• 17491 Tweets
CERDAS BIJAK Pasti RIDO
• 16810 Tweets
Cara POSITIF Lebih NYAMAN
• 16153 Tweets
次期衆院選
• 14484 Tweets
物価高対策
• 14277 Tweets
Duped
• 11635 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
COVER REVEAL!
Out From the Shadows will be released on November 9, 2024.
Information about pre-sales and launch will be shared as they are known.
15
32
130
My wife has informed me that I can no longer answer my phone with "what the fuck do you want?"
2K
1K
20K
How many people open that microwave right before it beeps to avoid hearing it?
950
333
9K
My wife and I agreed no gifts this year for Valentine's Day. So I'm online looking for a gift.
1K
301
8K
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at
721
296
8K
Me: If you could sleep with --
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: --the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
104
369
8K
My wife hadn't ordered anything from Amazon in 8 days and they had one of their drivers come to the house to do a wellness check.
114
345
7K
I was at Tim Hortons and they called out Order 867. I yelled 5309 and nobody laughed then I felt old and drank my coffee in the car.
304
244
7K
I met a friend for coffee yesterday morning. It was just 10:30 and he told me he had already gone for a run, fixed the dishwasher, and cleaned out the garage. So I'm looking for a new friend. Someone I can relate to more.
109
243
6K
My wife hadn't ordered anything from Amazon in 8 days and they had one of their drivers come to the house to do a wellness check.
206
373
6K
Women don’t want flowers. They want the laundry done, clothes with pockets and mexican food.
522
431
6K
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you're from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don't know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
133
107
5K
I'm looking for some random advice. I don’t need any, just want random advice.
5K
376
4K
Women don’t want flowers. They want the laundry done, clothes with pockets and mexican food.
337
365
4K
I'm just looking for strange people who love coffee, read books and are not afraid to use the word fuck.
836
162
4K
I'm just looking for strange people who love coffee, read books and are not afraid to use the word fuck.
742
181
3K
7:30am: egg white omelette with mushrooms
10am: apple
12pm: cut up fruit with yogurt
3pm: banana
6pm: grilled chicken with salad (light dressing)
8pm: frozen yogurt
830pm: 2 cookies
845pm: 4 cookies
850pm: 8 cookies
9pm: bag of Doritos
930pm: Big Mac and fries
273
187
3K
I was in an argument with my wife when she suddenly informed me that she agreed with me. This is some trick, right?
748
154
3K
if a man catches a cold in a forest and there is no woman around, does he still act like he’s dying?
289
202
3K
My wife's favourite part of camping is the 5-star hotel with a spa.
329
109
2K
Me: If you could sleep with --
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: --the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
60
166
2K
My wife is complaining that most of the Halloween chocolates are gone. I blame her for making them so accessible in the back of the hall closet on the top shelf behind the scarves.
179
191
2K
My wife is complaining that most of the Halloween chocolates are gone. I blame her for making them so accessible in the back of the hall closet on the top shelf behind the scarves.
131
163
2K
My father (on the left) was liberated from Bisingen concentration camp on April 20, 1945 by the French First Army. It was his 4th camp in 4 months as the Germans moved him and other prisoners deeper into Germany as allied troops advanced. When he walked out of the camp he was a
250
272
2K
Stop being angry at procrastinators. We didn't do anything.
96
295
2K
How many people open that microwave right before it beeps to avoid hearing it?
305
48
2K
My wife has a great movie recommendation but she doesn’t remember the title. She says it stars the same person who was in the other movie but she can't remember that title either.
512
55
2K
I stood in front of the cheese for 15 minutes and quite frankly I was bored.
189
111
2K
I woke up at 2:30 am last night with a great story idea. I know I'd forget it by morning so this time I would get up and write it down. This is what I found in the morning:
"Heaven is next to the peanut butter so take your shirts they're free."
231
103
2K
I was at Tim Hortons and they called out Order 867. I yelled 5309 and nobody laughed then I felt old and drank my coffee in the car.
143
110
2K
I have now blocked everyone who is smarter than me. If you are reading this I'm so sorry you had to find out this way.
340
73
2K
7 yo: Can you do my homework tonight?
