Thunder Buddy Ted
@WhatTedSaid
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I’m that bear from that movie you were obsessed with in college. I have a show now. #ted the event series is streaming now on @peacock.
Boston
Joined November 2011
Here's something for the whole family… if the whole family is over 17 and very stoned.
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Hey, America! I'll be coming all over you this summer. Take a look. and maybe a tissue.
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Someone on Instagram just said I have a "gyatt." Have no idea if I should be offended or not.
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Yes, I'm a national treasure.
‘TED’ has already become the most watched original series on Peacock ever. Read our review:
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Does a TV series and 2 movies mean nothing to you?
I’ve never met a rich & successful person who smokes weed. Not even once.
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Let him cook.
finally checking out The Bear and yall weren’t lying this shit is gasssss
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So that's why I got 112 texts last night saying congrats.
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Okay I’ll come back to Twitter for this for sure.
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Check out my new trailer. Please retweet it or repost it or whatever the fuck it’s called now.
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Just call it "Birdman". Lose the fuckin' parentheses part.
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Someone should tell that Ice Age squirrel that there are other acorns.
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If the Sarge asked me if I secured the perimeter I would say yes. Too scared to say I don't know wtf that means #hero
http://t.co/9COovSWN89.
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When I say I got that bear in me, this is what I mean
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Wake up. Smoke weed. Drink water. Listen to good music. Stay positive.
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Congratulations to Martin Scorsese. Always been a huge fan because we have the same eyebrows.
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I don’t really stay in touch with Winnie the Pooh anymore. Ever since he went public domain he’s been acting strange. Hitting the “nose honey” a little too hard, if you catch my drift.
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who got that one sitcom clip.
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The fact that I have not been asked to do a TED Talk is honestly getting insulting at this point.
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Hey Ted, it’s your manager. The network wants you to post something like “Hey everyone, are you caught up on every episode of my show? What was your favorite moment?” Please don’t copy & paste that, and make sure not to include this part in the post like last time.
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I'm coming June 26th. So is Tom Brady, though it may be against his will.
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Is there any station that gets watched less than PBS Las Vegas?.
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Boobs are the best Christmas present. And the best part is unwrapping them. And you thought I was gonna say nipples. http://t.co/vbOOwd84.
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Released all 7 episodes of my show at once because I like binge-watching almost as much as I like binge-drinking.
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Been watching “The Office” since I am part of Peacock now. I don’t know if this is a hot take or not, but these people seem terrible at their jobs!.
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Is there any way I can beat this hangover? Wait, I already beat the hangover by 10 million!.
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Her: I’m coming over you better not be a studious little teddy bear when I get there . Me:
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My insomnia finally got the best of me… at 5am I broke down and bought The Magic Bullet. I now own a $100 weed grinder. http://t.co/l50Xte4y.
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so party I honked a fat lady got high & toaster john arrested lori mad I fixed it with french toast & police left so http://t.co/A0tIa8kg.
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Ever since I started playing a 16 year-old on tv they’ve been triple-checking my ID at the bar. I’m literally 38 years old, it’s called acting.
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Every time I eat Gummy Bears I feel like a giant, all-powerful cannibal god. http://t.co/5A7qYdLn.
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To answer your questions: Yes I have been in the washing machine before. Yes it is as fun as it looks. Please stop DMing me about it.
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With federal funding, someday I will finally realize my dream: to build the world’s biggest bong. http://t.co/lxutEA4T.
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I wanna start a band with with Leslie Mann and Christopher Walken, and call it "Ted Mann Walken".
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I need to clear my search history. Every time I type the X key to come post something on here like 20 porn sites show up first.
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Releasing my voicemails? This is how top talent is treated? I don't see you doing this kind of thing to Natasha Lyonne.
Now that Ted's got a number 1 show he keeps blowing up my phone with his "big ideas" 🙄. #ted: The Event Series, #PokerFace, #TheTraitorsUS, and more are streaming now on Peacock.
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Brian Williams: "Well, now that I have some free time, I can watch my daughter in Girls-- Jesus holy fuck!!" http://t.co/CKGfDkrcBs.
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I already hate the kids in the bubble in Jurassic World.
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The Build-a-Bear process creeps me out. You know what I’d like to see? Build-a-Whore Workshop. I would LIVE there. http://t.co/LIgQv5Pr.
