Willie Griswold
@WillieGriswold
Followers
13K
Following
30K
Media
120
Statuses
1K
Comedian — Bob & Tom
Indianapolis, IN
Joined July 2015
Thanksgiving is at my house this year so now everybody else has to go for a walk while I smoke weed.
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I just got an invite to my hs reunion but I won’t feel comfortable going until I’m vaccinated, successful and have a six pack.
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My dad called me a moron at 6:05 AM. How’s your morning going?.
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Happy birthday dad!! You’re a great dad and I’m so happy you’re not on Twitter!
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Sex is cool but have u ever done laundry on the last day of vacation and gone home with clean clothes?.
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I love exercising in the morning. Now I have all day to smoke cigarettes and eat cured meats.
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This girl I made out with one time in 2013 just got engaged and it’s like did you forget about everything we had? Bullshit.
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Drinking a shower beer, eating wings before noon and betting on preseason football. I love self care.
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Family sticks together until I’m the only one who doesn’t have TSA precheck.
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The monster I see when I close my eyes at night.
Tune in now to hear about Tom’s weekend and proper sun protection.
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This Saturday I get to open for Jeff Foxworthy. It's a big deal. It's a night I'II never forget. It's not totally clear why I'm using this photo to promote it, but I had to promote it and I really wanted to share this photo. Ticket link in bio / below. Go Colts.
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A terrifying window into my future.
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My Dad and Uncle Chick brought me onstage with my buddy @JeffOskay and my godfather @PatGodwin all so we could raise money to send kids to my old camp. I’m a lucky guy.
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If someone looks / smells high, don’t call them out in front of family. Just get them a damn cookie and say Merry Christmas.
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Happy to announce that I’m going to become the midwest’s first fat white rapper and make everybody call me Machine Gun Belly.
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About to fly to LA to cover the super bowl for @bobandtom with @FunnyCostaki and I think I may try this marijuana everyone keeps telling me about.
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just got so high I googled “tandem bikes for one”.
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Apparently a side effect of the vaccine is DoorDashing $42 worth of skyline chili.
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Got in a yelling match w my family in front of a busy brunch spot.🎶It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas 🎶.
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I’m in Lexington, KY. I just ate a delicious hot brown and the colts are up 30 against the Vikings. I’m never gonna die.
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This morning I tweeted my name and got 1000 likes. Let’s see if this show promo for tomorrow night in Indy can get at least 30
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The first picture I have of me doing stand up. I was a year in and I would get nervous and hold the mic with two hands. Next week is my first ever headlining weekend a comedy club. Dubuque, grab a ticket at the link in my bio. I’ll hold the mic with one hand - I promise.
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I know that the Colts picked up Gardner Minshew. I have gotten no less than 10 messages, tweets and texts. Please respect me and my family’s privacy at this time. .
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Month of May in Indy. I don’t think I’ll get a sunburn tomorrow, but I’m still gonna drink six light beers before noon!
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People are getting vaccinated, comedy clubs are opening up and I can’t wait to get back to my favorite thing in the world: smoking weed with the sound guy.
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My five year old sister is crying because she wants a cookie but she doesn’t want to move and I totally get what she’s going through.
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Whenever I go skiing, I run out of breath, I strain my hamstring and manage to pull an abdominal muscle. Then after I’m done putting my boots I get my ass kicked on the mountain too. Merry Christmas.
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Having sisters much younger than you . Con: people thinking I’m their dad.Pro: finishing their sandwiches.
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I’ve had to stand up and sit down so much at the Colts game for people to grab beer. I feel like I’m at a Catholic wedding.
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The future may be uncertain, but I’m ABSOLUTELY coming out of this pointing like Paulie Walnuts
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I hope that Eddie Van Halen, John Prine and the guy from Fountains of Wayne form the weirdest band heaven has ever seen.
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My little sister got a skateboard for Christmas. Guess she was on the gnarly list. 🤙🤙.
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I just want to lose enough weight that you can’t always tell where my belly button is
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Me and the boys getting absolutely loco this wknd.
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My Uber driver just told me he gave Tom Hanks a ride to the airport one time. I wonder if Tom Hanks also thought this guy talked too much. .
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This morning I went to the farmers market with my grandma and now I’m gonna drink 9 beers in 3 hours. That’s balance.
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I gotta stop smoking before I get my haircut. I was just trying to make small talk and my high ass asked my barber what he did for a living.
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I turn 29 in less than a month and I’m gonna have a party with drinks, pills and powder (electrolyte water, heartburn medication and Metamucil).
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What do I post on Facebook that says I’m back in my hometown and willing to make out with nearly anyone without looking too desperate?.
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Jeff Saturday may not be the most experienced coach in the NFL. But it looks like he fixed the O Line and I think I have a crush on him.
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I am thankful for my family and the seven family group texts we have so my family doesn’t get mad at members of my family who are talking shit about other members of my family.
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I’m trying to broaden my horizons, so I enrolled in an art class where you paint big titties.
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I got skyline before the early show so now I’m back at the hotel using the bathroom before the late show.