Me: No. It wouldn't be right.
7 yo: That's okay. Just do the best you can.
66
122
1K
I'm looking for some random advice. I don’t need any, just want random advice.
2K
147
1K
I'm going to be away from Twitter for a while. It seems that I won the Irish lottery (although I don't remember buying a ticket). I'm flying to Nigeria to pick up the $20 million cheque from a bank there. This is so exciting!
218
51
1K
How many people open that microwave right before it beeps to avoid hearing it?
240
44
1K
This is how you fold a fitted sheet. I'll be posting an instructional video shortly.
211
67
1K
My wife has informed me that I can no longer answer my phone with "what the fuck do you want?"
304
80
1K
The best way to remember the victims like Livia is to follow the
@AuschwitzMuseum
account. The victims had beautiful lives that were ended far too early.
24 July 1929 | A Hungarian Jewish girl, Livia Klein, was born.
In 1944 she was deported to
#Auschwitz
. She did not survive.
353
3K
13K
14
178
1K
I really need to know what prompted the need for this sign.
187
191
1K
I want to see the coolest photo on your phone that you actually took yourself. No selfies. Go!
949
59
1K
A woman approached me in the grocery store thinking I worked there. She asked where the quinoa was and I said no clue. Then I saw her talking to the manager no doubt trying to get me fired.
124
34
1K
Does anyone know if this is a good price for bork?
437
100
1K
My wife has a great movie recommendation but she doesn’t remember the title. She says it stars the same person who was in the other movie but she can't remember that title either.
335
55
1K
I got sick on tequila in Quebec City during a ski trip in the 70s. I'm only mentioning it now because we didn't have Twitter back then.
182
73
1K
43 years ago today the Rabbi signed our Ketubah (a Jewish marriage contract).
248
38
1K
It's called a 12-hour Tylenol Cold and Flu tablet because it takes 12 hours to get the tablet out of the blister pack.
89
70
1K
Sure it takes a couple hundred gallons of hot water to clean an empty jar of peanut butter, but I'm going to save the planet by recycling.
81
71
1K
I'm just looking for strange people who love coffee, read books and use the word fuck.
440
72
1K
Marcel Marceau was a world renowned mime but not everyone is familiar with his experience in the Holocaust.
He was a Jew and born Marcel Mangel. His father was a kosher butcher from the town of Bedzin, Poland where my father was from.
After Germany invaded France, he joined
120
292
1K
Essentially I'm on Twitter mostly because my relatives are all on Facebook.
97
72
1K
My wife has informed me that I can no longer answer my phone with "what the fuck do you want?"
212
63
1K
My half sister Laja was born on this day in 1940 in the Bedzin Ghetto. The only time she left the ghetto was 27 months later when she was shipped in a crowded freight car with her mother, her sister and our grandparents to Auschwitz. I can still see my father's tears whenever she
217
166
1K
My father married Esther Sledzik in the Bedzin Ghetto during the Nazi occupation on May 10, 1940. Just over 2 years later on August 14, 1942, Esther and their 2 daughters Laja and Jenta were rounded up with others and sent in freight cars to Auschwitz where they were gassed.
70
184
1K
Good morning to the introverts scrolling without commenting. At least give an emoji response.
604
32
1K
Good morning to the introverts scrolling without commenting. At least give an emoji response.
549
38
1K
This is an abomination. Please call the grammar police.
264
82
1K
Essentially I'm on Twitter mostly because my relatives are all on Facebook.
109
57
918
All I'm saying is before you decide to get married you should go grocery shopping together.
136
77
915
Rumour has it I'm 70 today. It's just another conspiracy theory. What I can tell you is that I'm constantly evolving and redefining my life. My most important work is still ahead of me. I look forward to new challenges and opportunities. Screw ageism.
362
38
948
The end of Twitter is taking forever. Did Tolstoy write this?
123
104
901
To the people who consistently like my tweets. I would like to do something nice like sending each of you a box of chocolates or if you don't eat chocolate then some Canadian bacon.
