author of humour/satirical books
⚠️MANY TWEETS ARE HUMOUR & NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY⚠️ Proud Jew ✡️ memoir OUT FROM THE SHADOW to be published by
@AmsterdamPB
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at
I met a friend for coffee yesterday morning. It was just 10:30 and he told me he had already gone for a run, fixed the dishwasher, and cleaned out the garage. So I'm looking for a new friend. Someone I can relate to more.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you're from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don't know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
7:30am: egg white omelette with mushrooms
10am: apple
12pm: cut up fruit with yogurt
3pm: banana
6pm: grilled chicken with salad (light dressing)
8pm: frozen yogurt
830pm: 2 cookies
845pm: 4 cookies
850pm: 8 cookies
9pm: bag of Doritos
930pm: Big Mac and fries
My wife is complaining that most of the Halloween chocolates are gone. I blame her for making them so accessible in the back of the hall closet on the top shelf behind the scarves.
My wife is complaining that most of the Halloween chocolates are gone. I blame her for making them so accessible in the back of the hall closet on the top shelf behind the scarves.
My father (on the left) was liberated from Bisingen concentration camp on April 20, 1945 by the French First Army. It was his 4th camp in 4 months as the Germans moved him and other prisoners deeper into Germany as allied troops advanced. When he walked out of the camp he was a
My wife has a great movie recommendation but she doesn’t remember the title. She says it stars the same person who was in the other movie but she can't remember that title either.
I woke up at 2:30 am last night with a great story idea. I know I'd forget it by morning so this time I would get up and write it down. This is what I found in the morning:
"Heaven is next to the peanut butter so take your shirts they're free."
I'm going to be away from Twitter for a while. It seems that I won the Irish lottery (although I don't remember buying a ticket). I'm flying to Nigeria to pick up the $20 million cheque from a bank there. This is so exciting!
The best way to remember the victims like Livia is to follow the
@AuschwitzMuseum
account. The victims had beautiful lives that were ended far too early.
A woman approached me in the grocery store thinking I worked there. She asked where the quinoa was and I said no clue. Then I saw her talking to the manager no doubt trying to get me fired.
My wife has a great movie recommendation but she doesn’t remember the title. She says it stars the same person who was in the other movie but she can't remember that title either.
Marcel Marceau was a world renowned mime but not everyone is familiar with his experience in the Holocaust.
He was a Jew and born Marcel Mangel. His father was a kosher butcher from the town of Bedzin, Poland where my father was from.
After Germany invaded France, he joined
My half sister Laja was born on this day in 1940 in the Bedzin Ghetto. The only time she left the ghetto was 27 months later when she was shipped in a crowded freight car with her mother, her sister and our grandparents to Auschwitz. I can still see my father's tears whenever she
My father married Esther Sledzik in the Bedzin Ghetto during the Nazi occupation on May 10, 1940. Just over 2 years later on August 14, 1942, Esther and their 2 daughters Laja and Jenta were rounded up with others and sent in freight cars to Auschwitz where they were gassed.
Rumour has it I'm 70 today. It's just another conspiracy theory. What I can tell you is that I'm constantly evolving and redefining my life. My most important work is still ahead of me. I look forward to new challenges and opportunities. Screw ageism.
To the people who consistently like my tweets. I would like to do something nice like sending each of you a box of chocolates or if you don't eat chocolate then some Canadian bacon.
7:30am: egg white omelette with mushrooms
10am: apple
12pm: cut up fruit with yogurt
3pm: banana
6pm: grilled chicken with salad (light dressing)
8pm: frozen yogurt
830pm: 2 cookies
845pm: 4 cookies
850pm: 8 cookies
9pm: bag of Doritos
930pm: Big Mac and fries
I started writing my memoir in January 2021. My first query was sent out in July 2022. I've rewritten the manuscript more times than I can remember.
Today I signed an agreement to release my memoir with
@AmsterdamPB
. This journey isn't over yet but this is a big milestone.
Why am I in the ER? I was assisting my wife in doing up her bra when she let go and the strap ricocheted into my eye. The EE nurse indicated this was an unprecedented injury.
I'm going to be away from Twitter for a while. It seems that I won the Irish lottery (although I don't remember buying a ticket). I'm flying to Nigeria to pick up the $20 million cheque from a bank there. This is so exciting!
To the people who consistently like my tweets. I would like to do something nice like sending each of you a box of chocolates or if you don't eat chocolate then some bacon.
A Jewish man in his nineties goes to confession. He confesses to the priest that he is having relations with a woman in her twenties. The priest says, “But you are Jewish. Why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody.”
My wife has a great movie recommendation but she doesn’t remember the title. She says it stars the same person who was in the other movie but she can't remember that title either.
The husband of an arrested Ottawa protester yesterday told a judge that the First Amendment protests their right to protect. The judge responded, what First Amendment?
He's been watching too much US TV. The American Constitution doesn't apply in Canada.
I have a feeling the next time the app formerly known as Twitter purges the bots and porn accounts, my followers count will drop below 1000. If you are not one send me a sign. 👽
Anyone who thinks romance novels unrealistic. I met my wife in a cafeteria. She served me corned beef hash. I wondered what she looked like without a hairnet so I asked her out. Her dad threw me out of the house. We'll soon be married for 41 years.
PSA: Many people don't know this but on the left side of the steering wheel column in your car is a lever. If you pull the lever up or down, it activates lights that indicate you are turning or changing lanes.
My mental health has taken a beating this year. I'm not one to post about my personal life. I started therapy 10 weeks ago. It's been very tough on me but this week there was a breakthrough. I have a long way to go but looking forward to healing. If you are struggling get help.
I'm going to be away from Twitter for a while. It seems that I won the Irish lottery (although I don't remember buying a ticket). I'm flying to Nigeria to pick up the $20 million cheque from a bank there. This is so exciting!
Whenever someone asks for an example of something old that a younger generation wouldn't be familiar with, they always mention a rotary dial phone.
This is what we had in our house when I was young.
I remember my high school English teacher telling me I wasn't very good at metaphors yet here I am an author with multiple books. So every silver spoon has a cloud around it.
I have a feeling the next time the app formerly known as Twitter purges the bots and porn accounts, my followers count will drop below 1000. If you are not one send me a sign. 👽
This is worth repeating. Many of my tweets are jokes not directed at anyone. I can't be expected to know what I might say that is a trigger for someone I don't know. How could I know? When you join social media, managing your triggers is your responsibility.