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Stop normalizing the grind and normalize whatever this is
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The rumors are true, I had my stuffing redistributed to play my younger self. It’s a simple procedure — a guy holds my feet and swings me around. Light sedation, I was home by lunch.
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Happy Valentine’s Day! Caution: If you give your girlfriend a stuffed bear today, there is no guarantee it will transform into a best friend like me. It’s more likely that she will transform into your ex girlfriend.
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John & I looked up Kwanzaa on Wikipedia. It was too hard to spell so we asked Siri & wound up at a Chinese restaurant. http://t.co/Kd7oZimk.
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Searched “bears in my area” to try to find some new friends but I did not get the results I expected.
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Oh sure, when your movie is about a big bomb, you get an Oscar nomination. Your movie IS a big bomb, nothin’.
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Had a dream last night that I was Super Mario when he WASN'T trying to save the princess. I was basically just a plumber. Pretty boring.
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I'm so fuckin' drunk and stoned right now. Somebody squeeze me. Scratch that. Somebody with tits squeeze me.
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Me: What are ya doin' Friday?.You: Seeing Jurassic World!.Me: Fuck you!.You: Seeing Inside Out!.Me: Fuck you!.You: Seeing Ted 2?.Me: Yay!!.
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Cillian Murphy? More like Killing It Murphy! You know, ‘cause he’s good in movies and television programs.
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If you ever get too high and paranoid, remember this: Everyone can tell, they’re judging you, and the cops are on their way.
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Believe it or not, this was one of our more pleasant dinner conversations.
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Guys, dinosaurs don't exist! Go see a real life character. Me!!!.
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A shocking amount of you keep asking “does Ted poop?” Can nobody find joy in the great mysteries of the universe anymore? Is there not beauty in the unknown?.
@WhatTedSaid How the fuck you digest your food though.
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I have it on good authority that Mustache Ted is a great hang.
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If you ever get to work before anyone else, you can have a pretty cool time pretending the world just ended.
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Next time Coldplay's on, turn to the person next to you and say, "My black friend told me about these guys.".
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I'm nominated for an MTV Movie Award! Vote for me and I’ll smoke a fat joint in your honor.
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REVIEW: Seth MacFarlane’s ‘Ted’ TV Show Is Surprisingly Funny. More:
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Here’s me, John, and Lori wearing our new holiday sweaters. I think mine came off of a Holly Hobbie. I hate this. http://t.co/1t39K6SZ.
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I went viral in the VHS era, do you understand how impressive that is?
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11 days til my movie! Let's all start getting stoned now in preparation.
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Donald Dump: when a duck takes a shit, and then that shit takes a shit, and then that shit's shit runs for president.
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My movie just made 100 million. Maybe now I can afford a restaurant where the next table isn't a family screaming in Portuguese.
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"Seems like a pretty fuckin' bad Friday to me." (Jesus).
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Sorry I've been gone for a while. I got eaten by a dinosaur. Luckily, he shat me out.
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Today is #NationalTeddyBearDay. So in honor of me, I think I'll smoke some weed and cuddle with myself. #Ted2
http://t.co/lfd5eqeBV8.
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Snoop Dogg after pretending to quit smoking for 48 hours
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Years of marijuana usage have made it difficult to remember what day it is, but I’m almost positive my new show comes out tomorrow on Peacock.
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Whoever the fuck thought of messing with my carefully arranged sleep schedule should have Big Ben shoved up his ass. http://t.co/ryJMLJxb.
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Sometimes I like to imagine living the life of a freewheeling, rail-riding hobo. My motto? “Have bong, will travel.” http://t.co/T05qZiCE.
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There's my buddy @mark_wahlberg, although I think I copied his phone # wrong. Does 67453 sound like a full number? http://t.co/Sh9QaEP2.
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Owning a piano is like having a really charming gay guy in your living room all the time.
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These are not the joints you’re looking for. This Halloween, may the force be with you. #KyloKush #TheDankSide
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You know who didn't die? Flash fucking Gordon. Fuck yeah, Flash.
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"Britney Spears calls fan a 'fucking asshole' after he called her a 'fat bitch'." Guys! Guys! Relax. You're BOTH right.
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Here I go, fucktards! Smoke a fattie and come hang out with me this weekend at your local theater. Or, go to one far away, I don't care.
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