219
24
940
7:30am: egg white omelette with mushrooms
10am: apple
12pm: cut up fruit with yogurt
3pm: banana
6pm: grilled chicken with salad (light dressing)
8pm: frozen yogurt
830pm: 2 cookies
845pm: 4 cookies
850pm: 8 cookies
9pm: bag of Doritos
930pm: Big Mac and fries
149
66
908
This is an abomination. Please call the grammar police.
246
75
913
I started writing my memoir in January 2021. My first query was sent out in July 2022. I've rewritten the manuscript more times than I can remember.
Today I signed an agreement to release my memoir with
@AmsterdamPB
. This journey isn't over yet but this is a big milestone.
171
50
915
Why am I in the ER? I was assisting my wife in doing up her bra when she let go and the strap ricocheted into my eye. The EE nurse indicated this was an unprecedented injury.
135
25
914
My wife is now on Twitter so I'll be busy today deleting tweets.
86
36
864
I'm going to be away from Twitter for a while. It seems that I won the Irish lottery (although I don't remember buying a ticket). I'm flying to Nigeria to pick up the $20 million cheque from a bank there. This is so exciting!
150
25
893
Crime solving would be so much easier if the victims were more cooperative.
97
92
885
To the people who consistently like my tweets. I would like to do something nice like sending each of you a box of chocolates or if you don't eat chocolate then some bacon.
262
27
895
A Jewish man in his nineties goes to confession. He confesses to the priest that he is having relations with a woman in her twenties. The priest says, “But you are Jewish. Why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody.”
56
66
885
My wife has a great movie recommendation but she doesn’t remember the title. She says it stars the same person who was in the other movie but she can't remember that title either.
273
36
880
It bugs me when people don't know the difference between "they're", "there" and "their".
Your dumb if you don't no.
277
20
876
The husband of an arrested Ottawa protester yesterday told a judge that the First Amendment protests their right to protect. The judge responded, what First Amendment?
He's been watching too much US TV. The American Constitution doesn't apply in Canada.
49
88
829
I have a feeling the next time the app formerly known as Twitter purges the bots and porn accounts, my followers count will drop below 1000. If you are not one send me a sign. 👽
478
41
863
How many people open that microwave right before it beeps to avoid hearing it?
181
29
841
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's great. So how do I keep everyone else away?
375
59
857
Does anyone know if this is a good price for ground bork?
376
66
849
Twitter is such a marvelous place. You can tweet that your favourite pie is blueberry and someone will come along to argue that it isn't.
156
58
851
Anyone who thinks romance novels unrealistic. I met my wife in a cafeteria. She served me corned beef hash. I wondered what she looked like without a hairnet so I asked her out. Her dad threw me out of the house. We'll soon be married for 41 years.
46
51
825
Before getting married there should be a basic test, things like buying a sofa together, assembling a dresser, filling and emptying a dishwasher.
244
40
853
PSA: Many people don't know this but on the left side of the steering wheel column in your car is a lever. If you pull the lever up or down, it activates lights that indicate you are turning or changing lanes.
148
88
824
My mental health has taken a beating this year. I'm not one to post about my personal life. I started therapy 10 weeks ago. It's been very tough on me but this week there was a breakthrough. I have a long way to go but looking forward to healing. If you are struggling get help.
129
25
829
I'm going to be away from Twitter for a while. It seems that I won the Irish lottery (although I don't remember buying a ticket). I'm flying to Nigeria to pick up the $20 million cheque from a bank there. This is so exciting!
144
28
796
Whenever someone asks for an example of something old that a younger generation wouldn't be familiar with, they always mention a rotary dial phone.
This is what we had in our house when I was young.
274
34
818
I remember my high school English teacher telling me I wasn't very good at metaphors yet here I am an author with multiple books. So every silver spoon has a cloud around it.
59
43
839
A big shoutout to the people over 50 because I know y'all don't hear so good.
236
41
824
I have a feeling the next time the app formerly known as Twitter purges the bots and porn accounts, my followers count will drop below 1000. If you are not one send me a sign. 👽
521
30
834
This is worth repeating. Many of my tweets are jokes not directed at anyone. I can't be expected to know what I might say that is a trigger for someone I don't know. How could I know? When you join social media, managing your triggers is your responsibility.
78
44
828