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I hate to say I told you so, but the kids still got it
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Who was the singer in The Jimi Hendrix Experience?.
"What's the name of the dog in Scooby Doo. ?" Tom. moments ago.
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Ordering Dave & Busters on DoorDash. Gonna put “please enjoy a game of air hockey for me” in the special instructions.
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Between the King’s Coronation and the Kentucky Derby, this will be the biggest weekend for silly hats since the debut of Devo. Pray for the eccentric milliner in your life.
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I’m “tomorrow I might fuck around at the container store and tackle a few projects” years old.
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Greg Hahn is one of the funniest people on earth and I get to open for him I’m the land of bourbon. I’m a lucky guy.
Louuuuuuuuuuisville, KY.40 millionth time there. This time is already my fav. See you at the club or in surrounding spirit serving establishments. @WillieGriswold also on show. The Caravan | Greg Hahn
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If you’re feeling lonely about self isolating remember: everyone who hasn’t texted you since this started never wants to see you again and never liked you anyway.
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Drinking at an airport bar playing Come Sail Away. I may cry, I might sing, I could get in a fist fight. The airport bar is my oyster.
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I get why conspiracy theories are popular. This is what happens when you tell a whole generation that there’s a secret map on the back of the Declaration of Independence. .
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Can’t wait to get home so I can get takeout from Skyline before the super bowl.
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Finally forgot and tried to buy beer on a Sunday morning in Indiana! Thank God they stopped me. Things were getting a little too convenient around here.
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My buddy just fucked up so bad with his girlfriend she blocked me on social media.
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I have a hard time telling the barber what style of haircut I want, but my friend told me to just bring in a pic of a handsome actor w the cut I want. Easy.
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Drinking bourbon is cool until I say yuck and chase it with Diet Coke.
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I just got a craving for Taco Bell’s spicy potato soft taco (removed from the menu) and now I finally understand why people care ab extinct animals.
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Flying from Colorado to Indiana always feels like a ripoff. Leaving skiing and great weed for the land of delta 8, cheap cigs and Garfield. Alright nvm Indiana still rules.
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From now on I’m only doing shows that are within five miles of a restaurant featured on Diners, Drive ins and Dives.
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Hardest part of getting into beach volleyball is finding at least three other people that want to get into beach volleyball.
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Steven A Smith.Michael B Jordan.John C Reilly . John F Kennedy. One day I’ll learn the whole middle name alphabet.
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I don’t know if I miss having a girlfriend or I just like to lie about smoking cigarettes.
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Jean shorts, baby.
Are you going to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway for the first time and unsure what to wear? @WillieGriswold shares a few tips. @IMS #IndyCar #Indy500
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If I get drunk and talk about starting a podcast one more time I may have to quit drinking.
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I was saving up for a treadmill but now I’m using that money to buy Spanx for men.
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Is Jeff Saturday’s beard more gray? He aged more in six games than most presidents do in eight years. Looking like Tim Allen 25 minutes into the Santa Claus.
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Places you can watch a 37 year old get his ass kicked: .Your local UFC gym.Smash Mouth concert .Any Colts game this season.
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In 2021 I will not slide into girls DMs while drunk. Gonna get it all out if the way this afternoon.
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You get drunk and DM girls, I get drunk and DM Lance Stephenson telling him how much the city of Indy loves him. We are not the same.
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I’ve been working out and eating right for about a week now and if I don’t see results soon I’m gonna start snorting Parmesan cheese like it’s cocaine.
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This is actually the silent majority.
I am a happily married woman, but DAMM do I find @WillieGriswold sexy 😍.
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I’ve gotten so used to working out at home, I really don’t think I could work out at the gym anymore. I mean do they even let you hit your Vape pen in between sets?.
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My friend keeps taking care of his baby instead of playing video games with me I’m starting to think he doesn’t want this damn baby to ever become an elite gamer.
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None of my siblings liked my international siblings day post so I think I’m gonna make some noise in the family group chat.
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Later I’m gonna go to Kroger and get ingredients for what will basically be a philly chopped cheese steak. I think I’m gonna use hot dog buns. I’ll keep y’all posted.
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Got in fights with four family members in the last week. Starting to think I may be the problem. Only one way to find out. (black out and talk about Jimmy Carter).
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I’m not gambling like a degenerate. I’m supporting college athletics and stimulating the economy.
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I love a nice pair of slacks - don’t like jeans. Don’t even get me started on jean shorts. I mean cut me some slacks!!.
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Athletes look so awkward when they smoke cigars. Almost as awkward as I look when I run.
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Watching a soccer game at a bar in the Caribbean surrounded by people from so many countries all brought together for one reason: alcohol.
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Stand up made it so much easier to justify drinking on a weeknight.
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People are complaining that their apps aren’t working, but my Uber Eats and DoorDash is working fine.
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To be fair, in a few hours this will have way more beer.
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As an actor, I give my best performances after the cashier asks me to fill out a quick online survey.
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Voted early! Now I have all day to kickback, relax and spread misinformation on Facebook.
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“So lazy! It’d be faster if you just grabbed your food inside, moron” -Me judging everybody in front of me at the drive thru.
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